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Time Doesn't Heal


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 16th September 2017, 3:02 AM   #1
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Time Doesn't Heal

It simply pushes memories deeper and deeper. But the scars, like all physical scars, are still there. The pain just fades away, but it's never completely gone.
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Old 16th September 2017, 4:53 AM   #2
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Thats true Logos, is not really about time but personal work and life experiences along the way.
Are you spending time doing things that make you happy and are you trying to learn/grow out of the whole situation? Are you doing a solid NC?
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Old 16th September 2017, 11:16 AM   #3
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Life kind of sucks if you carry the mindset that every good thing in it has to last infinitely.
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Old 18th September 2017, 3:18 AM   #4
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Full NC. I'm trying to do things that I enjoy but life keeps throwing me curveballs.

Not last indefinitely, but at least have a reasonable balance between happiness and sadness.


Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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Old 18th September 2017, 11:56 AM   #5
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I am familiar with it, yes. My point was that nothing in life is permanent. That doesn't mean it feels good to lose something you enjoy or love. Relationships, particularly romantic ones, are transient, even if they have a long shelf life.

I can understand why you feel anger about your ex, but I guess my point was that you cannot let one woman's actions embitter you toward relationships as a whole, nor let those actions make you feel like your chance for a quality romantic relationship is gone for good.
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Old 18th September 2017, 5:40 PM   #6
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It simply pushes memories deeper and deeper. But the scars, like all physical scars, are still there. The pain just fades away, but it's never completely gone.
When I first came here, another poster said it better than me. Time does not heal wounds. Time only passes. It's what you do with that time that determines if you heal or not.

Another way to look at it. Each loss we experience grafts itself into our life story. A lot of people mistakenly believe that once they get over an ex, they will go back to the way they were before they met the person. It doesn't work like that. The experience becomes a part of your life story. Eventually, it's not a big part. It's just another part. But for awhile, it seems like the biggest event in your life. You see everything in terms of "before and after the breakup/divorce." It's a tough road to walk, but the intensity fades with time.

Life is a series of losses, and, like Blanco said, nothing is permanent. No relationship is permanent. It will end at some point whether it's by death of the other person leaving. Familial relationships will also eventually end. We are hardwired to handle loss and to move on. Humans have been doing it since the beginning.
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Old 18th September 2017, 5:44 PM   #7
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Full NC. I'm trying to do things that I enjoy but life keeps throwing me curveballs.
Life will continue to throw you curve balls. You can bank on that. But you can learn to deal with the curve balls. Three years ago, I got thrown a curve ball when I found out my ex was going to be working for the same hospital as me, and I'd have to see him occasionally. It really sucked at first, but I dealt with it. It got easier as time passed, and, now, it doesn't even register if I pass him in the hall. Chin up, confront it, and move forward. You will gain strength as you deal with the curve balls that come your way.
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Old 18th September 2017, 6:47 PM   #8
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I am familiar with it, yes. My point was that nothing in life is permanent. That doesn't mean it feels good to lose something you enjoy or love. Relationships, particularly romantic ones, are transient, even if they have a long shelf life.

I can understand why you feel anger about your ex, but I guess my point was that you cannot let one woman's actions embitter you toward relationships as a whole, nor let those actions make you feel like your chance for a quality romantic relationship is gone for good.
I understand that in general, until someone settles down, girlfriends will come and go in and out of one's life.

But, if relationships are transient, then how is it that my parents' generation managed to maintained decades-long commitments, love and passion for each other?

The baby boomer generation seems much more stable than today's generation. They had solid values, integrity, and moral standards.

Today's generation seems to be more selfish, narcissistic and materialistic. It's as though there is no such thing as love anymore, just one person using another because he's good in bed, has high status (financial or social) and can be used as an object to brag about, a trophy.

Love, in the traditional sense, seems extinct. And all those people on online dating sites who talk about finding their soulmates and finding their prince charming, I don't think they understand what they are talking about. They've simply seen too many movies.

I haven't lost hope that my chances are gone for good, but I have become so cynical that I don't think it will happen any time soon, and I carefully analyze people's behaviors. I have developed an ear for red flags. Perhaps it's a good thing. Perhaps this will spare me the time and emotional energy and help me focus it on a healthier relationship with better compatibility. But at the same time, it takes away from the glamor and fun of dating. It's become a chore.

And, I don't trust what people say anymore. I judge them by their actions. So when a woman tells me that the best thing since sliced bread, I think, "Yeah ok". Some women on online dating sites, just like my ex, will lavish you with compliments and show great interest, but later either disappear or in my ex's case, do the opposite and cheat or give the cold shoulder. Horse manure has become the cornerstone of today's culture. It seems there is no morality left. People cheat, lie, deceive, manipulate, and the list goes on. Sure, I can adapt to it. I can learn from it so I can protect myself, but WTF.

I feel like we're back to the Middle Ages where people got married for status and procreation. And the bride and groom barely knew each other. It's no different than arranged marriages in the sense that true love has long been relegated to the dustbin of history.

In a healthy relationship, couples should stand by each other, be good friends and faithful partners. How often do you find that these days?

There's a reason the divorce rate is so high. One person passes by another attractive person on the street and they're immediately entertaining the notion of leaving their partner.
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Last edited by Logo; 18th September 2017 at 7:17 PM..
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Old 18th September 2017, 8:08 PM   #9
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I understand that in general, until someone settles down, girlfriends will come and go in and out of one's life.

But, if relationships are transient, then how is it that my parents' generation managed to maintained decades-long commitments, love and passion for each other?
Because the institution of marriage has changed since then. It's only been very recent that love is the foundation for marriage. Up until about 100 years ago, marriage was a business transaction that was undertaken for different reasons. Women could not work and needed to get married, so they would not become destitute or a financial burden to their parents or other male relatives. Additionally, one needed to get married to secure a legitimate family line.

Our grandparents and, to some extent our parents, did not see divorce as an option. My grandmother wanted to go to college, but her family was too poor to send her. She grew up destitute during the Depression, so her only option was to get married. She never really liked my grandfather, and he had multiple affairs. They are still married to this day, and that kind of setup is probably more common than you think. She had a high school education and four kids. She had no option but to stay with him. Also, there were legal barriers. In the US, no fault divorces weren't even introduced until the 1970s. Before that, you had to prove someone was at fault due to something like adultery.

I think you are romanticizing marriage and relationships. People didn't stay in love forever in olden times. It's just that divorce was either illegal, a social stigma, or impossible because women could not financially support themselves. Emotions are not stable. Emotions change all the time, so doesn't it seem unwise to bank something permanent, like a relationship, on emotions? Some food for thought.
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Old 18th September 2017, 8:10 PM   #10
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This quote has stuck with me....

Love is choice and a commitment, not just a feeling - it seems so many don't believe that.....
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Old 18th September 2017, 9:04 PM   #11
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Emotions are not stable. Emotions change all the time, so doesn't it seem unwise to bank something permanent, like a relationship, on emotions?
Then, what's the point? Who wants to live a life on an emotional roller coaster if the grass is always greener on the other side?

Women complain about 'players', but at the same time they change their emotions and attachments whichever direction the wind is blowing.

I guess I'm better off living a life between one night stand and the next, or through 'casual relationships', or one of those other BS euphemisms today's generation, especially women, uses to rationalize their immaturity and flakiness. So fickle.

Millions should just have f** buddies they can summon at a moment's notice whenever their primal instincts kick in and they're horny and then kick them out once their needs are satisfied.

The next time I'm in a relationship I won't invest in her. I'll treat her like an inanimate object that lacks emotions, and tell her to drive to McDonalds if she wants dinner.

I wish men would boycott women. That'll learn them.

How does that work for the women out there?

They want chivalry and gentlemanly behavior, but they wonder where all those men have gone.
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Old 18th September 2017, 9:49 PM   #12
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You're missing the point of her post. Bow out of the dating scene until you're less bitter, maybe.

People romanticize relationships and marriages that span decades. I know of plenty of such relationships that have long since run their course and neither person is happy. Why should that be celebrated or viewed as something to emulate?

And you're naive if you think monogamy is something only recently comprised by our generation. People were just more discreet about it in the past.
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:45 PM   #13
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I think - at the end of the day, the person has to be worth it. But each person should still have a set of core values. And they have to resonate with yours. I will never cheat - I think towards the end of my relationship, I was starting to lose interest in him, and did find some other people attractive, but I never acted on it. It should have been a sign - but I was like oh well, meh. But people shouldn't have to stay committed if they truly don't love anymore - but cheating is never right. At least in my books, you can always leave a relationship, why cheat?

I think that's my biggest lesson - I want to find someone who is worth it to me - to make sacrifices and who finds me worth it to make sacrifices. Love isn't perfect, commitment is hard, but if the love is there - and if we are both worth it to each other, then we will pull through the hard times. But it should be built on core values and fundamentals - not just superficial things like physical attraction (people get old duh), money (can be gone in a heartbeat), and other tangible things. But who a person is will never change.

And words - yeah forget that bull****. My ex said +++++++ wonderful things, but honestly, in the future, it's not that I won't ever trust anyone, but they should be able to back it up with actions. "I will love you forever" is romantic - but what if you die? Then you can't love me "forever" can you now? It's still a cute phrase, but if someone says it, so what? But if they move for me to help further my career, if they ask me what is important to me and make sure that is in place for us, then those are solid actions.

Now - as to where this great guy is....lol, that's the harder part.
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Old 18th September 2017, 10:58 PM   #14
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Then, what's the point? Who wants to live a life on an emotional roller coaster if the grass is always greener on the other side?.
I've asked myself the same question. I don't have the answers. We all want relationships to last forever, but the reality is that they don't. I wish it were different.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:04 AM   #15
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And you're naive if you think monogamy is something only recently comprised by our generation.

I was never under that illusion.
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