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Trying to understand why I was not enough


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 4th September 2017, 2:36 PM   #1
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Trying to understand why I was not enough

I'm very frustrated and depressed about my current situation. I have been trying to make a relationship work with a longtime online friend of mine. One night I got the courage to confess that I had feelings for him and he told me that he sensed some chemistry so we agreed to chat on skype everyday for 6 months to see if we could make things work. As I got to know him I begun to realize that he didn't really love me (although he claimed to) and he had A LOT of problems.. (alarming like, psychotic ones, I've written about him before so I wont go into it all I can say is that he was very controlling,narcissistic, loved to start drama and there were red flags of abuse, he'd constantly ask me for nude photos as well but i never sent them) he was still in love with his exgf who broke up with him years ago and he tells me that she hates me and he sent me screenshots of her calling me stupid and desperate. (I acknowledge that I may be desperate but I am NOT stupid, also this 40 year old woman has never met me or spoken to me before and just a note that their relationship was long distance too. And there was no romantic interest on my part until they split.) I saw in the screenshots that he told her that there was nothing romantic between us and that she didn't have to worry. Which was a lie. He told me that we had a romance going but I guess he didn't want her to know that. Later on he told me that his "love" for me was like a love for a sister or a daughter.. not quite at the level that he claimed to love his ex. This just made me feel pathetic since I loved him like a boyfriend.. Also, he said I didn't compare to his ex because I have "left no impact on his life" because I was not able to "save" him or "fix" him. His behavior toward me and the way he treated me was all the proof I needed to finally realize he wasn't as interested as he pretended to be so I blocked him on all social media. It was a very hard decision for me to make but I know it is for the best.

I have kept him blocked now for 3 weeks but i can see his exgf is still lurking on my blog even though i blocked her lol. I don't know what they are saying behind my back but I bet they are making fun of me and my feelings. And the night after I had blocked him on all social media I left his cell number unblocked just to see if he'd text me or call but he never did, shows to me he didn't really care. It's so confusing to me because he said that he cared for me deeply and wanted to protect me and be my "mentor", but he would mostly just disrespect me and degrade me when I would let my needs be known.

I've been through many experiences that mirror this one, I've maybe dated 5 men in total all different ages and most of them just want me for sex then once they get what they want they either run for the hills and pretend I don't exist or just keep me around for sex. It has really devastated my self esteem. I've never had a "real" romantic relationship I've only dated. I find it hard to face people, men especially, due to all the bad experience I've had in dating. I feel unworthy of any attention but when I do get it I assume they are just out to hurt me. I'm worried I will forever remain stuck with this cycle of users and I will never find someone who wants to have a real romantic relationship with me.

Last edited by batjokes92; 4th September 2017 at 3:18 PM..
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:47 PM   #2
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Terrible advice #1: Relax. If they are really being sneaky petes' behind your back, you don't need them and you got to let it go. If they aren't, then it's no big deal. Either way paranoia is bad for you.

Terrible advice #2: Work on that self-esteem. So easily said right? What do you like to do offline? Do you have a great (not good) core of friends to call upon? Start there, if you don't have friends who pump you up and make you feel awesome, you're doomed to attract men who wish to "mentor" or belittle you rather than engage you as a strong, independent equal. All that said, it starts with you. Make you a better, stronger, more resilient person. Do healthy things that make you feel good. Find others who enjoy just being your friend. Repeat. Remember, strength and resilience comes in many forms so adapt the logic to your personality. Just figure out based on your past bad experiences what the red flags were, and where the line should have been drawn. Make mental notes of those who used you so you can set good boundaries for future interactions.

Good advice #1: He's a codependent narcissist. Ain't nobody got time for that. Keep him NC like you are and be strong. You can do it!
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Old 5th September 2017, 1:40 AM   #3
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Good advice #1: He's a codependent narcissist. Ain't nobody got time for that. Keep him NC like you are and be strong. You can do it!
All of the above.
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Old 5th September 2017, 5:14 AM   #4
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You are enough!

The day you start understanding that you don't need an external person to make you feel like you are enough, you will start building the fulfilling life that you deserve.

Get to the point where you have enough self esteem and worthiness to understand that no matter what your frailties and flaws, you are enough to deserve to receive wholehearted love for who you are.

This guy is a symptom..not the problem,.
The problem is your self esteem,.
Work on this and the symptoms will disappear.
If you don't work on this, another symptoms will appear even if this one disappears

wish you all the best

Quote:
Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
I'm very frustrated and depressed about my current situation. I have been trying to make a relationship work with a longtime online friend of mine. One night I got the courage to confess that I had feelings for him and he told me that he sensed some chemistry so we agreed to chat on skype everyday for 6 months to see if we could make things work. As I got to know him I begun to realize that he didn't really love me (although he claimed to) and he had A LOT of problems.. (alarming like, psychotic ones, I've written about him before so I wont go into it all I can say is that he was very controlling,narcissistic, loved to start drama and there were red flags of abuse, he'd constantly ask me for nude photos as well but i never sent them) he was still in love with his exgf who broke up with him years ago and he tells me that she hates me and he sent me screenshots of her calling me stupid and desperate. (I acknowledge that I may be desperate but I am NOT stupid, also this 40 year old woman has never met me or spoken to me before and just a note that their relationship was long distance too. And there was no romantic interest on my part until they split.) I saw in the screenshots that he told her that there was nothing romantic between us and that she didn't have to worry. Which was a lie. He told me that we had a romance going but I guess he didn't want her to know that. Later on he told me that his "love" for me was like a love for a sister or a daughter.. not quite at the level that he claimed to love his ex. This just made me feel pathetic since I loved him like a boyfriend.. Also, he said I didn't compare to his ex because I have "left no impact on his life" because I was not able to "save" him or "fix" him. His behavior toward me and the way he treated me was all the proof I needed to finally realize he wasn't as interested as he pretended to be so I blocked him on all social media. It was a very hard decision for me to make but I know it is for the best.

I have kept him blocked now for 3 weeks but i can see his exgf is still lurking on my blog even though i blocked her lol. I don't know what they are saying behind my back but I bet they are making fun of me and my feelings. And the night after I had blocked him on all social media I left his cell number unblocked just to see if he'd text me or call but he never did, shows to me he didn't really care. It's so confusing to me because he said that he cared for me deeply and wanted to protect me and be my "mentor", but he would mostly just disrespect me and degrade me when I would let my needs be known.

I've been through many experiences that mirror this one, I've maybe dated 5 men in total all different ages and most of them just want me for sex then once they get what they want they either run for the hills and pretend I don't exist or just keep me around for sex. It has really devastated my self esteem. I've never had a "real" romantic relationship I've only dated. I find it hard to face people, men especially, due to all the bad experience I've had in dating. I feel unworthy of any attention but when I do get it I assume they are just out to hurt me. I'm worried I will forever remain stuck with this cycle of users and I will never find someone who wants to have a real romantic relationship with me.
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Old 7th October 2017, 1:13 PM   #5
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It's been 2 months..

So it's been almost 2 months now and I'm still struggling to get past this. I got a new job working with lots of nice people which is good but I can't seem to get my mind off of this situation. Last night I re read our final messages to each other and I cried. On one hand he says he loves me an will always be there to care for me but a few nights before he'd insult me with words like ďmaybe you really are only good for one night stands and a bjĒ all because I told him I was not in the mood to role play with him. I keep obsessing over this rejection and itís killing me. Iíve never had such a strong bond with someone yet he says that he doesn't feel the same way. I cannot fathom why. On the last day he said ďFrom day one I was approaching you with intentions only a mentor could have. Since always I was seeing you as someone to take care of. And this role, quite like big brother or father is way stronger than the role of a partner.Ē I blocked him on all social media and yet, I leave my cell number unblocked for him but he doesn't call or text. How strong of a bond can he really feel then?

And then I said to him "what about that time when we first met you told me you were beginning to have a crush on me?" he replies with ďsometimes I felt like you were my sister, sometimes my daughter. I was fascinated and developed a crush but that was a battle of emotions. I couldn't ignore your feminine aspects.Ē But really, he is only 4 years older than me. He may be coming from a good place when he says this to me but all I see when i read this is Iím not woman enough to be considered his equal and it ****s up my self esteem.

What hurts the most is that heís in love with a woman who calls me stupid without even knowing me. By proxy he must agree with her. Iím sure they talk about me behind my back. Iím sure they do. Iím sure Iím a big joke to them.

He was always confusing me. Telling me he loves me and is attracted to me and wants a future with me then turning around a few days later with ďI love you as a daughter/sisterĒ It makes me angry and drives me crazy. I want to be an equal not a subordinate.

Something else that makes me mad is when i told him I loved him he'd say "don't use such words without thinking twice it can be dangerous" yet HE would tell me he loved me all the time before he admitted to me he only liked me as a sister or daughter, so i feel that he is an enormous hypocrite.

I blocked him because his half hardheartedness was driving me insane and preventing me from moving on with life. (also because my dad and my brother told me to) Now that I have a job I want him back. I am tempted to unlock him. Him and his ex have been checking my blog quite a bit last month (even though they are blocked) so I know that I am still on their minds. What should I do? any advice or someone to talk to would be really helpful right now.
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Old 8th October 2017, 1:47 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
On one hand he says he loves me an will always be there to care for me but a few nights before he'd insult me with words like ďmaybe you really are only good for one night stands and a bjĒ all because I told him I was not in the mood to role play with him.

... I leave my cell number unblocked for him but he doesn't call or text. How strong of a bond can he really feel then?
First off, congrats on the job! Also, your dad and brother sound wise.


Words are words. Actions are actions. What actions has he shown you beyond brotherly kindness? Any positive actions when he wasn't getting something in return? Does he act like a child when he doesn't get his way with other things? Does he pretend to be wise and "older" when he's just a tool-stick?

Quote:
Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
he replies with ďsometimes I felt like you were my sister, sometimes my daughter. I was fascinated and developed a crush but that was a battle of emotions. I couldn't ignore your feminine aspects.Ē
Manipulators manipulate. It's their power move. He did just enough to get what he wanted from you, and now he's moved on.

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Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
Iím sure they talk about me behind my back. Iím sure they do. Iím sure Iím a big joke to them.
Who cares? Not you. That's who. It doesnt matter what they think. Do you think you are mature and an adult? Prove it to yourself and let those who actually love you tell you you are awesome. Forget this boner.


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Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
I want to be an equal not a subordinate.
Prove it. Are you an equal to your own self-worth? Step back and look at this from the outside. He doesn't love you. He uses words to confuse you. But you are letting yourself get confused. Look back and realize it was all lies and push-pull manipulation. He got what he wanted and left. See him for exactly what he was. Not what you wish he was or thought he was.

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Originally Posted by batjokes92 View Post
Now that I have a job I want him back. I am tempted to unlock him. Him and his ex have been checking my blog quite a bit last month (even though they are blocked) so I know that I am still on their minds. What should I do? any advice or someone to talk to would be really helpful right now.
NOPE. Nope nope nope!! You want someone to acknowledge you and make you feel wanted. Find it with someone other than him, but know it's best coming from yourself. Honestly, either stop writing your blog or stop using it as a way to check if he's paying attention. You are not following NC rules well and you'll stay in this loop of loathing until you actually stop paying attention to him.

If you did talk to him again, what would give you closure? If he admitted he was playing you all along? If he admitted he never loved you?

Pretend I'm this jerk-off ex of yours: "Hey, yeah, I used you because I knew you were vulnerable and I have low self-esteem too. Using you made me feel better about myself. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry I was immature and not honest about my intentions."

stop checking in on him. good luck with your job!
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Old 17th October 2017, 6:09 PM   #7
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First off, congrats on the job! Also, your dad and brother sound wise.


Words are words. Actions are actions. What actions has he shown you beyond brotherly kindness? Any positive actions when he wasn't getting something in return? Does he act like a child when he doesn't get his way with other things? Does he pretend to be wise and "older" when he's just a tool-stick?



Manipulators manipulate. It's their power move. He did just enough to get what he wanted from you, and now he's moved on.



Who cares? Not you. That's who. It doesnt matter what they think. Do you think you are mature and an adult? Prove it to yourself and let those who actually love you tell you you are awesome. Forget this boner.




Prove it. Are you an equal to your own self-worth? Step back and look at this from the outside. He doesn't love you. He uses words to confuse you. But you are letting yourself get confused. Look back and realize it was all lies and push-pull manipulation. He got what he wanted and left. See him for exactly what he was. Not what you wish he was or thought he was.
I've stopped checking his blog but I still can't seem to move on. I think about him all day, even while working. He really was the closest thing I've had to real love in my life. He wasn't a jerk ALL of the time. There were good times too. He'd often tell me he loved me, that he thought I was beautiful, said he loved all of my flaws and he'd often say that he loved what I "represent". I never fully understood what he ment by that.. he did send me 100$ to help pay my rent one month (though he did say that he wanted nudes from me afterward, he didn't demand it he just said it), he initiated most of the conversations we had too. He did make me feel wanted and cared for in some way.. more than any man has before (which is sad i suppose?). It's hard to forget such nice things when I have never had better. I've never had a boyfriend, only dated a few guys in my life they all lead to nowhere, usually them leaving me by the 3rd date.

He never left me. I left him. I blocked him after his "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. He said "I can't say you have really changed me. You have meaning in my life, certain and important role, but there was no impact. It doesn't mean that you are worse or not enough. I realize that I am more experienced, that I am older." Maybe I over reacted but I felt that being friend zoned after months upon months of non stop romantic talk every day was humiliating. I knew I needed to get away from him for awhile. I look back now because I'm so afraid that I won't find better in my future.

For now I keep analyzing what he ment by "there was no impact" what does this mean? How can I make an impact on a man so he might fall in real love with me? Is there some knowledge I'm missing? Honestly I'm feeling like love is this huge terrifying and complicated puzzle I can never solve yet others figure it out with such little stress and effort.

Last edited by batjokes92; 17th October 2017 at 7:19 PM..
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Old 17th October 2017, 8:21 PM   #8
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I've stopped checking his blog but I still can't seem to move on. I think about him all day, even while working. He really was the closest thing I've had to real love in my life. He wasn't a jerk ALL of the time. There were good times too. He'd often tell me he loved me, that he thought I was beautiful, said he loved all of my flaws and he'd often say that he loved what I "represent". I never fully understood what he ment by that.. he did send me 100$ to help pay my rent one month (though he did say that he wanted nudes from me afterward, he didn't demand it he just said it), he initiated most of the conversations we had too. He did make me feel wanted and cared for in some way.. more than any man has before (which is sad i suppose?). It's hard to forget such nice things when I have never had better. I've never had a boyfriend, only dated a few guys in my life they all lead to nowhere, usually them leaving me by the 3rd date.

He never left me. I left him. I blocked him after his "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" speech. He said "I can't say you have really changed me. You have meaning in my life, certain and important role, but there was no impact. It doesn't mean that you are worse or not enough. I realize that I am more experienced, that I am older." Maybe I over reacted but I felt that being friend zoned after months upon months of non stop romantic talk every day was humiliating. I knew I needed to get away from him for awhile. I look back now because I'm so afraid that I won't find better in my future.

For now I keep analyzing what he ment by "there was no impact" what does this mean? How can I make an impact on a man so he might fall in real love with me? Is there some knowledge I'm missing? Honestly I'm feeling like love is this huge terrifying and complicated puzzle I can never solve yet others figure it out with such little stress and effort.
I can understand where you're coming from. I'm six weeks NC with my ex and he also displayed the avoidant attachment personality (we were also long distance). He was my first experience in feeling REAL love too. We had our good times: 1. Whenever I'm down, he'd go out of his way to hug his laptop monitor while we're video chatting and while he looked ridiculous doing it, I fell for him for going out of his way to do so despite that. 2. He was strained on cash, so I told him he could come visit in the winter time instead of summer like we originally planned, however, he wanted to see me in the summer so he pulled overtime at work to do that. He definitely didn't HAVE to do that for us, but he did on his own. We had lots of good times that felt like we really were in love, but in spite of them, he still displayed red flags throughout our relationship.

When he got deep into his depression, he also gave me the line of "I love you, but I don't feel ready for a relationship". At some point in our relationship (after two years), he just lost the ability to recall why he loved me, even though he's told me why before and even thought about marriage with me. I believe I also represented stability for him, I am definitely the "one you marry" type of girl, however, he left me and chose to get into a relationship with a new girl who has bipolar. He has a history of picking women he felt he had to "take care of" (codependency). He's getting his thrill of a new relationship that's all just fun with no serious chance after walking away from a chance with me, who would have given him genuine love and stability, something he's lacked for a long time. I eventually cut contact from him, as I was sick of being in limbo and getting months of empty "I love you"s without any action to back them up.

That's what your ex means when you left no "impact". No matter how much we showed we love them, their own personal issues will always get in the way unless they fix themselves, by their OWN power. It's been a hard road, but I've accepted to let go of the past, even if I had fond memories from my ex. Believe me, you don't want that past. That past contains someone who will still have his issues and will just break your heart again. You cannot fix him. You cannot make him love you. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself. YOU are in control of yourself. You have to mature for both of your sakes. I held onto hope that my ex will see the light soon and come back, but holding on has held me back in healing. Your healing begins when you finally decide to let go. Let go of him. If you REALLY want the possibility of a second chance, you have to LET GO. He is incapable of loving you as is. He will not give you what you need. He is still emotionally immature, no matter how old he is (my ex is 32, still immature!) . That's the harsh reality of it.

On the other side, reality is still bright for you. You CAN find better. You may have some underlying issues like I did that made you think you could settle for this type of man. Codependency in my case. We're putting someone else's happiness before ours and it's just not healthy. That's not what healthy people do. Accept that you need help and may need to go to counseling like I did when I was about to reach rock bottom. It's scary to look inside ourselves, but facing danger and overcoming it will make you stronger and you will be able to see life with clear eyes once the gunk in ourselves have been cleaned. You need to fix yourself before getting into a new relationship, or else your risk repeating your toxic pattern. Once you do, and he does come around, you will have the emotional maturity to stare at this chance and be able to decide, with newfound confidence and strength, if the chance is worth it. You will be able to see if he really has changed for the better, because you would have seen it for yourself.

Good luck to you, feel free to PM me if you want to talk further.
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Old 28th October 2017, 3:56 PM   #9
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I had a weak moment on Monday and I unblocked him on my skype and whatsapp. The conversation went something like this:

Me:Hello
Him: Hello.
Me: I'm sorry I blocked you. I thought it was the best decision I could make for myself at the time. I'm sorry it's been so long. I'm not sure if you care anymore but I am doing well now so I thought it was time to add you back.
Him: For what? You can block me back.
Me: I don't want to. I've missed you. I'm sorry.
Him: Then whatever.
Me: Do you want me to leave? Please just talk to me.
Him: We have nothing to talk about. Go have your life. **** boys you deserve. Post more half naked photos.
Me: I won't block you I will delete you.
Him: Then do whatever. I give no ****. Especially about you anymore.
Me: Why? Because I blocked you? You've blocked me before. You've gone months without a word to me before. Why are you mad?
Him: Because you left without a word. Because you even mocked me on your damn tumblr. Because you let the whole world see you half naked when I was only allowed to see your bare shoulder. **** you. You are a teasing little slut. Goodbye. Go post more photos of your body slut I am blocking you.

The conversation went on for another 20 minutes before he blocked me. He said much more. Called me attention whore, slut, hypocrite and manipulative.. said the love was all gone and he only has disgust for me now. And the fact that I blocked him was not his biggest problem. It was the fact that I never sent him any naked photos. The image he is referring to that was on my tumblr wasn't even naked anyway. So, at least now I know there is no going back to him. I've deleted all of his contact info. I regret unblocking him. I'm feeling like an idiot.

Last edited by batjokes92; 28th October 2017 at 4:04 PM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 4:42 PM   #10
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I'd say that you feeling like an idiot is a good thing. And you're far from the only person who's ever done something silly like this - I know I have. With luck, this exchange with him will have the effect of you being figuratively hit upside the head and realising that he was never worth your time, effort, love or care.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:08 PM   #11
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There is no going back with him, ever. And that is a good thing.

His behavior toward you is disrespectful and abusive. Darling, you should have ended that conversation after the first two minutes. Because that, is what it means to have self respect - you refuse to allow another person to hurt you.

You are getting there. If you can, go to a women's health centre and get some counselling. Break this pattern of letting abusive men who do not have your best interest at heart into your life. Good luck.
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