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Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 11th March 2016, 6:12 PM   #1
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Really struggling to let go...[updated 2017-3-24]

Hi there, I have been perusing this forum for the better part of 4.5 months now, reading all the of the great topics and advice. My boyfriend and I broke up roughly 4 months ago, right after we purchased a house. I noticed that he started to act funny about 3 weeks after we bought the house so confronted him. He stated that he didn't feel the "spark" anymore, that he didn't feel the butterflies and was having doubts. I was obviously very upset as he had NEVER said anything before hand, or gave me any indication that he was questioning his feelings. I stated that of course after 5 years things are going to seem stale and routine...and that the spark requires work on both ends..and I was willing to do anything to make it work. He said that you shouldn't have to work on a spark..it should just be there. I felt like he was living in a fantasy land...but we managed to talk it out and he decided he wanted to try.

During this time he was in school for electrical, his truck broke down and we purchased the house. So a lot of stress. I decided to go to my parents to give him space and lent him my car so he had a way of getting to class. During that time he kept stating that he wanted to try and work on things, but was distant and didn't text me as much or answer his phone. I FINALLY snapped and went over to our rental and confronted him..and said to him that if he knew he wanted it to be over, to just tell me instead of dragging me along in limbo..to break it off now instead of waiting until he was done his exams. He went on to say he wants to try and he wouldn't break up with me after his exam. Well...day he writes his exam he breaks up with me...I was devastated. We ended up talking for hours..crying..and then having sex. He then went on to say he was going to Calgary for 10 days to give me space for work. This whole time I was talking to his sister, she said he was super confused...the house made him really question our relationship..but he did love me blah blah.


Well I find out by accident that he ended up going on a trip with another girl...a girl he had mentioned to me about a month ago...stating she was hitting on him and tried to add him on facebook. I saw what she looked like so wasn't too worried plus we had a super open and honest relationship and I trusted him completely. I found out that during that 2 weeks of space I gave him before the breakup..he tells his sister this chick has been texting him..knows he has a gf...and that they hung out once or twice while I was at my rents and he was super confused about his feelings. She went on to tell him he is clouding his judgment and not thinking clearly about us by having her there...as of course she is waiting on the sidelines. He goes on to say he never physically cheated on me...but obviously on an emotional level he did. I later find out this chick paid for the trip...wants him to move in with her..etc. When I confronted him balling my eyes out, we talked in the car..this girl calls my cell phone as shes watching us talk from OUR rental place...and threatens to call the police. What kind of chick has the balls to do something like that? I also find out that she checks his phone..is super clingy etc.

We had so many financial issues to clear up that No contact has been reall hard to implement. I kept hoping that this was all a bad dream..and we eventually did meet up and talk after two months of not seeing eachother. He explains to me that he deeply regrets the way he went about things, that I did not deserve that treatment...and that he wishes he could take it back but cant. I point out all the red flags this chick has demonstrated as his sister already has to him...and he agrees and says that something doesn't feel right in his gut with her. He states that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but admits he has driven by my place, gets jealous at the thought of me with other guys and really wishes that we had worked on the communication and spending time together otherwise we wouldn't be in this position. It hurts so much because he says these things but has continued to stay with this girl. When I asked him why he says "I don't want to be alone and she relaly really likes me".

How can you throw away 5 years? I know I should hate him...he left me in a bind with a house..my parents had to step in and take his place...and gets to walk away without any financial obligations and a brand new relationship. Meanwhile Im left picking up the pieces of a broken heart and dealing with this huge weight on my shoulders. All I want is him to apologize to me and say he made a huge mistake. I want to let it go and move on but I get so stuck on the fact that I was replaced over night. I know deep down that there was obviously issues he was having and doubts that he never told me about...but he hd multiple chances to back out of the house..I even asked him on multiple occasions!! Apparently, according to him...she had nothing to do with the breakup, it all had to do with the house. And he was so stressed out with everything going on, he states that he wasn't thinking clearly, never should have gone on that trip with her, and would have probably thought more about us if she wasn't in the picture.

I am feeling so worthless and rejected..and that 5 years ment nothing to him. He had never fallen in love before me..and I know he has a few commitment issues, but we had discussed a future together, traveled, and had a normal healthy relationship. Its like he flipped a switch. His sister thinks that he went so far over his head by going on this trip with this girl..that hes just seeing it through because the only other alternative is to be alone and think about what he did. He basically hopped into a relationship with me right after nhis last gf and that should have been a red flag but I thought I was different since he never loved her.

Maybe I dodged a bullet...and I think that he has some underlying issues with commitment. I guess I just worry that he will change for this new girl and she will be the "one" for him, whereas I invested 4.5-5 years and it was all for not. I deserve someone that acknowledges that a relationship requires work and that you aren't always going to feel butterflies and sparks. He said, when we spoke, that he now knows that you are never going to be 100% sure and that some doubts are natural and he wishes that he had tried. I just don't know what is stopping him, I guess I feel like he literally does not care about me at all anymore and that this girl has something I do not. I don't get how you walk away from someone straight into another persons arms after making such a huge commitment, a person that you've only known for a month. Hurts like hell. Will he regret it? I hope to god one day he does!

Sorry for the long message. I just don't know how to let go of wanting him to regret what he has done..and feeling worthless and that I ment nothing. I want the satisfaction of him saying he made a mistake and I want his relationship to fail since its based on lies and deception, but I know that's not healthy and petty of me. Ive been so nice to him through this whole ty situation, never thought in a MILLION years he would do this to me...and Im sick of feeling like the only one suffering. How can I move past this? Does he just get to move on and forget about me while im stuck hurting so badly? How do you let the hope die? I am 30 years old starting all over again and I miss my best friend and bf...while he get this new relationship. I just don't want to care or think about him anymore. We finally cleared up the finances and he is now totally ignoring me..i did no contact when I could and I admit I did feel better, I hate leaving things on bad terms so tried to reach out and wish him all the best...he couldn't even respond to that since hes hiding his convos with me from his gf and probably wants me to leave him alone. Any advice? Do you think theres a chance I will hear from him again? Sorry for the length and thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Last edited by ShannonM10; 11th March 2016 at 6:17 PM..
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Old 11th March 2016, 6:42 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post

Sorry for the long message. I just don't know how to let go of wanting him to regret what he has done..and feeling worthless and that I ment nothing. *I want the satisfaction of him saying he made a mistake and I want his relationship to fail since its based on lies and deception, but I know that's not healthy and petty of me. Ive been so nice to him through this whole ty situation, never thought in a MILLION years he would do this to me...and Im sick of feeling like the only one suffering. How can I move past this? Does he just get to move on and forget about me while im stuck hurting so badly? How do you let the hope die? I am 30 years old starting all over again and I miss my best friend and bf...while he get this new relationship. I just don't want to care or think about him anymore. We finally cleared up the finances and he is now totally ignoring me..i did no contact when I could and I admit I did feel better, I hate leaving things on bad terms so tried to reach out and wish him all the best...he couldn't even respond to that since hes hiding his convos with me from his gf and probably wants me to leave him alone. Any advice? **Do you think theres a chance I will hear from him again? Sorry for the length and thanks for taking the time to read this.
*Everything thing you are experiencing inside yourself is completely normal and to be expected.

There is no fast track to recovery, but your recovery begins when you accept that it really is over for good. That isn't the point where it stops hurting, but it is the point where you begin to heal and deal with the pain.

**Going totally NC makes it easier to heal because you are then not open to being hurt again, and the ex is not an active distraction.

*No direct contact.
*No sending or receiving of messages.
*Block any means he might use to contact you.
*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.
*No indirect contact through third parties.
*De-friend or delete from all social media.
*No monitoring of him on social media.
*No 'little birds' feeding you news.
*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

You will need to grieve the loss of the relationship; and also the loss of the future you wanted with him.

Some therapy might be helpful.

Don't doubt that you will love again, because you will.

Don't doubt that you will be happy again, because you will.

You just need to heal from this loss first.


Take care.
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Old 11th March 2016, 7:25 PM   #3
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Ugh, I am so sorry, hun. That whole situation sounds awful. Unfortunately, nothing is going to heal you but time. You cannot obsess about your ex and his new relationship. From what you said about her, it will be just a matter of time before he realizes just how nuts she is and becomes miserable. That's his own misery to bear. He's a coward with no communication skills. Trust me. If you don't have communication, it's only a matter of time before everything goes downhill. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. It's hard to hear, but you and him just weren't meant to be. He truly was living in a fantasy to think that a spark will just naturally be around 5 years down the line. You shouldn't concern yourself with leaving things on bad terms. He certainly didn't take your feelings into consideration when he ran off taking trips with some girl. So why are you worried about his feelings? Why should he have to hear that you wish him the best? He doesn't deserve that. Just let things be. I second that no contact is the way to go. I bet you when that other girl starts becoming more and more psycho, he will reach out to you. But you're going to have to ignore it. Do you really want to be with someone who flat out said he has no feelings for you other than confusion?

Do not worry. You will find a better guy. Just think about every breakup you've had. I'm sure you felt some of the same things you are feeling now. And you found love again, didn't you? Yes, it did not last. But that's only because you haven't found the right man. I know it's hard, but please do not get discouraged. You'll pick yourself up the ground and you WILL get stronger from this. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but that's because you're in the thick of it. Your head will clear and you will find peace one day. Just hang in there, girly. I'm 32 and just got cheated on and dumped. It's only been a month, but I am already feeling better. And I will continue to get better as time goes on. And so will you.
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Old 11th March 2016, 7:55 PM   #4
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He explains to me that he deeply regrets the way he went about things, that I did not deserve that treatment...and that he wishes he could take it back but cant.
Blah blah blah, what a piece of work. So why did he do it? He couldn't help himself doing it right? Well that is nonsense. Damaged217 is right. It are his communication-skills to start with and him being a relationship addict. He does not love, see: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...love-addiction

Be kind to yourself, you do not need this fool.
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Old 11th March 2016, 8:10 PM   #5
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What do you have to feel worthless and rejected about??! It is totally his loss and yes you dodged a bullet. If a house has him questioning the relationship, imagine how he would have reacted if you were pregnant...a bit scary to think about, isn't it? Anyway, he's an A-1 jack@$$. I have a feeling that as soon as you begin to move on, he'll come back crying with his "spark" in tow. At that point, tell him you're going on a butterfly watching tour and close the door to YOUR house!! Best of luck and you'll feel better. Take your time.
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Old 11th March 2016, 10:13 PM   #6
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Shannon, although our circumstances surrounding the break-up are very different, I am also struggling to let go of my relationship even though she hurt me. All I can say to you is that these next few weeks will be rocky with your emotions. The first three days I was crying (a grown man crying, geezus) and couldn't eat, sleep or do anything really. After that I had maybe one day for a few hours where I actually was sitting with some family and having fun and forgot all about my situation until they left and I was home alone. This proves that keeping busy, surrounding yourself with people even if you don't feel like it is a good influence on your brain in order to cope. There's been times where I have tried to distract myself as much as possible and would go to the grocery store where love songs were being played and as bad as it was because even though I'm somewhere thinking of what to buy to cook dinner with and such, she was in the back of my mind waiting to pop up and she did, thanks to the love songs because it triggered me to be reminded of her. Celebrities she liked on T.V reminds me of her, songs, food she liked, even words, all kinds of things and this is where it's tricky because your mind constantly goes through days where that's all you think of (them). This is a warning to you that it will get difficult and you may feel weak sometimes but please post here rather than contacting your ex. I still love my ex dearly but I can't force her to love me and want me back. Neither can you.

After I had my pity party, today is the first day where after two hours sleep I got up and went out to do something to myself. I got a haircut, shave, went to the gym, bought some new clothes, had a healthy dinner even though I wasn't hungry, cleaned my house, went out for a jog after that and came back to have a shower and I have to say, I look better than I did yesterday and I feel better than I did yesterday. So please, do all of these things and more, be extra kind to yourself during this process and surround yourself with friends, family, new people, anything to distract yourself and make your body feel better.

Chin up.
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Old 13th March 2016, 8:59 PM   #7
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Thank-you everyone for your honest opinions. I know it'll take time. Just seems like I'm the only one suffering but I cannot make any assumptions about him or his relationship. I guess I want to hear from him still but know that will just hold me back. I guess only time will tell but in the mean time I owe it to myself to move on. I def didn't deserve this and I hope one day he looks back with deep regret for not fighting for us and taking the easy way out.
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Old 14th March 2016, 6:28 AM   #8
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Thank-you everyone for your honest opinions. I know it'll take time. Just seems like I'm the only one suffering but I cannot make any assumptions about him or his relationship. I guess I want to hear from him still but know that will just hold me back. I guess only time will tell but in the mean time I owe it to myself to move on. I def didn't deserve this and I hope one day he looks back with deep regret for not fighting for us and taking the easy way out.
Two years ago - and other times in my life - I have often wished that I could let people feel for just one minute how I was feeling. The way we often feel is so hard to explain, even impossible. Your ex does deserve to feel what you are feeling for a short moment, but it does not work like this. Perhaps he gets it back at a certain point in his life but even then it might be the case that he does not feel it like you, as perhaps his love is more shallow (and perhaps not). It would be fair of we could let them really know, but we can't.

The good thing is that you are capable of feeling love. It makes you a a good partner and companion for someone out there.
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Old 29th March 2016, 10:50 PM   #9
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Hey guys, its been a little while since I posted my story and I am still really struggling. I have still not contacted him but have been very tempted, especially because his birthday is coming up. I feel like as much as I want to, I will end up looking pathetic and desperate, especially since he has made no attempts to talk to me and never even had the decency to respond to me when I tried to be nice last time. I keep going around in circles in my head asking myself what this girl had that I didnt, that made him want to hurt me so badly, how he can just treat someone that has been nothing but good to him this way. I could never even fathom doing what he did, and all I want is for him to show at least SOME remorse...or that even he cares about me. Its like I never existed at all....and that I matter that little. I want to turn off these negative thoughts, its just killing me that I havent even got one crumb from him...not even ONE..after what he has done. Does he just get to live happily ever after with this girl..and theres no justice in the world for hurting someone you used to love that much? I know I am sorry I am ranting and drowning in self pity tonight. I guess I just wish I knew if he even thought about me in any capacity...and wanted to reach out..or if he is head over heals for this new girl. I dont get how you can build a solid relationship on deception and lies like that....is it doomed to fail??

I guess I know the answer to my question, which is, should I say happy birthday?.....why I would even want to talk to him after this is beyond me...he was such a great bf for five years and the way he ended things is so appalling..that I cant even wrap my head around it. We didnt even fight..like EVER! Is is THAT easy to move on from someone? I just find that so difficult to grasp. I guess silence speaks more volumes on my part then anything.
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Old 29th March 2016, 11:16 PM   #10
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You know, it is funny. I think it is perfectly normal to want the dumper to feel some measure of regret, or to feel bad about the loss of the relationship. This is especially true when they obviously don't. Yet, when you have a wishy-washy dumper who is like that, who vacillates between wanting you and not wanting you, it's even worse. At least he's giving you the peace of mind that you can walk away not wondering if there's a chance. All you can wonder about is why it happened.

Which brings me to my second point. You now question whether you ever meant anything to him. I think that's because you don't feel in any way responsible for the breakup. If you did, you would absorb some of the blame, you could see his point of view, and you'd blame yourself for ****ing things up between you. But you don't feel that way, so naturally, you take his feelings for you now and distribute the present all the way back to the beginning. I can't tell you not to do that, but I can assure you that this is your reaction and not his. Things simply changed.

I believe the house was the catalyst. It made things real for him. It's like getting married in a way, except now you're married without ever having agreed to it. In short, he got cold feet. Be glad that this happened over a house, and not during an engagement or shortly after a marriage.

As to him and his new girl, who knows? It probably won't last. Most relationships don't. You may get a little guilty satisfaction from that, but it won't last long. It is much better for you to start looking into the future without him in it. This is the most difficult transition, but it can be done, and you can be happy with yourself and your future. If someone comes along to share that with you, then great, but the real measure of satisfaction is that you don't need that in your life, and you pursue your wants and needs in other ways. Hard to even contemplate now, I know.

That's all I really wanted to chime in with. Good luck to you.
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Old 30th March 2016, 5:37 PM   #11
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Thanks again for the support and words of wisdom. I felt like I was doing so much better the last couple weeks and then it was like a switch was flipped and I feel so hurt and sad all over again. Ive wanted so badly to reach out and ask hime what I did to make him not want to work at it with me, to ask him if he hurts at all or cares about me at all. I want to ask him these things but know it makes me look needy and weak, especially since he is more then likely enjoying his "rebound" or whatever she is. And many people say that it will eventually hit him, and I hope by then I am healed and moved on...but what if it doesnt? I feel like people that jump from one relationship to another without taking any time should deal with things properly...but what do I know. Maybe it will work for him, he will get over me, if he hasnt already, and he will never take a look back. All I know is that me reaching out to him would be a massive mistake on my part, because if anyone should be reaching out, its him.
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Old 31st March 2016, 5:28 PM   #12
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Ashamed of myself..

My story is a long one and if you want you can read it from a previous post. I did something I am really beating myself up about today..and I am ashamed of myself. I have not broken no contact at all with my ex, but I did with his sister today, and I feel so angry and dissapointed with myself. His sister helped me alot through the breakup, and was very much on my side, but I know in turn by talking with her, I am prolonging my healing process and she could feed me information that I do not want to know or hear. I also dont want her to think I am only talking to her to use her for info or anything.

I only reached out because I knew she had been in town and we did not speak or see eachother, which is for the best. But I felt the need to wish her a happy belated bday and to say that I hope she had a good easter and visit. I immediately felt regret and sick to my stomach, as I am pretty sure she read it but has not responded yet. I was not fishing for any information, just genuinely like the girl and dont want her to think less of me for reaching out to her when I was hurting. She was there for me alot and did not agree with what her brother did, but i feel guilty for putting her in an awkward position during the breakup. I did apologize to her on a number of occasions for doing that, and I think she understands, I guess I just dont want her to hate me.

Now I feel like an idiot and remorseful about my actions. I guess this will teach me not to break no contact, no matter who its with. Blah, I feel like getting sick.
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Old 31st March 2016, 9:12 PM   #13
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Eh, that's not a big deal. You reached out with an act of kindness. Whether it was somewhat self-serving or not, only you know.

At least you extended an olive branch. If she does respond, tell her you contacted her for that, and only for that. Tell her you don't want what happened between you and her brother to be a wedge between the two of you or even a topic of conversation ever.

You did alright. In a few months/years, this won't mean a damn thing, and you may even still be friends with her.

For now, just keep NC, do what you can to move on, and keep boundaries in place where you need them.
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Old 31st March 2016, 9:19 PM   #14
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Shannon, please be kind to yourself. I don't think your actions were bad at all. But if the result of contacting her did make you feel worse, then forgive yourself and move on.
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Old 31st March 2016, 9:44 PM   #15
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Yeah you're making too much of this. You just wanted to reach out to a friend before thinking through everything. So what? We all stumble every now and then. And, really, I doubt she would ever think badly of you for contacting her. On the screw-up scale, this one is really low on the list.
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