365 Days of All Contact, Every Day.

[UltimateSoprano1]

Last September I looked through my ex's phone (for the second time ever) and saw that what I thought was "working on us" was just an opportunity for him to have his cake and eat it too. He had been stringing me along for almost a year around that time but was dating and being intimate with up to ~7 different women at once. He probably dates 3 new women a month on average.

 

He is about 12 years my senior and we live an hour apart. I've drove to see him twice within the last year. I've known him for 3 years and we've been exclusive for 2 months of those three years.

 

We text almost every day. He tells me he can't leave me alone and will always want to be my friend. I can't do it but I keep trying because I want him in my life. He tells me about all the women he dates and asks for my opinion on his situations. I reply casually but inside it hurts to know he'd rather go through dozens of women he doesn't like than be with me.

 

He told me he was searching under rocks for something similar to what we had and that he didn't think he'd ever find it. His current girlfriend saw my name in his phone as "Sweet Baby" (an inside joke) and he practically told her that she would have to get over it, because I wasn't going anywhere.

 

He knows how quickly I'd drop everything to be with him again. He says we can't be together because of our arguments which is a lie. Most of our arguments were about his cheating. He didn't want kids or marriage before me but once with me, wanted them immediately. I feel like my inability to do those things with him right now is also why he doesn't want to try again.

 

I have dated and I feel absolutely nothing with anyone. I find dates dreadful because I know that no one will ever make my heart flutter the way he did. There is no one I'd sacrifice everything for. And I don't think I can let him go because I know he feels the same way about me. I keep hoping that one day he'll wake up and want to put in the effort to make it work (He needs professional therapy). But I don't want to wait another year or two or three...

 

A piece of me wants to sit him down and explain this, but I know that if he wanted me, we would be together. I just don't know how to live my life without him. But if I know I tried, he'd come after me to make sure I never did it again. I don't feel like I'm strong enough for what it takes to end this.

[Zahara]

I think you have romanticized this man to such an extent that someone looking from the outside is wondering what's so great about liar and a cheater. He's a man of zero integrity. There's nothing great about him except for this idealized image you've created in your head. I don't even think you love this guy or really need him as much as you think you do -- it's the fact that you've become incredibly dependent on his validation and attention, and that is why it seems like he's difficult to let go.

 

A man like him keeps a woman like you around because you feed his ego. The only reason you are around is because he feels inflated by the fact that no matter what a shytthead he is, you're still there catering to him. He knows you lack self-respect and knows it's easy to manipulate you. It's valuable to him because there are not many women out there that will tolerate someone like him being in their lives. So he always returns to get a boost whenever you aren't around. It's not because he loves or cares for you. Don't mistake his presence as some kind of loving attachment.

 

You lived your life without him before you met him. You'll live your life again without him. He is not the end all be all. Take him down from his pedestal. Aim higher.

Edited August 28, 2017 by Zahara

[Steve51]

If you stay with him you get will reap what you sow. You can do what some wives/girlfriends do and look the other way. Why you feel the way you do with that guy who is using you, is beyond understanding. He is not worth your love or adoration. You must have very low self esteem and respect. Seek professional help because you are heading down a path that will break you in the end. I will admit that it is good to have a woman at home for those nights when you cannot get a date. You are the perfect woman for a cheating man so be proud of it??????

[UltimateSoprano1]

You are right. I know that I love him and I don't doubt he loves me, but just not enough. I will of course be fine but I am not sure how I'm supposed to get to that point. I literally don't have the will power to end it and I have no idea where I can get it from. I've been trying to change how I see him and how I saw our relationship but it still has a positive spin in my mind. I am typically a very self assured, confident person. I am very proud of who I am and what I've accomplished in my life. But I made the mistake of being vulnerable with him/him with me and I am now the only one who can't undo it.

[Zahara]

You are right. I know that I love him and I don't doubt he loves me, but just not enough. I will of course be fine but I am not sure how I'm supposed to get to that point. I literally don't have the will power to end it and I have no idea where I can get it from. I've been trying to change how I see him and how I saw our relationship but it still has a positive spin in my mind. I am typically a very self assured, confident person. I am very proud of who I am and what I've accomplished in my life. But I made the mistake of being vulnerable with him/him with me and I am now the only one who can't undo it.

 

OP, you need to get your head out of the clouds. Love doesn't cheat, string you along and deny you commitment. Just because he stays attached to you does not mean he loves you. I think you've confused a toxic attachment as love. Stop magnifying his need to stay connected to you as a sign of love.

 

The reason why you keep holding on is because you believe you don't deserve any better. So, you look past all the bad and keep on idealizing this clown because that justifies you holding on. This "oh, I'm powerless" stance that you hold right now is just an excuse you stand behind because you fear the pain of walking away.

 

No one can help you until you decide you WANT to prioritize your self-respect and dignity.

[bummer]

Flip your last statement, fact is, "You are the only one who CAN undo it." You have to take control.

 

Have you heard of the no-contact (NC) rules? When you're in something bad and you need out, the surefire way to move on is to drop off the face of the earth.

 

NC Guide

[newyork82]

I think you have romanticized this man to such an extent that someone looking from the outside is wondering what's so great about liar and a cheater. He's a man of zero integrity. There's nothing great about him except for this idealized image you've created in your head. I don't even think you love this guy or really need him as much as you think you do -- it's the fact that you've become incredibly dependent on his validation and attention, and that is why it seems like he's difficult to let go.

 

A man like him keeps a woman like you around because you feed his ego. The only reason you are around is because he feels inflated by the fact that no matter what a shytthead he is, you're still there catering to him. He knows you lack self-respect and knows it's easy to manipulate you. It's valuable to him because there are not many women out there that will tolerate someone like him being in their lives. So he always returns to get a boost whenever you aren't around. It's not because he loves or cares for you. Don't mistake his presence as some kind of loving attachment.

 

You lived your life without him before you met him. You'll live your life again without him. He is not the end all be all. Take him down from his pedestal. Aim higher.

 

well said!