Old Estranged Friend Getting Married

[Almond_Joy]

Hi,

 

I posted about this friend from a platonic perspective 4 years ago.

 

Since I made that post I've brought that issue up with this friend. We never got back to being as close as we were. I realize now that he was never really interested in us being that close again. Like alot of adults I know, he built his social network in the years we became estranged, and though having new friends is nice it's not really necessary. That made me sad but I've grown my own network. We live our own lives now it is what it is. I thought.

 

He's engaged, I just found out recently. My hearts felt like lead ever since. I only ever think of him romantically when I'm considering ending my current relationship, so I've never taken these past romantic feelings seriously. But you know I wasn't looking to leave my relationship when I found out the news. I'd come around to the idea of marrying my current bf and being happy with that decision. But I find out this old friend of mine's is wants to love another woman for the rest of his life and I'm heartbroken.

 

 

Looking back, I'm pretty sure now that he was the first person I ever loved in a permanent way. I don't believe in soulmates, I believe you can have different experiences of love with different people. I've never loved anyone the way I continue to love this man. First as a friend, then almost how I imagine I'd love a brother if I had one. in the years we've been estranged it's manifested as this yearning to just be around him, to know him and what he's dealing with in life. To be some source of joy and comfort for him, the way he's been for me. Despite us not speaking often, he still remains my favorite person. I love nearly everything about himself that he's shared with me. I see so many things about him and I me that make me believe we would be good to and for each other.

 

I have trouble letting go of people. I know I can't change the past and life will go on. But I'm just hurt. I'm disappointed that our relationship never resolidifed and got stronger, and deeper, and more valuable to both of us. I'm hoping that in posting the pain will pass a bit more quickly. But if anyone's experienced this and is on the other side, having put these feelings behind them, I'd love to hear your input.

[Frostedflake]

I can give somewhat of an opposite perspective. There was a female friend I had several years ago and we were really close. She would make comments but I really thought she was just taking the piss or boosting my confidence like friends do. As it turns out, she was genuine and I was blind. I wanted a girl exactly like her but I did not think to look at her that way because of how well we did as friends. She's married, like your guy, and now I can only imagine the what if's. But you have to accept it doesn't go any further than this.

 

There are probably several people, experiences, and months to years between you two now if you feel this great separation and loss. And time has a way of changing people. He might not even be that guy anymore that you got along with so well or the friendship wouldn't have been so simply lost.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. But, at least you can recognize that it's just a matter of finally letting go.

[d0nnivain]

You need more positive self talk: It's over. It wasn't meant to be. hopefully this is a sign that I am one step closer to my happiness.

[Almond_Joy]

You need more positive self talk: It's over. It wasn't meant to be. hopefully this is a sign that I am one step closer to my happiness.

 

 

Haven't done formal self talk in many years. Maybe I should take this up again.

 

I haven't hurt like this in a long time, I honestly didn't think what I felt about him could still effect me this way. I wasn't prepared to deal with this process of letting go head on like this, in the face of undeniable proof that this relationship will never fulfill its potential.

 

I thought I'd be able to do it little by little over time.

 

Maybe if I had dated more and had more experiences of romantic feelings not being reciprocated I'd be in a better position to deal? Besides this guy I've only had one man not want me when I wanted them. I've been the one to end and move on from the majority of my romantic relationships, so I'm rarely on the receiving end of rejecting a potential romantic future you know? Does that make sense?

 

I'm just trying to reframe this in the context of life experience. It feels less personal and "big" that way.

[mousse]

It's hard when you have to let go of someone you feel so strongly about. My last big break up left me feeling like that, too. At first, I didn't understand why someone I had felt so close to, someone I felt I could be completely myself around, would leave me suddenly like that and completely stop contacting me. It hurts so much when you realize that the relationship meant more to you than to them I had that kind of thing happen to me a few times in my life, and it hurts a lot. In the end, little by little, you let go. You meet other people, too, people who care about you as much as you care about them and you learn to focus on those people instead. Try to keep busy and not dwell on it too much. I find that the feelings of sadness come back when I'm tired or stressed...but mostly now, I feel good in my life. It took me a long time but in the end I did let go, even though I'm naturally a little bit of a 'control freak'. I guess knowing that this guy rejected me without looking back even though I really loved him will always sting a little, but eventually, you do move forward.

 

 

Best of luck to you,

Mousse