How to get past all this?

[WorldTraveler]

Hi all,

 

I'm writing this for the purpose of cathartic release and was hoping to gain some tips on how to move on and close this chapter of my life with my ex for good as painful as a thought of that is. I'll do my best to keep this short and to the point, but if you have found your way to the end, any kind words or advice for moving on would be greatly appreciated.

 

Long story short my ex gf and I knew each other for 4 years and dating officially for 3.5 years. After 2.5 years we broke up for reasons due to me questioning my love for her and some doubts I had regarding her family and my family getting along if we were to get married as we came from different backgrounds. I soon realized that this was a foolish reason to break up and tried to resolve my doubts I had regarding my love for her and we got back together after 3 months of being broken up. Things were going pretty good, however multiple times throughout the relationship she would voice concerns over how she wasn't completely satisfied as sometimes I would be everything she wanted in a partner and she would be really happy with the way things were between us. And then after a couple of months she would find herself wanting more in terms of affection and romance and sex started becoming routine and dull. She described it as an emotional rollercoaster and found herself becoming exhausted from this cycle of feeling happy and satisfied and then she would voice her concerns, and I would do my best to address the problems and fix things and then she would be content with how things were between us, then more months would pass and the cycle would repeat itself.

 

Things kind of progressed like this until May of last year when she graduated college and moved to a different city for work. We were only an hour flight away from each other but both agreed to try long distance out for about a year at most because we obviously saw some kind of future with each other. This period of long distance was complete hell and as you can imagine made the problems we were experiencing prior that much worse. We saw each other for maybe 3-4 days every 4-6 weeks. The plan was for me to move to her city after a year of long distance and then I would get a job and finish my schooling down there and we would move in together. As the year mark started approaching, we as a couple were going downhill. The sex became dull and almost nonexistent. We started feeling more and more like best friends than romantic partners. We barely said I love you, weren't flirty with each other and she felt like we were just becoming too comfortable with each other. I think a sense of comfort and complacency are completely normal in any long term relationship, but when you have the problems we were having I think it just exacerbated things and we became lazy with the relationship. As we got closer to the year mark, we both started seeing how bad things had got between us and then she started saying how me moving to her city for her wouldn't work, as I wouldn't be able to afford rent while working part time and paying for school full time. So with all of this, after almost a year of long distance, we decided that it would be best for us to break things off and see how things progressed.

 

We did NC for about four months after the breakup until this last month where I came to her city for a 5 week long job training. I was so excited because I love her so much still and saw this as an opportunity to rekindle and see if we ended back up together once again. I am still here in her city and have fought hard for trying to rekindle things. We have met up twice where we've had long talks where I poured my heart out and tried my best to convince her that I am at a different place in my life now and that things would be different this time around. You can imagine how hard this was for me as the odds weren't exactly in my favor given our previous break up and problems we had. I told her all about how I am now in a better place career wise, and how being apart and dating other people has showed me that she was the only woman I wanted to be with and one that I wanted to be with forever. I told her how I envisioned her as my wife one day as the mother of my kids and someone that I could see myself long term with. I did my best to just get EVERYTHING off of my chest so at the very least I could get some closure making it easier to move on. I knew that no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't change her mind, but I figured at least I could leave here knowing I did everything I could to try to get her back.

 

She recently said how she doesn't think its a good idea if we continue to hang out as she knows that the feelings will come back and when they do they will only confuse her and complicate things and our situation now "is already confusing enough". So after putting everything I had out on the table, I respected her decision realizing that I could not force things. She proceeded to tell me she feels bad because she wants me to be happy, but she doesn't think that she could provide that happiness at this point in time. She stated how she is really enjoying how things are going in her life right now as things are uncomplicated and seem to be falling into place for her career wise and financially. I know she thinks that if we got back together, history would repeat itself and the same problems would arise, complicating her life. I am positive the thought of that terrifies her and makes her hesitant to try anything out again for the third time. So after putting myself out there, fighting so damn hard for this relationship and trying my best to rekindle things, I realized that her guard is staying up and not coming down, and I didn't make any progress in trying to get her back. She concluded by saying that if we were to get back together, she would be doing it for me and not for herself or us and her heart wouldn't be in it 110% which wouldn't make it fair to either of us. So I told her that unfortunately I have to throw in the towel then, and that It breaks my heart that she doesn't feel the same way that I do, but I acknowledge I can't change her mind at this point in time and that if that was to ever change, she's the only one that could change it. I told her that I would proceed to cut her out of my life completely and we would close this chapter of our lives for good which absolutely kills me considering I saw myself as being able to marry this woman one day.

 

So if you made it with me this far I just was seeing if anyone had any ideas or coping strategies to help move on for good. This has been my longest relationship by far. I deleted and unfollowed her on all social media, deleted all pictures of us and deleted all text messages between us. I am hoping once I get back home surrounded by friends and family and away from this city that she lives, in it will be slightly easier. The crazy thing is I was doing 100% fine immediately proceeding the breakup almost as if I was relieved that it was over. And she even described it as "a breath of fresh air". And then as soon as I saw her for the first time after the breakup, the feelings of love and lust rushed back immediately and I felt like I do now, as if we broke up all over again.

 

I wonder how much of this is just me wanting her back for all the wrong reasons? And I reflect back on all the problems we had as a couple and try to remember how they kept resurfacing and that we broke up for a reason. Not to mention my constant desire to be single and be able to see other women that would come and go while we were dating. But then at the same time I find myself having regrets about not trying as hard, not putting as much effort in and taking things for granted. I then beat myself up thinking Im the one that screwed this up and lost and amazing woman. Again I appreciate if you have made it this far, and any and all tips, advice and kind words are greatly appreciated. Thank you.