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Blindsided by Dumper


110Girl

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I was dumped about a month ago after a 4 year relationship. Today I decided to go NC. I felt completely blindsided. He cheated on me with his coworker, and while he was with me, he and his coworker developed feelings for each other. Yes ofcourse right after he dumps me, he continues seeing her. He said he lost all of feelings for me and has feelings for this new one. It was all shocking to me. Apparently he said while I was grieving the loss of my dad, I neglected him.. Wtf.

 

Anyways. 1 month later I actually resent him and wish him well in his new rebound relationship and went NC for my own good... Not for him. Today is day 0 only because he texted me today saying he still wants to be friends... I never replied, but no I wont be his friend.

 

I can say 1 month after this weird turnaround of events I'm actually looking forward to moving on. 2 weeks ago I was a mess. Now I look back and im thinking wow.. No one should ever put anyone through that. If he ever comes back during NC, well either he would need a brain transplant or make a complete 180 degree changes in his life (impossible). People never change. He had the nerve to tell me that if his relationship(s) dont work out then we can reconsider each other in the future.. I will never take him back. Hes so arrogant enough to think I'll be waiting around for him like his back up plan. Anyways apologies for the rant.. I'm glad it took me a few days short of a month to become intrigued by other people out there.

 

Also word of advice for people. Use NC to move on, take those few wks after a break up to cry and have a support system but never ever be a back up plan.

 

Also i think its hilarious that he thinks I will wait around for him. I never answered him when he texted me... So for all he knows I'll be waiting for him. The future might surprise him when he sees that Ive moved on.

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Do NOT fall for the 'friends' card, it is all a hoax. It is them grossly under paying for you and under-bidding for you, and it's usually because they're feeling NEEDY and want to have parts of you without commiting to you.

 

In other words, it's them wanting to drain a little more out of you before they suck you dry and discard of you anyway.

 

Do not reply to him. Move forward with your dignity.

 

In your corner.

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I'm so angry on your behalf about this Tool (your ex). Reminds me of the arrogant so and so i was with. I still get pangs of anger even six months later.

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Today has been the most I have cried.

 

In an effort to move on from my ex, I had a date today. At panera bread. Just some coffee and getting to know one another.

 

I tried so hard to be friendly. My date was into me but I kept dazing off.. Kept being reminded of my ex and our dates to panera. Why did my new date have to come here?

 

We talked for 2 hrs. He did most of the talking. When I came home I broke down crying. I never want to go to panera again. I cant date right now, too painful and not fair to the other person.

 

Will this get easier? I hate thinking about the ex. I hate my brain for doing this. Why cant my brain function on pure logic. Damn you human emotions ruining my life.

 

I keep thinking about him being with the rebound. I keep thinking how he dropped me for 1 second after so many years together. I keep thinking, why is a part of me hoping he will come back after he did all of this? Why am I hoping for a stupid text from him?? Why am I thinking so irrationally. Can I please fast forward time? Why the hell am I even wishing for breadcrumbs from him? Why am I fantasizing about him coming back with a reconcilatory apology. Stop it brain. Go away feelings. Stop stop stop.

 

I made a whole list of motivational notes to stick to NC, on my phone to read every time I miss him. It works while Im reading it but when Im not reading, the emotions start and the thinking starts and the what ifs start.

 

Ugh. Day 4 only. I never want to go through this pain again. One day in the future, I hope to look back at the pain I felt and be thankful that he's out of my life.

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Do NOT fall for the 'friends' card, it is all a hoax. It is them grossly under paying for you and under-bidding for you, and it's usually because they're feeling NEEDY and want to have parts of you without commiting to you.

 

In other words, it's them wanting to drain a little more out of you before they suck you dry and discard of you anyway.

 

Do not reply to him. Move forward with your dignity.

 

In your corner.

 

Yeah he went NC on me too. But he said he wants to be friends in a few more months when he feels better about us. He said first we should be acquaintances, then become friends. He laid out a plan for all that.

 

I dont ever plan on being his acquaintance/friend. But i never replied to him. I dont want to give him the satisfaction of control even with a reply. So I said nothing at all. I dont plan on breaking NC. Im just on day 4, I hope it gets better because right now Im miserable.

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I cant understand how he dropped me. He didnt seem like that kind of guy. Didnt see it coming. I knew it was because of another girl. It was too random and out of the blue.

 

Its horrible but it does give me some peace that the rebound is chubbier and uglier.. But still*sigh* im probably ugly to him since hes clearly repulsed by me to have dropped me in 1 second and wants nothing to do with me. And went NC on me as well.

 

It was a double rebound because his new girl left a LTR and so did he. Im prety sure theyre going to end up married and together forever. I feel that the more I wish its going to fail, the more they will flourish. Thats why Im doing NC. Im hoping that staying out of that picture completely will let that whole thing take its natural course.

 

I obviously wish it will be a disaster, being a double rebound and all, but who even knows. My mind is thinking of all the possibilities. Maybe they will actually be compatible because theyre both clearly cut from the same cloth. Birds of a feather.. Or maybe they will cheat on each other and the whole thing will burn down as quickly as it started.

 

Today i trashed the last remaining reminders of him that I found around the house. It felt great removing and disposing of it. I hate him so much right now. Now to do that with the memories.. That would be amazing.

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Don't try to date yet. You are not ready. Chalk up your Panera bread meeting as proof you've "Still got it" but take a break from men. Especially after being blindsided, you need more time to heal.

 

Glad you are getting rid of the remnants of him. That will help.

 

Now do things for yourself. Surround yourself with positive supportive people. Rearrange your house or living space. Change your hairstyle. Adopt a new exercise routine. Map out a plan of what you are going to do with all the time you now have on your hands.

 

Hang in there.

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Don't try to date yet. You are not ready. Chalk up your Panera bread meeting as proof you've "Still got it" but take a break from men. Especially after being blindsided, you need more time to heal.

 

Glad you are getting rid of the remnants of him. That will help.

 

Now do things for yourself. Surround yourself with positive supportive people. Rearrange your house or living space. Change your hairstyle. Adopt a new exercise routine. Map out a plan of what you are going to do with all the time you now have on your hands.

 

Hang in there.

 

Agree and completely spot on.

 

OP,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Being cheated on is devastating, and the roller coaster ride is extremely painful. Stay away from dating, and find yourself again.

 

If it makes you feel any better, just know that his new relationship more than likely is going to implode. There was no foundation built. Be prepared, because his "wanting to be friends" is his own subconsciousness screaming at him that his current "relationship" is not solid.

 

He's gonna continue to sniff at your door...

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Thanks guys. Yeah lesson learned. Not going to date just yet. Need the pain to subside. Might take a few more months. I hope it takes weeks.

 

He made it seem like hes doing perfect without me, especially since hes doing NC too. I actually think hes too proud to come sniffing around. Hes so arrogant.

 

But that is a really good point. He did say he needs to be my friend. Almost as if my presence is required in order for him to move on from me to other people. Im definitely not giving him what he wants. He needs to feel the void.

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Day 5 of NC

 

Hmm. I feel really indifferent about him right now and kind of numb. Thoughts about him and the rebound together are just kind of like "k. ew". I think my brain really prefers apathy today. I am hoping my mind continues with this.

 

For the first time I decided to look up cool activities Ive always wanted to do: Scuba diving.

 

I booked a trip for next week.

 

Looking for ward to hanging out with one of my best friends on Sunday.

 

I realized I didnt listen to music since the break up. Thank you for existing, music.

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It's awesome that you are able to separate "your brain/thoughts" from "you". Your brain IS doing crazy things right now, due to your sudden abandonment. I found this book really helpful in making sense of and working with seemingly irrational feelings. If it helps, I was dumped by after 3 months by a 35 year old man with no life goals, who used me sexually, didn't support me at all, and got into the relationship I think solely because he was lonely and wanted excitement, but was in a place in his life where he was totally unable to be a partner. You know how when you see a certain type of person, you are reminded of your ex? For me, that's whenever I see a five year old boy! I'm not kidding. That's how immature I felt he was (but I take responsibility for going for ignoring all the red flags). Anyway point is for months after my brain continues telling me "He's so much better than me! I am a loser" (because he was a cool "artist" type) and "I will never do better", "I'll never love someone as much as him!" etc. This book is really helping me get through this. it's called The Healing Journey from Abandonment and honestly anyone dealing with break up could benefit from it! https://www.amazon.ca/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Surviving-Recovering/dp/0425273539

 

I

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I think you are doing amazing after this breakup and considering what he is putting you through. You are smart to go Scuba Diving and any other activity you've always wanted to do. Those actions will give you strength of mind and body. In the next months try not to listen to any music that might remind you of him and do not go to any places you went with him. You're doing great so keep up the NC. Your silence in this breakup is power. It shows strength which is very attractive. Don't lose it.

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Thanks... Also writing here is helping and is very therapeutic for me. I think to be pent up with emotions is counter productive to healing.

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Hi!

 

So sorry your going thru this.. it must be a very difficult time.

 

Congrats on learning how to dive! I did so after a difficult breakup and never looked back! Are you certified? Be careful out there.

 

Good luck my friend!!!

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Hi!

 

So sorry your going thru this.. it must be a very difficult time.

 

Congrats on learning how to dive! I did so after a difficult breakup and never looked back! Are you certified? Be careful out there.

 

Good luck my friend!!!

 

Awesome! Not certified yet but I want to. I was looking up classes to take. It sounds like fun tbh.

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Day 6 of NC

 

It looks like my brain is setting the stage for indifference.

My ex is most probably deep in the honeymoon stage, no care in the world, etc.

Whatever good for him. Still the thought of that double rebound scenario and imagining them both together is once again giving me thoughts like "k, gross".

Im probably not going to hear from him until 6 to 12 months from now and thats IF that whole thing fails. And hopefully by then I will be moved on and completely repulsed by him.

Im already starting to be repulsed. Im not sad anymore. Hopefully it stays this way. And that i make it to 2 wks of NC without a breakdown. The key is to stay away from triggers. The memories I have of him are starting to be tainted too. Meaning my brain is making me think of it as useless nonsense and ignore the noise. I can definitely feel the numbness of it all. Whatever thoughts that used to make my heart take a plunge...now theres nothing. I can honestly say this is what I prefer. Sweet sweet apathy, you are most welcome.

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Day 7 of NC (1 wk of NC)

 

Indifference..apathy... Where did you go? I got a wave of sadness today.

 

Thoughts about it being completely over are setting in.

Im definitely not in a good mood today.

Still very numb.. Getting annoyed at things like noisy TV and loud people. I was surrounded by all that today, thats probably why. I need peace and quiet to heal, and do my own thing.

 

I keep wondering about their double rebound situation. Is it going to end? Flourish? Are they really in love? Ugh its probably going to flourish. I mean they work together and everyone at their work seems to be supportive of that.

 

Im depressed today. Still hoping for breadcrumb validation. How sad. Dont plan on ever breaking NC though. He needs to know what life is like without me. But he wont know until his honeymoon phase ends. god knows how long that will last.

 

Should I just be happy for him that he found happiness? Maybe im being selfish that he didnt find happiness in me. No but he entered a rebound while being with me so that was incredibly selfish on his part.

 

Still sadly and pathetically imagining a reconciliatory attempt from him. Yeah right. Hes too proud.

 

I cant with my brain today. Stoppppp.

 

What a stupid day.

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I have a question:

 

Apparently the dumper left me because he thought I was neglecting him. I was grieving the loss of my dad. He used that as a reason to cheat.

 

Is this something hes going to regret?

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Day 8 of NC

 

Random flashbacks of memories. I wish i didnt have them honestly. Its painful. We used to share something special, now he just found a replacement. The memories make me sad and resentful and i regret them. I thought he was different and one of the good ones. I just hope he regrets what he did.

 

Any contact from him is going to set me back. Thats why im sticking to NC. I hope he doesnt contact me even though in the back of my head I really want breadcrumbs. My only therapy right now is reading the forums.

 

Tomorrow im hanging out with one of my friends. That should be a lot of fun so im looking forward to that.

 

I lost my dad 1.5 yrs ago and now i lost someone i thought was my best friend. Im hoping i get over this break up soon. Losing my dad was the WORST.

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Just keeping putting one foot in front of the other. Live from minute to minute if you have to. Eventually the days will stretch into months and then years and you'll find yourself completely over it.

 

One day you'll even realize that him regretting it won't give you as much pleasure as you thought it would, because he won't matter anymore.

 

In the meantime, keep busy, do whatever you need to do to deal with it.

 

I read this book when I was in the beginning months of ending an 11 year toxic relationship "It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken" by Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and Greg Behrendt. Read it if you'd like. It made me laugh at a time in my life when I felt like I myself was broken.

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I had something similar 5 years ago, where my ex cheated on my with one of her co workers and moved in with him. She wanted to be friends with me and tried to do so by sending cheesy emails. I never replied. About 6 months after our breakup she called out of the blue to tell me she had broken up with the new guy and that she missed me. She claimed that she was constantly comparing him with me and that led to fights/arguements. It didnt't work out. We both cried and poured our hearts in that +/- 2hr convo. It ended by me saying that if there is ever any chance if us getting back together, she would need to step up big time.

 

Fast forward 5 years and she is married to some other dude. They can't have been together for more than 4 years, so he would have to had pop the question after 3 years of being together. The reality is that while I am still thinking about her on a regular basis, she never even looked back again. Seems this new guy is the true love of her live and not me.

 

Telling you this story, so you understand how important it is to let go. Your ex may still be yanking your leash at some point to see if you are still there, but his heart is no longer in the race. It never will be anymore. Focusing on your own well being is all that counts.

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I hope I eventually forget him. I absolutely hate that he comes in my dreams now. It driving me crazy. I wish I could detach myself from my thoughts and feelings.

 

I cant believe things still. Break up was a little more than a month ago but I did everything youre not supposed to do. Crying begging pleading etc. NC has been 9 days. I actually had an urge to text him. Im sooooo glad I didnt.

 

Sigh. I have a long way to go.

 

Day 9 of NC. I hung out with a friend and watched TV for hours and talked and stuff. It was nice but still. It seems like when I make myself busy Im fine. And then when Im back to doing nothing, the thoughts drown me.

 

I feel like in time I'm going to end up hating him for doing this to me. It feels like a personal hell. Right now Im extremely vulnerable but i know I will be so angry about this in time.

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Hi my friend!!

 

Just keep remembering that someone who could all of a sudden "lose feelings" for you is not someone you want to be with. It's really hard to see now, but this man is broken.

 

I felt like the first few weeks of NC were the worst, but it gets better!

 

So sorry you're going thru this difficult time. We're here for you!!!!

 

Hugs.

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I lost sooooo much weight since the break up, hardly eating, with the way things are going i might get hospitalized for malnutrition. Im getting blackouts nearly everyday and they increase everyday.

 

It makes me so angry that he can just drop people, hurt people, and do whatever the hell he wants to do and be totally fine and be on his merry way with no care in the world.

 

Thanks for all the support. I love this forum. Maybe time will ease things.

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I lost sooooo much weight since the break up, hardly eating, with the way things are going i might get hospitalized for malnutrition. Im getting blackouts nearly everyday and they increase everyday.

 

It makes me so angry that he can just drop people, hurt people, and do whatever the hell he wants to do and be totally fine and be on his merry way with no care in the world.

 

Thanks for all the support. I love this forum. Maybe time will ease things.

 

That is the single hardest thing/emotion to deal with when dealing with the pain of being cheated on. Just remember one thing that helped me: You don't know just how happy, and totally fine he is. Most of those thoughts are you projecting your hurt on yourself. History with millions of people have shown that is extremely rare for a person in his position to succeed in the relationship he is in. Does it happen? Yes. But it is rare. Very rare. Continue to focus on yourself and you will get to a spot where you truly do not care.

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