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From a Guy to Ladies: Guy moved too fast, but did you remember him?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th November 2017, 10:26 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Scarlett.O'hara View Post
I can see that you wrote this post back in August, but it sounds like it is still bothering you a bit so I'll answer your initial question from my own experience.

When I was about 15, I was friends with a guy who I started crushing on a bit. The feeling was mutual, and it felt nice and innocent. Anyway, one day he let me know he was interested and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. It was like flicking a switch. The crush I had just disappeared in an instant and I didn't want to deal with the reality of dating him.

I think we remained friends for a while, but it obviously faded away in time because I don't know anything about him now, and don't even remember his last name. It was part of my history though, so I don't look back on it negatively, just indifferently.

There was nothing wrong with the guy either, I was just young and naive and my feelings were fickle. In hindsight, I probably just enjoyed the feeling of liking someone, rather than the actual guy. When you are faced with the reality of a potential relationship, I think your genuine feelings are revealed, and I suspect this may have happened with the girl you are talking about.

I understand she is probably a bit older than I was. However, I think she might be just as inexperienced as I was at 15, given what she said about not disrespecting her future husband by seeing other guys, before she has even met him. It is an unusual way of looking at things, but she obviously has very strong beliefs which deserve to be respected, even if they are not fully understood.

If she had felt the same way you did, I believe she would have liked your letter. It didn't sound too over the top, but it was enough to let her know your interest in her. At that point, I guess she realized she had to make it clear where you stood with each other.

In time I think you will look back and realize this wasn't the right girl for you.
And one more thing, thank you. I hope this is the answer. This has plagued me for months, but I hope this may be the answer I was looking for. Thank you.
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Old 8th November 2017, 5:01 AM   #17
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What I am getting at is that she was not in love with me, correct? If she was, there really would not be a problem with me gushing, right?*
You keep asking if she loved you…that’s highly unlikely since you two never even dated. Sounds like you were friendly classmates who worked on a group project together.

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I gave her a nice shiny pen and five page note which was essentially a peer review with the final two pages dedicated to my thanks to her as a friend but played out like a love note as I told her how I had a crush on her, how I had fantasized about romance, how she was pretty, how she had been a good person to me and inspired me to be better. She smiled and said thank you when I handed her the note, but she did not read until she got home. Some of the content I mentioned in the note mentioned how I sensed her being uneasy around me through her body language and I apologized if I created discomfort.
Don’t write a 5 page letter to someone you’ve never even been on a date with. The highlighted portion above is really over the top because it sounds like you were nothing more than classmates.

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By this morning, I sent an email saying that I am leaving that offer on the table, that I was puzzled as to why she suddenly decided to call off any friendship within the span of a few days, and that I thought there was a deeper issue about me that would clarify as to why she was acting differently around me.
She was acting differently around you because you misinterpreted her friendliness for romantic interest. She backed off so that you would understand that it was only platonic. Your interpretation seems to be that she flirted with you, but it’s possible that she was just being friendly. Then you wrote a five page letter that was completely out of proportion to what had happened between the two of you. It made her think that you live in fantasy land.

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if she wants you or loves you enough and sees that she will not be rejected, then she will ask you out" apply of she was truly smitten in the first place or at the time? Even of the guy is shy, but shows he is attracted to you through other means?
You seem to think that you can somehow use friendship to get her to feel romantic love for you and then that will cause her to ask you out? That’s a really strange way to go about it and not likely to be successful.

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I even said that I thought we had built trust with each other and that I knew did not use me for answers because she tried to learn everything I showed her. Her final text was "The answer is no."*
This all happened in May? it’s time for you to stop obsessing about it and move on. The answer is no, she clearly told you that she isn’t interested. You can’t convince people to be attracted to you.
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Last edited by Yosemite; 8th November 2017 at 5:04 AM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:51 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
You keep asking if she loved you…that’s highly unlikely since you two never even dated. Sounds like you were friendly classmates who worked on a group project together.



Don’t write a 5 page letter to someone you’ve never even been on a date with. The highlighted portion above is really over the top because it sounds like you were nothing more than classmates.



She was acting differently around you because you misinterpreted her friendliness for romantic interest. She backed off so that you would understand that it was only platonic. Your interpretation seems to be that she flirted with you, but it’s possible that she was just being friendly. Then you wrote a five page letter that was completely out of proportion to what had happened between the two of you. It made her think that you live in fantasy land.



You seem to think that you can somehow use friendship to get her to feel romantic love for you and then that will cause her to ask you out? That’s a really strange way to go about it and not likely to be successful.



This all happened in May? it’s time for you to stop obsessing about it and move on. The answer is no, she clearly told you that she isn’t interested. You can’t convince people to be attracted to you.
No, no you are right. You are hitting at what I wanted to know. I am sorry I said "love." What I was trying to get to was if she was attracted at all or attracted enough, my actions would not have driven her away right?

I say this because she said she was happy when I told her I liked her more than a friend and then that changed that weekend. Some say it was the letter, some say it wasn't. I guess I'm wondering if a letter could kill attraction that much if she was head over heels, but if she was not, then I guess that is my answer.

I am so sorry if I am being a bother. I really do not know this stuff at all. I do not mean to sound dumb or obsessed. My apologies. The friend thing confused me because she said she never befriends men, but she talked about us always in the future sense like visiting Switzerland and junk like that and how she was happy that someone could love her despite her faults. She said love when referring to me first, so I was wondering if that was real, fun, or whatever. Maybe she was just being funny.

Last edited by JJ1088; 8th November 2017 at 9:58 AM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 4:03 PM   #19
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What I was trying to get to was if she was attracted at all or attracted enough, my actions would not have driven her away right?*
What will or wonít drive a person away depends on the person and the circumstances, but your actions can definitely drive a woman away even if she was very attracted to you. Your actions can change her attraction or end her attraction or increase her attraction. That should make you feel more confident because itís not completely out of your control.

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I guess I'm wondering if a letter could kill attraction that much if she was head over heels
Yes, it could especially if youíve never been on a date. You want your actions to match the circumstances. A letter like that written to someone who is a friendly classmate is excessive for what had happened between you two. It gives the impression that youíre not in touch with reality. A letter like that would be appropriate for a couple's 1 year anniversary. Since the two of you had never been on a date, that letter sent a negative message about you.

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The friend thing confused me because she said she never befriends men, but she talked about us always in the future sense like visiting Switzerland and junk like that and how she was happy that someone could love her despite her faults. She said love when referring to me first, so I was wondering if that was real, fun, or whatever.
No one knows her motivations except for her. Maybe thatís her way of flirting and when you took too long to ask her out and wrote the letter she was no longer attracted to you. Maybe she was just bored and passing the time when you two were studying. Thereís no way to know now. Wouldnít you prefer to know? If you had asked her on a date earlier and never given her the letter, you would know.
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Old 8th November 2017, 4:59 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
What will or won’t drive a person away depends on the person and the circumstances, but your actions can definitely drive a woman away even if she was very attracted to you. Your actions can change her attraction or end her attraction or increase her attraction. That should make you feel more confident because it’s not completely out of your control.


Yes, it could especially if you’ve never been on a date. You want your actions to match the circumstances. A letter like that written to someone who is a friendly classmate is excessive for what had happened between you two. It gives the impression that you’re not in touch with reality. A letter like that would be appropriate for a couple's 1 year anniversary. Since the two of you had never been on a date, that letter sent a negative message about you.



No one knows her motivations except for her. Maybe that’s her way of flirting and when you took too long to ask her out and wrote the letter she was no longer attracted to you. Maybe she was just bored and passing the time when you two were studying. There’s no way to know now. Wouldn’t you prefer to know? If you had asked her on a date earlier and never given her the letter, you would know.
True. Thank you for the honesty. Literally, my friends were telling me that she was crazy, but I knew there was something else at play. My stupidity. She always said she loved my writing and that she wishes somebody would write to her like the old fashioned ways. Stupid me took that too far then.

I honestly thought it was like a done deal when she said she wanted me to meet her parents and her friends were calling me her boyfriend. Lol. I read way too far into it I guess. I really appreciate your input, Yosemite. I am sorry for being such a noob. It really clears things up. Hopefully, I do not do it again. I'm surprised how my common sense apparently took a backseat in all of this.

Another reason I wrote a letter was because I said I wanted to join the Air Force in a few months and that I wanted to travel. She did not like that and she tried talking me out of it, then asked me of about some site about the life of military spouses. Things probably would have been uncomfortable if things did work out and I had to choose between love and a career so early in life. Maybe it was for the best.

Thanks, Yosemite! Thank you all! Anymore input is appreciated!

Last edited by JJ1088; 8th November 2017 at 5:30 PM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:52 PM   #21
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I honestly thought it was like a done deal when she said she wanted me to meet her parents and her friends were calling me her boyfriend. Lol. I read way too far into it I guess.
Maybe you didnít read too far into it, maybe you read it right, but even if you did read it right that doesnít mean you get to skip all the steps. You still have to ask her for a first date, you still have to go on the date etc and build the relationship together. I think where you went wrong was thinking you could jump to relationship without even one date. I think she would be your girlfriend right now if you had asked her for a date earlier on and had saved the letter for Valentineís Day or some other special occasion after youíd been dating for a while and were officially in a relationship and said I love you to each other.

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*I really appreciate your input, Yosemite.
Youíre very welcome! Iím glad I was able to help!
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:58 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
Maybe you didn’t read too far into it, maybe you read it right, but even if you did read it right that doesn’t mean you get to skip all the steps. You still have to ask her for a first date, you still have to go on the date etc and build the relationship together. I think where you went wrong was thinking you could jump to relationship without even one date. I think she would be your girlfriend right now if you had asked her for a date earlier on and had saved the letter for Valentine’s Day or some other special occasion after you’d been dating for a while and were officially in a relationship and said I love you to each other.



You’re very welcome! I’m glad I was able to help!
I wouldn't go that far as to say she would be my girlfriend. I have never been on a date, so I could still screw that up. Lol. Well scratch that, we had little informal lunch study dates at the cafe across from school a few times. Nothing formal.

Anyway, it was strange because I did ask her out and everything seemed golden, but I got uneasy and gave her that letter anyway. I told her to only open it if we do not talk again...she did anyway. I was stoked I got a date arranged, but it never came through. Her friends said she did not believe in dating before a relationship and a guy that asked her out and was denied said the same thing.

Seriously Yosemite, thank you. I needed angles on all of this.

Last edited by JJ1088; 9th November 2017 at 12:05 AM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:08 AM   #23
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I wouldn't go that far as to say she would be my girlfriend. I have never been on a date, so I could still screw that up. Lol. Well scratch that, we had little informal lunch study dates at the cafe across from school a few times. Nothing formal.
Well, thatís the point. You canít really know how everything would turn out if you donít ask her out. If you had asked her out and not given her the letter, itís possible she would be your girlfriend now, or you could have gone on a couple of dates and then maybe it might have fizzled out, or she might not have agreed to go on a date. You never know until you ask her out. Itís better to ask and find out than wonder what if your entire life.

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Anyway, it was strange because I did ask her out and everything seemed golden, but I got uneasy and gave her that letter anyway.*
Thereís your answer. You had a date arranged and everything was fine and then you gave her the letter. Once she read the letter, she didnít want to date you anymore. Also, despite what her friends said, she agreed to a date with youÖso they were wrong when they said that she doesnít date before a relationship. The letter killed your chances because it was way out of proportion to what had actually happened between the two of you.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:43 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
Well, that’s the point. You can’t really know how everything would turn out if you don’t ask her out. If you had asked her out and not given her the letter, it’s possible she would be your girlfriend now, or you could have gone on a couple of dates and then maybe it might have fizzled out, or she might not have agreed to go on a date. You never know until you ask her out. It’s better to ask and find out than wonder what if your entire life.



There’s your answer. You had a date arranged and everything was fine and then you gave her the letter. Once she read the letter, she didn’t want to date you anymore. Also, despite what her friends said, she agreed to a date with you…so they were wrong when they said that she doesn’t date before a relationship. The letter killed your chances because it was way out of proportion to what had actually happened between the two of you.
Agreed. Well, now that I know what is driving away people, I just need to figure what is attracting them to me. Lol.

I had this go on in high school and my early years of college. I personally do not think I am good looking, super intelligent, powerful, or anything that special. I'm pretty shy and quiet. In high school, I had cheerleaders doing this and I never acted on it. I always thought it was a joke.

I did run into this girl once after all of this and her rejection after the letter. She was getting real close and there a lot of "accidental" touching despite being plenty of room and she stayed rather close to me. Is that just physical attraction? I walked away.

Oh, and not really related, but I've learned that her GPA in school has dipped considerably and she is not getting the promotion she wanted and will be released when her contract expires. Last night, I received notice that I will be getting interviewed for my dream job. So maybe things happened for a reason? Maybe I was supposed to be stupid?

Last edited by JJ1088; 9th November 2017 at 12:21 PM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:06 PM   #25
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Sorry, one more question. Yosemite, you might be able to answer this. I am not mad that me and her are not together. I am hurt that me and her are not talking. I do not mind if she has another man by now and I want the best for her. I told her I will always be there to help as friend if needed. When she pushed me away, it killed, but I stayed away because of my respect for her.

I have been rejected by people that I have crushed on longer than her, but I never felt this hurt. I usually get over crushes fast. Is it possible I actually fell in love with her even if we did not date? I know it sounds strange, but my normal crushes usually disappear after a few months.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:46 PM   #26
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Well, now that I know what is driving away people, I just need to figure what is attracting them to me.*
You donít need to figure out what attracts people to you, you just need to accept that people are attracted to you. Just like you donít need to understand molecular gas exchange in order to breathe, you just breathe. (It is useful to be aware of any negative behaviors you may have.)

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I did run into this girl once after all of this and her rejection after the letter. She was getting real close and there a lot of "accidental" touching despite being plenty of room and she stayed rather close to me. Is that just physical attraction? I walked away.
IDK what her motives are. If you really want to see if thereís still a chance with her, ask her for a date. If she says no, then put her out of your mind for good. If she says yes, donít write her a letter!! Lol j/k just go on the date and have fun.

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I've learned that her GPA in school has dipped considerably and she is not getting the promotion she wanted and will be released when her contract expires.
So what. People go through ups and downs in their lives, thatís what living is. Are you saying that itís a good thing that things didnít work out between you two because now you donít have to have a gf whoís going through a rough patch in her career? Thatís a pretty awful way to think about things.

You shouldnít be following her closely enough online or through talking to her friends to find out that info. It makes you look obsessed and creepy. Not saying that you are those things, but that it gives that impression. Move on mentally and emotionally. Stop thinking about her.

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I have been rejected by people that I have crushed on longer than her, but I never felt this hurt. I usually get over crushes fast. Is it possible I actually fell in love with her even if we did not date?
You may have a fear of intimacy because of a fear of heartbreak. It may help you move your life forward to believe that you were in love with her and once you get over her, you can think, well, I fell in love with this girl and I went through heartbreak and came through the other side just fine. Therefore, I can take the risk and ask out another woman and allow myself to have a real relationship because I know that if it doesnít work out with her, the heartbreak will hurt, but then Iíll eventually be fine.

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I had this go on in high school and my early years of college. I personally do not think I am good looking, super intelligent, powerful, or anything that special. I'm pretty shy and quiet. In high school, I had cheerleaders doing this and I never acted on it. I always thought it was a joke.
So change your behavior. Talk when you would otherwise be silent. Act on it when you wouldnít have before. Itís really as simple as that.

You seem to have the ability to recognize when someone is flirting with you which is a skill a lot of guys who struggle with dating donít seem to have. So, instead of convincing yourself that it must not be flirting or attraction and that it must be a joke, just flirt back a little bit and then ask her out.

Itís not your job to decide for her that she should or shouldnít be attracted to you. Thatís for her to decide, and if she decides that she wants to flirt back with you and accept your date invitation, then you donít convince yourself that sheís joking. You go on the date and have a good time. Then you call her and ask her out again etc. If either of you wants to stop along the way, then you do, but you donít decide for her that she will or wonít stop. You can only decide that for yourself.
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:17 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Yosemite View Post
You don’t need to figure out what attracts people to you, you just need to accept that people are attracted to you. Just like you don’t need to understand molecular gas exchange in order to breathe, you just breathe. (It is useful to be aware of any negative behaviors you may have.)



IDK what her motives are. If you really want to see if there’s still a chance with her, ask her for a date. If she says no, then put her out of your mind for good. If she says yes, don’t write her a letter!! Lol j/k just go on the date and have fun.



So what. People go through ups and downs in their lives, that’s what living is. Are you saying that it’s a good thing that things didn’t work out between you two because now you don’t have to have a gf who’s going through a rough patch in her career? That’s a pretty awful way to think about things.

You shouldn’t be following her closely enough online or through talking to her friends to find out that info. It makes you look obsessed and creepy. Not saying that you are those things, but that it gives that impression. Move on mentally and emotionally. Stop thinking about her.



You may have a fear of intimacy because of a fear of heartbreak. It may help you move your life forward to believe that you were in love with her and once you get over her, you can think, well, I fell in love with this girl and I went through heartbreak and came through the other side just fine. Therefore, I can take the risk and ask out another woman and allow myself to have a real relationship because I know that if it doesn’t work out with her, the heartbreak will hurt, but then I’ll eventually be fine.



So change your behavior. Talk when you would otherwise be silent. Act on it when you wouldn’t have before. It’s really as simple as that.

You seem to have the ability to recognize when someone is flirting with you which is a skill a lot of guys who struggle with dating don’t seem to have. So, instead of convincing yourself that it must not be flirting or attraction and that it must be a joke, just flirt back a little bit and then ask her out.

It’s not your job to decide for her that she should or shouldn’t be attracted to you. That’s for her to decide, and if she decides that she wants to flirt back with you and accept your date invitation, then you don’t convince yourself that she’s joking. You go on the date and have a good time. Then you call her and ask her out again etc. If either of you wants to stop along the way, then you do, but you don’t decide for her that she will or won’t stop. You can only decide that for yourself.
Haha...no more letters! I think that is why Santa Claus hasn't written me back or given me presents in over 19 years. Lol.

As for her career and grades, a buddy of mine told me she seemed like a wreck in school. I'm not saying that she deserves anything bad, but I feel like she probably would have had more important things on her mind anyway. She is very career oriented.

I don't follow her online or any other way. I just hear it by word of mouth. Scratch that, when this first happened, I asked our mutual friends if they knew she if she hated me. They said they would ask and I said no and left it at that. My other buddy said that she was saying I was calling her and hanging up, but I do not know how that is possible when I blocked her number and never called her phone...like ever. I do not reach out after rejection for dating again. I periodically send a "Hi, hope you are well." email like once every 3 months. I know we are not "friends", but a friendly hello could not hurt, right? Yet, she busted into my computer and phone at school and asked how many exes I had an social media. I learned a lot ways to zero. Lol.

Anyway, I need to man up on asking people out. At least I might have some fun. Or at least practice my Zap Brannigan pickup lines from Futurama. Lol.

Last edited by JJ1088; 10th November 2017 at 12:34 AM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:42 PM   #28
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Anyway, I need to man up on asking people out.
I hope you do ask more people out. Just go for it and have a good time.

Good luck OP.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:23 PM   #29
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I hope you do ask more people out. Just go for it and have a good time.

Good luck OP.
Thanks! I'll need it! Thanks everyone! If the moderator wants to close this thread, then that would be great! I do not want to create unnecessary clutter!
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