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From a Guy to Ladies: Guy moved too fast, but did you remember him?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 9th August 2017, 7:03 PM   #1
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From a Guy to Ladies: Guy moved too fast, but did you remember him?

Previous post relating to this:

I Thought my Crush Showed Interest and I Screwed Up

Long story short:

We are both 25. Got really close to a girl over a few months. She knew so much about me and even gushed about me. She was an expert on me from my diet, to movie preferences, and she mirrored my lingo, movements, and store preferences. She asked about job plans and she tried to align our career goals together, asked me how many children I wanted, acted like a mother around me, dressed more provocatively than usual (she is very conservative), got jealous with other women in my presence, treated me like I was the only guy that existed in class, etc. Eventually, we scheduled a date. Well, I wrote her a thank you letter for finishing a project that I think gushed too much told her how great a friend she was, that I may have had a crush on her at one point (dumb), that she was pretty (she cried that she was fat the day before and she is not even close), and how sweet she was and she withdrew (In hindsight, it sounded more like a disguised love letter than a thank you note). She said she never had feelings for me, but I think I may have been too thick with my letter. Later, she says she cannot maintain a friendship with me out of respect for her future husband. Mutual friends said she is not seeing anyone at all. I wrote her a goodbye and withdrew from our accounts by unfollowing her. I was not in the mood for playing games to win her back. She blocked me afterwards on some social media outlets. I finally blocked hers because I was getting too curious and not moving on as fast as I should have. To her and her friends, I made myself nonexistent for my sake and maybe hers. Everyone we know says she did have strong feelings for me at one point.

To the ladies who may have had a guy like me make a mistake like this, if you had a good rapport with him, but things became complicated like this, did you remember him, especially if you liked him or had a crush on him?

Did you react the same way?

Is it possible that she only had an infatuation with me? She always seemed stressed or could not focus around me and was always trying to get my attention.

Either way, if you were so close at one point, did you forget them even if you tried to erase them from your life? What things did you remember if any?

If enough time passed, would you try to reconnect? (Maybe a second chance after a long enough period of time?)
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Old 9th August 2017, 7:43 PM   #2
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She said she never had feelings for you. What you said in a letter wouldn't change that. I think you just focused on her and misinterpreted her because you wanted to believe it. No one tells you "I never had feelings for you" unless they want you to leave them alone.
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Old 9th August 2017, 7:58 PM   #3
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Re:

I agree, but I left out that the day we made our movie date I told her I had a little crush on her and she smiled and said "Maybe I had a tiny one on you, too." and then she said we should go to a movie and dinner so we could talk. I showed my cards...rookie move on my end. And I should rephrase that her exact words were "I'm sorry if I misled you with my emotions." All in all, I see what you mean, but if I misread. Wow. I asked her friends, my friends, and acquaintances and they said she was just waiting one to make a move.

Last edited by JJ1088; 9th August 2017 at 8:04 PM..
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:35 PM   #4
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If it takes you a few months to find the courage to make your sexual interest in a woman clear, chances are for the most part you will remain high and dry.

It really isn't particularly difficult to date women and or have sex with them.

When you meet a woman and you are interested in being with her, you ask her out early and get on with it. If they turn you down let it go (no harm since we can't help who we're attracted to). If they don't turn you down, don't be insipid and desperate just go and have fun. If that works go on, if it doesn't let them go without harassment.

What you don't do is prove you lack the confidence to get to the point, by pontificating as friends interminably to no end, because you lack the testicular fortitude to be direct.

Do you really want to be remembered as that needy guy who didn't have the balls to speak up until the moment had passed, and then made a nuisance of them-self by pathetically carrying on after they were told go away?
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Old 12th August 2017, 6:55 AM   #5
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From what I read, I feel that maybe she got scared. People can react in a weird way sometimes when their feelings are reciprocated. Once, there was this guy and he really, really liked me. I liked him, too, but, since I had been hurt badly in the past, when I saw that he was falling hard for me, and showing me his vulnerable side, I got super scared and started acting cold towards him, which is not my style at all. Truth is, I panicked, because for once, there was this amazing guy who was genuinely falling for me and it scared me so much. This ended up pushing him away. Years later, I still kick myself for reacting like this.
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Old 12th August 2017, 7:51 AM   #6
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You were safe when you were her friend. As soon as it became a real date she got scared. The idea of having to be physical -- even hand holding or kissing -- terrified her & she ran. I suspect she's socially immature. That line about respect for her future husband coming from a 25 year old who is not dating screams lack of experience.
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:10 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by mousse View Post
From what I read, I feel that maybe she got scared. People can react in a weird way sometimes when their feelings are reciprocated. Once, there was this guy and he really, really liked me. I liked him, too, but, since I had been hurt badly in the past, when I saw that he was falling hard for me, and showing me his vulnerable side, I got super scared and started acting cold towards him, which is not my style at all. Truth is, I panicked, because for once, there was this amazing guy who was genuinely falling for me and it scared me so much. This ended up pushing him away. Years later, I still kick myself for reacting like this.
Could it also be "the thrill of the chase" or an infatuation if it ended so abruptly?
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Old 7th November 2017, 2:12 PM   #8
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You were safe when you were her friend. As soon as it became a real date she got scared. The idea of having to be physical -- even hand holding or kissing -- terrified her & she ran. I suspect she's socially immature. That line about respect for her future husband coming from a 25 year old who is not dating screams lack of experience.
Another conspiracy theory, is it possible she met a guy in that limited time frame of a few days and saw him as a future spouse, dated him once, and decided to be exclusive?
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Old 7th November 2017, 3:30 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by JJ1088 View Post
Another conspiracy theory, is it possible she met a guy in that limited time frame of a few days and saw him as a future spouse, dated him once, and decided to be exclusive?
I suppose it's possible. Unlikely but almost anything is possible. It's more likely social immaturity.
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Old 7th November 2017, 3:55 PM   #10
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WTF with these responses on this thread so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ1088 View Post
Previous post relating to this:

I Thought my Crush Showed Interest and I Screwed Up

Long story short:

We are both 25. Got really close to a girl over a few months. She knew so much about me and even gushed about me. She was an expert on me from my diet, to movie preferences, and she mirrored my lingo, movements, and store preferences. She asked about job plans and she tried to align our career goals together, asked me how many children I wanted, acted like a mother around me, dressed more provocatively than usual (she is very conservative), got jealous with other women in my presence, treated me like I was the only guy that existed in class, etc. Eventually, we scheduled a date. Well, I wrote her a thank you letter for finishing a project that I think gushed too much told her how great a friend she was, that I may have had a crush on her at one point (dumb), that she was pretty (she cried that she was fat the day before and she is not even close), and how sweet she was and she withdrew (In hindsight, it sounded more like a disguised love letter than a thank you note). She said she never had feelings for me, but I think I may have been too thick with my letter. Later, she says she cannot maintain a friendship with me out of respect for her future husband. Mutual friends said she is not seeing anyone at all. I wrote her a goodbye and withdrew from our accounts by unfollowing her. I was not in the mood for playing games to win her back. She blocked me afterwards on some social media outlets. I finally blocked hers because I was getting too curious and not moving on as fast as I should have. To her and her friends, I made myself nonexistent for my sake and maybe hers. Everyone we know says she did have strong feelings for me at one point.

To the ladies who may have had a guy like me make a mistake like this, if you had a good rapport with him, but things became complicated like this, did you remember him, especially if you liked him or had a crush on him?

Did you react the same way?

Is it possible that she only had an infatuation with me? She always seemed stressed or could not focus around me and was always trying to get my attention.

Either way, if you were so close at one point, did you forget them even if you tried to erase them from your life? What things did you remember if any?

If enough time passed, would you try to reconnect? (Maybe a second chance after a long enough period of time?)
Yes, for future reference, OP does need to make a move faster than he did. And you need to do things in a better sequence. No letters pouring out your feelings until she has earned them as your girlfriend!

BUT, did you all read the entire post?? Am I the only one to see this, or does this girl sound like she has issues?

Usually when someone comes on here anywhere nearly as strong as she did, she is likely to back off just as quickly.
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Old 7th November 2017, 4:40 PM   #11
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WTF with these responses on this thread so far.



Yes, for future reference, OP does need to make a move faster than he did. And you need to do things in a better sequence. No letters pouring out your feelings until she has earned them as your girlfriend!

BUT, did you all read the entire post?? Am I the only one to see this, or does this girl sound like she has issues?

Usually when someone comes on here anywhere nearly as strong as she did, she is likely to back off just as quickly.
Thank you. I held back on asking her out because I was first put off by her coming on strong and as I got to know her I did develop feelings. Yes, I will move faster with the next person, but this confused me too much.

As for coming on strong, is it weird that she asked where "we" were going to retire? Lol. Everything with her and I was referred to as we. Is it possible she was coming on strong to get me to make a move?

A random fact, her dad is a TV star and movie producer overseas. He has been married 3 different times as was her mother.

Now, am I crazy for thinking her interest was legit? I do not date, so I do not know. Should I have ran when she came on strong? I thought she was just infatuated and that also kept me at bay because my friend says infatuations just end in heartbreak most of the time. So, do you think she may loved me at one point or was just infatuated?

And a final question, if someone loves you enough, even with the letter, that would have no bearing on their feelings towards you assuming the person was actually in love, right? I ask this because I tell myself that I threw nothing away with stupidity because I think she did not actually love me. I also believe it would be effortless with the right person, not this drama.

Sorry for all of the questions. I am a noob. I appreciate your patience with me.

Last edited by JJ1088; 7th November 2017 at 5:12 PM..
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Old 7th November 2017, 6:55 PM   #12
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And a final question, if someone loves you enough, even with the letter, that would have no bearing on their feelings towards you assuming the person was actually in love, right? I ask this because I tell myself that I threw nothing away with stupidity because I think she did not actually love me. I also believe it would be effortless with the right person, not this drama.
It was not the letter, if she had been interested she would have ran to you at the first sign of any romantic attention from you, you are correct it would have been easy.
As it was, I guess she had made you into BFF type material and as soon as you declared your crush, she withdrew completely as that was NOT what it was all about for her. She may have even been shocked, some women are, when the BFF she thought she had, turns into another guy, who just wants to sleep with her.
Many women it seems to me put men in boxes. Yes, no and maybe.

She can be ultra flirty, she can be intense, she can cuddle you and watch Netflix on the sofa, she can tell you all her secrets and deep thoughts, but if she has put you in the "no" and the "just good friends" box, then you usually have no hope of turning it into anything else...
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Old 7th November 2017, 7:21 PM   #13
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It was not the letter, if she had been interested she would have ran to you at the first sign of any romantic attention from you, you are correct it would have been easy.
As it was, I guess she had made you into BFF type material and as soon as you declared your crush, she withdrew completely as that was NOT what it was all about for her. She may have even been shocked, some women are, when the BFF she thought she had, turns into another guy, who just wants to sleep with her.
Many women it seems to me put men in boxes. Yes, no and maybe.

She can be ultra flirty, she can be intense, she can cuddle you and watch Netflix on the sofa, she can tell you all her secrets and deep thoughts, but if she has put you in the "no" and the "just good friends" box, then you usually have no hope of turning it into anything else...
Well...the BFF story is strange. When I told her about the crush, she reciprocated. In fact, she said she asked for my help that morning so I could say how I felt. I came in because I thought she was going to tell me about her feelings first, but she kept staring and saying that I looked handsome when I worked, so I bit the bullet and went first. I suggested a date and I told her I would get back to her with the details. She agreed. Out of nowhere, she said she never liked me. In fact, the day I told her my feelings was when said everything she loved about me. Do crushes fizzle out that fast upon reciprocation?

So, I did not throw out anything legitimate right? It's not like she really loved me and I just acted dumb and caused her to lose interest, right?

What I am getting at is that she was not in love with me, correct? If she was, there really would not be a problem with me gushing, right? And it would not dissolve in a few hours or days upon reciprocation. right?

And one last thing, does the whole "if she wants you or loves you enough and sees that she will not be rejected, then she will ask you out" apply of she was truly smitten in the first place or at the time? Even of the guy is shy, but shows he is attracted to you through other means?

Last edited by JJ1088; 7th November 2017 at 8:08 PM..
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Old 7th November 2017, 9:15 PM   #14
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I can see that you wrote this post back in August, but it sounds like it is still bothering you a bit so I'll answer your initial question from my own experience.

When I was about 15, I was friends with a guy who I started crushing on a bit. The feeling was mutual, and it felt nice and innocent. Anyway, one day he let me know he was interested and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. It was like flicking a switch. The crush I had just disappeared in an instant and I didn't want to deal with the reality of dating him.

I think we remained friends for a while, but it obviously faded away in time because I don't know anything about him now, and don't even remember his last name. It was part of my history though, so I don't look back on it negatively, just indifferently.

There was nothing wrong with the guy either, I was just young and naive and my feelings were fickle. In hindsight, I probably just enjoyed the feeling of liking someone, rather than the actual guy. When you are faced with the reality of a potential relationship, I think your genuine feelings are revealed, and I suspect this may have happened with the girl you are talking about.

I understand she is probably a bit older than I was. However, I think she might be just as inexperienced as I was at 15, given what she said about not disrespecting her future husband by seeing other guys, before she has even met him. It is an unusual way of looking at things, but she obviously has very strong beliefs which deserve to be respected, even if they are not fully understood.

If she had felt the same way you did, I believe she would have liked your letter. It didn't sound too over the top, but it was enough to let her know your interest in her. At that point, I guess she realized she had to make it clear where you stood with each other.

In time I think you will look back and realize this wasn't the right girl for you.
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Old 7th November 2017, 10:21 PM   #15
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I can see that you wrote this post back in August, but it sounds like it is still bothering you a bit so I'll answer your initial question from my own experience.

When I was about 15, I was friends with a guy who I started crushing on a bit. The feeling was mutual, and it felt nice and innocent. Anyway, one day he let me know he was interested and asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. It was like flicking a switch. The crush I had just disappeared in an instant and I didn't want to deal with the reality of dating him.

I think we remained friends for a while, but it obviously faded away in time because I don't know anything about him now, and don't even remember his last name. It was part of my history though, so I don't look back on it negatively, just indifferently.

There was nothing wrong with the guy either, I was just young and naive and my feelings were fickle. In hindsight, I probably just enjoyed the feeling of liking someone, rather than the actual guy. When you are faced with the reality of a potential relationship, I think your genuine feelings are revealed, and I suspect this may have happened with the girl you are talking about.

I understand she is probably a bit older than I was. However, I think she might be just as inexperienced as I was at 15, given what she said about not disrespecting her future husband by seeing other guys, before she has even met him. It is an unusual way of looking at things, but she obviously has very strong beliefs which deserve to be respected, even if they are not fully understood.

If she had felt the same way you did, I believe she would have liked your letter. It didn't sound too over the top, but it was enough to let her know your interest in her. At that point, I guess she realized she had to make it clear where you stood with each other.

In time I think you will look back and realize this wasn't the right girl for you.
I appreciate your post and thank you. Yes, this has troubled me for a while. I do not understand why because I normally get over crushes rather fast. I just do not know if it was something more on my end.

As for the future husband thing, I think it was just an excuse because it was one of many that she gave me. I told her that if she believed that, fine.

What was interesting was when you said you liked the image rather than the actual guy. She said one of the reasons she could not see things with me was because she said I did not see her faults. Trust me, I went from a position of annoyance to liking with her. I knew her faults.

My biggest hangup in this is that I feel guilty. I feel like I let her down somehow. I feel like she loved me and I did something to break her trust and upset her. I don't know what I did though. She even told her parents about me and she always tried to hold my hand which actually happened after I told her how I felt.

That is why I hope she never loved me. To soothe my guilt.
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