LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree93Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 18th July 2017, 8:34 AM   #46
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by ItStartsFromWithin View Post
So, is she still living with him? Has she moved into her own place, as of now? And not to be Debbie downer; but can you verify that she had indeed, broken all ties with him, (the engagement/relationship) & is living elsewhere? Just don't want to see you get hurt again, if she ends up lying and/or ghosting you once more, as I know it had to be painful according to your previous thread.
For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

But yeah, they did break up.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 8:50 AM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5,922
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

But yeah, they did break up.
Cheaters lie.

She can be lying to you.

Is your name Duncan?

Because she has you running up and down on a string, as a
yoyo.
road is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 9:03 AM   #48
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 1,585
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
For those who have successfully transitioned from an affair to a healthy long-term relationship, I'd like to know what advice you might have for us both right now. What was the process like for you?
I won't give advice because, apparently, we went about it all wrong according to conventional wisdom. We met in late October, began our affair in January, and by July we were living together and had just conceived our son. Within a few weeks of my divorce being final, we married.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
How did it feel to transition from the drama of an affair to the stability of an LTR?
It felt glorious! I am a creature of habit and routine. Stability and security are important to me. Being in a stable relationship with the man I deeply has been a joy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
Was there a point in which you both needed to grieve and forgive everything that had led up to your new LTR so you could have the permission to fully enjoy it? What was that like?
MJ2 was single when we met. I'd been checked out of my marriage since I said "I do", so I didn't have any grieving to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future. She is in therapy and is trying to get some healing and not make any other sudden decisions right now.

We both believe that if it's meant to be then it will eventually unfold naturally.
Love and relationships are like gardens. Without being maintained, they wither and die. If you both want this relationship, you'll have to put in some effort. Very rarely does a relationship just unfold naturally.
__________________
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
MJJean is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 9:12 AM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 679
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
For several months he has been living somewhere else far away in the country for a new job. They still share an apartment lease so at some point he will come back to meet her and move out his belongings.

She has not broken all ties with him. In fact, she told me she wanted to remain friends with him. I know I have told her in the past that if we were to ever have a relationship it has to be 100% over between the two of them, and I reiterated this to her when she told me they broke up. I do not want a triangle relationship to continue in any form. It's her decision if she is going to stay in touch with him, but if she does, I know that it doesn't work for me and I won't allow myself to be with her.

I was also upset that she wasn't honest with him that she had been seeing me again recently. Their deal was that if she saw me again for a third time/affair that it was done. Her thinking was that since it was done anyway there was no point in telling him, but now she wants to have a friendship with him based on a lie. Strange.

But yeah, they did break up.
She is a liar and a cake eater. Proceed at your own risk. She will always have a back up plan.
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 9:27 AM   #50
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
She is a liar and a cake eater. Proceed at your own risk. She will always have a back up plan.
Maybe, but I know she doesn't want to lie but has issues from her upbringing as to why she is like that with some people. It is one of the reasons she is in therapy. To what extent she is able to change remains to be seen, but she is definitely making efforts. She did also tell me later that night after she broke up with her fiancÚ that she regrets not telling him the truth that she was seeing me yet again. She knows she should but she is very scared that she will be vilified by him and their mutual friends. This is the reason she ultimately lies, I believe. She tries to protect others to ultimately protect herself, but she only ends up hurting everyone involved.

This is just another reason why we are taking it slow and not saying anything between us is definitely going to happen. I want her to keep working on herself in therapy, and I want to watch myself so I am not putting too much of my happiness on what the outcome of this will be. I think I've been guilty of doing that to myself lately. I've decided I want my personal power back. I'm doing what I need to do for me and hoping that she does what she needs to do for herself. It'd be great if ultimately our lives can merge because there is a lot of potential, but it's just not there right now for either of us. Only time and intentions will tell.

I will not enter a relationship with her if she maintains any ties to him.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 11:10 AM   #51
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 679
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
I will not enter a relationship with her if she maintains any ties to him.
How will you know whether she maintains any ties to him?
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 1:21 PM   #52
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
How will you know whether she maintains any ties to him?
I guess I won't, but I'm sure at some point I would figure it out. The point of the therapy and her intention is to live life differently and with more honesty. My hope is she is able to do that. But if she replicates her old ways with me, it will come out at some point and that will be on her. I would walk if I had to. I want a real, honest relationship. Nothing less.
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 1:55 PM   #53
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 545
Having been in her shoes, I would not have been interested in a relationship with my AP if he told me I could not have any contact with my now ex-husband. My ex was a huge part of my life for 15 years - I strongly felt that if he were willing to and interested in maintaining a cordial relationship, that would also be important to me, in order for both of us to heal as well as possible from the trauma. We did stay in touch for quite a while, and my AP completely understood that that was best for me, and therefore he was fully supportive of it. My ex has fallen out of touch and I'm not sure if we will ever have a friendship in the future, but if we did, I would not let anyone else give me an ultimatum based on that.

She broke up with him, she doesn't want to be with him - and if she does, she will anyway regardless of what you "let" her do. I think it shows a clear lack of trust and respect on your part to forbid her from talking to her previous life partner of 10 years. What is your rationale for doing that? Is it jealousy or insecurity about your relationship? Because frankly that is your problem, not hers.

Just my 2 cents.

Last edited by Birdies; 18th July 2017 at 1:58 PM..
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 5:28 PM   #54
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdies View Post

I think it shows a clear lack of trust and respect on your part to forbid her from talking to her previous life partner of 10 years. What is your rationale for doing that? Is it jealousy or insecurity about your relationship? Because frankly that is your problem, not hers.

Just my 2 cents.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It is a complicated scenario for sure.

I would never tell her what to do. We are not a couple right now, so if she wants to stay in touch with him, I won't object. They have a long history together.

But if we were to have our own relationship, then I know I would not be comfortable with it. They don't have to be on bad terms, but I do not want an ongoing triangle between us.

He doesn't know that she and I were together again before she just broke up with him. She believes if she told him that he would never talk to her again, so she is now building a friendship based on a lie too. This also makes me uncomfortable that she is still lying.

I know he is trying to work on himself now and improve his relationship skills while they maintain a friendship. Who is to say that when her and I inevitably have a hard time that the new and improve him is hanging around and they get back together? I guess you could say that could really happen with anyone, not just him. That is true, but it ignores the role of lying here. Let's not excuse her dishonesty, because I'm not.

If she is an honest person in general, then I'll trust her. I think she is working sincerely on this issue in her personality, and we're both taking things slow because we're aware that change is needed on both of our ends. She needs to learn to be honest, and I need to learn how to trust more. I come with my own issues too for sure. I know this. It's not all about her here. I'm in therapy as well to work on myself.

Really, I just want an open, honest, real relationship with this person. As it stands now, the kind of relationship she is asking to have with her fiancÚ doesn't sound honest, and my sense from our conversation recently is that I would be expected to 'cover' for her among their mutual friends so she doesn't have to face reality. I worry about recreating a dishonest relationship where two people cannot fully be themselves and where that might lead over time, and so I don't want any part of that. Is that unreasonable to want?

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 18th July 2017 at 6:28 PM..
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 6:31 PM   #55
Established Member
 
sandylee1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,927
This will sound strange. ..but to be honest, I'm not suprised or don't blame her for not telling him she was seeing you again.

She doesnt want to look bad and it was over with you two and she ended it with him.

I wouldn't have spilled the beans either. Though if I was going for a relationship with a new man, then I wouldn't remain friends. ... it's too easy to slip back into sleeping with him.
__________________
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
sandylee1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 7:07 PM   #56
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 545
Quote:
Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It is a complicated scenario for sure.

I would never tell her what to do. We are not a couple right now, so if she wants to stay in touch with him, I won't object. They have a long history together.

But if we were to have our own relationship, then I know I would not be comfortable with it. They don't have to be on bad terms, but I do not want an ongoing triangle between us.

He doesn't know that she and I were together again before she just broke up with him. She believes if she told him that he would never talk to her again, so she is now building a friendship based on a lie too. This also makes me uncomfortable that she is still lying.

I know he is trying to work on himself now and improve his relationship skills while they maintain a friendship. Who is to say that when her and I inevitably have a hard time that the new and improve him is hanging around and they get back together? I guess you could say that could really happen with anyone, not just him. That is true, but it ignores the role of lying here. Let's not excuse her dishonesty, because I'm not.

If she is an honest person in general, then I'll trust her. I think she is working sincerely on this issue in her personality, and we're both taking things slow because we're aware that change is needed on both of our ends. She needs to learn to be honest, and I need to learn how to trust more. I come with my own issues too for sure. I know this. It's not all about her here. I'm in therapy as well to work on myself.

Really, I just want an open, honest, real relationship with this person. As it stands now, the kind of relationship she is asking to have with her fiancÚ doesn't sound honest, and my sense from our conversation recently is that I would be expected to 'cover' for her among their mutual friends so she doesn't have to face reality. I worry about recreating a dishonest relationship where two people cannot fully be themselves and where that might lead over time, and so I don't want any part of that. Is that unreasonable to want?
This would bother me too. She clearly has not learned all the right lessons from this experience, if she is still lying to him and to her friends. After my affair was busted, it took me a few days but I finally pulled my head out of my ass and was 100% honest with my ex and with friends. I agree that you need to be starting from a place of full and open discovery in order to have the right foundation for a new, "real" relationship.

One of the best ways to ensure that cheating never happens again is to experience to full gamut of consequences from it. Because that SUUUUCKS and makes you realize how much you're destroying with your selfishness. If she skips that step by continuing to lie to everyone, what's to keep her from doing the same thing all over again next time her relationship feels stale and there's a new guy who has piqued her interest? After all, she got away with it once.

Yeah I would feel VERY wary of this situation. And given how untrustworthy she is acting, I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable with her being in touch with her ex. I also think it's pretty likely - given what you've said in your updates - that if she wants to and she knows you aren't ok with it, she will keep it from you because "what he doesn't know won't hurt him". Which is, of course, the exact same justification we all use to have the affair in the first place.

Good luck!
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 7:08 PM   #57
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 545
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
This will sound strange. ..but to be honest, I'm not suprised or don't blame her for not telling him she was seeing you again.

She doesnt want to look bad and it was over with you two and she ended it with him.

I wouldn't have spilled the beans either. Though if I was going for a relationship with a new man, then I wouldn't remain friends. ... it's too easy to slip back into sleeping with him.
No, she was in false reconciliation with the ex fiance and he doesn't know it. That's definitely not cool and not a good sign for someone's trustworthiness in a new relationship.
Birdies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 7:14 PM   #58
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
This will sound strange. ..but to be honest, I'm not suprised or don't blame her for not telling him she was seeing you again.

She doesnt want to look bad and it was over with you two and she ended it with him.

I wouldn't have spilled the beans either. Though if I was going for a relationship with a new man, then I wouldn't remain friends. ... it's too easy to slip back into sleeping with him.
I can actually see your point, but because the lying would spill over into our relationship via both of us trying to cover up to their mutual friends about what went down, it's just continuing a life of lying. I don't want that. I want it real and honest. If we're going to do it, we're going to do it right. And if that's not where she's at, she or others could label me as having the problem all they want and I'd be fine with that. I want no part of it if this is how is going to go down.

Thank GOD she is in therapy. I seriously hope she works through this all the way...even if we don't wind up together. She is going to kill her own soul in the long run if she doesn't change.
Birdies likes this.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 18th July 2017 at 7:17 PM..
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 7:26 PM   #59
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Northern Hemisphere, Earth
Posts: 1,128
Quote:
Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
This would bother me too. She clearly has not learned all the right lessons from this experience, if she is still lying to him and to her friends. After my affair was busted, it took me a few days but I finally pulled my head out of my ass and was 100% honest with my ex and with friends. I agree that you need to be starting from a place of full and open discovery in order to have the right foundation for a new, "real" relationship.

One of the best ways to ensure that cheating never happens again is to experience to full gamut of consequences from it. Because that SUUUUCKS and makes you realize how much you're destroying with your selfishness. If she skips that step by continuing to lie to everyone, what's to keep her from doing the same thing all over again next time her relationship feels stale and there's a new guy who has piqued her interest? After all, she got away with it once.

Yeah I would feel VERY wary of this situation. And given how untrustworthy she is acting, I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable with her being in touch with her ex. I also think it's pretty likely - given what you've said in your updates - that if she wants to and she knows you aren't ok with it, she will keep it from you because "what he doesn't know won't hurt him". Which is, of course, the exact same justification we all use to have the affair in the first place.

Good luck!
Wow, you really put it into words what I couldn't. You really hit the nail on the head here.

I believe if she followed your advice it would be very helpful for her personal growth, my trust, and an honest shot at a loving relationship. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.

I have a lot of faith in this woman. If I didn't, there is no way I would have pursued her and stuck with the affair. I am very hopeful that she will do the right thing for herself. Even if she and I don't wind up together, I want this for her so badly. She has been through a lot and deserves to heal. I hope her therapy really helps!
Birdies likes this.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 18th July 2017 at 7:59 PM..
TunaInTheBrine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2017, 9:06 PM   #60
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,254
Why is it so important for her to sustain a relationship with him even after she's allegedly cut him out of her life? That, on top of the repeated, constant lying even when there's no reason for her to do so, doesn't bode well. She is either highly narcissistic at best or lying about her present circumstances at worst. Try to read your posts with an objective eye. Could you imagine wanting to date someone who by your own admission is dishonest and needs a massive amount of therapy?

My husband broke up with his then-girlfriend (they lived together, had been together for over four years) and immediately began dating me. It wasn't an affair situation since we had no contact after we admitted we had feelings for each other, but it could have been. I didn't hear from him again until after they had broken up. It was still a horribly messy situation but he handled it with grace and compassion, which is part of why I was willing to date him at all. Had he lied to me or insisted on lying to all our friends, or maintaining a relationship with her, I would've been livid.

It's easy to envision you a few years from now in the exact same boat her fiancÚ is in today. Nothing you've described so far indicates she has any interest in making sincere changes in her life. Are you really going to gamble your future on a leopard changing its spots?
Minneloa likes this.
lana-banana is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
OW - my aftermath [update: day 205] NewLeaf512 The Other Man / Woman 421 26th January 2016 4:59 PM
My brief encounter with non-monogamy and the aftermath of confusion TunaInTheBrine Breaks and Breaking Up 18 24th April 2015 9:00 PM
First Date aftermath [update] so gutted Dating 232 25th November 2014 2:43 PM
Handling the aftermath - update on hubby's EA. travelgirl Infidelity 6 14th January 2009 12:20 PM
Update: The Aftermath... A very changed life. EmotionallyYours Infidelity 198 5th April 2008 4:11 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:08 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.