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I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 1st July 2017, 10:35 PM   #31
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So she emailed me at 1:00 am the other night saying she wanted to check in, but I couldn't really decipher what she was trying to communicate in her message.

She mostly rambled about how amazing her new therapist is who she only met with once was and how he gets her at such a deep level, and how she was so excited to be starting a professional relationship with him where she will be meeting with him several times per week.

She then briefly said she thinks about me constantly and doesn't want to feel pressure to choose me or her fiancÚ right now, who is still on the other side of the country in limbo with her like me.

I couldn't help but feel that all the compliments she was giving her therapist may have been designed to elicit some jealousy in me, but I don't know. The thing that caught me most off guard was when she said something like "I know you probably feel mixed about the content and tone of this email."

Does anyone else have insights into what the heck the point of her email was? I was left very confused by it all. There was really no new information about us in it at all - just how much she admires her new therapist. For what it's worth, I'm also a therapist.
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Old 2nd July 2017, 10:54 PM   #32
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Several times a week? That's... highly unusual. That would have me quite concerned, honestly.

Any chance she was drunk/otherwise intoxicated when she sent the email?
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Old 2nd July 2017, 11:56 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
I couldn't help but feel that all the compliments she was giving her therapist may have been designed to elicit some jealousy in me, but I don't know.
I admit I haven't read this whole thread but I did search for the term "narcissism" and saw it mentioned briefly. Any chance this could apply to your situation? I believe my MM was one and I also think he liked to make me jealous as he was constantly telling me about other women he found attractive (triangulation?). In fact, something involving another woman (not his wife) was the final straw for me.

At any rate, I think your feelings of jealousy may not be unfounded.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 1:03 AM   #34
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Several times a week? That's... highly unusual. That would have me quite concerned, honestly.

Any chance she was drunk/otherwise intoxicated when she sent the email?
In some approaches to psychotherapy (psychoanalytic psychotherapy in particular), it is very common to meet at a frequency of several times per week. But I'm not sure that's the type of therapy she is doing based on what she told me some of the things her therapist was saying. I'm a therapist myself, and I felt that some of the things her therapist said to her were not reflective of that approach. I wouldn't be surprised if she searched out an attractive male therapist who she could have a 'safe' emotional affair with. She also tends to idealize men rather quickly, so I also wasn't surprised at how much admiration she was heaping onto this man after one meeting.

And yes, I suspect she was drunk when she sent the email. I had a hard time understanding the point she was trying to make, she sent it at 1:00 am on a weeknight (the time a little after the train stops running), and I know she likes to go get wasted with her coworkers sometimes after work on Thursday nights. I have no way of knowing, but I wouldn't be surprised.
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Old 3rd July 2017, 1:06 AM   #35
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I admit I haven't read this whole thread but I did search for the term "narcissism" and saw it mentioned briefly. Any chance this could apply to your situation? I believe my MM was one and I also think he liked to make me jealous as he was constantly telling me about other women he found attractive (triangulation?). In fact, something involving another woman (not his wife) was the final straw for me.

At any rate, I think your feelings of jealousy may not be unfounded.
Yes, I do think she has narcissistic qualities, but I am not sure I would label her a straight up narcissist. But she can be selfish, and she does tend to over-idealize men very early on.

I was tempted to fly off the handle in my response email to her, but I kept it benign because I knew that my feelings were not about me but about her behavior. She can do what she wants with her life. I am already clear with myself about moving on from this very toxic situation until she is a stable and single woman. At that point I would engage with her again, but I'm not holding my breath any longer. I'm all set with being someone's backup plan.

As a side note, I think it's funny how she is allowed to break the 30 day no contact rule she put in place between us, but if I had tried to make contact with her, she would probably get very angry with me and say I'm not respecting her need for space.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 3rd July 2017 at 1:09 AM..
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Old 10th July 2017, 11:33 AM   #36
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Trying to peel away every sentence she writes you is a recipe in futility. I would stop trying to analyze things ( I know easier said than done) and just live your life. What she does right now doesn't matter. You have made your expectations known and your "line in the sand". I would tune out what is said and just watch the actions (or inactions). Live your life, no one can predict the future, maybe she will show up again having cleared up her life, maybe she won't. You can't control her or what she does, just you.

I think by sitting back and watching people (in any situation) you learn far more about them than anything they can say.
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Old 10th July 2017, 12:11 PM   #37
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Trying to peel away every sentence she writes you is a recipe in futility. I would stop trying to analyze things ( I know easier said than done) and just live your life. What she does right now doesn't matter. You have made your expectations known and your "line in the sand". I would tune out what is said and just watch the actions (or inactions). Live your life, no one can predict the future, maybe she will show up again having cleared up her life, maybe she won't. You can't control her or what she does, just you.

I think by sitting back and watching people (in any situation) you learn far more about them than anything they can say.
I agree with all of this. I think my initial reactions were anger and fear. I've been adopting more acceptance recently. It's still a very painful situation for me, but I realize now there are things I can think to not make the pain worse.
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Old 10th July 2017, 4:00 PM   #38
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I would say that she has a very unhealthy attachment to the new therapist.

And, if you are a therpist yourself, you should know enough to realize that this girl is has pretty significant issues... Probably not the best person in whom you will want to place your trust and plan a future.
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Old 11th July 2017, 7:46 AM   #39
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I agree with all of this. I think my initial reactions were anger and fear. I've been adopting more acceptance recently. It's still a very painful situation for me, but I realize now there are things I can think to not make the pain worse.
Absolutely and TOTALLY normal. I went through that as well. And you just come to a place of either staying in the negative emotions/fear and just giving it up to the fates and not trying to predict the future. I am not saying it won't all work out. No one can say that. But right now she isn't in a good spot FOR you. So she needs to work on her to be worthy OF you.

If she does to you in the manner in which you have asked for, you will decide if you are still wanting her.

You have far more power than i think you may be feeling so I hope this helps. You will decide if you want her or not. Not the other way around.
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Old 17th July 2017, 3:49 PM   #40
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Whoa...she just broke up with her fiance. Now what?

Brief Background Story:

Our background story is that she and her fiancÚ were together for nearly a decade and decided to try an open relationship a year ago. She and I got together but ended things after several months because we both decided non-monogamy was not for us, but we already fell in love with each other. Several months ago we got back in touch and began an affair. Since her fiancÚ travels regularly for work, she basically moved in with me. Then almost a couple of months ago she came clean to her fiancÚ and decided she needed a break from the both of us for a bit. For the full story/thread on all of this, you can click here.

Current Events:

Well, she decided to end the relationship with her fiancÚ. I was and still am in total shock. She was clear that she is leaving him not just because of what she experienced with me (she says I changed her life in many ways), but also because she knows that after a decade with him that it's not what she wants and she realizes they cannot fix things.

We are trying to be careful and do things right so that we don't wind up in the same situation down the road. In other words, she doesn't want to jump from him to me, and I agree that is wise.

The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future. She is in therapy and is trying to get some healing and not make any other sudden decisions right now.

For those who have successfully transitioned from an affair to a healthy long-term relationship, I'd like to know what advice you might have for us both right now. What was the process like for you? How did it feel to transition from the drama of an affair to the stability of an LTR? Was there a point in which you both needed to grieve and forgive everything that had led up to your new LTR so you could have the permission to fully enjoy it? What was that like?

I suppose nothing is certain, but she and I do love each other very much and we believe there is potential between us. She is probably going to be raw emotionally for a while, and somewhat hot/cold with me. I expect things to be messy before they get cleaned up. We both believe that if it's meant to be then it will eventually unfold naturally.

I'd really like to know from those of you who have been in my shoes before if this sounds like the most mature approach and what your experience was like.

Thank you all very much for your support on this issue. I still cannot believe it has been a year and that things are actually happening, albeit slowly and with some uncertainty.

Best,
Tuna In The Brine
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Old 17th July 2017, 4:07 PM   #41
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The general consensus between the both of us is that we love each other very much, but that we still need some space from each other, that we want to touch base once in a while, and that we shouldn't expect anything or put too much pressure on the future.
She's free from 10 years of being tied down. She's going to play the field for a bit. .
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Old 17th July 2017, 4:10 PM   #42
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No real advice here but sounds like things are happening the way they should! Taking it slow and her leaving the prior relationship for her own reasons rather than just for you is how it should be. Continue to play it by ear. Don't expect too much too fast and just enjoy whatever happens.

Happy for y'all!
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Old 17th July 2017, 4:20 PM   #43
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I'm in a relationship with my former AP (we were both married )

Definitely take it slow and TALK about EVERYTHING. She will be feeling the whole gamut of emotions - guilt, missing her fiance, resentment at him, shame, etc.

I would be wary of too much hot and cold. When our marriages ended, it was incredibly difficult in so many ways (and obviously more so for our spouses ), but we never had doubts about each other. We knew we needed to address our own issues and that unexpected emotions would surface through the process, but I never felt unsure of how he felt about me and our future, or vice versa. If she is too much on the cold side, it might indicate that she just isn't ready to hop back into a relationship, or that she thinks you might be a great AP but not a permanent partner.

I'd also be wary if she isn't in counseling or is trying to rugsweep all this stuff. Obviously she has some real issues if she's able to cheat on her longterm fiance, and you need to make sure she's trying to fix them.

Good luck.
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Old 17th July 2017, 5:11 PM   #44
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I'm in a relationship with my former AP (we were both married )

Definitely take it slow and TALK about EVERYTHING. She will be feeling the whole gamut of emotions - guilt, missing her fiance, resentment at him, shame, etc.

I would be wary of too much hot and cold. When our marriages ended, it was incredibly difficult in so many ways (and obviously more so for our spouses ), but we never had doubts about each other. We knew we needed to address our own issues and that unexpected emotions would surface through the process, but I never felt unsure of how he felt about me and our future, or vice versa. If she is too much on the cold side, it might indicate that she just isn't ready to hop back into a relationship, or that she thinks you might be a great AP but not a permanent partner.

I'd also be wary if she isn't in counseling or is trying to rugsweep all this stuff. Obviously she has some real issues if she's able to cheat on her longterm fiance, and you need to make sure she's trying to fix them.

Good luck.
Yup. She's in therapy, and so am I. We've discussed the usefulness of doing couple therapy one day to come to terms with what we have been through.

She's not hot/cold as in being unsure about us. She is hot/cold as in some days she is enthusiastic about us and other days she is scared. She likes to say there's more to gain from our relationship and so more to lose. She has told some family and friend about me in small doses. She and I think we could get married and have children if this all works out.

We definitely communicate. Sounds like we're doing our best and the rest will unfold as it should, whatever that may be.
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Old 18th July 2017, 2:05 AM   #45
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So, is she still living with him? Has she moved into her own place, as of now? And not to be Debbie downer; but can you verify that she had indeed, broken all ties with him, (the engagement/relationship) & is living elsewhere? Just don't want to see you get hurt again, if she ends up lying and/or ghosting you once more, as I know it had to be painful according to your previous thread.
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