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I Came So Close: Confusion in the Aftermath [UPDATE]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th June 2017, 11:30 AM   #16
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Just a quick update...

I reached out to her earlier this week. It was just supposed to be "a friendly dinner," but it led to sex and her coming back to basically live with me for the rest of the week, just like before. Even though she already confessed to her fiancÚ and told him it wouldn't happen again, she came back to me. Neither of us felt good about it, but it really is like an addiction and we have a difficult time staying away from each other.

I did tell her I wasn't going to wait six months, or even three months, and that if she was wanting to work on her relationship with him then she had already made her choice of who to be with. If she really wanted to be with me, she would. Her argument is that I am the one she loves more and really wants to be with, but that it's not just a matter of jumping from him to me...it's a matter of telling family and friends what has happened, a matter of letting go of her life as she's known it for 10 years, a matter of being with me and knowing herself "in a new way" which both excites and scares her. I kept telling her I believed she had stronger feelings for me, but that I also believed she wouldn't follow through and actually leave him for me. She didn't really say anything to this, but that she wouldn't leave me hanging for months - that she would make a move in one direction or another soon. She even went to a therapist this week to try and figure stuff out, and she came out telling me how she talked about me/us the whole time and how much she wants to be with me but that it's complicated.

They are supposed to relocate to the west coast in a month or two, and they have a group vacation planned in Europe in August. I don't see her backing out of those plans. She loves to travel, she wants to live on the west coast, and she doesn't want to deal with coming out to friends and family about what's happened. I just don't think she's going to do it. I really don't.

Since it's the weekend and he is coming home, we don't see each other on weekends. She told me she would see me Sunday night, but then just hours after I dropped her off, she shifts on me. We were texting and I thought we were having a warm conversation, but then she suddenly texted me and said Sunday might be up in the air because she is going to tell her fiancÚ that we've been meeting up again and see how that goes.

So I'm pretty fed up at this point. I don't want to wait six months or even several months. I don't know if I want to wait at all. That just doesn't seem to work out from what I read around here. Naturally, the less you see someone, the less of a relationship you have with them. What's the point of putting my life on hold only to get a rejection letter down the road?

Furthermore, I'm feeling purely exhausted by all of this. When I'm with her, we only sleep 3-5 hours per night because of all the running around she does to keep up the lie (going home to FaceTime with him) and then we need time for us. My professional life is suffering as a result. My diet is less healthy when I'm with her and I don't go to the gym half as much. People are telling me I look like I'm losing muscle/weight. I'm just not well.

Finally, I know of two single and attractive women who want a serious relationship with me. My heart is not exactly open right now to being with anyone else, but if I don't cut off the affair soon and give myself some space to heal, I'll be putting my life on hold. I would like to marry and have a family over the next few years.

So I guess I'm waiting until tomorrow to see what happens. I don't want to pressure her to make a decision, but I do feel like I need to pressure myself to decide. And I've decided I'm not waiting six months. I want to live my life and start healing sooner than later. I wish I could tell you I'll end it Sunday if she says anything less than "I told him I'm leaving him" but I just don't know if I'm there yet. I'm getting closer though. I can't keep living like this.

Thank you all for your support.
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Old 17th June 2017, 12:00 PM   #17
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What she is doing to you and her husband is so cruel and so selfish. Why are you pining for a woman of such low character. On the one hand you think you are so special to her and that her love for you is so deep, on the other hand you don't believe she finds you worthy enough to sacrafice her fun August holiday to be with you. How shallow. You have also witnessed first hand the great lengths she will go to to deceive and manipulate the people she claims she cares about. Leaving you part way through the night so she can go FaceTime her fiancÚ. You would be very foolish to believe that she doesn't also manipulate and deceive you the same. How could you ever a trust a woman you have seen behaving in such a way?

You need to rip the bandaid off this affair. Know it's going to hurt but also know that the only way out is to take the pain so that you can begin to heal and move on. This is a life lesson and the sooner you learn the lesson the sooner you can move onto the next chapter.
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Old 17th June 2017, 12:10 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
Her argument is that I am the one she loves more and really wants to be with, but that it's not just a matter of jumping from him to me..
Er... yes it is.
People do it all the time.
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Old 17th June 2017, 12:35 PM   #19
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Aw Tuna, chances are slim and nil and slim just left town.

This woman is stringing you along. Heck, she's not even married so the tie to her fiancÚ would be easier to break than a marriage vow.

You're already putting your life on hold. As painful as it will be, let her go. YOU need to make the decision, not her. She's already made hers. So sorry...
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Old 17th June 2017, 12:39 PM   #20
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I was in a very similar position to your girl, after my affair came to light. My OM was already divorced and I was trying to figure out whether or not to try to make my marriage work following DDay (as was my husband) or start over with OM. I can tell you this, I would NOT have been planning on going on vacation with my husband and certainly not moving away with him, if I had any inclination of leaving the marriage. I mean sure, their marriage might fail down the line and she's hoping to have you as a backup plan - but she is not showing any clues that she will make the hard decisions necessary to be with you. (I ended up leaving my marriage to a good man who loved me and it was terribly hard - and of course terribly unfair to him, etc - and I know it's nothing to trivialize. She's right that it's difficult, not least of which because you're hurting the person you are supposed to love and protect the most in the world. That is incredibly horrible to do But it seems like she's unwilling to take those difficult steps.)

But yeah. You are Plan B. Its often what happens when you have an affair with a married person. I'd try to cut the cord and date someone who is willing and excited to be all in with you.
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Old 17th June 2017, 1:40 PM   #21
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Er... yes it is.
People do it all the time.
Yup, pretty much is in fact that simple. Go home, tell husband/wife you want a D, pack a bag, move out. Takes about 2 hours.
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Old 17th June 2017, 3:13 PM   #22
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But who would want to date someone that mercurial?

I don't know, I've never been married but my breakups have always involved, at a minimum, weeks of arguing and back-and-forth over it. Surely leaving someone you've made commitments to is even harder.
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Old 17th June 2017, 5:42 PM   #23
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Aw Tuna, chances are slim and nil and slim just left town.

This woman is stringing you along. Heck, she's not even married so the tie to her fiancÚ would be easier to break than a marriage vow.

You're already putting your life on hold. As painful as it will be, let her go. YOU need to make the decision, not her. She's already made hers. So sorry...
One argument she recently made is "how would you feel if I left him next week for you? I worry if I did that you would see it as cheap that I'd jump from one relationship to another."

But my thinking is that she is already in essence in the relationship with me! She lives with me five days a week and we act like a couple. Sure, I don't feel good saying that this was how our relationship was born, but I'd rather have that and then us deal with moving on from that together than us living on opposite sides of the country while she "figures her engagement out" and then "maybe" we get back together. Puh-lease! And at least we met originally within the context of an open relationship and it evolved into an affair much longer after that. Yeah, it's been messy, but I believe we could both deal with it if we really wanted to. Apparently though I'm the only one who is truly willing.

If she wants to work on her relationship with him, move away with him, go on vacation with him, etc... then you're right, she has made her decision. I'm still not quite at the point where I'm ready to cut all ties just yet, but I do feel it's getting closer to that point for me. This is just no way to live.
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Old 17th June 2017, 5:45 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
But who would want to date someone that mercurial?

I don't know, I've never been married but my breakups have always involved, at a minimum, weeks of arguing and back-and-forth over it. Surely leaving someone you've made commitments to is even harder.
Exactly. It is never a clean break. It's messy. She has definitely been telling him about me/us and he is not happy, but strangely, he is not bringing it up much or getting angry about it because he'd rather be with her than lose her. So strange. If I were him, I'd be fumed and tell her that it's either over with the affair guy or it's over with me. He's not a bad guy at all, but he seems like a huge pushover to me and he lets her get away with whatever she wants. I believe this is part of why she stays with him. It's just easier to run around behind someone's back and feel guilty/bad about it but keep doing it anyway than it is to actually make a decision and stick to it. I mean, I know it's far more complicated than that for her, but if he wasn't such a piece of putty in her hands than she wouldn't be allowed to keep doing this. My fear is that I'm becoming exactly like him, allowing her to do whatever she wants. And I know I just can't live that way.
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Old 19th June 2017, 12:03 AM   #25
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So another update... and I suspect this will be the final one...

She emailed me to say she's taking a one month break from both me and her fiancÚ, so she will be No Contact with the both of us while she "figures out what she needs," although she is going to talk to him in a couple of weeks for a check-in while she continues to be NC with me. She told me she would be in touch in about a month and that I can do whatever I want at this point (including moving on if I want to), and that she would understand. She then said her gut was telling her she would probably end up deciding to just be alone for a long time and possibly relocate back home to be near family while she continues to work on herself. But then when she forwarded me the email she sent to a prospective therapist to show me she was arranging for treatment, her email to the therapist said she was currently planning to relocate with her fiancÚ in a couple of months across the country. Looks like she tried to conceal the answer to me in her first email but there it is. She didn't seem all too sensitive to my feelings either in her emails to me. Somehow, I'm even the bad one in all of this to her. I'm glad she's going through with the inner work she needs to do, but I do feel quite abandoned, disregarded, tossed away, etc...

So yeah, I think it's pretty much done. I'm betting she'll message me after the month period is up to tell me where she is going to relocate and/or that she still needs time to figure stuff out. She has always maintained control over both relationships by keeping everything in a state of suspension, so I'm anticipating more of the same at best, and at worst she'll send me the official rejection letter. Maybe she'll leave both relationships and relocate back home, but I have a feeling that it's just going to be therapy and back to her fiancÚ when all is said and done, and the OM will be left in the dust. Ain't that the way it goes?

Well, thanks for all the support guys. It's been quite a ride.

Last edited by TunaInTheBrine; 19th June 2017 at 12:49 AM..
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Old 20th June 2017, 10:38 AM   #26
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Good luck Tuna!
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Old 25th June 2017, 4:46 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Origin View Post
Lol dude. Just as I was reading your story and thinking how incredibly similar it is to mine, and was getting ready to comment somebody post this and I'm like "hey that's my story!!!" Haha talk about tripping out.

I know my story is long as hell, read it, I guarantee you'll experience similar things on the road that's waiting for you if you stay in connection with this girl.

Good luck.
Hey Origin,
Followed your story with bated breath. It was an amazingly brilliant, raw, emotion-filled write-up of your experience. Truly a masterpiece writing. You should consider professional writing, perhaps, even that very same story you posted here on LS.org.
I believe you could even publish it or become an Amazon or Scribed partner to assist in publishing, just something to consider?
Anyways, I wanted to ask you, now, that its been a few months; how have things been going? Do you see her in a different perspective or light, than you had previously? Are you too still working together?
Did she go back to her previous boyfriend/fiancÚ?
Feel free to not respond if you don't want to re open old wounds.
Thanks.
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th June 2017 at 9:01 AM..
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Old 25th June 2017, 10:02 AM   #28
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Lol dude. Just as I was reading your story and thinking how incredibly similar it is to mine, and was getting ready to comment somebody post this and I'm like "hey that's my story!!!" Haha talk about tripping out.

Listen man, best thing to do will be to run and never look back. Now I know you won't do that because I was you, not that long ago and I kept buying her story and excuses for 2 years. The beginning, while she was still engaged sounds so similar to what you wrote. She even also told me one time she wants to give her relationship a chance for 90 days and then she will leave him....listen man....it's all fake and it won't ever happen.

You put your life on hold for next 6 months but unless you truly let go of her any girl you meet will always feel like a "temporary thing" until she calls you. You'll be waiting on that call until it comes and then drop everybody for her, I know, I did. The problem is she will never leave her fiancÚ and even if she gets caught she will try and repair it. She's just selfish, not on purpose, but selfish nonetheless. It's all about her feelings regardless who's feelings she destroys while they in her tornado.

I know it's an extremely difficult situation, decisions, wanting for her to finally "see the truth" and be with you but brother....it will never happen in the capacity you want and you will get hurt if your guard is not up.

I know my story is long as hell, read it, I guarantee you'll experience similar things on the road that's waiting for you if you stay in connection with this girl.

Good luck.
I read your whole post and it's always incredible to see others similarities in these situations...the yo yo effect. Just curious as to what's happened, or not, since then?
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Old 25th June 2017, 4:04 PM   #29
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Yes, I'll update the status on mine, I am in a much better place then where I was at not that long ago.
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Old 25th June 2017, 5:23 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by TunaInTheBrine View Post
So another update... and I suspect this will be the final one...

She emailed me to say she's taking a one month break from both me and her fiancÚ, so she will be No Contact with the both of us while she "figures out what she needs," although she is going to talk to him in a couple of weeks for a check-in while she continues to be NC with me. She told me she would be in touch in about a month and that I can do whatever I want at this point (including moving on if I want to), and that she would understand. She then said her gut was telling her she would probably end up deciding to just be alone for a long time and possibly relocate back home to be near family while she continues to work on herself. But then when she forwarded me the email she sent to a prospective therapist to show me she was arranging for treatment, her email to the therapist said she was currently planning to relocate with her fiancÚ in a couple of months across the country. Looks like she tried to conceal the answer to me in her first email but there it is. She didn't seem all too sensitive to my feelings either in her emails to me. Somehow, I'm even the bad one in all of this to her. I'm glad she's going through with the inner work she needs to do, but I do feel quite abandoned, disregarded, tossed away, etc...

So yeah, I think it's pretty much done. I'm betting she'll message me after the month period is up to tell me where she is going to relocate and/or that she still needs time to figure stuff out. She has always maintained control over both relationships by keeping everything in a state of suspension, so I'm anticipating more of the same at best, and at worst she'll send me the official rejection letter. Maybe she'll leave both relationships and relocate back home, but I have a feeling that it's just going to be therapy and back to her fiancÚ when all is said and done, and the OM will be left in the dust. Ain't that the way it goes?

Well, thanks for all the support guys. It's been quite a ride.
Tuna: I know someday you'll see this as dodging a bullet. Even if she comes back to YOU instead of HIM or both you and him, you should cut and run. The writing is on the wall. I feel for you and you're gonna be fine. Get back to the gym.
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