mike.c Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Hi, I had another topic in the Breaking Up section. Long story short, I was with a girl for more than a year, my first love, first lover, first everything. I loved her deeply and she was my best friend, the best one I had in my entire life. After the 1 year something broke, I was dealing with mental health issues and stress, I couldn't be with her anymore. Was also freaked out that I have never been with anyone else and that I would eventually regret it later in life and resent her. I broke up with her. Another year went by, I was able to deal with a lot of my issues. It took a lot of effort. I also decided to fix a lot of smaller things in my life to be ready for something serious. My love for her came back stronger than ever. I decided I was ready to reach out. I never saw her or heard about her being with someone, but she was... At that point, for almost a year. I freaked out when I found out. I cried like I haven't since I was a kid. Two months have passed, I am still being haunted by the thought of never being to touch her hand again. I don't think I ever loved anyone this much, I didn't think I could, and the thoughts that I killed her love for me, killed the most perfect relationship and disappointed my best friend are just tearing me apart. Last night was the worst with the most vivid memories of her. I actually thought I would not be able to last in that state and thought about ending it. I can't envision a future without her. Getting this girl was the best thing I did with my life and I ruined it forever. We had the purest, most unconditional love for each other and the best time of my life and I f*****ng wrecked it. At this point, I have nothing else and I hate myself more than ever before. I try to keep up the facade of being OK and in NC, but what good is NC when my mind is constantly picturing her. I see her everywhere. I just don't see a way out but one Link to post Share on other sites
Funny bunny Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 We know you're feeling like you're in a bottomless pit. Read the New Testament. It's very powerful. Instead shift your view and see it as the biggest mistake ever but you have no choice but to learn from it. Think of your family, brothers and sisters. You will come out. You must! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trustyourself Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Hey, I know its hard. You can only take it one day at a time. You will never forget the love you have for her, but you can work towards loving yourself. If you can accomplish that, you can accomplish anything. Be strong. You can get through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zul Posted July 18, 2017 Share Posted July 18, 2017 My friend, I dated my ex for 5 years, and exactly a year ago we broke up. I didn't care, I told her I am glad we broke up and that if she didn't break up with me, I would have broken up with her. Needless to say, I was lying. Well here we are a year after our breakup, and we were "friends" during that year. I thought I was okay, I thought it was all okay. She never mentioned she was dating someone else, we even hung out numerous times since January of this year. Then two days ago, she told me she's dating the very first guy she ever dated again... and get this, she lied and said it was recent. I went on his Facebook and found out it has been since 2016 they've been dating!!!!! Talk about wounds opening up again. It's not easy, even with a year under my belt of not dating her, it still hurts every day of my life. I hate it, but I move on. I pick my head up, and carry forward. You know why? Because this pain is only going to last until it starts to fade away. Like everything, it will end. I have ups and downs and circles and anything you can imagine. The pain sucks, and I haven't talked to her since I found out she lied and she basically stuck it to me. She's toxic, and she rubbed it into my face. There is someone out there that is for you, will be able to take you for who you are and you won't have to worry about anything except happiness and joy. Take it easy on yourself; it's their loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 18, 2017 Author Share Posted July 18, 2017 Thank you for your replies. I have been somewhat numb since yesterday evening, it was the worst day since everything happened. Thankfully I was able to sleep a little. The worst thing is I can't live with myself knowing I was the one who wrecked everything. There is no 'she wasn't right for me' or ' its their loss'. It's my loss and I deserve it. I am a *****ty human being. How could I have done all that? I also discovered another thing. Before we got together, I watched a lot of porn. She was my first lover and it was very exciting for the first few months. But then I started taking medication for my anxiety, which took a toll on our love life, as that was one of the side effects. The frustration made me slowly turn back to pornography, as only that could give enough of a stimulus to... complete. Later I came across multiple videos and self-help sites about porn addiction and how it wrecks your emotions and totally blocks you off from people. I think that's why I was able to breakup with her and feel nothing for a year. As I decided to really work on myself I quit porn and, lo and behold, my feelings toward her came back. So I guess that's one of the reasons. If I lived my life like I should have, it would never have come to this. Instead I was a f*cking porn addict and a petty man and I broke up with the love of my life, because I decided to take the easy route. Well, f*ck. I guess if I don't kill myself I will have to continue to work on my sh*t, but I will never meet another girl like that ever again. It's just... sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 19, 2017 Author Share Posted July 19, 2017 Another bad day. Woke up, went to take a shower and had to to have a cry. Yesterday I had a good enough day at work, went to work out a little bit. Came back home and decided to gather in one place everything that I have on my computer that reminds me of her and then put it away. Looking at the photos and videos made me cry like a b**ch for a good half hour. Some of them I had never even seen before. In one of the videos she looks directly into the lens and it reminded me of how she used to look at me. The thought of me pushing her away into the arms of another man while I still loved and love her is chipping away at my soul. Later today I'm going to have a talk with an acquaintance about a possible job opening. Don't know how I'm going to muster any sort of motivation for that. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 You don't have to stop loving her. Just... let her go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 19, 2017 Author Share Posted July 19, 2017 You don't have to stop loving her. Just... let her go. It's so hard to let go when you feel like each day gets her further away from you. I struggle to realise that it's already been such a long time since we've been together because it only appeared to me recently. For her it's been a year and a half, for me it's only been a month... I put my feelings on hold for all this time thinking she'd wait for me to get better. I never communicated to her that I'd want to spend the rest of my life with her and this one year that I needed is nothing compared to the years ahead of us. I really f*cked this up and now I'm the one hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 I put my feelings on hold for all this time thinking she'd wait for me to get better. I don't believe that. I think you broke up with her so you could have sex with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 19, 2017 Author Share Posted July 19, 2017 (edited) I don't believe that. I think you broke up with her so you could have sex with other women. You're absolutely right. Jesus.. I don't know what to say Edit:// I think I am emotionally incapable of being close with other people. I pushed her away just as I push everyone else away. I was told this by a shrink as well. Weird how I only really got that now. I was told to come to therapy twice a week, but I cannot afford it. I don't really know what to do now, but I think I have serious problems. And I did do that. It's best then she is not with me. If this is the kind of person that I am, then at least one of us will be happy and I'd rather it'd be her. Edited July 19, 2017 by mike.c Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 One of the best pieces of advice I can give for a situation like this is "Know thyself." If you've come to this conclusion about yourself, it might be beneficial to learn all you can about it. If you can't afford therapy, reading books can do wonders. Here is an excerpt from a book called Make Up, Don't Break Up. You might find it interesting: The tendency to distance is built in from "caveman" days as a way to survive and prepare for "fight of flight." Added to this are the wounds men suffer in early childhood, so it's no wonder men's natural tendency is to distance. They're prepared for flight at all times - just in case. In dating, during the "honeymoan" stage, the feel-good endorphins make men forget about this urge to flee. They feel no danger. When a relationship moves toward commitment, the stress makes the man physiologically uncomfortable and he takes flight. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 19, 2017 Share Posted July 19, 2017 You can't make yourself fall out of love with her. It can happen gradually if you get enough time and distance away from her. You might always have some feelings or some love for her, but you have go give it a lot of time before you become indifferent. I'm sorry. It's not easy, and there will be some bumps in the road, but you can move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 19, 2017 Author Share Posted July 19, 2017 One of the best pieces of advice I can give for a situation like this is "Know thyself." If you've come to this conclusion about yourself, it might be beneficial to learn all you can about it. If you can't afford therapy, reading books can do wonders. Here is an excerpt from a book called Make Up, Don't Break Up. You might find it interesting: Wish I could see it back then. I remember being on the verge of breaking up and not knowing what to do. I chose wrong. I also gave myself all the excuses I needed to proceed with it. I'm a total @sshole. Even if she has forgiven me, there is no way she'd ever want to be with me ever again. I see it now. Maybe it will make it easier to move on. It's just sad that I could actually do that to her, I always thought of myself as a good person but I guess some things are missing. Maybe because my dad was in jail when I was a kid and I never saw this love between a man and a woman. Don't know what to make of it. Thank you so much for your replies, they mean the world to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 21, 2017 Author Share Posted July 21, 2017 I'm thinking about reaching out to one of her very close guy friends (they knew each other from childhood), a guy I was jealous of but turned out to be OK, to see what he thinks and to shine a light on what she was going through when we broke up and if she ever mentioned me back then. Is that a good idea? If he tells me she hated me and would never want to see me again, that would make it easier to move on. If she didn't, maybe that would open up a door in case her current relationship didn't work out? I know how ridiculous that sounds. I know this guy cares for her like a brother, if I told him I'd want to spend the rest of my life loving and taking care of her, maybe he'd let me know if things were going south? Still feeling like I've lost the love of my life here, it's so hard to let go, although I've already come to terms that we might never be together again, but I sure as hell want to explore any possibility, even if I lose my dignity in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I'm thinking about reaching out to one of her very close guy friends (they knew each other from childhood), a guy I was jealous of but turned out to be OK, to see what he thinks and to shine a light on what she was going through when we broke up and if she ever mentioned me back then. Is that a good idea? No, that's a stupid idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 No, that's a stupid idea. I know it's stupid, but I'm reaching far because that's all I've got. I don't think I will be happy ever again, I never was, except for the time I spent with her. I was for once proud of myself and happy I had someone close. Even though I can still make it work for now, I can tell it's progressing. Each day I'm getting deeper in my head, until there's nothing left. I don't know what to do. There are moments where I'm just super tired and I let go, but it comes back with force. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 You don't know what you're doing, but many times, the only way to learn is through mistakes. The best teacher is experience. Do what you will, and you will see what happens. There is nothing more I can say to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 22, 2017 Share Posted July 22, 2017 You don't have to stop loving her. You have to stop being IN LOVE with her. That would allow you space to be in love with someone else. My serious committed relationships have been with some great women. If I were honest, I still have some love for all of them. But, I'm not in love with any of them. That has long passed. Which gives me room to love someone else. Even if that is only ... myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mike.c Posted July 22, 2017 Author Share Posted July 22, 2017 I am probably not going to contact anyone from her circle, I have been thinking about it for a long time (I did do it once at the initial stage) but every time it gets to me, I think to myself to hold on for one more day. I think I'm starting to understand my feelings and what hurts me the most now is that what we had was so pure and innocent that it probably won't happen to me ever gain. I pushed her into the arms of another man, which made it so complicated now that there is no coming back, it will never be the same. I probably won't be able to look at her, or myself, the same way ever again. I keep thinking that if I held on to the values taught by people in my family, I would be super happy with her and with no regrets about not ever being with anyone else. But I let that get to me, I thought I HAD TO try multiple relationships in order to be satisfied with life and happy. The truth is, the couples I know who since the beginning have only been with each other are the happiest. They decided to stick by each other. What could be worth more? That's why I so desperately wanted to get back with her. I'm losing this chance to live this simple life with a proud, loving girl who would never cheat or betray me. I let other people's opinions and my own insecurities get to me. The truth is, that if I was more of a man, none of that would have mattered and I'd stay by her side. Now I keep thinking about her new boyfriend, who is the man I should've been. I picture them falling in love just the way we did and it breaks my heart. I wish I had more balls to just be honest with her back then, I'm sure we'd work it out. I kept it all to myself and lied about why we were breaking up. This was my only chance to take the high road. To be the man I was supposed to be. All my life I cowered and made the wrong choices, getting her was the best thing I ever did. And leaving her was the worst. I wish there was a way to kill this feeling of disappointment in myself, but there isn't. It will stay with me forever. Link to post Share on other sites
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