Coping plus Mental Illness

[Guzzard]

I am new to posting here, but have done a substantial amount of reading here. A lot of very good advice and support has been offered here.

 

I'll keep my story short as it has quite a wild backstory. Ultimately, what appears to be rather suddenly, my wife came home from work early in order to tell me that she looked at her life purpose, I am not in it, she want's no responsibility, craves being alone, and realizes she should never have been married or even living with someone. She loves me, thinks I am wonderful, sorry she was a bad wife, and is just completely selfish. She left that day, left me and loved pets behind with no looking back, got an apartment in a week and is gone.

 

This was about 6 weeks ago. I spent 3.5 weeks emailing, calling, texting of course. I have gone 2.5 weeks no contact.

 

In my case, my wife was diagnosed bipolar with psychosis. She experienced over our time together various bouts of depression, mania, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessiveness, etc. She has a past relationship and marriage pattern that in hindsight, shows red flags and matches our situation today completely. On the other hand, we had some relationship issues going on that were caused by some aspects of her diagnosis. So, perhaps the current situation isn't the illness at all and she is just done. There is support for both sides of this.

 

I have spent all 6 weeks spinning yarns in my own head trying to explain it. I get caught in a circular that regardless of good or bad aspects, our marriage is fixable. I get caught up in explaining it. Ultimately, she left me holding the bag in a number of ways and her explanation makes no sense. It just can't be explained and at least in this moment while typing this... it doesn't matter... explained or not, she is not here and not reaching out to me in any way.

 

But I trap myself in this constant circle.....If its the illness then X, if its not the illness then Y. I read, do research, review posts, photos, emails, texts and lookup the illness and mid life crisis and try and try to explain.

 

I am in counseling for myself because I want out of this pattern. At least right now in this moment and having had a counseling session today, I am in a mode where I am not in the circle. I have learned a number of ways to get out of the circle, but sometimes nothing works and I hate being trapped by it so much. I want to move on... or... I'd rather she reach out to me.... and that keeps me hung up, because to me, when looking at all the facts, the only real sense I make of it is her illness. But still, that doesn't matter because she isn't willing to address it regardless so there is nothing I can do.

 

I'm looking for any advice and tips to break me out of the circle thought when I get trapped there. Most times, I am stuck in it, but I get a rare half day break where I'm not.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It just can't be explained and at least in this moment while typing this... it doesn't matter... explained or not, she is not here and not reaching out to me in any way.

 

It can't be explained . I think when it comes to mental illness you have to accept that you're just not going to understand. And that's OK. You accept the inexplicable.

[Chin Up]

I ended it a couple months ago with my ex who is bipolar. I've been reading about it a lot lately, mostly forums where partners are flipping out over what to do.

 

I realize a lot of the things I broke up with him over (excessive drinking, drugs, screaming fits, financial and life wise irresponsibility, mood swings, unpredictability, unreliable, untrustworthy at times, yaddy-yaddy) are all symptoms/problems that arise when the person is unmedicated or has sneakily gone off their meds (another big issue, they hate those darn meds)

 

I'm not sure if she's on her meds, but this another hallmark action..up and taking off. If it's mania, she wants to live it up, party party, basically go off the rails. If you have joint accounts for anything, take actions to protect yourself financially cuz she could wipe you out in a matter of days. Also change your locks cuz even if you think nonooo she would never, well..she might.

 

If she's depressed, she just wants to be alone and not have to deal with anyone or anything but the basics of life. She may feel like she's doing you both a favor cuz she can barely go to work or cook a meal, let alone handle a relationship. From what I read life can feel very overwhelming when they're depressed, and just going out for coffee with a friend is like climbing everest. She's managing her life down into the smallest bite size pieces she can stomach.

 

If she's mixed state, I really don't know cuz im still reading about it and it's kinda confusing lol.

 

I feel for ya cuz it's one hell of a roller-coaster ride. All you can do is let her know you're there for her if, and when, she's ready to talk. Protect your finances or valuables she has access too, and hope for the best. Maybe contact a family member of friend of hers and explain that you aren't sure if this breakup is legit, or a bipolar whim, but you'd appreciate if they checked in on her and made sure she's doing ok.

 

For all you know she now has pink hair, 37 piercings and tattoos, is suddenly a lesbian, and they're going to Tibet in a month to feed the birds.

 

I have no idea what my ex has been up to, bit not long before I ended things he was going on about becoming a movie producer and other nonsense. Sheesh.

[Arieswoman]

Guzzard,

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

 

You say;

She experienced over our time together various bouts of depression, mania, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessiveness, etc.

 

Was she having treatment for these symptoms/conditions and did she have a counseller/therapist who she was seeing?

 

Mental health issues are a specialist area and I for one, am reluctant to make suggestions about an area that is foreign to me.. However, it would help if we could know what help she was receiving prior to her radical decision to move out?

[Guzzard]

Was she having treatment for these symptoms/conditions and did she have a counseller/therapist who she was seeing?

 

Mental health issues are a specialist area and I for one, am reluctant to make suggestions about an area that is foreign to me.. However, it would help if we could know what help she was receiving prior to her radical decision to move out?

 

She had treatment via a pdoc and 1500mg of Seroquel for depression in Nov-Dec and stopped both. I believe she may have been hearing voices at the time. She then self treated with yoga, mindfulness, and past learn CBT.

 

As of her leaving point in June... no, she was not on meds and not seeing a doctor.

 

These situations really mess with the mind. Many signs are pointing to bipolar episode with perhaps a combination of her "dad issues". A couple of signs point to her being legitmately unhappy... but this too was due to tensions caused basically by her obsessive attraction to older men.

 

So, I feel like I'm dealing with potentially a host of mental health issues. And unfortunately, for me, it has my own mind in a circle of blaming me and myself ... when everyone else is telling me... look at the facts and the repeated pattern.. it is without a doubt a mental health issue.

 

However, like I said... she is has zero reception for me so nothing I can do seems to even make a dent in her new found life.

[Guzzard]

I'm not sure if she's on her meds, but this another hallmark action..up and taking off. If it's mania, she wants to live it up, party party, basically go off the rails. If you have joint accounts for anything, take actions to protect yourself financially.

 

If she's mixed state, I really don't know cuz im still reading about it and it's kinda confusing lol.

 

I feel for ya cuz it's one hell of a roller-coaster ride. All you can do is let her know you're there for her if, and when, she's ready to talk. Protect your finances or valuables she has access too, and hope for the best. Maybe contact a family member of friend of hers and explain that you aren't sure if this breakup is legit, or a bipolar whim, but you'd appreciate if they checked in on her and made sure she's doing ok.

 

For all you know she now has pink hair, 37 piercings and tattoos, is suddenly a lesbian, and they're going to Tibet in a month to feed the birds.

 

I have no idea what my ex has been up to, bit not long before I ended things he was going on about becoming a movie producer and other nonsense. Sheesh.

 

I don't think it is currently depression. It seems to either be full mania or mixed or rapid cycling. That is, if it is her illness at all which has been difficult for me to answer / question.

 

Finances are separated mostly and papers are filed. I do know that she has done some things like run up her credit card bills in her own name. She also seems to have flipped to a past life... she told me she is going back pack camping alone in the appalacians.... when we first started dating, she had finished back packing alone in the smokies. It gives me an odd feeling to see her right back at that life... not that it is bad, but make me feel like our 10 years was just a manic episode tooo.

[Chin Up]

She loved you, and the whole relationship wasn't a big manic episode. Don't drive yourself nuts wondering if she ended things due to bipolar or cuz she legit wanted to, all that matters is its over and put all that focus back on you.

 

I was really ignorant about bipolar. He told me had it but I thought ok, he gets really happy or really sad. He never acted "crazy" so to speak, and I had zero idea that so many of his behaviors and attitudes were due to bipolar and not being medicated.

 

Google "bipolar wife left me" and read those forums and you will be amazed at how many stories sound like yours. While it doesn't make you feel better about your situation, it will help you feel less alone (and in some cases better cuz some of those stories are doozies!)

 

I couldn't understand why my ex did what he did or why, all I knew was I couldn't take it anymore. He was even happy go lucky about the break up but it seems his feet are starting to skim the treetops and he's due for a hard crash.

 

I love him and miss him so much I feel like my chest will cave in at times, but now that I'm recently more educated on his disorder, I know for certain there'd have to be a hard rule in place if I took him back.

 

Go on your meds and stay on your meds.

 

If your ex comes back, I suggest you expect the same cuz you don't need this stress and heartache, and it gets worse with age, esp if unmedicated.

 

I kinda liked before where I figured my ex was just an immature loser cuz now I feel like I abandoned him, but it's a double edged sword and I could just as easily be where you are and wondering wth happened.

 

Do you have any idea what she's been up to since she left?

[Chin Up]

Oops, double post.

[Guzzard]

She loved you, and the whole relationship wasn't a big manic episode. Don't drive yourself nuts wondering if she ended things due to bipolar or cuz she legit wanted to, all that matters is its over and put all that focus back on you.

 

Google "bipolar wife left me" and read those forums and you will be amazed at how many stories sound like yours. While it doesn't make you feel better about your situation, it will help you feel less alone (and in some cases better cuz some of those stories are doozies!)

 

I love him and miss him so much I feel like my chest will cave in at times, but now that I'm recently more educated on his disorder, I know for certain there'd have to be a hard rule in place if I took him back.

 

Go on your meds and stay on your meds.

 

If your ex comes back, I suggest you expect the same cuz you don't need this stress and heartache, and it gets worse with age, esp if unmedicated.

 

Do you have any idea what she's been up to since she left?

 

Thanks for the reply, that is the state I am trying to stay in. It simply can't be explained because my mind does not work in the same way, so I have to stop explaining it.

 

Yes, I have google and read tons and tons and tons. Much of it help because in many other stories I read the exact same events. In a lot of stories, the outcome is much much worse and that makes me grateful.

 

I really don't see her coming back. Maybe, but my gut says no. I do feel sorry that had I been more aware there were a lot of things we could have done. Also though, I very much realize that unmedicated the episodes cause more brain damage and it gets worse with episodes and age if they continue unmedicated. Her ties to to her hobby and life views I believe mean she would not do meds. So as others have told me, it's going to be a constant cycle of self destruction for her which is sad.

 

I am vaguely aware of what she is up to. Yes, she is out every night. Though she isn't a partier, I suspect a couple of drinks get involved which is even worse for a bipolar. The creepy feeling I have is she has reverted to a life that is an exact mirror to her life when I first met her. I have to just get beyond this too, because it's odd the similarities.

[Mumbles]

Thanks for the reply, that is the state I am trying to stay in. It simply can't be explained because my mind does not work in the same way, so I have to stop explaining it.

 

This.

 

Don't try to rationally explain, in your own mind, what she is doing and how it is that she's mentally able to justify it, its a road to no-where, you might as well try to understand the inner motivations of a Martian.

 

Yes, I have google and read tons and tons and tons. Much of it help because in many other stories I read the exact same events. In a lot of stories, the outcome is much much worse and that makes me grateful.

 

My wife is cluster-b ... not bipolar, different, but common comorbidity means that there are definite threads of similarity in some cases.

 

Research of my own has helped me to come to grips with my situation and I am largely at peace now. I'll never _ever_ get inside the mind of my wife, never ... but understanding the nature of her PD and how its a circular life pattern helped me to emerge from despair.

 

 

I am vaguely aware of what she is up to. Yes, she is out every night. Though she isn't a partier, I suspect a couple of drinks get involved which is even worse for a bipolar. The creepy feeling I have is she has reverted to a life that is an exact mirror to her life when I first met her. I have to just get beyond this too, because it's odd the similarities.

 

Often PD sufferers just go round and round. A severe manic episode drives them back to zero and they build up again from there only to suffer another manic episode and back to square one.

 

This could take months, years even, but no mistake, the cycle will repeat itself.

 

You say that you don't think she will return to you - I'd say that the odds are she will and you should be prepared in your own mind as to how you want to handle that if she does.

[Chin Up]

My guy would go on booze and weed and cocaine benders, and basically just be charlie sheen ...tiger blood winning!!!

 

Then he'd bawl his eyes out over the ozone, abandoned kittens, hole in his sock, anything.

 

I lumped it all up to the booze and drugs cuz like I said, I was country dumb about bipolar. I spent days scouring the Internet for any little clue that might help me crack the code of his bipolar thinking, and had to give up cuz there isn't one. I don't think he even has a clue to his own thinking right now.

 

I was really upset and scared for him when I realized it's his bipolar doing these things, not him, and thinking on the past, when he'd "come back down" it always broke my heart cuz he'd be filled with so much guilt and shame I'd forgive him. Tortured soul.

 

It hurts like hell, but death by a thousand cuts, and some mistakes are built to last, I just can't keep going through it. Boundaries.

 

I know you love and miss her, and are concerned for her, but where do you start and she ends..if that makes sense?

 

If she showed up tonight and begged to come home, would you say yes or no? And there's no wrong answer to that, just curious to where you are in all of this.

[Guzzard]

Don't try to rationally explain, in your own mind, what she is doing and how it is that she's mentally able to justify it, its a road to no-where, you might as well try to understand the inner motivations of a Martian.

 

I am doing my best to stay there. Thanks for the laugh about the martian, how true!

 

Often PD sufferers just go round and round. A severe manic episode drives them back to zero and they build up again from there only to suffer another manic episode and back to square one.This could take months, years even, but no mistake, the cycle will repeat itself.

 

Yes, in hindsight, the repetitive history is present and almost down to an exact timeline and exact series of events. To some degree, we are meeting on divorce paperwork next week and it makes me want to offer up the "hey, you see you are in this cycle right? Do you not want to break the pattern at some point?"... but realistically, in the current state, doing this would be a setback for me likely and I need to get my act together and she needs to deal with her own consequences.

 

You say that you don't think she will return to you - I'd say that the odds are she will and you should be prepared in your own mind as to how you want to handle that if she does.

 

Yes, right now my handling changes minute by minute. There is a point of no return coming for me, I feel it. Once the divorce is finalized there is 150% no return for me. I say I don't expect her return because when stable she can be stubborn and over the past 10 years does not make proper amends for mistakes and is dishonest about them. My rules would be (1) Total honesty, (2) Let me see your cell phone right now (not later, now only), (3) Doctor, and (4) Meds. Knowing her and her intense need for privacy, she will not pass #2 because she either won't do it or there will be too much present there for me to get to #3. I overlooked some of this stuff in the past as "trusting her" but that is gone.

[Mumbles]

she needs to deal with her own consequences.

 

This is the hardest thing for me to deal with personally. I am, inherently, a white knight. When someone I love has serious trouble I want to help ... all in, boots and all, help.

 

But in the type of situation you just can't - you'll destroy yourself and without any measurable impact upon the other persons circumstances. So, unbearably difficult though it is, I have to just let my mrs melt down and implode and take the consequences of that herself.

 

In some ways, I guess, its like dealing with a wayward teenager. You can't control them, you can't honestly really even help them - you can try, but its all lost. All you can really do at the end of the day is provide a warm meal and shelter for the night.

 

In the case of a non blood relative, well, the legitimate case can be made that one doesn't even need to go that far. Choices are made, consequences are forthcoming - its ultimately that simple.

 

Yes, right now my handling changes minute by minute. There is a point of no return coming for me, I feel it. Once the divorce is finalized there is 150% no return for me.

 

You say that, now, and its a legitimate and reasoned response. But be mentally prepared, really, for whats almost certain to be an inevitable return, by her, once her episode resides.

 

 

I say I don't expect her return because when stable she can be stubborn and over the past 10 years does not make proper amends for mistakes and is dishonest about them. My rules would be (1) Total honesty, (2) Let me see your cell phone right now (not later, now only), (3) Doctor, and (4) Meds. Knowing her and her intense need for privacy, she will not pass #2 because she either won't do it or there will be too much present there for me to get to #3. I overlooked some of this stuff in the past as "trusting her" but that is gone.

 

You'll fail on all 4, though maybe not at exactly the same time.

 

What do you actually want to achieve by #1 and #2? Proof of infidelity? Even if you don't know, take it as a given because PD people, generally - and its a spectrum, have extremely weak boundaries around fidelity.

 

#3 & #4, you might succeed for a while, perhaps, but ultimately bi-polars drop their meds and their therapists because the meds make them feel 'weird' and the doctors don't know what they are talking about, or, for paranoids, are trying to abuse them in some way.

 

I comes down to what do _you_ get from any relationship with her? If the answer is nothing, well... theres your answer. If you are getting something from interaction with her, well, thats fine, valid, legitimate, but encase those things in a box and don't let general other life become merged into that box.

[Guzzard]

This is the hardest thing for me to deal with personally. I am, inherently, a white knight. When someone I love has serious trouble I want to help ... all in, boots and all, help.

 

Yes, I am the same and it is what made the first few weeks really make my head spin.

 

But in the type of situation you just can't - you'll destroy yourself and without any measurable impact upon the other persons circumstances. So, unbearably difficult though it is, I have to just let my mrs melt down and implode and take the consequences of that herself.

 

I've come to accept that there is nothing I can do. I am trying to work now on healing myself, but this is my first experience with something like this and it has had a terrible impact on me.

 

You say that, now, and its a legitimate and reasoned response. But be mentally prepared, really, for whats almost certain to be an inevitable return, by her, once her episode resides.

 

She doesn't have a pattern of returning. Her pattern has been complete destruction of the relationship with no return. She says now she is the happiest she's ever been and the circle of friends she has now - while not bad people - they also don't know her history, so they will encourage her to stay on her own... and because of her overall box of issues, I am reasonably sure she will listen to them.

 

What do you actually want to achieve by #1 and #2? Proof of infidelity?

 

No, I would want to know that she has told me the truth. She can be an exceptional actress.

 

I comes down to what do _you_ get from any relationship with her? If the answer is nothing, well... theres your answer. If you are getting something from interaction with her, well, thats fine, valid, legitimate, but encase those things in a box and don't let general other life become merged into that box.

 

Yes, this is a difficult part. I did think may aspects of us together were very very good and there were just a couple of rough pieces that were driven by her "daddy issues".... obsessive attraction to older men... usually taken men. She had not actually physically cheated on me, but to some degree, in her head (not sure if reciprocated in any way) she has had a fantasy connection with an older man and insert herself into his life.

 

All in all, I really really need to focus on my own well being. It's so very hard in these situations to understand what is real and what is bipolar. Though when I type it out in the forums and review with my counsellor, the bipolar was the first thought and there is evidence of the pattern. What stays stuck in my head right now is in the day or two leading up to her leaving she mumbled "feel like my life is on a downward spiral"... so what that because she was leaving me or was that what made the decision to leave me and she also said "I don't want to be a daddy's girl"... so again, did she think she was a daddy's girl with me, trying to please me... or was this a small fight against leaving to live in her fantasy attraction to the older guy. The questions linger and need her all out of my head really.

[Mumbles]

She doesn't have a pattern of returning. Her pattern has been complete destruction of the relationship with no return. She says now she is the happiest she's ever been and the circle of friends she has now - while not bad people - they also don't know her history, so they will encourage her to stay on her own... and because of her overall box of issues, I am reasonably sure she will listen to them.

 

Maybe, but prepare yourself regardless.

 

You may not necessarily be aware of the small detail of previous relationships. Chances are high, generalizing here, that she will at least attempt a return to you - in the past, those doors might have been closed and so she hasn't succeeded.

 

Also be aware, that the new people in her life are all fresh and exciting to her, and they, because they don't know her well will give her the benefit of the doubt - but when fun party girl resides and needy dependent appears, those 'friends' will simply evaporate, as is commonly the case, and this is the danger point for you. You'll get a phone call in the middle of the night because she's sleeping on a park bench somewhere and is in real physical danger.

 

No, I would want to know that she has told me the truth. She can be an exceptional actress.

 

Yes, indeed. Its at least partly because the fantasy world they live in is 'real' to them. From their internal processes point of view none of it is a lie, its all real ... to them.

 

 

All in all, I really really need to focus on my own well being.

 

Honestly, its really all you can actually achieve. Its the tack I have taken with my HPD wife (Histrionic Personality Disorder - a cluster-b disorder closely related to narcissistic PD)

 

 

It's so very hard in these situations to understand what is real and what is bipolar.

 

Assume that ultimately is _all_ bi-polar, just at varying degrees.

 

Though when I type it out in the forums and review with my counsellor, the bipolar was the first thought and there is evidence of the pattern. What stays stuck in my head right now is in the day or two leading up to her leaving she mumbled "feel like my life is on a downward spiral"... so what that because she was leaving me or was that what made the decision to leave me and she also said "I don't want to be a daddy's girl"... so again, did she think she was a daddy's girl with me, trying to please me... or was this a small fight against leaving to live in her fantasy attraction to the older guy. The questions linger and need her all out of my head really.

 

The weeks leading up to my wifes most recent episode where probably the closest and most loving we've ever had in our 5 years together. But its this very fact that 'triggered' her episode.

 

What followed were the worst weeks of our entire relationship, and it really tested my resolve. I am fully focused on myself now.

 

You'll succeed. You will. Your mind is in the right place and you are gaining knowledge and assistance in explaining the unreality of it all via your therapist and your own research. Knowledge truly is power in these cases.

[Guzzard]

Maybe, but prepare yourself regardless.

You may not necessarily be aware of the small detail of previous relationships. Chances are high, generalizing here, that she will at least attempt a return to you - in the past, those doors might have been closed and so she hasn't succeeded.

 

True, at this point I don't think I can handle preparing myself for it so that has to take a back seat to getting my head on straight first. I have been NC from my end and have dropped/blocked on social media. We've talked twice in the past 3-4 weeks and both times about procedural things though I then did engage in small talk. I am trying not to do that next time. The small talk is really the only shred of a door left open. Thanks for the warning, once my mind is healthier for myself, I will have to prepare. My intent by then is to block calls and emails though.

 

Also be aware, that the new people in her life are all fresh and exciting to her, and they, because they don't know her well will give her the benefit of the doubt - but when fun party girl resides and needy dependent appears, those 'friends' will simply evaporate, as is commonly the case, and this is the danger point for you. You'll get a phone call in the middle of the night because she's sleeping on a park bench somewhere and is in real physical danger.

 

It's a weird situation. The people all participate in a shared hobby so they aren't necessarily new people, but she is definitely all about being around them now. They feed her self described daddy issues because this hobby mostly consists of older men. It is a hobby she has had for a long time and she finds it very exciting. Just now she is giving up everything else to do it all the time. Also, in the past years she has been an exceptional actress - she told me she told 2-3 of her close friends about her illness, but otherwise her mantra is keep things surface so noone knows what they are getting into with her. Unfortunately, I think her closest friend feeds into the bipolar condition, meaning, I think I said it above, when my wife told this friend about her attraction to an older man, the friend said "how wonderful it is for you to have feelings of attraction to another man while you are married, that must give you awesome feelings to explore"... which likely fed my wife's obsessions and daddy issues even more.

 

uYes, indeed. Its at least partly because the fantasy world they live in is 'real' to them. From their internal processes point of view none of it is a lie, its all real ... to them. Assume that ultimately is _all_ bi-polar, just at varying degrees.

 

I'm really trying, that's been the toughest part.

 

The weeks leading up to my wifes most recent episode where probably the closest and most loving we've ever had in our 5 years together. But its this very fact that 'triggered' her episode.

 

What followed were the worst weeks of our entire relationship, and it really tested my resolve. I am fully focused on myself now.

 

You'll succeed. You will. Your mind is in the right place and you are gaining knowledge and assistance in explaining the unreality of it all via your therapist and your own research. Knowledge truly is power in these cases.

 

I'm sorry for your situation as well. That sounds very very tough, but I am happy to hear you've been able to get focused on yourself. I appreciate the encouragement. I am trying my best to move on, but its an hourly struggle right now.

[Mumbles]

I'm sorry for your situation as well.

 

Thanks. My situation is mine though, I own it. I could leave and divorce.

 

 

That sounds very very tough, but I am happy to hear you've been able to get focused on yourself. I appreciate the encouragement. I am trying my best to move on, but its an hourly struggle right now.

 

Yes, indeed. Been there. For me, its was knowledge that gave me the 'aha' moment. My Mrs simply isn't ever going to 'get better'. Once I fully understood that and also more fully gained at least some understanding of her condition a lot of my feelings of betrayal (having been lied to continuously) and hurt pride, etc, just evaporated.

 

Again, I did not, and am not, trying to find excuses for bad behaviour - nor am I trying to build an armory of ammunition to use against her later (or now!).

 

What you (we) need is inner peace with the situation we're in. To be able to accept that "it is what it is" and focus on productive things that bring happiness to life. The 'recovery' per se, is really acceptance I think.

 

Edit: Oh, in line with the above, divorce can be like bereavement, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Having been divorced before I know the truth of this. You simply have to work through each stage. I say "simply" but of course none of it is simple ... its hard hard stuff. You will go through all 5 stages and may stick on some longer than others. Its great you are seeing a therapist. I didn't, for my first marriage and I should have, it took me nearly 4 years of angst to recover from that one on my own.

Edited July 19, 2017 by Mumbles

[Guzzard]

Edit: Oh, in line with the above, divorce can be like bereavement, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Having been divorced before I know the truth of this. You simply have to work through each stage. I say "simply" but of course none of it is simple ... its hard hard stuff. You will go through all 5 stages and may stick on some longer than others. Its great you are seeing a therapist. I didn't, for my first marriage and I should have, it took me nearly 4 years of angst to recover from that one on my own.

 

Thanks again, yes, I think I have gone through the cycle but then keep starting it over and I end up each time spending too much time in denial and/or bargaining. My head realizes that mental illness or not, she isn't here and doesn't want to be here and I deserve someone who loves me to stick by my side because I am a very decent guy, but my heart still hasn't released the love and longing.

[Guzzard]

I had to meet with my wife in order to process some of the divorce paperwork. Doing so isn't super healthy for me as it causes me to backslide a little. I let it happen, but after covering the business side of it, she went into small talk about how she is doing and such. Her speech was fast and non-stop for a while. She's talking about doing things that she was doing 10 years ago when we first met, in almost the exact same manner. She is also repeating things... like telling me the same thing that she told me 10 minutes earlier. I would say also word for word she talked about doing one thing that we talked about as a couple a year ago. It was all about her and she was doing and couldn't get a word in edgewise. She did ask how I was and what I was up to and unfortunately, I provided some but limited information. She said thanks for being friendly and we part ways. Is this stuff just about trying to keep an opening with me or manipulate me? I'm not sure why she wants to engage in this type of conversation at this point.

[Chin Up]

This happened to me last night! Pretty much NC since he moved out, just the odd business like texts about retrieving some of his things, then he's in and out when he comes for them, no chit chat or anything.

 

Last night he came to sign his name off the lease and he was acting like he was great friends with all the neighbors (who he had always ignored while living here) wanted to go out to eat so we did, he yapped non stop the whole time and his good mood seemed to be escalating. Brought up good memories he had of the relationship, told me jokes he knew I'd like, said he had downloaded movies for me that he knew I'd like, offered to take me to costco for the seafood specials cuz he knows I like seafood, on and on, very hyper focused on things I like.

 

He seemed a bit delusional about things at times (having a wrong memory about something, or something that never happened) I had no idea wtf was going on and started to worry and contemplate asking him to go see a Dr. In case he was on the verge of going bat *****, but then he calmed down and seemed "normal" again.

 

He dropped me off and grabbed a parcel that came for him. He rubbed my back and said it was great seeing me again, I said yeah you too. Then he wanted a hug good bye, never ending hug and whispered he missed hugging me. Then he says he wants to kiss me and swoops in but I turned my head so it landed on my cheek, which turned into another drawn out hug. Then he said he'd see me Sunday. I asked what's on Sunday and he said he's coming for his scotch set, but in a way that implied we had had this convo about him coming, but we hadn't. Oh, said he was swamped with work right now, but wants to start having a weekly hang-out night cuz we're still best friends (we are??) Couple hours later he texts me about something related to his job, I answer, and he's back to ignoring me again.

 

So like you, I'm sitting here scratching my head and wondering what that was all about.

I was able to determine that he's still heavily drinking and drugging it up, so he may have been "on something".

 

I'm trying to think of what your wife is up to (hate that phrasing cuz it implies there's motives and manipulation) but it does feel like they're up to something, hey?

 

Always a guessing game. If you figure out her motive, let me know cuz it might shed insight into wth my ex is doing. Erratic and unpredictable. I've gone from being chopped liver, to caviar, and back to chopped liver in the span of 4 hours lol

[Guzzard]

So like you, I'm sitting here scratching my head and wondering what that was all about.

 

I'm trying to think of what your wife is up to (hate that phrasing cuz it implies there's motives and manipulation) but it does feel like they're up to something, hey?

 

Always a guessing game. If you figure out her motive, let me know cuz it might shed insight into wth my ex is doing. Erratic and unpredictable. I've gone from being chopped liver, to caviar, and back to chopped liver in the span of 4 hours lol

 

I think what he did to you there was awful and I can understand the confusion. Though I know it is easy to hand out advice and much more difficult to follow it, I'd recommend not partaking in that as much as possible. If it we're me, I'd be in a terrible state after that.

 

My wife hasn't really done any of that or been misleading. Her rapid speech and all about her, her, her, her seems to indicate she is either still in a manic episode or that she was just nervous and still wants to be done. She hasn't given me any indication of reconciliation, so for me I should be saying to myself that .... she isn't knocking on my door, she isn't calling, I deserve someone better, someone who is more stable or at least value me and our marriage more than a walk out. My problem is in her manic mode she is so charismatic and charming that you want more. Meeting with her sets me back to day 1. Plus I don't understand her desire to do business and then discuss how / what each of us is doing. I have to stop letting her pull me into that because all though I think it is meaningless, I don't understand what she is after with that. It's just head games that hurt my health. It makes me feel like she is trying not to close the door completely and that just spins me back to day 1 and I start the process all over. Its a terrible circle that I have to get out of.

Edited July 20, 2017 by Guzzard

[Chin Up]

I'm all good. I've made my peace that I'll never have a healthy and stable relationship with him. His drinking and drugs are what did the most damage, tbh. Sad it had to end up this way, but I'm sick to death of all the bs, heartache and confusion.

 

I wasn't misled or hurt by lastnight. More concerned than anything, but if I said "hey, I think you might manic right now" he'd scream and rant and whatever else, but nothing would be done about it.

 

It was odd to watch though cuz it felt so...put on. hard to explain. He was syaing all these things, but it didn't seem like he was feeling it. I have no idea what the point of it was lol cuz despite all the blahblahblah, he made no convo about wanting to work things out, so I reminded myself "don't telll me what I want to hear, show me what I want to see". Not on meds? Ok..just a bunch of hot air then. He was hunky-dory when he left here, now back to ignoring me. Whatever lol.

 

you'll get too the same place too, with your wife. You'll care, but not lol. I do see what you mean tho, about wondering if what comes out of their mouth is them, or a bunch of smack cuz they're having an episode. Doesn't matter in the end tho, does it? Death by a thousand cuts, broken heart, zero trust.

 

I think you've realized tho, as much as you love and miss her, if she was to come back, it would never be the same. You'd never be the same. It would be worse this go around cuz you'd be paranoid and worrying all the time. "Is she going to leave again?" "who's she texting?" "whyd she say that?" "did she mean that?" on and on. Barf. Way too toxic.

 

I think they have an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality while they're like this. Just a hunch.

[Guzzard]

I'm all good. I've made my peace that I'll never have a healthy and stable relationship with him. His drinking and drugs are what did the most damage, tbh. Sad it had to end up this way, but I'm sick to death of all the bs, heartache and confusion.

 

I am sorry for your situation too, but I am glad to see that you have been able to move on from it.

 

I wasn't misled or hurt by lastnight. More concerned than anything, but if I said "hey, I think you might manic right now" he'd scream and rant and whatever else, but nothing would be done about it.

 

Yes, same here. Although we had "small talk", I doubt she heard me at all. Too busy talking all about her and repeating the same thing a few times. So any mention of mania would have fallen on deaf ears. Plus she indicated liking it in the past.

 

I did spend a number of weeks in serious concern for her. Questioning reality vs bipolar. Know her timing, her past, her last depression being worst ever and with psychosis and even some pychosis possibly the week she left. Being off meds and no pdoc, I was crazy with concern. Ultimately, I had to let that go for my own health. It's her decision and she has been hypo/manic before and not done this (although I believe almost has) and if with her whole ball of issues she thinks self treatment can do it, then there is nothing I can do. I've done all I can at this point. I'm a decent guy and treated her well. Though I do wish I had learned more about all of this earlier and I do still have a worry here and there that untreated she may escalate, but she also wasn't open and honest with me about it all anyway, so no blame to me. Her current situation is one that will feed the mania and I / we had not experienced that before so I don't know how that will play in, perhaps just extend it, but that's on her now.

 

you'll get too the same place too, with your wife. You'll care, but not lol. I do see what you mean tho, about wondering if what comes out of their mouth is them, or a bunch of smack cuz they're having an episode. Doesn't matter in the end tho, does it? Death by a thousand cuts, broken heart, zero trust.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it. She's out every night doing what she wants so it certainly doesn't matter at all to her. I'm hope to keep trying to keep myself occupied and head off it so I can move on better as well. You are right though, I spent a lot of time questions which parts of what she has said and done through the years were real vs lies. I also recognized that she did some mimicking and mirroring with me where she adopted certain things I liked that she normally wouldn't and in hindsight, I do see that she started doing this same mimicking / mirroring with this old guy over the past few months as well. So, in the end, no, you're right... it doesn't really matter because I may well have been the last big manic episode and it was all smoke and mirrors.

 

I think you've realized tho, as much as you love and miss her, if she was to come back, it would never be the same. You'd never be the same. It would be worse this go around cuz you'd be paranoid and worrying all the time. "Is she going to leave again?" "who's she texting?" "whyd she say that?" "did she mean that?" on and on. Barf. Way too toxic.

 

Yes, I mean she was even coherent enough at one point to flat out tell me that she would just keep leaving. At the time, of course, I thought that addressing this together we could fix / stop it. Until I really read up on all the baggage I didn't understand that without meds and pdoc it simply isn't possible and she has to be willing.

 

I think they have an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality while they're like this. Just a hunch.

 

I think this is definitely true. It is vividly clear to me that at least right now she has only one care and one interest in the world - her. Seeing me would take away from that and doesn't provide instant gratification to her so its pointless. Although in the first few weeks I often wondered if she was thinking about what she did, after meeting or talking with her a couple of times, I guarantee she is not... she is only thinking of her self and pleasure. That wouldn't necessarily be bad if she were originally alone... except we were married and supposed to a team with a commitment!

 

I appreciate all the encouragement and help and support via these forums though. Everyone's input has been very helpful and I'm looking forward to days where this stops bringing me down.

[preraph]

You can't make sense of nonsense. Keep your eye on the prize, the goal being to stop caring and feeling you must make sense of it. Glad you're in counseling. Now, exercise a lot to keep the stress from damaging your body and it will relax you. And then be social and go do things and don't allow yourself to focus on or talk about her while doing these things. It's to help get your mind out of the rut.

[Guzzard]

You can't make sense of nonsense. Keep your eye on the prize, the goal being to stop caring and feeling you must make sense of it. Glad you're in counseling. Now, exercise a lot to keep the stress from damaging your body and it will relax you. And then be social and go do things and don't allow yourself to focus on or talk about her while doing these things. It's to help get your mind out of the rut.

 

Thanks! I needed that. My brain knows it, my heart still needs to be able to shut the door all the way. You're right, you can't make sense of it, because to a mind that does not have what she has, it can't possibly be understood.

 

Yes, the counseling helps quite a bit and for anyone in a relationship with someone with mental health problems, I would suggest it ongoing, even if there is no ongoing drama. Maybe not once a week, but I wish since day 1 that I or both my wife and I attended at least monthly or bimonthly counseling to begin with.

 

I have had a lot of trouble finding happiness and joy in social activities. Much of what I like was something my wife either also liked or she was mirroring me and we ended up doing the things together. I am trying to get the social activity up though. It's difficult because everyone else my age is involved in their own family and activities so its hard to have a full schedule. I have joined some social groups, but so far can't really relate to the people.