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how to let go of someone you are "addicted" to


marie25

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Hello LS

 

Long story short, me and my current (ex)bf have had an extremely rough past (lying on his part, serial dumper on mine, lots of lovely stuff).

 

I decided to give things one more shot after about a month break, he seemed to have really matured and changed his perspective on me (seeing me as a respected human rather than just his "girlfriend" - if that makes sense?).

 

He was so much kinder and gentle and patient with me. And he continued that way for the reconciliation. I have never really had a healthy role model of a relationship in my life, so I don't know how it looks on an intimate level, but I started to see a relationship where two people don't fight all the time and instead have healthy communication with each other. And I thought, "hey, is this what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like!!" It was pretty nice. No longer did a relationship consume my life - not with good energy but bad nasty hours-long fights. It was peaceful.

 

Until yesterday. We had our first hugeeeee fight. It wasn't long perse, but it was nasty. It ended in the hinting of a break (I don't even remember who first hinted it), and my ex let the floodgates open basically. He said things so mean that I will likely never forget. I say some pretty disrespectful things in a fight (we are talking FIGHT here), but NEVER personal.

 

He got to a point last night of name calling, insulting my family, telling me about people he wanted to date but then we got back together (one month break). I cut the conversation off abruptly at this point, and have blocked his number.

 

My emotions catch up to me. I start thinking, "when is he going to contact me with an apology, I bet he feels sorry by now for what he did." It's a dance. I let him back into my life as long as he shows sorrow. But then things are likely to be more broken because I will never forget these things he said.

 

I suppose "addiction" isn't the right word, but rather just plain love. But he has had those outrages of verbal abuse basically in the past when there have been bad breakups yet I take him back because I think "well it was all in the heat of the moment of a BREAKUP, and he is a good partner otherwise." But something inside me tells me that's a wrong way of thinking.

 

Thoughts? I don't know where is right and left here haha.

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I suppose "addiction" isn't the right word, but rather just plain love.

 

Addiction is the right word. This is not love. You both aren't attached to one another on a healthy emotional/mental level but through toxic dependence and attachment. Love does not look like what you and your ex have developed.

 

But he has had those outrages of verbal abuse basically in the past when there have been bad breakups yet I take him back because I think "well it was all in the heat of the moment of a BREAKUP, and he is a good partner otherwise." But something inside me tells me that's a wrong way of thinking.

 

A healthy relationships is consistent. It's not abusive one moment and sweet the next. A healthy partner is consistent in how he treats you, not abusive today and otherwise good the next. Volatility is an indication that it's not working. Your last thread stated 20 breakups over the course of your relationship. You have to know deep down this is just not right and will never be.

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Addiction is the right word. This is not love. You both aren't attached to one another on a healthy emotional/mental level but through toxic dependence and attachment. Love does not look like what you and your ex have developed.

 

 

 

A healthy relationships is consistent. It's not abusive one moment and sweet the next. A healthy partner is consistent in how he treats you, not abusive today and otherwise good the next. Volatility is an indication that it's not working. Your last thread stated 20 breakups over the course of your relationship. You have to know deep down this is just not right and will never be.

 

I think your last paragraph was the most helpful to me - I tend to try to justify these instances of verbal attacks because they are rare and only during huge fights but I suppose a healthy relationship would never ever experience them, not even rarely. I know this innately I suppose, I guess not knowing what a healthy relationship is really even like doesn't help matters. Guess that's why these forums are useful! Thanks for the reply.

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I think your last paragraph was the most helpful to me - I tend to try to justify these instances of verbal attacks because they are rare and only during huge fights but I suppose a healthy relationship would never ever experience them, not even rarely. I know this innately I suppose, I guess not knowing what a healthy relationship is really even like doesn't help matters. Guess that's why these forums are useful! Thanks for the reply.

 

I read your other threads. This relationship was riddled with toxicity. I think the verbal attacks is just a piece of it.

 

Keep working on yourself. Please seek counselling. And the best way to get over an addiction is to go cold turkey NC. Block and remove him from everything. The focus is you and your want to foster a healthy mindset. When you do that, you'll be able to have better boundaries and a healthier perspective on relationships/partners.

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I read your other threads. This relationship was riddled with toxicity. I think the verbal attacks is just a piece of it.

 

Keep working on yourself. Please seek counselling. And the best way to get over an addiction is to go cold turkey NC. Block and remove him from everything. The focus is you and your want to foster a healthy mindset. When you do that, you'll be able to have better boundaries and a healthier perspective on relationships/partners.

 

Definitely. I have improved myself in all other aspects of my life - fitness, family, friendships, career and education - yet this one piece of my life has been causing me shame, guilt, and heartache for years. It's time I finally have some lasting peace in my life. Thanks for the replies again :-)

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Well at least l've found someone that's had more break ups than we did.

l don't know about addiction but what's it matter what we call it.

mine was simply about loving our many good sides and her and her many good sides and traits and so hoping and trying to work us out..

but we fell into that trap too because she'd usually crack over something , hurl an insult or 10 , so l'd give her some back and off we'd go.

 

l'm no saint but l do know my faults and work on them continuously for yrs but with her it was def' a personality problem and in the end l did have to except that it was probably just gonna get even worse and , sadly we are no more.

 

our flareups also got more and more frequent and in the end it seemed more and more hopeless.

the odd thing was too that we actually got a long so well mostly ,until something caused a new fight,

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lericenciel

I've been in a relationship like yours before. We broke up 20 times over 5 years. it's tough and unhealthy. You both don't deserve to be continually hurt by each other. Chemistry is there by the timing isn't. Neither are right for each other yet. Break up and end it for good. Something better will come to you. Trust me.

 

Seeing how things should be, twisting that unhealthy relationship to suit you isn't natural. If it's not working, be brave and end it, for you both.

 

Good luck.

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Justyaaveraggurl

Wow, so far it looks like everyone is right on track giving you some good advice. You are right when you called it an addiction. That is very true. Some people are addicted to relationships and addicted to volatile relationships and not even realize it. Not addicted as if it's something you consciously seek out and look for but more on a subconscious level. Theirs a term for that and it's called Co-Dependent. You should check out CODA Co-Dependents anonymous. I think when you read it about it you may find a lot of things that sound familiar. This is a Nationwide organization that over support in the form of 12-step meetings to help people who struggle with ending destructive relationships, recognizing destructive relationships and teaches what and how to recognize healthy ones. Co-Dependency is a real Psychological condition that is recognized by the Psycho Therapy world.

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Wow, so far it looks like everyone is right on track giving you some good advice. You are right when you called it an addiction. That is very true. Some people are addicted to relationships and addicted to volatile relationships and not even realize it. Not addicted as if it's something you consciously seek out and look for but more on a subconscious level. Theirs a term for that and it's called Co-Dependent.

 

I have definitely heard of co-dependency and on the surface, was completely against becoming co-dependent myself, but I think it may have crept in despite my attempts at leading an independent life from my partner. I have learned that codependency has everything to do with emotions and not simply spending all your days with your partner, not having friends, etc. Although that might certainly be someone else's experience of co-dependency.

 

With this break, I find it really easy to see what is the logical path and actually stick to it. I see myself really growing and maturing and not acting on my emotions all the time. I don't think this break will be too difficult to manage, it is nice hearing others advice to let me know I am on the right track. I did my best with the relationship so I won't ever feel guilty about that.

 

Thanks for your reply (and others'). I will be okay :)

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Seeing how things should be, twisting that unhealthy relationship to suit you isn't natural. If it's not working, be brave and end it, for you both.

 

I thought this quote was really good. I put so much energy into making that relationship work. And towards the end, I think we had both finally reached a point of day-to-day equilibrium. But that was after nearly two years of torment for the both of us.

 

We are fairly young, still in school, building our careers. We shouldn't be putting in so much sweat and tears into a relationship - it should be fairly calm and easy from the start.

 

Well, nonetheless I definitely don't regret it - I learned a lot !

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lonelyplanetmoon

Marie25

 

I just posted a response to your post in my thread and just saw your thread. Check out my reply as I did talk about "emotional addiction".

We can get through this and come out on the other side being stronger for it.

 

Life is a hard enough struggle as it is. Don't settle for a relationship that is nothing but a roller coaster of emotions. You deserve to have an emotionally stable relationship where two people can talk about their feelings and learn to compromise. There are certain boundaries you have to set for yourself.

 

Unfortunately when certain lines are crossed, it means death for the relationship because as you said, you cannot forget those things that were said or done. What happens is those underlying issues keep coming back and re-surfacing. Think of that movie Groundhog Day. The painful cycle just keeps looping itself. At some point you just have to get the strength to break the cycle. The only way to do that is to walk away and do NC.

 

The question for most is do you wish to suffer through a long and drawn out death of the relationship? (Eventually it will die). Or do you take action and swiftly end it?

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Marie25

Unfortunately when certain lines are crossed, it means death for the relationship because as you said, you cannot forget those things that were said or done. What happens is those underlying issues keep coming back and re-surfacing. Think of that movie Groundhog Day. The painful cycle just keeps looping itself. At some point you just have to get the strength to break the cycle. The only way to do that is to walk away and do NC.

 

The question for most is do you wish to suffer through a long and drawn out death of the relationship? (Eventually it will die). Or do you take action and swiftly end it?

 

This is the thing that I have really been thinking lately. Big fights happen - hopefully not often, but I could imagine a healthy relationship where *occasionally* there is a large quarrel (some people might disagree and say that there should be ZERO fights but I think its overly optimistic/very lucky). I mean rarely here of course.

 

Anyways, big fights happen. And for the most part, I think that its not insurmountable, you can get over it...unless certain lines were crossed.

 

When my ex started name calling me and disrespecting my family, it was as though he were signing the death certificate to our two year relationship. We were already just testing waters again after a break. Things were somewhat fragile and I wanted this to be the start of a new dawn of healthy relationships in my life. But that outlook of a "new start" with him was basically ruined with that.

 

You can only have so many "new starts" with the same person before it starts to feel like you are having little self-respect and are just going back to the same deal.

 

Honestly, after the big aftermath, I didn't feel angry for what he said. I felt sad. I felt like, "damn, if only you could have been more respectful and not said those things, we could have still had a chance at continuing our nice new start."

 

But I suppose I agree with everyone else, that this relationship was dying anyway. I guess you never know if you are going to be a part of those success stories where two people ended up super happy after a rough start because they learned and grew and etc etc. Sigh. Onward and upward I suppose..

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