Is my counselor right pushing me to do certain things?

[Lovehel]

Hi there, so I have done about 10 sessions of counseling now.

 

I do see some improvement in myself, my extreme negative and self critical thoughts are still very much there, but not as bad. I was bringing up last night how I have always suffered low self esteem, some times lower than others, I would never say I have had a high self esteem.

 

So was telling her how I know that by being with an emotionally abusive person for 6 years, who brought all my insecurities and faults to the forefront and blamed and treated me disgustingly a lot of times, that my view of myself and esteem was trampled on bit by bit over and over again relentlessly. I told her how I am having flashbacks, nightmares. It has been three months since I left. I feel I am annoying her by still bringing it up, and wants me to purely focus on the now.

 

I was saying to her that I want to work on how I feel about myself, and make these changes, so I can live a fulfilled life. I did mention volunteering or doing something where I am helping. I have a lot of reserves about it though, and my negative thoughts always get to me, and stop me in my tracks. Instead of working through these with me, she says I am going to tell you straight, you either do nothing and are here in the same place you are in 20 years, or you do something. It really hit me hard because my abusive ex said the exact same thing with my social anxiety.

 

I am starting to question whether she is the right to say things like this? I am at a very vulnerable point in my life where my social anxiety is very present, it always has been, I just want to be alone most of the time and panic everytime I have to do something out of the house. She says she thinks I am ready to take the next step, and that if I wasn't she would be saying to me "oh you are fine where you are", she seems to be really trying to push me? She says the only way to raise my self esteem is to push myself into places I am scared to go, or I will never get anywhere?

 

maybe she is right and it is what I need?

 

Is my counselor right to be pushing me to get out there and volunteer? I don't feel ready, and am still extremely insecure and suffer panic around people?

Edited May 25, 2017 by Lovehel

[whichwayisup]

Maybe she isn't the right therapist for you. Counselors can push but they should also know when to back off and pay attention to their clients mental health and well being.

 

Encouraging you is one thing, pushing hard is another and it's making you feel worse.

[CC12]

Is my counselor right to be pushing me to get out there and volunteer? I don't feel ready, and am still extremely insecure and suffer panic around people?

 

You should follow your professional counselor's advice above an internet forum full of strangers. If you don't feel a connection with your counselor or you don't feel comfortable talking about certain topics with her, then you should find a new counselor.

 

I'm curious, though, what is stopping you from volunteering? What needs to happen in order for you to feel ready to do that?

[d0nnivain]

Your counselor is a trained professional. We are a bunch of amateurs with keyboards. We have no basis to countermand a counselor.

 

That said, she may not be the right counselor for you. Psychology is not an exact science the way some other parts of medicine are. You have a broken bone you get a cast. You have a heart attack, the open up the blocked arteries.

 

In the sense that you will have to change she is correct. However, how fast you change may be open for debate.

 

My first counselor believed in a particular kind of therapy. He wanted me to talk to a chair pretending the person who hurt me was there. I thought it was stupid but the counselor pressed. Finally I did it. When I was done the counselor gushed, "OMG that was amazing. You poured out so much. You must feel so much better. What a break through." I responded, "That did nothing for me. I said what you wanted to hear so you'd shut up."

 

I got a new counselor shortly thereafter.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hello

I have met some very poor counsellors with some very harsh opinions on my situation . One told me that people aren't bad , I just experienced the **** side of certain people and others saw them in a different way . One told me the abuse I suffered 'wasn't that bad'.My colleagues have also met some highly unprofessional counsellors. Counselling in the U.K. is unregulated . Sounds like she is going in too hard at the moment. This has unsettled you . One thing you can do is be honest with you counsellor , tell her how you feel about that and see how she reacts , tell her you ex told you the same things .

 

If she doesn't alter her counselling to suit your needs, get another counsellor . If you are paying , you are a customer . Therapy can take a long time. You need to be able to trust your counsellor .No one is perfect and people make mistakes. Think it over .

 

Good luck !!

Edited May 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited per FR ~ V

[spiderowl]

I feel that helping you to see you have got more social ability than you currently think you have and encouraging you to do things is a good idea, but bluntly telling you to get on with it seems a bit lacking in understanding. You would be doing this already if you felt ok. I'm not a therapist but denying person's feelings is not part of it.

 

Having said the above, it is surprising what you can do when you have to. I was very scared of going out socially and took the plunge to take my daughter out to music events. Gradually I got to know the regulars there and really felt like it made a huge difference to me. The first few times were difficult and I felt very self-conscious, but in fact there were people there who wanted to get to know me and if I had been warm and friendly it would have happened a lot faster. At the time, I was so self-conscious and nervous I did not feel anyone would want to know me and that they would be viewing me negatively. I was wrong. It could be that the only way you will learn how much you can do socially is to tough it out at first.

Edited May 25, 2017 by spiderowl

[j2415p44]

Few years back, I was shy, timid and with inferiority complex. I avoid interacting with people, I easily get intimidated and I have fear of public speaking. Through reading and hearing inspirational messages, I learned that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. My value is in Him and not on what I do. Thankfully, now, I can talk in public with confidence that God is guiding me.

I’m happy to know that you can see some improvements from your counselling. Counselors are trained to help you to deal with difficult emotions. If you are not comfortable with her anymore, you can try talk to her and tell her about your concerns. I want you to know that you are valuable in the sight of God. Praying for you and thank you for sharing.

[Altair0770]

I've heard that about 2 out of every 10 counselors may be right for you. You being a generic term. That doesn't mean they aren't skilled or professional, it's just some work for the specific patient while others do not.

 

I had a counselor that graduated (it was through a school). My new one (after about 3 sessions) is a lot more strict. My old one was great at listening, but it felt like it was just a place to vent. This new one has opened my eyes to things about myself, but I feel less excited to go to my sessions. I'm deciding to give her more time.

 

If you feel like your therapist isn't making you comfortable, then it may be best to try to find a new one. But as been said, they are trained and professionals at what they do. We are just people with keyboards that only know what you tell us. Trust your best instincts on it.

[mightycpa]

I am going to tell you straight, you either do nothing and are here in the same place you are in 20 years, or you do something. It really hit me hard because my abusive ex said the exact same thing with my social anxiety.

Two things about this strike me.

 

First, your counselor is exactly right. I don't know how old you are, but you've had years to screw up your courage to go do some minor little thing, and sitting in a counselor's office, talking one-on-one doesn't count.

 

Second, maybe your ex wasn't so abusive. Maybe he was telling you like it is too, and you refused to listen, just as you're refusing to listen to your counselor now. If he cared for you, and pushed you to do what you never really want to do, maybe got frustrated with you, maybe you saw this as abuse because he could not grasp the extent of your fragility. I could be wrong, I don't know your story, but abusive people don't tend to give good advice, or to encourage their SO's to get out more. Quite the opposite.

[Kamille]

I recommend telling your counsellor how that conversation made you feel. You two can work from there.

 

Mine focused on helping me assert myself and trained me to speak to her when I felt avoidant.

[preraph]

Yes, of course your counselor is right. You are living proof that not pushing your comfort envelope gets you nowhere. You have to change to change. It's that simple. You can't sit static and expect the divine hand of God to reach down and touch you and heal you. You have to work at it. You have to get out of your comfort zone. What she is doing is behavior modification to work on your anxiety, so you won't be paralyzed the rest of your life. Take a leap of faith and do what she says. You will feel better for it.

[smackie9]

If your counselor let you sit there spinning your wheels about the past, all she would be doing is enabling your anxiety and making it worse. If you don't have her pushing you, you would be wasting your money and be going nowhere. It's called exposure therapy and it's better than drug therapy. All she is proving to you is that going out and doing things isn't going to kill you or destroy you. The discomfort will subside because you will say to yourself "Hey this isn't so bad, nothing bad is going to happen". You are retraining your brain. I recommend DR. Amen's Change Your Brain, Change Your Life on video or book. He has some other great books on anxiety, and PTSD, etc. I have watched some of his videos and they are wonderful IMO, very helpful and inspiring.

[Trustyourgut]

Hi there, so I have done about 10 sessions of counseling now.

 

I do see some improvement in myself, my extreme negative and self critical thoughts are still very much there, but not as bad. I was bringing up last night how I have always suffered low self esteem, some times lower than others, I would never say I have had a high self esteem.

 

So was telling her how I know that by being with an emotionally abusive person for 6 years, who brought all my insecurities and faults to the forefront and blamed and treated me disgustingly a lot of times, that my view of myself and esteem was trampled on bit by bit over and over again relentlessly. I told her how I am having flashbacks, nightmares. It has been three months since I left. I feel I am annoying her by still bringing it up, and wants me to purely focus on the now.

 

I was saying to her that I want to work on how I feel about myself, and make these changes, so I can live a fulfilled life. I did mention volunteering or doing something where I am helping. I have a lot of reserves about it though, and my negative thoughts always get to me, and stop me in my tracks. Instead of working through these with me, she says I am going to tell you straight, you either do nothing and are here in the same place you are in 20 years, or you do something. It really hit me hard because my abusive ex said the exact same thing with my social anxiety.

 

I am starting to question whether she is the right to say things like this? I am at a very vulnerable point in my life where my social anxiety is very present, it always has been, I just want to be alone most of the time and panic everytime I have to do something out of the house. She says she thinks I am ready to take the next step, and that if I wasn't she would be saying to me "oh you are fine where you are", she seems to be really trying to push me? She says the only way to raise my self esteem is to push myself into places I am scared to go, or I will never get anywhere?

 

maybe she is right and it is what I need?

 

Is my counselor right to be pushing me to get out there and volunteer? I don't feel ready, and am still extremely insecure and suffer panic around people?

 

 

 

Hello,

 

I work as a therapist (I work with rape victims), so please feel free to see if this resonates with you.

 

One thing I was told by therapists, and what I tell my clients is to trust your gut feeling. If you don't feel like something is right, often something is up. For me, my gut feeling about certain therapists was right. If I ever felt like i had to ask someone about what my therapist is doing, I already knew my answer. Sure, people online can tell you to keep working with a counselor-but they don't know the whole story. Only you will know if they are truly right for you.

 

Therapists are human. Not al therapists know everything, and not all therapists are good at their job. It's possible that your therapist's approach doesn't work for you, but may work for other clients of hers. Some clients, who have been abused, don't do well with a confrontational approach. There's a more gentle way to give feedback. I personally use an honest and empathetic style, because clients can be sensitive. I have clients complain about having bad and ineffective therapists.

 

One thing you can do is let your counselor know how you feel. Depending on how she responds, go from there. A healthy therapeutic relationship is where you can be honest and give feedback to the therapist. I think a good therapist will acknowledge what they did. If she doesn't take the feedback well, then maybe it's time to find a new counselor.

 

It's totally okay for clients to try out a few therapists and see who is the best fit. The most progress can be made when the therapist is right for you.

[Trustyourgut]

Your counselor is a trained professional. We are a bunch of amateurs with keyboards. We have no basis to countermand a counselor.

 

That said, she may not be the right counselor for you. Psychology is not an exact science the way some other parts of medicine are. You have a broken bone you get a cast. You have a heart attack, the open up the blocked arteries.

 

In the sense that you will have to change she is correct. However, how fast you change may be open for debate.

 

My first counselor believed in a particular kind of therapy. He wanted me to talk to a chair pretending the person who hurt me was there. I thought it was stupid but the counselor pressed. Finally I did it. When I was done the counselor gushed, "OMG that was amazing. You poured out so much. You must feel so much better. What a break through." I respondd, "That did nothing for me. I said what you wanted to hear so you'd shut up."

 

I got a new counselor shortly thereafter.

 

 

 

I get what you're saying, but just because someone has training doesn't necessarily mean that they are effective. Believe it or not, I have seen some online posters give better advice than some of the therapists I know. The therapy field has good and bad apples. I have met some therapist colleagues, who said some strange things or weren't educated on certain things.

 

Since the client is a consumer of therapy, I think the client has the right to make her own decisions. If a client wants to reject my advice or doesn't feel right working with me anymore, I will accept it. I am very client-centered, where I don't believe in pushing things on client's. I can make suggestions, but I let clients know that they can agree or disagree with my feedback. It's their life at the end of the day.

[smackie9]

I agree not all therapists are the same...success is measured in the progress. BUT success can't happen if the patient doesn't make an effort....a therapist is not a magic pill but a tool. Just like physio therapy...if you don't do the exercises you won't get better.