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The Truth About Coping


SixxChick

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So many good women have dealt with the wrong man and so many good men have dealt with the wrong woman that, by the time you two finally meet, you're BOTH afraid of each other.

 

Discuss.

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Ahhh , nice to see a 2 sided coin acknowledging this stuff does actual go both ways and for guys too.

 

And the last bit, ya nailed it again, it's pretty sad really isn't it.

And everyone seems so filled with internet mind pollution to and even more messed up, even the kids. Hate to think about 20yrs time, really do.

 

l worry so much that my gf, - was , will only go on to continue sabotaging herself , l really hope l'm wrong , l want good for her.

l had no choice, she was just too messed up. But that just basically confirmed her fears and guards even more.

 

l'd like to get married again, or settle down with someone at least, but sometimes l wonder if it's even possible to find someone now where everything's good , and that they'll be able to let go of their pasts enough to build something new.

l know it's hard and l know so many of us all have had some horrible sh@t , but the thing is , if we don't let it go , well !

Edited by Chilli
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BluesPower

This happens a lot to a lot of people...

 

I'm damaged, my new GF is damaged, but somehow we fit together.

 

I am really happy for the first time in a while. I spent my time running around an it gets old after a period of time.

 

Then you have the crazy Ex wife's and GF's and that get older quicker.

 

I did warn her that all of the women I have been married to or dated have eventually gone crazy so I figure it has to be my fault somehow.

 

She said she is not scared. This one could actually be the last one for me.

 

I guess time will tell...

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Frostedflake

I respect anyone who can tell me, "Ey, I've been through some stuff. I've spent a lot of time since then working on myself and am confident I'm ready to date again. But I do still have these small edges and fears. I'll communicate them best I can and keep that door open". And because I expect that, I'm also willing to give it back.

 

It's about not letting the old hurts remove new opportunities.

We've all been hurt. We've got triggers. Communicate them. And most importantly, be reasonable. Know that the next person may still not be the one but they are one closer. You're not allowd to cookie cut some random just because you know what you need and want now. And they don't have to form to you and vice versa just because you both know pain and disappointment. Stay genuine, stay true.

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but sometimes l wonder if it's even possible to find someone now where everything's good , and that they'll be able to let go of their pasts enough to build something new.

l know it's hard and l know so many of us all have had some horrible sh@t , but the thing is , if we don't let it go , well !

 

Nailed it. We don't have a lot of time left on this planet. Why can't we make it all work?

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Good topic.

 

I don't know how I feel anymore. All I can say is, my ex had a lot of past issues. she cried about this, and that, horrible men, etc. so much built up anger and sadness. Yet, she seemed ok. confusing. I fought and fought and fought. Just to prove I wasn't like the other men. Then I get canned. If you will walk a thousand miles just to touch, kiss, and hold your partner and they wouldnt do the same, that hurts just as much as not being chosen. Dumped. It all hurts

 

I honestly don't have the energy anymore. I really don't. Its not in me. I honestly feel I will not get married, find someone else, or even start to date again. I hate it. I am disgusted by it as a matter of fact. Problem is, because of what happened, if I dont get that wow factor when we first meet, that connection, that OMG feeling, I can't do it.

 

I know this is not good advice. But for me guys, im done. I don't want it anymore.

Edited by sorano
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This happens a lot to a lot of people...

 

I'm damaged, my new GF is damaged, but somehow we fit together.

 

I am really happy for the first time in a while. I spent my time running around an it gets old after a period of time.

 

Then you have the crazy Ex wife's and GF's and that get older quicker.

 

I did warn her that all of the women I have been married to or dated have eventually gone crazy so I figure it has to be my fault somehow.

 

She said she is not scared. This one could actually be the last one for me.

 

I guess time will tell...

 

 

Good for you blues and thanks for the story it's really encouraging, sounds like a keeper to me man and good luck eh.

 

And see this is what l hope for and l don't really see why we can't be there for each other, get through our stuff together , that's what couples do , right.

l don't mind one bit if she's got stuff , hell she's gonna have stuff ,so am l.

Sadly for gf , l tried , 14mths, really hard , but so many trust things that turned into personality things and then at me things.

Sometimes she was just beautiful , about my sh@t and hers , sometimes we did get it right, but then she'd lose her way and get all messed up.

lf only.

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Good topic.

 

I don't know how I feel anymore. All I can say is, my ex had a lot of past issues. she cried about this, and that, horrible men, etc. so much built up anger and sadness. Yet, she seemed ok. confusing. I fought and fought and fought. Just to prove I wasn't like the other men. Then I get canned. If you will walk a thousand miles just to touch, kiss, and hold your partner and they wouldnt do the same, that hurts just as much as not being chosen. Dumped. It all hurts

 

I honestly don't have the energy anymore. I really don't. Its not in me. I honestly feel I will not get married, find someone else, or even start to date again. I hate it. I am disgusted by it as a matter of fact. Problem is, because of what happened, if I dont get that wow factor when we first meet, that connection, that OMG feeling, I can't do it.

 

I know this is not good advice. But for me guys, im done. I don't want it anymore.

 

I could have written this. I recently joined a new church. Many of my new friends are wondering why I am still single. I cut them off at the pass and tell them that is not why I am here. Interestingly enough, I have made friends with a few single women who think this way too. It's just too dangerous out there at this stage of my life, and I am content to rejoice in the relationships of my friends that actually work. This last break-up took everything I had. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, etc. But it has given me a weird strength to the point where I know what I want, and what I don't want. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, nor do I want mine diminished. It might sound cold, but why lead someone on? I've taken on a few new hobbies since my break-up, in addition to those I already had, so my time is valuable and I ration it accordingly. I can't believe I am still on this site. But before I beat myself up about that, I take a few steps back and realize how much it, and it's members, have helped me. I am so grateful for that.

 

Strength and honor.

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l think l'll go back to cruizing . Doing my stuff, and renovating my house, trying to get out a bit , just to get out a bit l mean, not about meeting somebody.

Started another thread about life right now , but right now , l feel like just letting the cards fall where they may and live and let live and to hell with it all.

 

dunno how that'll go ,l'm so use to stress about all kinds of sh2t , but , that's the plan for now.

Edited by Chilli
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l think l'll go back to cruizing . Doing my stuff, and renovating my house, trying to get out a bit , just to get out a bit l mean, not about meeting somebody.

Started another thread about life right now , but right now , l feel like just letting the cards fall where they may and live and let live and to hell with it all.

 

dunno how that'll go ,l'm so use to stress about all kinds of sh2t , but , that's the plan for now.

 

I like this. But be careful. Sometimes when you let your guard down, someone can fall into you life. Hopefully, in a good way. But you never know. Thanks for stopping in. I wish you well in your healing. And, good luck with the renovation! Always good therapy right there.

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It's a boundaries issue. Appropriate boundaries are an absolute must. And it's a very personal thing – completely different for each person. It can only be found through trial and error.

 

You let the “right ones” in, and keep the “wrong ones” out. How to define it though?

 

There isn't really right and wrong, imo. I find moralistic arguments to be so rudimentary in this scene. They don't hold up to any sort of vigorous testing (and I have tested more than except the very top 5% of men).

 

Value is everything. And taking people for their actual worth, rather than projecting our own bias, is really the crux.

 

So... you find the good in people, and then you tap it. It's a weird mix of having the ability to be Machiavelli, but choosing instead to be Buddha.

 

As the Marquis De Sade once said, “in order to know real virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice”.

 

I'm at the point now where I accept positivity. If a woman is bringing negativity into my life, or I can't bring out the good through reframes, she can get lost. These types have so little worth to me. Life's too short.

 

Naturally, my standards are extremely high in some senses now (not necessarily meeting the general, boring standards, which I find no inspiration in). I expect the best version of people. And I find that people meet the standard often – it's a perfectly reasonable expectation. I just needed to actually know what to look for, before I went about finding it around me in the world lol.

 

There was a phrase I once read by a wise PUA that said “always leave women better than you find them”, and I didn't understand that for a long time.

 

It's not about validation, or sex, or whatever. It's about us all becoming better human beings together.

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I could have written this. I recently joined a new church. Many of my new friends are wondering why I am still single. I cut them off at the pass and tell them that is not why I am here. Interestingly enough, I have made friends with a few single women who think this way too. It's just too dangerous out there at this stage of my life, and I am content to rejoice in the relationships of my friends that actually work. This last break-up took everything I had. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, financially, etc. But it has given me a weird strength to the point where I know what I want, and what I don't want. I'm not here to waste anyone's time, nor do I want mine diminished. It might sound cold, but why lead someone on? I've taken on a few new hobbies since my break-up, in addition to those I already had, so my time is valuable and I ration it accordingly. I can't believe I am still on this site. But before I beat myself up about that, I take a few steps back and realize how much it, and it's members, have helped me. I am so grateful for that.

 

Strength and honor.

 

we are on the same page. This last girl, literally took everything out of me. I gave it my all. If I put the same effort in other things, who knows what I would have become lol. Maybe a millionaire haha. But it really did beat me up.

 

I was at my cousins conformation party last week and some family members who haven't seen me in a while asked what happened to my ex. I said I really cant go into detail or else ill get mad and it will take a day to explain. But, while I was talking to all these people, They told me that they know guys, who do NOT want to get married or have a gf anymore. Like they gave up. I have no idea what is going on in this world. But they told me, like me, they know guys who got crucified by women and they no longer have the DESIRE TO DATE or get married. Its done. Now of course, it goes both ways. WOMEN TOO. But because they were talking to me, they just used men as an example. Men are ****ty as well.

 

Its not just us. There are so many men and women that have been destroyed. will it go away? will we find love again? will we start to date and feel happy???? I have no idea! Part of me wants to believe it. Part of me wants to say yes to all, because we will move on and heal. But do we all heal? Do we all get back to 100% ? I have no idea.

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oh man,100%, couldn't imagine ever being that again but l'd be pretty happy with 50 or 60 right now.

love the thing of leaving him or her better than you found them but on man , wish that was possible hey.

Wish l did, could have.

 

lota guys l've met or someone tells me about it isn't so much that they just enjoy their freedom too much and can't be bothered with the hassle .

Seems like a lota women too these days.

Edited by Chilli
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Altair0770

The thing is, in the honeymoon stage we think we find the right one, that's why it progresses.

 

Then, often times too late, we realize we're in love with abuse just to get back to that honeymoon feeling. Sometimes our "partners" would rather find it in someone else.

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johngalt1149

Married twice, once 7 years...once 30 years. Date a lot but not happy, though just last night met someone new that might be worth pursuing. 4th new date this week and scheduled for an old flame tonight and another tomorrow that would be date #4 with her. It is tiring and cumbersome and damn expensive. I doubt I'll ever be married again and I still long to know what my ex wife and kids are doing since she isolated me. I don't like being alone and haven't learned yet how to do it, but marriage? No more. Too vulnerable, too expensive in real estate in my mind.

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we are on the same page. This last girl, literally took everything out of me. I gave it my all. If I put the same effort in other things, who knows what I would have become lol. Maybe a millionaire haha. But it really did beat me up.

 

I was at my cousins conformation party last week and some family members who haven't seen me in a while asked what happened to my ex. I said I really cant go into detail or else ill get mad and it will take a day to explain. But, while I was talking to all these people, They told me that they know guys, who do NOT want to get married or have a gf anymore. Like they gave up. I have no idea what is going on in this world. But they told me, like me, they know guys who got crucified by women and they no longer have the DESIRE TO DATE or get married. Its done. Now of course, it goes both ways. WOMEN TOO. But because they were talking to me, they just used men as an example. Men are ****ty as well.

 

Its not just us. There are so many men and women that have been destroyed. will it go away? will we find love again? will we start to date and feel happy???? I have no idea! Part of me wants to believe it. Part of me wants to say yes to all, because we will move on and heal. But do we all heal? Do we all get back to 100% ? I have no idea.

 

I'm amazed the impact one person can have over the rest of your life. I'm almost at a year since the initial breakup after 7 years (the final was 3 months later) and I still think about her everyday.

 

What keeps me going is I refuse to let her prevent me from finding happiness. Dating sucks and is tiresome and expensive when you just want to find one girl who has all the qualities you desire, but I keep pushing.

 

I am not going to let my ex change me forever. I know one day I won't feel the pain but I know I'll never forget it. Nothing says FU like being in a better RL.

 

Along the way I've improved myself and have become a better person. I'm a lot less trusting of women but a lot smarter as well.

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bluefeather
by the time you two finally meet, you're BOTH afraid of each other.

 

Nope! I'm not afraid. And I have been through some really fudged up *****! :lmao: I do, however, go in with a certain amount of "awareness" - A lot more awareness than I used to have. And by awareness, I mean that I know of certain red flags to look out for, and I know certain boundaries that I have and now respect. And I know that if she ends up wanting to not be around, hey, I gotta let her go do her thing. I am very excited for the next woman I get into a relationship with, because I will be able to love her even more than I have loved another - but that is because I have learned to love myself more than I ever have! But right now, I desire to become a better man. I recognize things in my life that I wish to improve before involving another. That doesn't stop me from saying hello to a pretty girl, though ;P

 

So yeah, not afraid. Excited :love:

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WorstFeelingEver

I am happy for you bluefeather.. Sounds like you are ready & excited to try again. You said you have been through a lot of crap. How did you get over it or realized now is the time to get back out there again?

 

After 22 years with my W, she through in the towel in March, wants a D, no reconcile, not wanting to try to repair, not even marriage counseling, and to this day, I am still not over it. I don't see myself moving forward, even 5 years from now.

 

I think most can agree with the OP about, when you are ready to meet the right one, you will always have in the back of your mind, "what if this happens again?"

 

I have to agree with "SevenCity", I'm a lot less trusting of women right now, BUT will need to learn the "lot smarter as well" part.

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bluefeather
I am happy for you bluefeather.. Sounds like you are ready & excited to try again. You said you have been through a lot of crap. How did you get over it or realized now is the time to get back out there again?

 

Thanks! I am excited, but am not ready yet and don't want a relationship right now. Though that could change in an instant if the moment occurs. :) And yes, I have been through a lot of crap. I can't tell you how I got over it. It's not simple enough for me to type in a single response, and I'm still not over all of it. And that is one reason I am choosing to continue to work on myself instead of pursuing a relationship, which is what I sometimes advise people here to do. My gaps between relationships have been very short. As soon as I'd be out of one, some other girl would swoop me up, or at least that's how it was for most of my life until recently. It actually feels pretty good being single. Now I can think. Now I can heal.

 

I can admit to myself that I have certain amounts of baggage. But really, who does not? Who out here can say with complete honesty, "I have not been damaged by someone, and if I have, I do not carry some of that pain with me." If you have never been hurt, then you probably haven't lived much. And if you do not carry some amount of pain with you, you just might be a psychopath. The important thing is not whether or not someone has baggage, it's how much of it they carry, and how much of it they attempt to have others carry for them. I think this is a mistake many people make when they enter a new relationship - they force the burden of bottled up pain onto the other person, without even realizing it. I am trying really hard to make any baggage lighter - or should I say, to give "light," to any emotional trauma that I may have experienced in the past, so that I will be the best possible version of myself for the next woman I find... who finds me. Who sees who I am inside - a human being who is going through life just as she, and wishes to love and be loved just as she.

 

I can't tell you the easy way out, because 1: I don't have one, and 2: I'm not even all the way out. I can say that it involves a lot of serious introspection, research on the psychology of relationships as well as on mental disorders (personally to deal with abuse that I allowed as well as subconsciously looked for), trying to be healthier with diet and exercise, and spirituality. If spirituality is not your thing, then maybe thinking about the vastness of space and just trying to realize how crazy-big this universe is. There is so much to it because things that mess with the psyche are not things that I can cure with a pill, though some pills can probably help. It's more a journey, and it's long, and there are twists and turns and you get flat tires. I have to learn as I go, and as often as I can, be thankful for the experience, because I'm still on this planet, and as hard as I have had it, there are others who've had worse.. much worse. And also, I try to forgive those who hurt me, because they are learning too. That's a very hard thing to do when the damage is extensive, but as I said, learn as you go. And most of all, love yourself!

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