Anyone 1+ years post breakup and still struggling? Share your thoughts here

[SadEgg]

Im curious to hear the thoughts and stories of anyone who is still struggling after one or more years post breakup. What's going on that keeps us from moving on and healing...?

 

Do we share any similarities in our personalities, coping strategies, etc that might be keeping us from letting go...

 

Also, I would love to hear from anyone that had a long 1+ year struggle after a breakup but now feels better. Did you eventually change something you were doing or try something different?

 

My breakup was a little over one year ago. Im still really struggling and my family doesnt think its normal anymore - that I should have gotten over it already.

[Earlybird2016]

Im curious to hear the thoughts and stories of anyone who is still struggling after one or more years post breakup. What's going on that keeps us from moving on and healing...?

 

Do we share any similarities in our personalities, coping strategies, etc that might be keeping us from letting go...

 

Also, I would love to hear from anyone that had a long 1+ year struggle after a breakup but now feels better. Did you eventually change something you were doing or try something different?

 

My breakup was a little over one year ago. Im still really struggling and my family doesnt think its normal anymore - that I should have gotten over it already.

 

Hi! First of all, with respect to your family, I don't think there's a "normal" amount to grieve or get over things. It's about what feels right for you.

 

That said, there ARE coping strategies, though frankly it's something of a lottery as to whether or not they work.

 

In my experience, NC definitely didn't help. It's good for maintaining your dignity post break up, which ultimately will reinforce self-esteem, but as a recovery tool it was useless. It's voluntary blindness, burying your head in the sand to avoid confronting the loss. Out of sight (or contact) does NOT equal out of mind (or heart).

 

I'm about 15 months post breakup, and overall much worse. I've done pretty much everything recommended. Self-improvement, therapy, the pros and cons list, whatever.

 

I won't date ever again, because no one will match her qualities/flaws, and ultimately I don't enjoy living now because everything is perceptually diminished because she isn't in my life.

 

I suppose there are some people we love enough that their loss never stops hurting, and all we can do is wait.

 

Interesting thread tho, and I hope you get some answers ?

[Altair0770]

Honestly the thing that helps get me over a loss that I struggled with is finding someone better. They are out there, all you have to do is try and stop comparing them.

 

I dated a narcissist. Meaning the person I fell in love with was all an illusion and manipulation tactic to make a person with poor self-esteem feel good until I no longer provided that, and was devalued and discarded and went through hell. I'm told it takes extra long to recover from that. I'm 7 months post-breakup. 3 months since I implemented cold hard NC (removing her from my life). It has gotten easier, but it will take awhile to heal. Some days I feel like I'm going to just say "screw it" and go on a rampage and punch a wall. Other days it's "meh, this other girl is good looking and kind".

 

My advice? Get out there and meet someone new. Don't jump into a relationship to rebound, just find someone new to help make you realize there are better people out there.

[PLT]

MY break up was 14 months or 8 months ago, depending on your perspective. Only 2 months or so hardcore NC. It's as though the break up itself lasted for a year.

 

The whole of 2016 was pretty much a write off for me, and I still struggle with it daily. Like Altair, some days I have anger, other days I'm more pragmatic. My life is much calmer and less stressful in many ways now. I don't have constant criticisms, apart from those coming from my own head. I don't have a person trying to make me insecure. I don't have a person looking for my ulterior motive all the time, when there was and is none. I don't have to justify every little thing I do or think anymore.

 

I'm certainly much better than I was a few months ago, where I was barely functioning, but I feel as though the journey to recovery is only just beginning really. The only way I got through the worst of it, was day by day. Try to stay in the present. Focus on today.

 

I have moments every day when I long for her back in my life, but these pass quicker than before when I force myself to remember the reality of life with her. I have times every few weeks when I make a little effort to date again. I've tried OLD and speed dating, but I usually get discouraged quite quickly. I'm maybe attracted to 1% of the profiles on OLD, I send a message and a reply rarely comes, and even when it does, the conversation fizzles out pretty quickly as the few I have spoken to don't really have anything to say, don't ask any questions, and I quickly get fed up of doing all the work.

 

The way I still cope is day by day. Some days are worse than others. I usually think of her first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, when my mind isn't occupied with anything else. This is really starting to get to me and I think I will end up back in therapy soon if it doesn't stop. It can easily ruin the entire day, although I try never hard to not let it.

 

What is so hard is that when we were good, she was perfect for me. I mean 100% perfect. Unfortunately, once the wheels started coming off it was already a foregone conclusion, due to her not being willing to work at it, and expected me to be the only one to make changes. I think this is why it dragged out for so long. I was under the illusion that if I changed my approach, she would too and we would find ways to compromise. It never happened. In fact it just got worse and worse. I was always peacemaker. I was always backing down. I was always the one apologizing, even if she was in the wrong.

 

People have told me that shes a narcissist, or probably has BPD or another severe disorder. She does show many of the signs, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore. All I know is that I still love her, even though I know I'm ultimately better off without her in my life. That's hard to deal with. I can't imagine finding anyone I have such strong feelings for again, which saddens me.

 

It's relatively easy to find someone else in your 20s, or even 30s. In your 40s it appears to get much tougher. I really dislike the current trend at my age group that people are proud to be sarcastic. I just cannot get my head around that. I'm 45. I'm not interested in putting others down with a thin veil of humour for my own enjoyment.

 

Apologies for rambling. My train of thought went off on a ride there. So yes, I still find it hard, and every day brings a struggle, but somehow I'm getting there by trying to focus on other things. As the saying goes, when you are going through hell, just keep going.

[Gillys]

I'm a little over 1 year post break up, coming on 6 months NC and I wouldn't consider myself fully "moved on" or "over it" yet. My ex was my first love and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely over it. I continue to have good days and bad days but nothing compared to the first few months of pain I had closer to the breakup (basically I no longer cry everyday).

 

I think what is keeping me from moving on is how my relationship ended and how my ex changed so much post break up, treated me so cruelly in front of our mutual friends and belittled me. However, I can also now see those are the exact things that will keep me from ever taking my ex back (if hell froze ever and she could see how good of a person I really am and I'm worth the fight with our families). Although I don't want someone back who can't see my good and treated me so cruelly at the end, I still feel tethered to those loving feelings I had for the person I was once in love with, that person no longer exists though. I know when I feel ready to date my feelings will fade more but until then I will continue to resists contact and care about myself more than her (ironically it's the same advice my ex's best friend kept trying to pound in my head right after my ex left ha)

[sorano]

15 months for me. I am doing way better. started to feel like myself again. But these past few days, have not been good. Am I 100%? no. I am not all there.

 

I don;t think there is a set time to when you start to feel better. everyone is dfferent.

[SadEgg]

Thank you everyone for sharing.

 

Earlybird2016: Most of what you said is exactly how I feel.

The typical 'coping strategies' (NC, therapy, keeping busy, self improvement) havent helped me much either. Thats what im trying to figure out - if maybe it's my personality type or that normal doesnt work for me and I need to come up with new strategies...or kinda like you said - that my ex is just going to always be someone I love and that the pain I feel is never really going to go away.

 

As pathetic as this sounds, Im like one of those dogs that will sit and wait for years on a street corner for their owner/friend to come back to them...even though they are never coming back.

 

So, yeah, I think some of it is my personality type...

 

Also, I am not generally interested in people. It takes me years to find someone I feel comfortable letting in. I dont like dating. I dont want to go out and find other people. The thought of dating or having to find someone new makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.

 

So Altair, dating/finding someone new is clearly not a strategy Im ready to utilize. I can see how it would be very helpful though. I wish it was something I could do. ...Maybe someday.

 

PLT and Gillys: You both brought up another thing I also struggle with... the fact that things were great up until he, out of nowhere, decided he was done. My memories are all good. So, its hard to move on when my brain doesnt have any information to convince it that im better off without him. One ten minute conversation of him saying "im not that into you" comes off false when compared to his words and actions for well over three years. I have to believe 10 minutes over three years??? yes, apparently I do.

Edited May 3, 2017 by SadEgg

[Earlybird2016]

SadEgg - I'm sure that personality plays a part, but ... personally, I've always been very focused and driven, not given to looking back. I've always had a balanced view of past relationships, and I think that realistic viewpoint is what makes this so tricky. I'm also trying to reconcile her cold behaviour at the breakup (she ghosted me for someone else, they moved in together after five months, got engaged after maybe twelve) with the person I knew and loved for ten years. Pedestals aside, she was great in every way as a friend and a partner.

 

So realistically, I'll never find anyone again with those qualities (different is easy, better is impossible), and that's scary, knowing that I'll never have a family, or sleep with anyone, or even hold hands with someone ever again.

[Chilli]

Being this way , having that depth, being a person of quality, is something to be proud off.

l would want any women of mine to be that way and l respect the hell out of it in this one bed to the other date date date date shallow world we live in these days.

[BG1]

Whatever she thinks of you doesn't define you. To me, it helps to think about how I was before meeting her. Fortunately, I was happy, independent, outgoing and confident. I still have personal work to do to get there because this relationship left me consumed and how she deal with the last 2 months and break up got to my core.

 

Find reasons to be proud of yourself, have a journal, be thankful for what you have. Family, friends ( I know people who have no family and I can't imagine how hard that can be). Focus on the short and put small objectives and give yourself small gifts.

Think that you need to stand for yourself, after all, we are all alone (even when in a relationship).

 

Find a way to overcome it, maybe first you need to know yourself better in order to make further steps. The answer can be within you rather than outside you.

 

I know people that took 3-6 months to get over their former partner, some others more from 1 to 2 years. Take your time.

[Gillys]

 

PLT and Gillys: You both brought up another thing I also struggle with... the fact that things were great up until he, out of nowhere, decided he was done. My memories are all good. So, its hard to move on when my brain doesnt have any information to convince it that im better off without him. One ten minute conversation of him saying "im not that into you" comes off false when compared to his words and actions for well over three years. I have to believe 10 minutes over three years??? yes, apparently I do.

 

I was the same way. My ex dumped via text out of nowhere one afternoon, after being completely loving to me all week. I wasn't able to develop negative feelings towards her until months after the breakup when the mistreatment came. I understand now she was just trying to push me away but it was done in a rather cruel way at times. 9 months post break up I was still promising to be there for her, offering to help her move, etc. I still had nurturing and loving feelings for a very long time. At times I still do when I look back but throughout all the contact post breakup I was able to see the person I was in love with and the person she is now are completely different. I don't recommend the lingering contact since i believe I have derailed my healing and I know it will take 1-2 years+ before I can rebuild my confidence completely to successfully date again. As it stands right now, I'm terrified of getting close to another person :/

[Heatemyheart89]

Hi I'm 18 months on .

What is keeping me from moving on is social media ( sometimes I just cannot resist looking up my ex my willpower is zero ). I also can't move on due to feeling a major sense of injustice (he treated me bad , why is he okay ?). He completely cut me off and is cool with that . I'm pretty stuck on thinking about what he is up to .

 

I think I am holding on to anger as my self esteem took a major hit. I'm pretty scared I will never meet someone else aswell.

Edited May 24, 2017 by Heatemyheart89

[ZayKayWill]

It's been almost a year and 4 months for me and we were roughly together for only 9 months. I can't really say what's been keeping me from moving on. I have checked her page from time to time and she seems to be doing pretty well, which sadly makes me kind of jealous. Also I guess part of it is I can't seem to stop wondering who was at fault. There are people that say that I am completely fine and others who say I'm not. Long story short I was friends with an ex before her and got her a pretty generous birthday gift (skydiving certificate) and well I told my current gf at the time about it. She didn't break up with me right away, though, it was a FB quote that did it, which apparently meant that I still liked the ex before her. Idk. It was a long distance relationship so I guess I can see why it would be hard to see what was really going on, but I felt like my honesty would have been enough. Guess not. What hurts me the most is the way she broke up with me (name calling etc) and yet she still expected me to be friends with her....and gets mad and blocks me when I unfriend her on Facebook.

 

 

I guess deep down inside I hope that she one day realizes that she took things a little too far and will come back to me. Probably won't happen, though. What baffles me the most is that her ex was her best friend but yet she still got mad at my actions. :/ I know plenty of people who would have been fine with what I did, but I know most people wouldn't have been, but I figured she was just different. I hate the fact that I still can't stop thinking about it. It doesn't feel healthy at all. I feel like there's something wrong with me honestly.

[Jagged100]

Most days are still a struggle for me, I'm better than I was last year this time when I still had hopes of us reconciling but it's still incredibly hard. I've had break ups before and didn't go through half as much pain as I have this time round. I think it's because our relationship was so intense and by the end toxic, I almost feel like a drug addict. Every is a slow recovery from her.

 

She moved on almost instantly, and has tried to torture me with it ever since which makes healing quite a bit harder. NC hasn't worked that well because unfortunately it's impossible to completely phase her out due to mutual friends.

[Nnennoo]

Almost 9 months post break up and I don't see myself getting much better soon if ever. Regret and guilt are keeping me stuck where I am. It took me months to get into his shoes, and now all I can think of is how stupid I was.

[Trinity_84]

I wouldn't call my situation "struggling" but more as "old Facebook posts that come up remind me of ****ty things". I think it's been more than 1 year, less than 2 since the BU. A few months ago I noticed my ex apparently got back with his ex fiance, who had dumped him and cancelled the wedding years before I met him, I ended up being acquaintances with this girl - worked together.

 

After he and I broke up I guess they reconnected and now they're getting married or are married or living together (I don't know). The entirety of our relationship my gut screamed at me that he was still hung up on her, which I didn't ignore, we had many arguments over it, he gaslighted the **** out of me every time. Maybe because he really wanted to make it work with me, who the heck knows now.

 

But every now and then something accidentally comes up on FB (haven't been friends with either of them since I found out they had gotten back together) that reminds me of their existence and my ego gets hit.

 

I am doing really well for myself though, been working through a lot of my personal issues that partly drove the relationship off a cliff, so it's all good, I wish them nothing but the best. Honestly. I just wish they'd disappear from my Facebook, I already removed all our mutually tagged photos and mutual friends... short of deleting every comment he made on my account or deleting it altogether I don't know what to do.

 

 

Always remember though, this to shall pass.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Trinity_84

[guest572]

3.5 yrs and still sad.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

13 months so a little over the year mark. I honestly didn't think i'd make it this far at one point.

 

The pain's still there, less so though... she was my first real love long term girlfriend and I was very invested emotionally.

 

I have come a long way from this time a year ago. All i could do back then was cry and smoke. Now I gym and work... a lot has changed in my daily habits which I think has helped me finally heal. That coupled with a realization of the the breakup reasons.

 

I'm not 100% yet though, I still get cravings occasionally to call her and discuss everything... what I've learnt, what went wrong... almost just a chat to close this chapter of my story. I keep resisting, this feeling too shall pass.