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How do you get over someone that wasn't real?


laelithia

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Hello everyone,

 

I'm struggling with the end of my last "relationship". I'm using quotes, because I'm beginning to understand that 99% of what I thought it and he was wasn't real (I wrote about it here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/622202-my-doing-neediness-his-unavailability). It was short but very intense (1.5 months) where he came on very strong and to the point we thought we had both found "the one" (I'm still struggling with if he too believed that at the time, or he was just trying to fool me. My gut says he former, because he was so intense with me from the beginning until right before the end). We talked at length about our future together, how we would find a way for us to come together (he lives 3 hours away) and build a future together. We talked about marriage and babies quite a bit

 

The ending of this relationship made no sense to me. A day after I last saw him, he was distant and seemingly not as warm, and before I knew it, he told me he wanted to date other people to have fun and he wasn't ready to be with me so seriously. I offered to take things slower, but it was clear he was interested and that he likely had already replaced me with someone in his city.

 

My question is, how do I go about getting over someone that wasn't real? The person I thought he was was someone I could trust, that was always there for me, that I really thought I would have a future with. Now I am grieving not only this pretend person, but also this wonderful future I thought we were going to have. In past relationships, I had more negatives to focus on (traits I didn't like about the person, compatibility issues, things they had done to hurt me), but this past relationship ended so suddenly, without an explanation in how he and his feelings could change so drastically, that I'm left feeling like I don't know how to move on.

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Sorry to hear of your pain. I think you both just got caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new who you were both attracted to. Talking about kids, marriage and moving with the first month is a red flag really. It sounds like he came on hot and strong and then, as they tend to do, backtracked. You were not on the same page regarding drugs and he realised that. He also realised travelling was going to be difficult. The argument you and he had turned things from light-hearted fun to something more serious and he wasn't ready for that. He was pretty much future-faking you which is not a good sign.

 

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it all looked good at first until reality set in and he realised he might have to take responsibility for how someone else felt. He was not ready for that. You need someone who is altogether more ready for a long-term relationship. This guy was looking for fun. That is not to say he was treating it as casual but had not bargained on anything more serious.

 

All you can do is learn from this and be aware that guys do tend to be very strong and positive at first. It is what gives them the initiative to go for a girl. Many are sprinters though and can't keep that pace up. They should not make promises or imply a future but some do. The ones that blatantly lie about this are players.

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My friend sent this to me. I hope this provides comfort and hope. Big hugs for you today my friend!

 

"Just because your love for me was not real,

I will not deny my love for you.

I am proud to have a heart that loves sincerely,

And a soul that innocently smiled for every poem you wrote me.

And even though your words were just words,

I thank you for allowing me to feel how much love my heart could give.

I thank you for showing me that my heart could survive one more break.

Thank you."

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What you have lost were your hopes for the future and your idealism. It happens to most of us, I'm afraid. We give love so quickly when young and assume the person will be the ideal person in our dreams, but they never are.

 

You just need to get a bit more pragmatic and not give your heart that soon. Guys will be all mushy and starry eyed just at the prospect of sex with a new different woman, and then they will decide they want to keep doing that with new women, for the excitement. Men are mostly in love with sex. Women are mostly in love with love. They too may have an ideal love in their head and when they come up for air long enough, realize there isn't that much connection or mostly that they simply aren't done sampling the herd.

 

Just concentrate more on getting to know someone and finding out if you have any common interests and ethics before you give your heart. Because you need that for a foundation, not just to be hot for each other physically and both willing to play house for awhile.

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Thank you everyone for your replies. They really do help! I was thinking today, about how I really played a part in the fast forwarding/future faking too. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

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ML Hammer95
Thank you everyone for your replies. They really do help! I was thinking today, about how I really played a part in the fast forwarding/future faking too. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

 

Ultimately that is speculation and doesn't help you recover right now. I know it's hard, but focus on you.

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elaine567
Thank you everyone for your replies. They really do help! I was thinking today, about how I really played a part in the fast forwarding/future faking too. Do you think if I had managed the pace better (refused to engage in unrealistic talk about the future, focused on the here and now), we could have had a shot?

 

You are so desperate to find "the one" that you ignored all the red flags and fitted this man into the love story you had written for yourself.

 

He was no Prince Charming, he was just some guy who rebounded onto you. A guy who lived miles away and was into drugs...

He came to his senses and dumped you.

 

YOU need to step back and seriously look at the men you choose to date.

Square pegs do not fit into round holes.

 

ALSO do not get mixed up with men who are recently split from an ex, it rarely works and you are usually the one to get very hurt.

He slots you almost immediately into his "partner" slot and it all feels like love to you, but he usually wakes up at some point.

He realises YOU are NOT his ex, nothing like her, and so he dumps you

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laelithia
You are so desperate to find "the one" that you ignored all the red flags and fitted this man into the love story you had written for yourself.

 

He was no Prince Charming, he was just some guy who rebounded onto you. A guy who lived miles away and was into drugs...

He came to his senses and dumped you.

 

YOU need to step back and seriously look at the men you choose to date.

Square pegs do not fit into round holes.

 

ALSO do not get mixed up with men who are recently split from an ex, it rarely works and you are usually the one to get very hurt.

He slots you almost immediately into his "partner" slot and it all feels like love to you, but he usually wakes up at some point.

He realises YOU are NOT his ex, nothing like her, and so he dumps you

 

Yes, it looks an awful lot like that is what happened. To be honest, I thought because he was the dumper in his last relationship, and he told me he was never really very attracted to his ex (whom he dated right after his separation/divorce) that he wouldn't rebound, but I suppose I was wrong. It's frustrating because we had many discussions on the topic, I asked him several times if he was moving too fast after his break up, and he always said that he couldn't help it, that he knew he wanted to be with me.

 

To be honest, I think maybe in the moment he couldn't believe his luck in that I was as in to him (I thought anyway) as he was into me. I come from a well off family, have a master's degree and professional designation, am fit, and have my life together (for the most part). He simply is not yet at a place of stability, and I'm guessing he started to feel the same way I did, that he couldn't follow through with all the promises he made me.

 

I can understand his change of heart, but what I can't seem to get over or forgive him for is the way he handled it. I think it's inescapably cruel to introduce me to his family as his "future wife" (jokingly, but still), and then days later reduce contact until I had to figure out it was over. It was the cowardly way out, but coming from someone who cheated on his ex to end that relationship, I shouldn't be surprised. He kept saying how much he'd learned and how he would never disappoint me or hurt me. From now on I will never get emotionally involved with someone until I make certain their actions match their words. What a difficult lesson to learn.

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