NC is making me feel sick!

[SadEgg]

Hi,

My ex boyfriend broke up with me a year ago and Im afraid I missed my chance to reconcile...

 

We met at work. Became friends first. I liked him immediately and after about a year of being just friends - I told him I liked him. He said he wasnt interested and we proceeded on as friends, no big deal.

 

Then a year later, he changes his mind and starts perusing me. I was still into him - so we started dating. And it was great! The best relationship I have ever been in. We had great chemistry, we never fought, we trusted and respected each other, and had similar relationship goals. And then after a year and a half he ended it - even though he couldn't come up with anything he didnt like about me or the relationship.I didnt want to break up but couldn't convince him otherwise so we parted amicably.

 

I was crushed though. I really loved him. But then, About two month after the break up he asks if I would be willing to meet him to get something to eat. I said yes (cuz I think maybe he changed his mind). I show up to the meeting spot...he's not there but texts that he is going to be 5 minutes late. Then another 5. I ended up waiting for 15 minutes or so and then felt stupid for waiting for him and left.

 

A couple weeks go by and he sees me and asks to take me out to eat again. This time I tried to have more pride and said no.

 

Then 2 more months go by and he accidentally emails me an email meant for someone else. I politely let him know. He responds with a simple 'Sorry about that.' Another month goes by and he accidentally emails me again. I let him know and this time he responds by jokingly asking me to change the first two letters of my name, then proceeds to tell me he is doing well and wants to know what ive been up to. Normally, his joke would have been funny to me but after having my heart shred to pieces, I felt a little upset by this and basically responded with a big middle finger. He apologized and then I also apologized.

 

Now 7 months has passed with no contact and Im really starting to regret my decisions. Maybe I should have waited another 5 mins to eat with him or said yes the next time he asked or just had a simple friendly conversation when he emailed me to see what his intentions were. We were such good friends and I dont know if my pride is worth not having him in my life. he obviously isnt going to try reaching out again. Should I contact him?

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[Rosey87]

Yes. Even if it ends up not in your favor, you still did it. If it works out that's great. If it doesn't then there is someone else for you. Best of luck and love.

[SpecialJ]

It depends. Do you just want to be friends? Then absolutely message him, he'll probably be happy to hear from you. Are you expecting anything more? Then you can reach out if you'd still be okay with him only wanting to be friends but proceed with extreme caution. You really have no idea if his meet up invitations were to reconcile, and he didn't try that hard to make it happen. However, if you know you'd regret it if you never reached out, then just do it. Good luck!

[SadEgg]

It's driving me crazy. I know that NC is the best advice on this forum but its been a year and im not moving on. I feel worse every day.

 

Recap: I dated my ex for about a year and a half. He broke up with me very unexpectedly and before that we had a great relationship. I was polite and understanding when he broke up with me and never showed him how hurt or angry I was about it. He did reach out a few times in the last year with some breadcrumbs but I didnt respond because I thought it wasnt enough.

 

I know we aren't getting back together because he would have tried harder after the breakup - so I dont understand why time and NC aren't helping me.

 

I almost feel like I need to contact him and make a complete fool of myself to get my heart to understand that it's never going to be.

 

And to those who responded to my original post, I havent contacted him yet because I dont know what I actually want. I dont want to be friends but I miss him. I know that NC is best and I also have a lot of pent up anger (which is mostly due to missing someone who doesnt miss me) and Im afraid if I contacted him that some of that anger would come out... and after a year... that just doesnt seem fair to dump on someone. But as I said, NC is making me feel sick. So maybe it would help me to move on if I did reach out.

Edited April 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
2 threads merged ~6

[SadEgg]

There is no answer that anyone can give me. I'm just having a hard time accepting that I thought this person was my best friend when I meant nothing to him. How does that happen? It makes me feel crazy.

 

What if I can never get over him.

[SadEgg]

Sorry if it his thread has turned into me rambling to myself but I'm just going to keep writing my thoughts because I don't have a lot of people to talk to in my life at the moment.

I'm a weird person. And when I met my ex, it was like he was the same exact weird person. A doppelgänger almost. And I felt truly accepted by someone for the first time. No secrets, no hiding my weird quirks or trying to pretend to be anything other than what I am so someone would like me. And the same goes for him - he could be himself too, flaws, quirks and all. It was such a relief and such a...turn on, for lack of a better word. Together we made this world a weirder, funnier and better place.

So when he called things off...it just has broken me in a way that I can't get over. Even after a year.

 

I've followed all the steps you are supposed to take to move on - even no internet stalking and turning down his bread crumbs when he has contacted me (which I now have started to regret).

 

And I have not moved on at all. I still miss him. I still feel angry. I still feel sad. I still feel heart broken.

 

I feel angry because I don't understand what went wrong and I feel angry because I miss him so much. I've spent most of my adult life being alone so I could travel and know who I am and not feel like I need to be with someone to be ok. And I don't like being with people just to be with people. He was special though and now I feel alone without him. I thought what we had was unique and fun and honest and worth something. How did I feel that and he didn't?

 

If I were to reach out to him (as I have been contemplating about recently) I wouldn't even know what to say anymore because I used to be able to say ANYTHING to him. I don't feel right saying 'I miss you' but that would be the most honest reason I could give him for contacting him but my pride cringes at the thought of that.

 

We shared such an off-sense of humor...I feel like that would be useful if I reached out but my humor disappeared and has not returned to me yet.

 

And then I read everything in this forum and I start thinking reaching out would just make me feel worse...if that's even possible.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Honestly, I think you did the right after the breakup. You gave him the opportunity to try again, but he made hardly any effort and strung you along, so I don't blame you for shutting it down. If his feelings had been stronger, he would have tried harder. His behavior suggests that he didn't feel as strongly as you did, unfortunately.

 

The small breadcrumbs he offered you may have been to keep you around as a backup option in case he couldn't find anyone else or changed his mind.

 

Regardless, it doesn't sound like he was serious about getting back together or even offering you friendship so he probably doesn't care that much. If that is the case, I would caution you against reaching out to him again because you will just end up getting hurt again.

 

Sorry this probably isn't what you want to hear, but the last thing you need is to waste another year of your life on someone who isn't as special and worthy as you imagine them to be.

 

It would be more beneficial to work on healing yourself, not looking for someone else (him) to give that to you.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Scarlett.O'hara

[SadEgg]

Scarlett.o'hara: it's ok. I thank you for your opinion and thoughts

 

There is no right answer that anyone can give. I love someone who doesn't love me and I'm struggling to move on.

 

I'm not going to make any decision yet. I'm just going to keep struggling through NC until I feel more calm. I definitely don't want to write him if Im in any kind of emotional state.

[d0nnivain]

It's been over for a while.

 

 

You need to have a little faith that you will get over him.

 

 

If you found him, you will find somebody else. What steps are you doing to meet new people? How are you keeping yourself busy?

 

 

At a minimum try making a list of all your good qualities & your unique ones so you have a concrete reminder of why you are worthy of love & what positives you will bring to a new relationship. Include the profound & the mundane.

 

 

Hang in there.

[SadEgg]

d0nnivain: I have done nothing to meet new people. I'm not a very social person. Which never bothered me before. I have one friend but she moved away about 6 months ago. Now I have no idea how to make friends and I'm definitely not ready to date.

 

As for keeping busy...I work a lot, do yoga, I draw and paint, I see a therapist. After the break up, I tried traveling out of the country for a few months but that made me feel even more lonely.

 

I wish I had never met him.

[d0nnivain]

You lost a BF & your only friend (well not really lost but that person moved away). On some levels that was a double whammy.

 

 

You may never be the "life of the party" person who has a million "friends" but human beings are essentially pack animals who need some socialization. I'm glad you do yoga. I should probably do more. But can you smile at somebody from yoga & maybe say hello? I'm not saying you need to be BFFs but having somebody to exchange pleasantries with can be uplifting.

[SadEgg]

Yeah. When it rains, it pours, right? It been a rough year for me, for sure.

 

This forum has been helpful though. I'm glad I found it.

 

And I will consider smiling at someone at yoga...