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what makes dumpees look stronger-NC or "friends"?


whitewhale

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whitewhale

I have this roller coaster problem that dumpees have. First I love than I hate him and all over again. He dumped me a few days ago. I said a few things I meant but I wasn't rude. He wanted to be friends to make himself feel better about all this, and at first I didn't let him. then I had a change of heart and said, sincerely for the moment, that I'm actually ok, not really angry and we can be friends if he wants, but that I don't care much, cause I've got lots of friends already.

 

He immediately responded. Called me and said that it made him feel better. Not quite what I wanted, nasty as it may sound, but I was joking and busy and told him to call me later if there's anything important he wants to tell me.

 

moments later he texted me about something. And that was all actually. But since then all I want is to tell him I still think he is an immature bastard. I am hurt and i don't him to feel right away happy. later sure, cause I know that too will pass and I won't care simply.

 

Is it such a bad idea to message him that I'm withdrawing friendship offer because you can't be friends with someone you actually think low of? Or that I'm already sorry for the next girl he chooses..

 

Gosh, it's hard. I can't wait the time I won't even ask myself that kind of questions

:(

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LucreziaBorgia

Responding in anger won't do anything but make him feel justified in dumping you. Trust me. Telling him off isn't going to make him feel remorseful, or hurt or anguished over the pain he has caused you. It will just anger him and make him feel like he was right for what he did. So... let him remember you as the girl he first met. I'm sure he saw you as sweet, nice, funny, smart, et al - so leave him in the same way. Is he more likely to look fondly back at you as you were at the beginning or you as you are now angry and ripped apart and hostile as a result?

 

It will require a superhuman will, but make those last words before your 'no contact' appear to be understanding and accepting. Tell him that you enjoyed the time you had together, but it would be best for you to have some uninterrupted and unbiased time to begin to put your heart and head back together.

 

Is it such a bad idea to message him that I'm withdrawing friendship offer because you can't be friends with someone you actually think low of?

 

No, because that puts him on the defensive. Give yourself the power in this situation by making it about you, not about a reaction to him. Instead, say "I cannot be friends with someone that I am still in love with, and still feel hurt by." Then ask him to honor your request for complete 'no contact'. If you want, set a time limit of no less than 30 days before you have contact again. I expect by that time, you will have had a little clearing of both head and heart.

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I don't think you should give him any reason as to why you don't want to be friends. Just don't be and disappear. Stop calling, stop answering his texts. No response is more attractive to a dumper than reasons for your actions.

 

Besides, you're all over the place right now and you're changing your mind from day to day. Don't say anything that you don't want to be held to. Keep your mouth shut and stay quiet until you figure out what you truly want.

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whitewhale

I think that you're both right.. What's more, right after I placed this thread, I've got an email from a "friend" that was once in love with me, but never was with me, you see, and after I clearly told him for the first time - in October, that I'm not interested in any relationship with him, for various reasons, but mostly lack of love, of course, he sent me such a vicious, spiteful letter, that I cut him off. After two months he wrote again, apologetic, and wanted to be "friends". So we were in a way. He was a virtual friend, though we met in real, too (only once), and so I thought it harmless to write letters. And he seemed so much to be over. I was then in a relationship with a guy that the post refers to, the one that dumped me.

 

The virtual guy seemed overjoyed and "confessed" that his girlfriend he's been raving about since he renewed contact with me, that's a love of his life and so on, is imaginary!... and it all soon boiled down to his not being over... me.

 

So I told him it's better if from now on if we really go our separate ways. Once it sank in him he wrote me an awful letter wishing me lots of hurt and saying that it's me that's all messed up etc, and the guy that dumped did the right things and so on...

 

Now I've got my answer in practice... I know how the person "dumping" (which I never did in a way, cause he was never my bf) feels when they get letters/texts like that. I absolutely dislike the guy (the non-bf) now. I almost fear he'll come and find me and hurt me etc. Impossible and irrational as it is. Now I know that I MUST keep all silent and distant and not to annoy my ex for as LB said, it'll put him on defense, like it put me.

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alphamale
Originally posted by whitewhale

Is it such a bad idea to message him that I'm withdrawing friendship offer because you can't be friends with someone you actually think low of? Or that I'm already sorry for the next girl he chooses..

do nothing, WHITEWHALE. don't respond in any way and institute strict NC. that will keep him wondering what happened and what is going on with you. staying "friends" is like taking the cheap crappy consolation prize when the grand prize was $1,000,000.

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Staying just friends works sometimes, but only if you ARE actually good friends to begin with. If someone has treated you badly, then what reason is there to feel friendly towards them?

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Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Responding in anger won't do anything but make him feel justified in dumping you. Trust me. Telling him off isn't going to make him feel remorseful, or hurt or anguished over the pain he has caused you. It will just anger him and make him feel like he was right for what he did.

LB, I wish you had posted this before I sent my bf a nasty email, telling him off for something he did. It has been 4 days and he hasn't called or emailed and I am feeling so so bad, I don't know what to do.

 

What can I do AFTER I have already sent an angry, mean email that will not make him feel guilty for what he did, I think he doesn't even want me after reading it. I am in a lot of pain right now.

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alphamale
Originally posted by Fun2BMe

What can I do AFTER I have already sent an angry, mean email that will not make him feel guilty for what he did,

have u tried apologizing or saying you are sorry FUN2BME??

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Originally posted by alphamale

have u tried apologizing or saying you are sorry FUN2BME??

No, I posted on another thread asking if I should or not, I didn't really get a response. Now it's been 4 days and I feel like crap. I will feel more hurt if I sent an apology and again he doesn't respond. I feel mad at him too each day that he doesn't contact me.

 

He hates drama like this. He sent me a very nice email, but I repliled back VERY MEAN and nasty. I don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep. Should I send an apology, or wait for him to write back? He is out of town so I can't call him, but he could've called me. I don't know if an email apology will bug him out more, since he hates important matters to be taken care of in email.

 

Please, what do you think I should do?

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alphamale
Originally posted by Fun2BMe

Please, what do you think I should do?

send the email apology if only to make yourself feel better.

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I am someone who tells the guy how I feel, but I usually wait a day or two so I can do it without being embarased later. It depends how it ended. I did get used by one guy who lead me on, I told him I didn't expect that from someone his age. When I get dumped I'm only embarassed if I did something wrong.

 

Really, don't you just want to be with people who want to be with you? I do, so adios to him if he feels different. Don't waste my time and lets get out there and find someone who can give me what I deserve. Don't let the ex slow you down either. Date other people. If they are somewhere I want to be and they are there, I deal with it. Whether it be a new company with more money, a party, etc. I played softball with my ex on the other team and he was the pitcher. It was kind of fun looking him in the face, having fun and competing with him. My friends were on the team and I liked to play. I haven't hesitated to make out with my new boyfriend in front of a guy who treated me badly either. (If I dumped him I am respecting).

 

Beware of the whole "friends" thing. Some guys think friends means it's booty call with no attachments or obligations. The guy who I did play softball with and attempted friendship asked for booty call 32 times. Yes, I actually counted for amusement! He was not worth being friends with. Don't let that happen, like I said, you deserve better!

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alphamale
Originally posted by Groovy

The guy who I did play softball with and attempted friendship asked for booty call 32 times. Yes, I actually counted for amusement!

:laugh: hi GROOVY

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But you're a guy...what would make YOU feel better? Would you get annoyed by another email? If not, would you think it pathetic for me to write sorry if he hasn't even responded, like I don't mean enough to respond to, which is how I'm feeling as the days go by?

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alphamale
Originally posted by Fun2BMe

But you're a guy...what would make YOU feel better? Would you get annoyed by another email?

well he is obviously pissed. in this situation i would welcome an apologetic email. that is what he is waiting 4.

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Yo Alphamale! :cool:

 

Fun2Bme, we've all said or done stupid things. Most men do not deal well with confrontation. But will this man really be someone who matters in a few months? Probably not. If you worked with him or had to face him on a regular basis that would be different. Let the mistake go and find a man who will be someone important in your life, it's not that guy. Like Alphamale said apologize only if it makes YOU feel better. How did he dump you that made you so angry anyway?

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I actually dumped him, that's why I feel bad and am waiting for him to respond and he hasn't so I am wondering if I should send an email apologizing?

 

He was going to leave town Thurs. but instead he emails me Wed. that he is already in X town, told me how the weather was, how i'm doing and all that.

 

But I got mad that I wasn't aware he had already left and resonded with a nasty email that he had kept me out of the loop, that I didn't want to deal with this type of a situation that makes me feel like sh*t. I could imagine he was in shock, but shouldn't I have known that much about his whereabouts?

 

Now I don't know if I should apologize, or the fact that he hasn't contacted me is making me more angry, like doesn't he care how upset he's made me? Maybe the situation is easy to analyze and I just can't see it, as far as who is in the wrong, what I should do.

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I guess I'll apologize then, I respect your opinions Alpha and think you have a lot of experience from all of your posts I read. But I will do it thinking that it will make HIM feel better. To make ME feel better, that would be if he apologized to me.

 

I think I had a right to get upset, I wish I hadn't worded things the way I did though and had read LB's post, as far as being sweet instead of him not feeling bad about his actions once he reads an angry email. But the fact that I worded things so badly is what makes me feel bad and want to apologize.

 

And I am pissed that he hasn't contacted me. I just want to make things better so now I'll look like I had no right to get upset and suck it in, and he'll have the upper hand as far as ME being in the wrong for the email, me apologizing, like he did nothing wrong. He left town a day earlier, when I thought we'd spend that night together, so I was here thinking WTF.

 

Groovy, I would like to think he'll matter in a few months. We've been together a long time and I care about him, but I know this type of stuff he doesn't tolerate so I want to resolve things. I hope I'll be doing right to apologize and if I'm going to do it, the sooner the better, hope it's not too late. Thanks for the feedback, I hope I didn't fu** things up.

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Sometimes it is better to take a risk rather than wonder what would have happened if you tried. Apologize as long as you are O.K with the fact that it may be rejected.

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whitewhale

Well I've made up my mind. Strict NC and getting busy with things. The other situation I described taught me that being "friends" is very very tricky. I never even saw that was coming. I mean, if I'm not gonna believe someone that he's over and that's why he wants to be friends, why should someone believe me...? seems to me that disappearance is more believable. and I want him to think I moved on, regardless of the facts.

 

Anyways, I'm so glad I asked you ppl. it makes me more certain and determined to go that NC path. I just hope I rarely see him, because I've no idea how well I can handle it...

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Sorry for not responding to your situation whitewhale I got carried away with my situation. But in my opinion, I think for your situation the best way to go is NC for sure.

 

I don't think it's the right situation to do a friends thing between you and him. I can tell you're still bothered how he doesn't understand what you're feeling and is casual about that you'd be willing to do friends. Just ignore him for a while.

 

groovy: Apologize as long as you are O.K with the fact that it may be rejected.

No way am OK with being rejected, I'd rather keep things like this for a while then and if he doesn't come around, I won't feel as bad, even though I still feel like crap for what I wrote and might end up blowing the whole relationship. I want to take the risk, but I can't risk the rejection. He should've contacted me by now. Fudge, I don't know what in the world to do.

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whitewhale
Originally posted by Fun2BMe

Sorry for not responding to your situation whitewhale I got carried away with my situation. But in my opinion, I think for your situation the best way to go is NC for sure.

 

I don't think it's the right situation to do a friends thing between you and him. I can tell you're still bothered how he doesn't understand what you're feeling and is casual about that you'd be willing to do friends. Just ignore him for a while.

 

 

No way am OK with being rejected, I'd rather keep things like this for a while then and if he doesn't come around, I won't feel as bad, even though I still feel like crap for what I wrote and might end up blowing the whole relationship. I want to take the risk, but I can't risk the rejection. He should've contacted me by now. Fudge, I don't know what in the world to do.

 

Oh, I don't mind that at all, it's everybody's thread hopefully, I don't own it, I've only started it :).

You're right, that I'm bothered that he can't understand, but isn't it typical? I just have to wait till it's all over. Wait it all out and through. Tough though...

 

As for YOUR situation, I've just read in a funny and inspiring book "why men love bitches" (when a bitch is just an independed self-respecting woman) that in situations like that he may be testing how much you can stand. And what kind of behavior you tolerate. He wants to know how far he can go. Well, you told him that by sending a nasty email. So I guess the possible thing to do is to say - "I'm sorry for being very nasty, but not for being mad. I won't let myself be treated other than I deserve." But that's just my thought.

 

It's important to preserve dignity. So play cool, that's my advice, but also apologize, only not in an apologetic manner, you know what I mean. If you are right to be pissed off by something or someone, then don't let that right be denied.

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Originally posted by whitewhale

You're right, that I'm bothered that he can't understand, but isn't it typical? I just have to wait till it's all over. Wait it all out and through. Tough though...

It's definitelyl tough, but worth it and in the end you'll feel better.

 

As for YOUR situation, I've just read in a funny and inspiring book "why men love bitches" (when a bitch is just an independed self-respecting woman) that in situations like that he may be testing how much you can stand.

Thanks for reminding me of that book! I actually have it and just dug it out from my pile of books. I haven't read it in a long time, and I forget about the things I read that make me strong. I felt strong after reading that book, but as time goes by I forget the message and I get all weak again.

 

I'm going to spend the rest of the day re-reading it to build up my skills again. Thanks! That's the best help I've had in a long time. It is PERFECT timing before I cave in and get all weak and apologetic.

 

I'll find out how to handle things in a strong way so like you said, I won't lose diginity, and he'll still respect me, without coming off as a bitch or jelly-wussy like. The cover says "From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship" and that's EXACTLY what I need RIGHT NOW.

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whitewhale
I'm going to spend the rest of the day re-reading it to build up my skills again. Thanks! That's the best help I've had in a long time. It is PERFECT timing before I cave in and get all weak and apologetic.

 

You're welcome :)

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