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How can she be so beautiful yet so dangerous?


Chilli

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Well, l was divorced 2.5 yrs ago now, separated 4yrs ago. Together 20yrs, 1 daughter.

And , my first real thing since my marriage break up,has now officially ended, It has too!

 

When l started to get a little bit better and over the divorce a bit l started meeting a few girls , no one special , it felt hopeless.

Couldn't even find one l was attracted too let alone wanna spend some time with.

But l was still in my divorce forum , and there l did meet someone.

We clicked straight away and also had brilliant attraction, and the weirdest most impossible things in common.

It was gonna be long distance for awhile , very , she's in the US l'm in Australia,

4mths later we finally met , she came over, been over 4 times since and we planned on her moving over soon too.

 

lt wasn't all perfect but with the good things, the amazing things, it was like l got a second chance in life and even far far better than l could have ever hoped for.

But there were problems too.

She had an edge , a nasty one. She could turn and when she did, man, it was just crazy sh@t.

l spotted it only a few days after we first met and l must admit , l knew right then they were gonna be major things with this person.

But , we managed to smooth that over and back came her good side, her beautiful brilliant good side.

She was so beautiful the rest of the time. It was surreal these 2 sides to her, so opposite and so mind bending but her bad side was about the worst possible thing l could have after going through what l'd already just recovered from.

There's been the best , and then there's been the worst too, for this whole 14mths,

 

Over time l tried different things with the bad side and she improved quite a bit.

Sometimes l believed that it had passed and if her feathers got ruffled l wouldn't hear that crazy sh@t anymore now or it would at least be much much tamer than she scary silly crap she'd sprout mths before.

Our good side and love grew and grew , we still had a few spats , usually she'd just get a bit mean about something if l didn't agree or she misunderstood something. But the "a bit " mean was nothing like the old her and she got better and better.

But she was still scary , underneath. l can't explain it without talking about things l'd really just rather not get into, but she could be really scary with some of the things she'd come out with.

l started a thread here few mths back and DT suspected she might have BPD ,but it didn't quite fit.

Anyway from there the bad side kept improving and for a few mths now l've had new hope.

But it was still popping up here ad there and when it did it completely set back you new trust.

Enough so that l became worried about it all again , that side of her.

And l happened to meet somebody that works in the field and explained things to her.

She told me a lot of things about all this but also actually told me gf scares her and urged me very very strongly to get out of it asap.

As did DT also, earlier in my thread.

She said gf's thing wasn't fixable, not even by a specialist and that most won't even attempt to try.

lt was extremely upsetting , even though l'd had gut feelings about it all from those first few early signs.

But the good was sooooo good, better than l'd ever had , even in early days with ex w.

We even talked marriage when she could move over later.

 

Well , l decided l at least needed a break after the doc and think this all through and l told gf a wk or so back.

We've still ahd a few chats but hardly spoken until 2days ago.

But Gf got a bit ruffled about something and that was it. All the improvement, all the amazing good times, the feelings- blown to pieces with the craziest mind bending sh@t l ever heard come out of her mouth.It was worse than at the beginning.

 

Last straw l'm afraid and it had to end. There's nothing l can do to save it.

 

Damn.

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Firstly scuse the rant, just needed to get it of my chest and write it somewhere.

 

But nah , don't think we can pop, she's literally a dangerous person on her bad side and sadly l can see now they were right .

Can't change it or work on it , it'll always be in there , in her head , hovering around waiting to explode.

l can't live like that.

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I absolutely understand. Not to in any way trivialise your situation but there's a song by Mumford and Sons called Snake Eyes which pretty much summed up how l felt about my ex wife, worth a listen.

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salparadise

Healthy people don't have a good side and a bad side like this. This is called "splitting." Classic BPD. And the good times... idealization and mirroring. It's probably was no coincidence that you found you had an unbelievable number of things in common. They're right. You can't fix it.

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You'll be back together soon.

 

I reckon so too and nothing anyone here says will change that till that point comes that one way or another we've all got to.

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Is that how yours went Pete ?

Tbh,l def' wouldn't want it this way, there's a lot to walk away from but l also wanna do my best not to waste anymore time with life persisting if l'm pretty sure it'll never end.

 

Hey Van , yeah , l could but tbh l just don't feelgood about saying more things so maybe read up on some of the other threads on this sort of thing they pretty cover it.

 

But it can be one word or the tail end of a sentence, or something that was said 12mths ago, but usually something she's totally misunderstood or taken in the worst possible way and just starts shooting, no questions asked.

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Sounds like my ex. She was 2 completely different people depending on whether she was in a good or bad mood. A wrong word, thought or action (in her eyes) by me and she turned, like a pitbull, and became a monster. After a while she would switch back to smiling sweetly and acting innocent. It was unnerving. A classic Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. She was also very contradictory, to herself. Almost as if she didn't know what her values were as they kept changing (in order to attack me for mine). She saw nothing wrong with her behaviour. Her moral compass is all over the place. She places a huge importance on how others see her. Her image is the single most important thing to her in life. She would rather destroy someones life than have the truth getting out.

 

If you recognise what I've written above then you're right. She is dangerous to your psychological and emotional health. She will not change. Mine almost cost me my life. Get out and stay out, and go full, hardcore NC forever. It's not easy, I still think about mine every day, 8 months post break up, but it does get easier. Slowly.

 

Good luck.

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I am not trying to minimise the terrible and unsettling experiences of those who live/have lived with abusive or unstable or mentally deranged people, but I have yet to find anyone (who I have known for any length of time) to NEVERr show "the angry, horrible, ugly monster that lurks within" at some point.

 

Looking for this "beautiful" person who is always kind, caring and sensitive may be a fool's errand and not a realistic quest.

 

She is either a very rare beast indeed, or the one you think you have is lying and not fully showing her real self.

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I am not trying to minimise the terrible and unsettling experiences of those who live/have lived with abusive or unstable or mentally deranged people, but I have yet to find anyone (who I have known for any length of time) to NEVERr show "the angry, horrible, ugly monster that lurks within" at some point.

 

Looking for this "beautiful" person who is always kind, caring and sensitive may be a fool's errand and not a realistic quest.

 

She is either a very rare beast indeed, or the one you think you have is lying and not fully showing her real self.

 

I agree that is an important caveat. One offs happen to all of us.

 

When it becomes a regular, and eventually daily occurrence and almost seems like the person is intentionally misunderstanding or jumping to the wrong conclusions in order to have a blow out then it becomes more serious.

 

I used to say to my ex after these blow outs, "When you assume and jump to conclusions, whatever you assume, the opposite is usually the truth." And it was. I could list dozens of examples but won't bore you with them. They were almost always over something extremely trivial, but the reaction was usually completely out of proportion. I was attacked, and dumped, multiple times for things that didn't even happen. It's crazy making.

 

In my case, I just wish she had told me before our relationship what she told me 3 years into it. "I don't 'do' empathy and I don't 'do' resolution and I deserve someone who is compliant". Of course, had I been aware of these things I would have run a mile.

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I agree that is an important caveat. One offs happen to all of us.

 

When it becomes a regular, and eventually daily occurrence and almost seems like the person is intentionally misunderstanding or jumping to the wrong conclusions in order to have a blow out then it becomes more serious.

 

I used to say to my ex after these blow outs, "When you assume and jump to conclusions, whatever you assume, the opposite is usually the truth." And it was. I could list dozens of examples but won't bore you with them. They were almost always over something extremely trivial, but the reaction was usually completely out of proportion. I was attacked, and dumped, multiple times for things that didn't even happen. It's crazy making.

 

In my case, I just wish she had told me before our relationship what she told me 3 years into it. "I don't 'do' empathy and I don't 'do' resolution and I deserve someone who is compliant". Of course had I been aware of these things I would have run a mile.

 

Wow

 

Seriously? She doesn't do empathy or resolution?!?!

 

What on earth?

 

Were you meant to be like a paid employee or something?

What on earth made her think this was acceptable in relationships?

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In my case, I just wish she had told me before our relationship what she told me 3 years into it. "I don't 'do' empathy and I don't 'do' resolution and I deserve someone who is compliant". Of course, had I been aware of these things I would have run a mile.

 

Yes, but probably not.

I know many of these "abuses" are gradual and the victim gets more and more sucked in and the threshold of "normal" changes to something that any truly "normal" person would be appalled by, but why did you put with it all of that? We can discuss how terrible she was all day and night but why did you get sucked in and what can you do to prevent it happening again?

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Yes, but probably not.

I know many of these "abuses" are gradual and the victim gets more and more sucked in and the threshold of "normal" changes to something that any truly "normal" person would be appalled by, but why did you put with it all of that? We can discuss how terrible she was all day and night but why did you get sucked in and what can you do to prevent it happening again?

 

Ah the million dollar question. One that I have tried to work out for a long time.

 

As you say, at first she was completely "normal", and very slowly the limits of normal were stretched to the point of being far from normal. It happened at a creeping pace and its only when I look back at say year 1 or 2 compared to year 4 that the immense change is obvious. I hate the word "normal" but can't think of an alternative.

 

The truth is that I don't know why I fell for her. I thought we balanced each other out, She was quite sensible and conservative, and I am a bit more carefree / you only live once attitude (within reason). Neither of us were on the extremes, but like I say I thought we balanced each other out. She helped me to be more focused, and I helped her learn to relax. I thought she was genuine and caring, and there was that spark of lightning between us, although that took time to develop, around 3 years. It turns out that I was completely wrong.

 

Again, how to prevent it from happening again is a tough one. I don't think I'll be in the right place for a relationship for some time yet. This last one has really left some deep scars, mainly due to the bonkers way it played out over quite a long period of time. It took me a long time to trust her completely, as I'd been burnt before, but she worked very hard to get my complete faith and then once she had it, turned around and crushed it, for no real reason that I can fathom other than "she could".

 

I think the closest I can come to answering the question is that I fell for a con. I now know at least some of the signs of said con, and will recognise them if I see them in the future. I think I was blinded by love, or lust, or both. Weird because she used to say quite often "They say love is blind" followed by a laugh. Like I was part of some ****ed up experiment.

 

@EmilyJane - I know. Looking back I have trouble believing anyone actually said those things myself, and yet I can still hear those words. To be honest I don't know what she wants. Neither does she I don't think. Every time she got what she wanted, it changed, sometimes to the opposite of what she wanted in the first place. I was essentially chasing my tail for the best part of a year trying to keep up. The simplest way I can describe it is that to her, it seems as though relationship=control.

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Yeah elaine and l actually thought that myself.

l'm not pretty when l'm pissed , and if l'm really pissed l've pretty well shamed myself sometimes over the years. But at least l know it and l've worked on it and improved outa sight so that it hasn't been a problem for years now.

 

But sadly yep, l can relate to plt's post , quite a bit, thankfully his sounds even worse though, well thankfully for me anyway, sorry plt. ;)

Mine had that similar thing too about her way or the hwy. At times her arrogance was to me just like huhhhh p wtf ??????

Truly gobsmacked at times.

 

But why , well. can only answer for me but, to be lucky enough to find what we had and after divorce and all , especially seeing earlier and being bitterly disappointed at what else was out there.

This was love at first sight stuff and she's a great girl, she's funny, fantastic to talk to got a great personality on the good side, do anything for ya too , loved looking after me, extremely sexy.

l loved almost everything about her.

All that and much more made the other side of her even weirder actually but so of course l hoped it would all work out or smooth over in time, with trust and things.

 

ps, must admit plt , l was a touch concerned for say in 4 or 5 yrs time too.

But then she'd improved so much in this last few mths so l hoped that wasn't gonna be a worry after all.

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l'm sorry it was such a run for you plt.

Can l ask, did she wanna get married or talk about it?

 

l do see things for sure but mostly yours is up there on her own as compared with mine, right now anyway or so far.

 

Just reading your last post again , makes me wonder if mine would've gotten even far far worse.

Because at least yours held back a few years.

Mine let fly 3 days after we met.

 

l've listened for clues at times if she talks about her ex and their 9yrs, can't tell.

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BryanSmiley

I experienced a few similarities myself with my ex. BP to some degree as one thing could really set her off and she’d be threatening to break up. When 24 hours earlier she was being nice as pie, coming on very strong. Narcissistic as-well – and I think she might possess an arrogance that she’ll always just be able to find the next guy easily enough – due purely to her beauty. It didn’t/doesn’t help that I do find her intensely attractive so at times might’ve fed the beast as it were. Fuse this with some emotional immaturity – and even when things stabilise there’s always just that anxiety there that drama is never too far away. They become complacent in the belief they’ll misbehave and get away with it – and if they don’t chuck toys out of the pram convinced it’s not them and that someone else will take your place easily enough.

 

It’s really not a healthy cycle and I experienced it over approx 5 months. Whilst some will say you should’ve have played harder ball, walked away sooner (perhaps as should I) – it’s never so black/white in a bond going over some period of time. Cut yourself some slack and tell yourself – when you’re ready you’ll spot these traits and notice what character plus points you need to counter them. I.e. a person being more consistent, less dramatic, making clear where you stand with them. How much you deserve those traits and how much happier you’d be. That’s the only thing keeping me going through this debacle.

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l'm sorry it was such a run for you plt.

Can l ask, did she wanna get married or talk about it?

 

l do see things for sure but mostly yours is up there on her own as compared with mine, right now anyway or so far.

 

Just reading your last post again , makes me wonder if mine would've gotten even far far worse.

Because at least yours held back a few years.

Mine let fly 3 days after we met.

 

l've listened for clues at times if she talks about her ex and their 9yrs, can't tell.

 

Ha, marriage was one of those odd things. At the beginning, she seemed obsessed by it, while on the other hand talking about "taking things slow". It's only now I realise that she was contradictory even right back at the beginning. I told her near the end that if we could just sort out our communication issues then I'd have married her there and then. A few days later I was dumped for the umpteenth and final time. So it turns out a commitmentphobe on top of everything else :/

 

Absolutely nothing about my ex relationship makes sense, other than what my ex thinks a relationship should be and what I think a relationship should be are about as different as you can get. Like I said before, it wasn't always like this, but then I'm pretty sure she mirrored me in the early days in order to "snag" me. Once I was snagged, she stopped mirroring and everything was now the opposite of what it was before.

 

Just thinking about all the confusion is making my head hurt. One day it would be "I want a normal, loving relationship", the next it was "I dont want a long term relationship, I just want a good seeing to", the next it was "You only want me for sex", the next it was "you don't give me enough sex" (Yes, to show that i didn't want you only for sex goddammit!) and it went on and on like this in every possible area of our relationship you can think of. Spent too little time together, spent too much time together. Didn't go out often enough, went out too often, I was becoming a yes man and that is bad, I should be more of a yes man and 'compliant', and so on ad nauseum.

 

 

No win situations. It's the first thing I noticed being very 'off' about the relationship. That these no win situations I was finding myself in were becoming more and more frequent. I tried to address it. She pretty much completely ignored what I said and carried on.

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I experienced a few similarities myself with my ex. BP to some degree as one thing could really set her off and she’d be threatening to break up. When 24 hours earlier she was being nice as pie, coming on very strong. Narcissistic as-well – and I think she might possess an arrogance that she’ll always just be able to find the next guy easily enough – due purely to her beauty. It didn’t/doesn’t help that I do find her intensely attractive so at times might’ve fed the beast as it were. Fuse this with some emotional immaturity – and even when things stabilise there’s always just that anxiety there that drama is never too far away. They become complacent in the belief they’ll misbehave and get away with it – and if they don’t chuck toys out of the pram convinced it’s not them and that someone else will take your place easily enough.

 

It’s really not a healthy cycle and I experienced it over approx 5 months. Whilst some will say you should’ve have played harder ball, walked away sooner (perhaps as should I) – it’s never so black/white in a bond going over some period of time. Cut yourself some slack and tell yourself – when you’re ready you’ll spot these traits and notice what character plus points you need to counter them. I.e. a person being more consistent, less dramatic, making clear where you stand with them. How much you deserve those traits and how much happier you’d be. That’s the only thing keeping me going through this debacle.

 

You are so right! Mine had that same arrogance. "You can easily be replaced so do as you're told" sort of attitude. Like you are no more than a defective TV or something. I will never get my head around it, and have stopped trying.

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l've gotta admit, l'm as confused as all hell.

Admittedly there's bits of most of the above's in mine but she doesn't sound anywhere near as bad. l dunno , 14mths,only together a 3rd of the time.

She is arrogant in ways but she's also very humble and appreciative.

Don't ask me to explain that mix but she is.

She'll often thank me over and over for things and how beautiful it was , and l'll say God babe you don't have to thank me for that but she will.

Often tells me all sorts of really nice things about me she loves and things about us.

She loves doing things for me too and making me happy.

Will somebody hit me over the head with a lump of wood l'm missing her. :(

She's also very humble in the way that she was so flattered and happy that l'd want to marry her.

She could get any guy she wants but she does also know it's not about getting them it's keeping them , so there's a mix there too.

She says she doesn't care about the bullsh@T they'll flood her with bc she knows in 5 yrs or 10 yrs they'll be chasing someone else and feelings change .

But she felt we have the right stuff bc l love who she is mostly and she loves who l am.

So again l'd call that humble, really.

 

Where was l. But yeah she is also a sort of arrogant, however can't tell if it's in the same way as you guys talk about. Like she's strong about her views and thinks 3/4 of the world is fkd , but really,3/4 of the world is fkd ,hell l think that myself.

She can also be a bit arrogant about some things with us and the way she thinks it should be or l should be , but only in some ways, in others she does love what l bring in and some of my attitudes.

 

l suppose l could say she does have a fear that l might leave her.

It's sort of like she needs the proof on the table, time , she needs to know l'm different and real, believe it.

There's been many times l've though the dummy spits will stop the day she is convinced l'm sticking around no matter what.

 

Sometimes l think her crap is more of a test.

But hey , the day l can work all women out maybe l'll write a book :lmao:, could be a mile off here.

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To be fair I think mine is a bit of an outlier. I had never experienced that level of cruelty, spite, manipulation, control, confusion, and mixed messages before.

 

The "testing" is where it began for me. I thought that if I could show her I was in it for the long haul it would stop. It didn't. It just got worse, until it got to the point where she was describing someone, but that someone wasn't me. As I think I've said before she became determined to see me as some kind of horrible person and fit the 'evidence' around that, rather than just taking my words and actions at face value. It's like she felt that everyone was out to get her, but thought she was too clever and therefore had to outmanoeuvre everyone, including me. She seemed to find it impossible to just take me at face value. It's all just one big game to her and men are just the pawns in that game.

 

It's worth pointing out that mine used to say the sweetest things too. She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, that I treated her better than anyone ever had before, that she had waited her whole life to find me, that we were like a piece of elastic that may stretch but will never break. All lies it seems. It can be difficult to remember but there was a time when I 100% trusted her with my life, my future, and my heart.

 

But, not all women are like my ex, so I'm not saying your gf will go the same way. I'm perhaps just trying to give you things to look out for just in case.

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l suppose l could say she does have a fear that l might leave her.

It's sort of like she needs the proof on the table, time , she needs to know l'm different and real, believe it.

There's been many times l've though the dummy spits will stop the day she is convinced l'm sticking around no matter what.

 

Sometimes l think her crap is more of a test.

But hey , the day l can work all women out maybe l'll write a book :lmao:, could be a mile off here.

 

Well...this touches my heart. When I met my husband there was all kinds of craziness and testing on my side. I displayed lots of BPD traits but I was also in therapy working them out. She might have daddy issues and strong fears of abandonment.

 

In any case us pretty "crazy" girls are fun to be with and can make good partners once you get through the nonsense. But only certain kinds of men will put up with this behavior.

 

If she's aware of her emotional dysregulation and is willing to work through her issues then that's a good sign. If not it's best to move on.

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Well...this touches my heart. When I met my husband there was all kinds of craziness and testing on my side. I displayed lots of BPD traits but I was also in therapy working them out. She might have daddy issues and strong fears of abandonment.

 

In any case us pretty "crazy" girls are fun to be with and can make good partners once you get through the nonsense. But only certain kinds of men will put up with this behavior.

 

If she's aware of her emotional dysregulation and is willing to work through her issues then that's a good sign. If not it's best to move on.

 

 

Haha spring, thanks so much for that, it touches mine back,:)

Funny , l've often thought things your saying.

She's different, and l absolutely love her different, and she is heaps of fun, even her personality just cracks me up mostly, the quirks and her things, the whole lot, cept the crazy, that kinda gets me taring my hair out.

Funny though, l've often thought anyone else is gonna be pretty boring if this doesn't work out and in most ways it'll be real disappointing.

 

She has shown a willingness to work of things at times and has explained stuff and admitted stuff and that she needs this or that from me , needs to know, believe.

SHe even admitted some of her crazy accusational stuff are actually her worst fears.

l do get it , hell l need that myself and admittedly l realized l've tested her too bc l'd been through hell myself and l wasn't about to cave in for just anyone .

Must admit , her shear guts though and never say die, really has and still does amaze the hell outa me.

 

lt's just this other edge to her.

But you know the degree , is what's really hard to know.

Say as compared to PLt's for example.

l'm thinking the degree of all this is where it's at yknow. Too much and your pretty well screwed if you take it on yaknow, but somewhere lower down say how you must've been to improve and want too.

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To be fair I think mine is a bit of an outlier. I had never experienced that level of cruelty, spite, manipulation, control, confusion, and mixed messages before.

 

The "testing" is where it began for me. I thought that if I could show her I was in it for the long haul it would stop. It didn't. It just got worse, until it got to the point where she was describing someone, but that someone wasn't me. As I think I've said before she became determined to see me as some kind of horrible person and fit the 'evidence' around that, rather than just taking my words and actions at face value. It's like she felt that everyone was out to get her, but thought she was too clever and therefore had to outmanoeuvre everyone, including me. She seemed to find it impossible to just take me at face value. It's all just one big game to her and men are just the pawns in that game.

 

It's worth pointing out that mine used to say the sweetest things too. She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, that I treated her better than anyone ever had before, that she had waited her whole life to find me, that we were like a piece of elastic that may stretch but will never break. All lies it seems. It can be difficult to remember but there was a time when I 100% trusted her with my life, my future, and my heart.

 

But, not all women are like my ex, so I'm not saying your gf will go the same way. I'm perhaps just trying to give you things to look out for just in case.

 

 

Thanks again plt but oh brother, she does sound bad , glad you got out man or you'd end up crazy.

 

Admittedly , right when l was staring to think this or that , l read this and recognize a lottttt of stuff in here.

Thing is , as l was just sayin to spring , l guess maybe it's the degree of this stuff too is a big thing.

 

How often was she normal Pl , how often did her crap start flying ?

 

The thing with mine is it's only pretty rare, well compared to how most of them sound.

She's fantastic , 95% of the time.

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Haha spring, thanks so much for that, it touches mine back,:)

Funny , l've often thought things your saying.

She's different, and l absolutely love her different, and she is heaps of fun, even her personality just cracks me up mostly, the quirks and her things, the whole lot, cept the crazy, that kinda gets me taring my hair out.

Funny though, l've often thought anyone else is gonna be pretty boring if this doesn't work out and in most ways it'll be real disappointing.

 

She has shown a willingness to work of things at times and has explained stuff and admitted stuff and that she needs this or that from me , needs to know, believe.

SHe even admitted some of her crazy accusational stuff are actually her worst fears.

l do get it , hell l need that myself and admittedly l realized l've tested her too bc l'd been through hell myself and l wasn't about to cave in for just anyone .

Must admit , her shear guts though and never say die, really has and still does amaze the hell outa me.

 

lt's just this other edge to her.

But you know the degree , is what's really hard to know.

Say as compared to PLt's for example.

l'm thinking the degree of all this is where it's at yknow. Too much and your pretty well screwed if you take it on yaknow, but somewhere lower down say how you must've been to improve and want too.

 

Yeah I get it. I don't know this girl. She might be too dangerous or she might be emotionally fragile and have behaviors that seem scary but are more harmful to herself than others.

 

Guys do tend to gravitate to "crazy" girls because those types feel such strong emotions they tend to be very intense. Not all men want this type of excitement but the ones that do won't be happy with an even-tempered woman. But it's a gamble and a difficult road with BPDish girls. However, my husband is never bored nor has interest in cheating. (I keep him busy :o)

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