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Grace Period for Divorce Begins :: Devastated


higherground5

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higherground5

Hi All,

 

This is a long one, so grab a bag of popcorn and a drink.

 

I met my ex-wife about 7 years ago. We moved in with each other at the end of year 1, bought a house in year 3, got married in year 5, separated/divorced in year 7. No kids.

 

When we first met it was great; we had endless amounts of happy moments with some hurdles, which I thought were minor. Here is a quick summary of the core issues throughout the course of our relationship:

 

1. She was my first real loving relationship after being hurt by previous women (these girls were straight out of a previous relationship and I was a rebound). I had trust issues at first where I would call her out on simple, stupid encounters with dudes hitting on her at a bar. Over time, she was committed to making sure she wasn't hurting my feelings, and I overtime I completely gained her trust. Regardless, I'm still not proud of my quick judgements prior to me accepting I could trust her so it's something I know I had to work on.

 

2. When we first moved in with each other, I noticed she was constantly going out with her friends. Even the first night we moved in, instead of celebrating, she went to a pre-planned concert with her friends. I didn't put up much of a fight with it at that point, but after a while I spoke with her about it stating "I thought we moved in with each other to be in a relationship, and share this experience, not so you can have a quick jump off spot to your friends in the city". Needless to say, she interpreted this as controlling, as if she had to ask for "permission" to go out - this propagated to her friends in this form, which I wasn't pleased as it was completely taken out of context. Regardless, we ironed it out (so I thought) where I was simply asking for balance for both of us to hang out so I didn't feel like I was being walked all over and used. At the time, I thought we resolved the issue.

 

3. I noticed over time she was clearly focusing on partying, drinking and smoking weed any chance she would get. I, too, would partake, but over time I noticed it wasn't healthy for either of us. We were gaining weight and just treating our bodies like crap. Again, I had a conversation with her about cutting it back and focusing on our health. Similar to #2 above, she said I was trying to control her and she can "do what she wants". I told her if that's how she wants to live, then it's not for me. Again, she understood and over time we cut back tremendously, and started being more health conscious. This doesn't mean we didn't let go when the time was right, but it was a better balance. At the time, I thought this was a resolved issue.

 

4. I started noticing our sex started to decrease. She wasn't denying me, but I was denying her. In my mind, I wanted to but I was working hard, not so happy with my work and I had some issues going on with my family life that just made me unmotivated. Additionally, I started to feel unattracted to her because she just never put in any effort to look sexy for me - I mean a girl who is barfing in the toilet after a night out with the girls just started to turn me off. She spoke to me about it, and I told her we need to work on it, but it just took a back seat to our relationship. At the end, we were having sex probably once every few months. We were always hugging, kissing, and embracing, cuddling etc, so there was some level of passion, but the infrequency with sex definitely was a warning sign we should have took more seriously at the time.

 

5. When we bought our house, she was adamant about getting a dog to the point where she said she was going to do it with or without me, so I supported the investment. However, over time it seemed like the dog was EVERYTHING to her and I took a back seat. I started to get annoyed, no matter how much effort I put into the dog, but clearly the dog brought her something that I wasn't - maybe it was due to the lack of sex? She was awful at communicating (although she believed she was great at it!) so I never really heard her initiate a conversation on what was going on with her and the dog. Again, communication was never her strong suite in my opinion so I just went along with it.

 

6. My mother passed away in year 5 and I was devastated. It was a slow deteriorating disease that lasted for about 2 years prior until her death. I had a hard time dealing with it (still am to a certain extent) and I noticed during this time I was more vocal, annoyed, and quick tempered to my wants/needs. In contrast, she was more about focusing on herself, the dog, and wasn't there for me emotionally at all. This actually fed into my irritation and a cycle began of me asking for her to be there more for me, but the more I asked, the more she focused on herself. Although it was really hard for me to understand this because she was convinced she was there for me. To this day, I still don't understand how she was unless she thought by living in the same physical building as me was her way of "being there for me".

 

Despite all of the issues outlined above (again this happened over a 7 year period of time), we had endless amounts of good times. Trips around the world, weekend getaways, little projects around the house, endless amounts of memories hanging out with friends and family for holidays, events, and parties, and tons of happy pictures posted all over facebook, instagram, and the list goes on - it was an overwhelming amount of what I thought was happy memories that would always lead the relationship and not break it down. Every relationship has it's ups/downs, so I never thought it would lead this far.

 

My wife would always say to me how much she loves me and she could never live without me and the thought of me dying before she did would devastate her; I felt the same way. We used to playfully bicker back and forth about who loves eachother more and life I thought was great. There was constant "I love yous" and "you are my best friend", almost weekly if not more.

 

One of the strange things I noticed when we first started dating was how frequent she would reach out to me. She would literally keep me updated every second of the day, or when she went on a trip, she would text me what she's doing and when etc. I would tell her frequently that she didn't need to do this at all, but she would always reply with "it's comforting to me". Over time it just became the norm and it actually made me feel special and proud to be her husband because I thought it just meant we were really close. Although now it seems she had some type of emotionally dependency on me, which after it was resolved, clearly I wasn't needed anymore. Another strange thing is that I found out she had a previous relationship before we got together where she had an abortion. I couldn't help to think yet again I was involved with another rebound relationship, which could have been why she was so attached to me. Who ****ing knows!

 

Well, after my mom passed at year 5, things started to go downhill tremendously fast. We were arguing more without reaching closure on anything, and I just felt like she was being selfish and self-centered about where we live, what we do, and we started to drift apart with any type of connection - I just felt like we were roommates in our house, but I was committed to fixing the relationship. We went to see 3 couples therapists.

 

The first therapist was not helpful at all - she was more traditional and we felt like she wasn't doing anything for us, so we stopped seeing her. The second therapist was the biggest game changer, but for the worst in my opinion. The approach this therapist followed was more in tune to working on the essentials in the relationship (e.g. communication etc), which seemed appealing at first, rather than talking about our specific issues. This almost exacerbated the situation where we would leave the therapy sessions heated. I noticed over time the therapist wasn't neutral and started to isolate me as the problem, which of course I'm part of the problem, but there was zero neutral territory. This therapist had us take a compatibility/emotional test, and the results were horrendous to the point the therapist said we were doomed to fail. Additionally, she said we should strongly consider separating. At that point I made the decision not to attend these therapy sessions any longer as I thought she was focused more on tearing us apart rather than give us the tools necessary to heal and get through this. At the end, my ex-wife decided to see her personally and I decided not to see the therapist at all. I wasn't happy with this decision, but it was her choice to see her. Fast forward to the third therapist. By this time we separated, and to our surprise, this therapist was amazing and actually downplayed the suggestions by the previous therapist, but it was too late.

 

My wife was gone at this point. She started writing me emails saying that "you have deep psychological issues" and "you need to see an EMDR therapist and focus on self-love", which according to her was the only way we could save this marriage. Of course I complied, but I slowly realized she was simply preparing me for a divorce and had zero interest in reconciling with me. She went from contacting me all day every day on the phone, text, email, to completely eliminating me from her life. And at a time where I was still in the process of getting over my mom's death, it was a huge blow to deal with both life events at the same time. This is a person where we would talk about the names of our babies, and our life dreams together, and now she isolated that I was unhealthy for her boundaries. I didn't understand it at all.

 

Similar to other people within the forum, all she started doing since we separated was highlighting the bad of our relationship over the last 7 years. She even brought up the issues we had at the beginning of our relationship (#1 above) as if it was never resolved and again said I was controlling! I couldn't believe it!!! I'm not perfect, and I know there were things that I had to work on, but I received zero chances on working on any of them with her.

 

We separated last July and the grace period of the divorce has begun and will be finalized in May. I'm completely devastated and I'm doing so much to try to get by: yoga, meditation, personal growth, therapy, massages...and the list goes on. However, the main thing that has completely destroyed me is the relationship my mom had with my ex-wife. My mom's final happy moments in her life was when my ex-wife and I were married, and to have that ripped apart, and knowing that any future relationship I may have will never know my mom or the stories she had to tell. The last messages I got from my ex is "I beg you to keep this to logistics for legal matters" and "you are unhealthy for my boundaries" and "our relationship went from bad to worse when we moved in with eachother" and "I had suicidal thoughts at the end because of you" the list goes on, has completely stabbed me in the heart. All of this is coming from someone who would say "I love you so much and couldn't live without you" and "you make me a better person in my life", the list goes on - it has completely ****ed me up.

 

I think about her every day and wish she would realize I'm not a horrible person, but it's almost like she's painted this picture of me so it's easier for her to move on, character assassination if you will. One thing she would never do is show humility or feel vulnerable. She would always "play to win", and I feel like this is an example of that. Regardless, I know she's gone, I just can't believe it. At this point we should have had a family. We are both responsible for this relationship, and not one person is at fault, but equally at fault. It's just that everything seemed to be on me and clearly she thought of herself as the "victim". I just can't believe it!

 

Anyway, end rant.

 

Best,

Forbin

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Wow this is just so classic...

 

Buddy, as you start to grow more, and you need to keep all of that up, you will start to understand what I am fixing to tell you.

 

Your wife was selfish and entitled from the very beginning of your relationship. You were in love and I am thinking somewhat inexperienced and you just did not know how to deal with all of her issues. These are the things you will realize over time and the only reason that this matters if for future relationships.

 

1) She has been cheating on you from very early in your R. Yes, yes she has. All the partying with the girls. All of the "you're controlling" comments and everything that went with it, totally cheaters script.

 

Maybe this will help you get over her, and maybe it won't but I assure you that it happened. Trust me, on this.

 

2) You made this worse by not taking care of her physical need properly. And for future reference, when one partner is not taking care of the other partners sexual needs, they will get them met by someone else.

 

3) You two were never on the same page. She was never ready to settle down and any point in the relationship.

 

4) Your inexperience and your kind of Beta behavior doomed your R from the beginning. You need to read "No more mr. nice guy", google it.

 

5) When a woman is actually into you, she wants to be next to you, you need to remember this. It makes them feel loved, and secure. When they don't want to be around you, except for pit stops in the house that you bought, and when she is too tired to party, they are not into you at all.

 

6) When you don't feel like making love to your woman, that should be a wake up call to you that something is really, really wrong with the relationship.

 

Let me explain the difference: Got a new GF a few weeks ago. We both have a lot of experience with R's. We cannot stand to be apart, not just for the sex, although there is plenty of that, but just to be in each others presence and spend time.

 

We can't be together full time all the time right now and that sucks, but when we are, it is great.

 

She cannot get enough of me sexually, and I feel the same about her. But more than that we just want to be with each other.

 

We know that we are crazy to fall in love so quick, and we talk about it a lot but we both seem powerless to stop. I have dumped all other GF's and FWB's and that is saying something for me.

 

I am not saying every R will be this intense for everyone, but it needs to be something like this at some level or it is not worth keeping.

 

You keep growing and over time you will be able to pick one that is right for you...

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higherground5

Hi Bluespower...

 

Thanks for the reply and feedback. I do agree with most of what you are saying, but the majority of the times we were joined at the hip. For example, we couldn't keep our hands off each other when we went out, we'd always be holding hands, cuddling in bed etc. It's not like she was keeping her distance from me all the time, but I did pick up on a few things that I've outlined. I don't think she was ever cheating on me...I knew her friends and her friends knew me so it's not like she was out sneaking around sleeping with other people. Sure, that is always a possibility, but we were with each other 99.9% of the time and when we weren't she was talking to me via phone, skype etc. This probably was more realistic towards the end because we were getting into more arguments that just didn't seem to get resolved, and when we separated, all of the issues started to bubble to the surface. I remember her saying to me "we don't even have sex!" and "you are always so negative!" and "you are so controlling".

 

When I would try to rationalize the issues, saying that I'm not controlling, I would point out all the ways that I'm not and she wasn't having any of it. Like it was going in one ear and out the other - I mean, heck, if anything I felt like the one being controlled because I had little say in major decisions in life (e.g. where we got married, where we lived etc) - it was only what she wanted. Regardless, I was brought up to communicate, compromise, and resolve issues, but I was never getting any of it. It was always turned on me as if my "compromising" was getting what I wanted, when in reality I was trying to accommodate so both of us was getting something out of it - apparently, that wasn't good enough for her.

 

At the end of the day, she was my best friend and romantic partner, and to have been completely eliminated from her life (no contact whatsoever) so quickly and when I did try to reconcile with her all her responses were answered in anger. I stated "why are you being so immature about this?" and "I'm committed on fixing these issues", she would just say that she "has to focus on loving herself first" and "I'm not what she needs".

 

I just couldn't believe I was hearing this because over the last 7 years she would just constantly tell me that I make her a better person and that she loves me so much. If this never happened, then this would be so much easier, but it was just shocking how she dealt with it at the end. My hands were tied. Now I have zero contact with her or any of her friends/family that I spent so much of my life with...it's just hard to be all by myself during this time.

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Tonofbricks

She's re-writing your relationship cause it makes it easier to leave. It's easier to leave when you feel no guilt and blameless.

 

What I've come to half way accecpt is that what ever the person your ina relationship feels.. it's real to them. You may not feel the same or even see how or understand why they may feel this way .. but it is what it is. Trying to convince someone to stay or do the pick me dance sucks and is no way to live.. let alone the way a person who genuinely cares about you should be treating you.

 

Learn from this experience and come out better on the other side. If you wallow or jump into a new unhealthy R then all the pain and whatnot will all be for nothing.

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What stands out most to me is that you got married after there were so many obvious red flags. Your story, unfortunately, is not atypical, but you usually read of these things happening after the couple gets married.

 

Read your original post again and try to read it with outsiders eyes. Would you advise these two people to get married? How this reads to me is that you made the common choice to let the good times wash away the apparent warning signs.

 

Instead of taking a step back and determining what your boundaries and non-negotiables in the relationship were, you doubled-down on your decision to be with her. No one is perfect, but she was showing you pretty early on that you two weren't on the same page about some fairly important things.

 

Moreover, it sounds like you conceded to her a lot. Your previous romantic encounters were so negative that she, by contrast, seemed amazing. But I'm not seeing a lot of amazing here. I'm seeing someone who was content with the relationship so long as she was steering the big decisions (lifestyle habits, the dog, etc.). You sound like you were more a passenger along for the ride for what she wanted her life to be rather than one half of an equal partnership.

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higherground5

Thanks for the replies...it makes coping so much easier and to understand im not alone is refreshing.

 

Yeah, you guys are right. The warning signs were definitely there, but over time I noticed she was putting me first for everything, and the positive reinforcement she gave during this time was so great that I just thought it was her growing up, silly me.

 

I do have to say the biggest sign should have been the lack of sex, but because we were making out and cuddling/embracing all the time, it just felt so good and right at the time. Of course, this was stupid because if two people really love eachother they want to share that on a deeper level - we just didn't do it as much as we did at the beginning of the relationship so we just thought it was because the "honeymoon" period was over. Who knows.

 

I couldn't agree with Blanco more about "re-writing" the relationship. After my ex-wife went to her "personal therapist" I just felt like her demeanor and approach towards me was filled with anger and haste. There was no constructiveness, no methods on for her to improve the relationship...no humility...it's almost as if she went to therapy so she could find a way to think she wasn't at fault at all and to put it all on me. I remember her saying "you drove me crazy making me believe I couldn't communicate etc", like the therapist validated that she was this amazing communicator this entire time and I was too stupid to listen. I'm almost barfed when I heard her say this to me because the irony is that I never knew she felt "alone" and that she had "thoughts of suicide". To this day I cant even believe I heard this come from her (her family and friends were shocked as well) - I would always ask her how's shes feeling and if she's ok and it was always answered positively followed by a smile, more amazing dates, and just good times. Clearly it was completely passive behavior.

 

When we separated in July, we did have an argument right before she left because I wasn't pleased with the, again, lack of communication. I simply wanted to outline the separation rules, understand for how long etc, and she just wouldn't cooperate at all, I just got so angry and told her to get out. Of course, I didn't mean to the degree that she took it, and I said some things I didn't mean to say, so who knows if this fed into her newfound anger towards me.

 

Regardless, it doesn't matter anymore, but now I'll probably never get the chance to have kids and the thought of putting so much effort into another relationship is just so overwhelming and unattractive to me. It's time to take it day by day and focus on myself, but it just sucks I lost the last 7 years of my life thinking I was "growing" with the one I was going to be with for the rest of my life..

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higherground5

today was annoying. it was the ex-wifes birthday, and although i didn't text her today, i did a few days ago wishing her peace, love, and laughter for her bday month (it's usually a month long process in her world). yeah, stupid.

 

I noticed on her instagram she posted "what she learned from the previous year", and again, to my astonishment, she posted blatant "self-help" guidance like she's some type of spiritual warrior where she's clearly pointing the blame to everyone else for where the marriage went wrong. Points such as "Only you are in control of your own emotions. Other people are usually projecting their **** onto you." and "Always be yourself. Be emotional, laugh, play, dance, sing, be silly. The right people will love and accept you as you are".

 

It's just mind blowing that she doesn't want to understand the torment I was going through when my mom passed and how she wasn't there for me, it's like I was wrong for going through my grieving period. I know I was a prick and was angered, quick tempered at times, but to take it this far to constantly be projecting herself as a victim is bs. The other point is that I do love her for who she is...hell, I married her for that very reason! She just didn't want to believe me when I said this to her, even all of the actions I showed her how much I cared (e.g. random flowers, putting myself out for her, planning weekend trips with her, making her birthdays/holidays special..the list goes on), none of it really seems to be surfacing for her at all.

 

I just feel like this is more examples of the self-centered, egotistical behavior I've experiencing, but after all this time I hoped for some type of self reflection on what SHE could have done to better the relationship other than eliminate me and her job from her life (yes, she even quit her job during this time as it was a major source of stress for her as well...guess who listened to her complain about it all the time?!?!).

 

end rant.

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frigginlost
today was annoying. it was the ex-wifes birthday, and although i didn't text her today, i did a few days ago wishing her peace, love, and laughter for her bday month (it's usually a month long process in her world). yeah, stupid.

 

I noticed on her instagram she posted "what she learned from the previous year", and again, to my astonishment, she posted blatant "self-help" guidance like she's some type of spiritual warrior where she's clearly pointing the blame to everyone else for where the marriage went wrong. Points such as "Only you are in control of your own emotions. Other people are usually projecting their **** onto you." and "Always be yourself. Be emotional, laugh, play, dance, sing, be silly. The right people will love and accept you as you are".

 

It's just mind blowing that she doesn't want to understand the torment I was going through when my mom passed and how she wasn't there for me, it's like I was wrong for going through my grieving period. I know I was a prick and was angered, quick tempered at times, but to take it this far to constantly be projecting herself as a victim is bs. The other point is that I do love her for who she is...hell, I married her for that very reason! She just didn't want to believe me when I said this to her, even all of the actions I showed her how much I cared (e.g. random flowers, putting myself out for her, planning weekend trips with her, making her birthdays/holidays special..the list goes on), none of it really seems to be surfacing for her at all.

 

I just feel like this is more examples of the self-centered, egotistical behavior I've experiencing, but after all this time I hoped for some type of self reflection on what SHE could have done to better the relationship other than eliminate me and her job from her life (yes, she even quit her job during this time as it was a major source of stress for her as well...guess who listened to her complain about it all the time?!?!).

 

end rant.

 

The hardest thing that you are going to have to realize is that what she is doing is somewhat normal when a relationship ends. The re-writing of history, and the self-centered egotistical behavior goes with the territory. It is going to rip your heart out and crush your self-esteem as these things take place. We have all been there (my ex-wife walked after 17 years together and re-wrote history. My last girlfriend did the same thing after a 4 year relationship, but I got the bonus fun of her telling all mutual friends that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I was the controlling bum. Now, keep that in mind as my ex-girlfriend was the one cheating on me...)

 

You're in for a very, very, rough ride. But there is a bright side to it. As time does its thing you will start to see what the relationship really was. You will start to scar and you will start to rebuild yourself. You will come to terms with just how rotten she was and you simply will not care.

 

Right around that time, guilt will hit her and she will come looking for you to offload it. You at that point wont care and without even knowing it, you will return the favor of crushing her self-esteem.

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higherground5
The hardest thing that you are going to have to realize is that what she is doing is somewhat normal when a relationship ends. The re-writing of history, and the self-centered egotistical behavior goes with the territory. It is going to rip your heart out and crush your self-esteem as these things take place. We have all been there (my ex-wife walked after 17 years together and re-wrote history. My last girlfriend did the same thing after a 4 year relationship, but I got the bonus fun of her telling all mutual friends that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread and I was the controlling bum. Now, keep that in mind as my ex-girlfriend was the one cheating on me...)

 

You're in for a very, very, rough ride. But there is a bright side to it. As time does its thing you will start to see what the relationship really was. You will start to scar and you will start to rebuild yourself. You will come to terms with just how rotten she was and you simply will not care.

 

Right around that time, guilt will hit her and she will come looking for you to offload it. You at that point wont care and without even knowing it, you will return the favor of crushing her self-esteem.

 

Thanks, and sorry you went through your situation; I can't imagine that happening after 17 and 4 years.

 

I do go in waves for seeing the situation in a productive light and it helps understand what I wasn't receiving what I needed from my partner. My core values were violated completely. Seeing her consistently post references to our previous relationship clearly suggests she's struggling to put this behind her, but to sink to a level that doesn't make her responsible one bit is appalling to me. My therapist and I suggested that she's always been incapable of showing humility and saying "I'm sorry" and "this is what I could have done better", so it's times like this it just validates this is the right decision for me. I mean when exchange wedding vows and promise to be there through "thick and thin", hell, I get sidelined when I needed her as my rock? It's just ridiculous how this entire situation has been about her, but she'll just brush it to the side and say I'm the one that has been selfish. ugh. irritating.

 

Anyway, I haven't looked at any social media for over a week now; my motivation/urges to do it are clearly getting less and less, which is a positive sign I'm moving on. Hope it continues.

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