Gillys Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Lately I've been wondering if people ever truly get over their first love....honestly I'm not sure what qualifies for "getting over" as well. My first love/ex left me nearly 13 months ago. We haven't spoken in over 5 months when I initiated no contact. Since which, I have felt a huge improvement (very rare that I spend hours a day analyzing the breakup, I accepted we will never reunite and perhaps never speak again and that I ultimately lost my best friend). Our mutual friends and family know not to mention my ex around me. I feel like I've made huge improvements professionally as well (passing professional licensure exam, started a new job and continue to get plenty of lucrative PRN offers as well to further my skills and career). Most importantly I have grown extremely close to my siblings, cousins and old childhood friends while going through this which I am truly grateful for. However, some days (like yesterday) I catch myself thinking about a great memory of the past, something awful said to me during the break up or something funny happening and wishing I could text my ex to share the story. I still often even dream about my ex anywhere from getting an apology, to telling my ex off, making love, to us reuniting, to my ex meeting me to tell me about their new marriage/family 3 years from now and me being happy. I can't even remember the names of some of the people I dated in my early and mid 20s but cant go a full week without thinking about my ex still. Is it normal to still have thoughts of your first love even months after the relationship ended? This was my first experience with love and true heart ache. Link to post Share on other sites
Inspiteofrselves Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Oh, sweetie-- you won't forget, and the good memories are yours to keep, but one day it won't sting. I promise that. You're doing really well. My first big heartbreak I cried every day for over a year. It damn near killed me. Though I still have to work on some issues the breakup brought up, around trust, it really has no day to day affect on me anymore. In fact sometimes when I hear from my ex I feel relieved we went our seperate ways because I did really care for him, and we can get more of what we each need apart. It is the worst answer in the world, but it's true-- it just takes time. If it is taking you more time, it's just because you have a loyal and decent heart that someone will treasure one day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Altair0770 Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 My therapist told me that the reason a first love stings so much is because they are the blueprint of what you know about relationships. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 No, you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Jopes Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 (edited) My therapist told me that the reason a first love stings so much is because they are the blueprint of what you know about relationships. your therapist stated a personal opinion. I don't agree with that but maybe other people have something else to say about that. I personally don't want to hold onto a thought of a person when it causes me such misery. There are a lot of books and thought alterating techniques now a days that it shouldn't be a must to live with that kind of torture. Edited April 12, 2017 by Jopes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gillys Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 I think my problem (and possible blessing) was falling in love for the first time so late...age 28. My ex had fallen in love several times since high school. So I assume dumping and moving on gets easier with experience. I think if this had happened while I was younger, say high school, I may not have had the mentality that you should "try to talk out issues and work on a relationship if you're in love". Instead of just dumping through a text and rushing into a new relationship (like my ex did to me and something I remember a lot of my peers doing growing up). Either way, it's nice to hear I'm not crazy for still feeling "affected"/ different in a way by something that happened a year ago. Link to post Share on other sites
allybaba789 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) My situation is very similar and I am a similar age to you and recently had my 'first love' and first heartbreak (and I hope my last). My ex and I didn't end on bad terms, he just didn't want a serious relationship and it ended quite abruptly. Some days are fine, others I find myself fantasizing about happy moments we shared together. Everything reminds me of him - I have over 50 reminders a day and it was my first love also. I'm at a point in my life where the main thing I am missing is a partner to share it with. I have come to the realization that I will not fully get over him until I am genuinely happy with someone else. I think this happens as you get older and the rest of your life slots into place and it shines a light on the areas that have fallen behind, which in our case is our love life. Have you started dating again xXx Edited April 13, 2017 by allybaba789 . Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I wouldn't say that you will forget him in the literal sense, but you will forget to think about him. Occasionally a memory may surface or you might see something which makes you think of him, but it will get less and less often over time until the point where it rarely happens. It does get better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gillys Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 My situation is very similar and I am a similar age to you and recently had my 'first love' and first heartbreak (and I hope my last). My ex and I didn't end on bad terms, he just didn't want a serious relationship and it ended quite abruptly. Some days are fine, others I find myself fantasizing about happy moments we shared together. Everything reminds me of him - I have over 50 reminders a day and it was my first love also. I'm at a point in my life where the main thing I am missing is a partner to share it with. I have come to the realization that I will not fully get over him until I am genuinely happy with someone else. I think this happens as you get older and the rest of your life slots into place and it shines a light on the areas that have fallen behind, which in our case is our love life. Have you started dating again xXx Sorry about your relationship ending abruptly as well. We do seem to have similar experiences especially with the push/pull post breakup. You're probably right, I definitely feel behind with most of my friends and siblings, "relationship wise" I tried dating twice after my ex told me about their new partner. I was still very hurt at the time. Anyway my ex found out I was dating and all of a sudden started being extremely flirty with me again (hands all over me constantly, suggestive text, talking about a future again, etc.). I was naive and let myself get strung along with a push/pull cycle for several months after the breakup. I felt like I kept getting my heart broken repeatedly. I let the pain affect me so much that I didn't properly focus on my professional exams after I finished grad school last summer and barely failed my licensure test. Thus I couldn't work for several months until I was eligible to take my exams again. After having to put my career on hold for 6 months, I have just been focusing on myself. For me personally, I knew I wasn't ready to date when I felt like a failure in my love and professional life. yet on the other side, I know I need to date again to get a better model for love. Since my last contact with my ex, I have been focusing on things to boost myself esteem (NC, gym, hobbies, and my new job) so I can be ready to date again when the time is right. Unfortunately a lot of "my self help regimen" involves me doing activities alone so I do find myself lonely at times. Link to post Share on other sites
EmilyJane Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Like forget their names? No. But you cease to romanticise your memories of them And honestly you cease to care much of anything about them. Mine was ages 13-17 on and off who grew into a disaster of a human being who married a stripper about a decade later and told me recently reminded him of how he felt about me as a teenager ( ??? I'm a damn well educated emotionally mature woman with self respect thank you very much for the comparison) and thst I'm completely ashamed to have ever been involved with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gillys Posted April 17, 2017 Author Share Posted April 17, 2017 Man I feel like I took a giant step back over weekend. I’m living in hotels for 5 weeks while I train in a different city for my new job. I couldn’t travel home for the holiday weekend and was incredibly lonely. All of the break up pain resurfaced and I just broke down/cried several times. Not the mention, around this time last year is when my ex told me about their new partner in a rather rude way. (We hadn’t seen each other in 2 months…I was asked to come over [me being naive, thought we were going to talk about working on us], then I was told “I met someone online, we’ve been talking for awhile. I felt like I needed to tell you since I’ve kept it a secret for so long and I’m flying to their city next month to meet”) I wish healing was linear…these set backs suck. On a positive note, I didn’t break NC or look up my ex online over the weekend which I would have done if this had happened months ago. (I know its probably lame but I've been trying to keep tally of my NC days and setting little goals to meet 150 days, 6 months etc.). After reading post on LS, I’m prepared for this healing process to take several more months-years to get to the sweet spot of indifference. I'm considering signing up for some races or an adult sports league so I can put purpose into my exercise routine and to keep my mind off things while I'm alone over the next month. Link to post Share on other sites
Littlebird95 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 It took me about 10 months - a year to get over my 1st love. We were together from 15 to 20, faced long distance for half of it, then it fell appart when I came back and it was no more a long distance relationship. However, this doesnt mean I have forget about her yet. But I found someone else (who broke up with me 5 weeks ago) that was kinda the same style as her, but with less flaws, and from the moment I met this one, I never actually felt any pain or any desire to reconnect with my 1st love. I admit that during a full year I had daily thoughts of her (and still have 2 years later), but not in a romantic way. Kinda special as I was so sure I would never be able to get her out of my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
vickyp Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 No I never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gillys Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I have a lot to be thankful for and have made some positive changes since my heart was ripped out over a year ago. I’m starting work in a new location and will be moving into a new place soon that is closer to my family in order to continue my healing. Most importantly, I haven’t spoken to my ex in over 7 months. My problem is that I still feel broken. I’m finding ever since the breakup, despite much improvement, I still question most of my decisions and minor setbacks hit me hard. I feel lately when something goes wrong, no matter how little, I can somehow associate it with the post break up feelings. Even though they aren’t related at all, my confidence just takes a huge hit and I feel like a failure after every mistake for a few minutes to days. Before the breakup I felt like I had grit, I could easily bounce back from difficult situations. But now, even after a year post BU, things just feel off and I don’t know how to fix this. When things are going great, its easy to put situations into perspective, find solutions and continue the healing process. But I feel like these feelings that I have with minor setbacks are unhealthy. I’m starting work in a new location in a few weeks where it will be natural to make mistakes as the learning curve is steep. I’m terrified that during this period, I wont be able to control my emotions and start beating myself up over minor things. Sorry just needed to vent and write some things down. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I think what "forget" will mean is determined by how the relationship ended, whether you were OK with that or not, etc. I will never forget my first love, which was many, many, many years ago. But I always remembered it with fondness and I'd say yes, that it was the "blueprint of all of my future relationships," but in a good/positive way (that I did not always listen to), not in a bad way. We were great friends and had a great relationship and amicable breakup (due to going LDR). I actually had two loves like that. I'm friends with both of them on Facebook and really enjoy seeing their families, pics of their kids, etc. So, to sum up my opinion .....whether a love is a first love or a 15th love, it is much easier to get over if it was healthy and ended well. If it wasn't healthy and didn't end well....well, it's harder and takes longer to get over. But, as they say, time heals. So does no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha.Leo Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 My therapist told me that the reason a first love stings so much is because they are the blueprint of what you know about relationships. I kind of agree with this statement. Simply because of what I am going through right now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/632027-i-m-not-coping Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 The first love is intense and impossible to forget. But the pain goes away with time until all you remember are golden memories. Have faith. You'll be fine with time if you force yourself from dwelling on her. Have you ever tried the rubber band trick? Wear a rubber band around your wrist and every time she intrudes on your thoughts, snap it hard enough so you get a little jolt of pain. This might help to recondition your brain. Link to post Share on other sites
abandoned386 Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 Lately I've been wondering if people ever truly get over their first love....honestly I'm not sure what qualifies for "getting over" as well. My first love/ex left me nearly 13 months ago. We haven't spoken in over 5 months when I initiated no contact. Since which, I have felt a huge improvement (very rare that I spend hours a day analyzing the breakup, I accepted we will never reunite and perhaps never speak again and that I ultimately lost my best friend). Our mutual friends and family know not to mention my ex around me. I feel like I've made huge improvements professionally as well (passing professional licensure exam, started a new job and continue to get plenty of lucrative PRN offers as well to further my skills and career). Most importantly I have grown extremely close to my siblings, cousins and old childhood friends while going through this which I am truly grateful for. However, some days (like yesterday) I catch myself thinking about a great memory of the past, something awful said to me during the break up or something funny happening and wishing I could text my ex to share the story. I still often even dream about my ex anywhere from getting an apology, to telling my ex off, making love, to us reuniting, to my ex meeting me to tell me about their new marriage/family 3 years from now and me being happy. I can't even remember the names of some of the people I dated in my early and mid 20s but cant go a full week without thinking about my ex still. Is it normal to still have thoughts of your first love even months after the relationship ended? This was my first experience with love and true heart ache. I don't think I'll ever get over mine.. She left me 9 years ago.. I still remember her like it was yesterday. I often think I'll never again feel a love like I felt with her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha.Leo Posted August 11, 2017 Share Posted August 11, 2017 I kind of agree with this statement. Simply because of what I am going through right now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/632027-i-m-not-coping Sorry, wrong link. It's this one. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/631968-15-years-later Link to post Share on other sites
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