dont know how to get through this

[imessedup0121]

Me and my girlfriend were together for just over 2 years, we met when i was 20 and she was 18, i am now 23 and she is 21. I met her because she came to university in my home town, for the first year (of her uni) we saw each other all the time (4 times a week), the second year it went to once a week due to her being busy, and this year the third year (of her uni) we started to only see eacother every 2-3 weeks even though she only lived 10 minutes away. i made so much effort to see her only if it was to go over for 30 minutes and bring her dinner but she always declined saying that she was too busy. phone calls got shorter when we spoke it was like she had nothing to say, i use to tell myself to ignore it, don't argue she's stressed just let her be and support her through this, if i did bring anything up she wouldn't listen or talk about anything with me. i thought she didn't love me anymore all the signs were there but i tried to ignore them but she seemed so distant. i would of never of broken up with her because i loved her too much and i was holding out for the summer until all of her studies were over. i said this too her and she said to me "yeah but you know ill be working at the bar again so we wont see each other that much"

 

I cheated, yeah i did the worse thing ever, i was drunk i know that isn't an excuse but i thought i should mention it, i wasn't myself that night, i don't even really remember it, i cannot believe that i have done it, let alone done it to her, before it happened we had just had an argument and she hadn't shown me any love in weeks. this opportunity arose and stupid drunk me obviously thought that it was a good idea. i didn't know who i was that night i was completely gone, i wasn't a functioning person.

 

i told her straight away, initially she cried, i thought that she was going to hit me, then i broke down crying telling her i don't know why i did it, that i cant live without her, and then things got weird, she started to console me, she hugged me, told me everything would be okay and that i would find someone else. i was so confused by her reaction, why didn't she hit me? why didn't she kick me out? i was there for an hour and a half.

 

we went no contact for 6 weeks until i broke, i had to tell her how sorry i was, i wrote a soppy text telling her how much she meant to me how sorry i was and how i was feeling etc. she responded but with not many words. The next night my friends took me out clubbing to try and make me happy, everything was good until 2am when i bumped into her in the club! she ran off from me, we later saw each other outside and she shouted and teared into me for about an hour, i broke down didn't know what to do, then she started to come round and we spoke as if we were friends again, i walked her home and she consoled me told me ill be okay and that "we wont be strangers forever" . the next morning i went to see her as i wanted to talk when neither of us were drunk, things were okay again we consoled each other, i told her that i didn't think she loved me anymore etc and she said that she did that she was just busy, she said that she thought that i would of moved away with her, but in the 2 years we were together she never mentioned this and i gave her so many opportunities to do so, she never made me feel like we would of been together forever, i think shes saying it all now to mess with my head.

 

its now 2 months on and things are getting worse for me, i think about her 24/7 i realise that i have lost the love of my life. i keep imagining that stupid night in my head, things could of gone so differently it should never of happened, i keep playing out different scenarios and pretending that were still together and that everything now would be fine i just cant stop it its driving me mad. i've lost my love i've lost my best friend. we had a holiday planned with her parents in the summer and i keep thinking that i'm still going, i want to go so badly and i cant stop myself from imagining being there with them all. i am imagining being in the hire car with the love of my life singing songs and everything being okay on our beautiful holiday together, i am living my life as if i am still with her, i cannot accept that i am no longer with her and that i have messed it up in such a bad way.

 

i am not myself i feel so alone, i am normally someone who prefers to be alone, i live with my parents and i use to spend my time in my room doing my own things but now i cannot be alone, i cant even spend 5 minutes by myself, if no one is in my house then i have to go around to my sisters. i have started to have panic attacks/nervous/mental breakdowns. i had one on Tuesday morning and ended up texting her telling her that i can't function without her and to take me back, she text me back saying she's fine without me and get the F**k over it.

 

i really just don't know how i am going to get through this, my future seems so bleak, i cannot see myself being happy again. i don't enjoy anything anymore. i cannot believe that i have done it and done it to her. i don't think i am capable of loving again. i don't know how i messed things up with the person i loved and the person i would do anything for. i keep thinking that i can turn back time and make things right. It should never of happened i wish i could go back to that night and change everything. i don't know what to do.

 

I know i have caused this, i know its my fault please be kind in your comments i know what i have done.

[DMBA11]

Listen - you did this to yourself. You know that! You have to give her time to miss you and to think of what you may have had. Maybe it's enough for her to come back and maybe it's not. But being needy around her will only driver her away. Trust me I know from my own experience.

 

It's hard moving on especially when we made a mistake or many mistakes. Yet you will move on if you face up to what made you cheat on her in the first place. It's very hard to face ourselves in a mirror. But until you do, you cant be better for her or anyone else you may meet in the future.

 

I wish you all the best

[d0nnivain]

You are in the acute stages of grief. You lost something precious. Even if your cheating was the straw that broke the camel's back, your relationship was fading away before that. You were headed for a break up; your cheating just made it more dramatic.

 

 

Do mourn the loss of something that was precious to you. Learn the lessons you are supposed to learn from this. Keep busy & surround yourself with positive supportive people.

 

 

In time the hurt will fade & you will love again. Your future is still out there; it's just hard to see at this moment but don't give up on yourself.

[imessedup0121]

Its almost been 3 months and i am not feeling any better, im trying to take everyday as it comes but i am so unhappy without her. i dont find anything in life exciting anymore all of my confidence has gone, i have complelety lost who i am and i dont know how i am going to find out who i am again, i just cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am having 24/7 obsessive thoughts about her, i am just about content when i go to sleep but wake up 4 hours later and it hits me like a brick wall again and then i cannot sleep. i just cant see a future for myself anymore, i wouldn't do anything stupid but everyday it comes into my mind more that there is an easy way out from all of this.

 

we went NC for 6 weeks until i broke it and then ran into each other, i broke it again 2 weeks after that asking for her back but that really didn't go very well. its now been another 2 weeks of NC and i don't plan on breaking it i will stay strong. however i am writing a letter, not necessarily for her but all of my thought down, i hope to write it and say to myself that's it now move on you cannot think about this anymore does anyone think this is a good idea? I maybe seeing her July time because she needs to give me something back then and i am thinking off possibly giving her the letter just so she knows how i feel but if i intend to give it to her i dont know if i will just be holding on until i know shes got it, i dont care if she reads it or not i just feel like she needs to know how i feel.