My NC Diary

[Kitchen]

I thought I'd start this thread to 1) vent, 2) ask questions, 3) get support, 4) inspire others. I'm on day 2 NC, well day 1 if you count a text saying "I understand, no worries" that I sent to the woman yesterday (more on that later).

 

I posted my situation in this thread a few weeks ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/615899-dating-22y-girl-perplexed

 

Wanted to start a new thread, mainly for my benefit, to symbolize a clean slate, fresh start, etc. To summarize - I'm 29m, and met a 22f a couple months ago. Those couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster. We had planned on doing a day hiking trip last Wed, which I cancelled 2 days before as something important work related came up. I rescheduled with her for yesterday, which she cancelled 8 hours prior to our meet time, with a half assed excuse.

 

Given that it was already iffy with her, I decided it's time to cut her off. Normally I'd give a 2nd chance, but not here. After her cancellation I replied saying "I understand, no worries" and promptly deleted her phone history from my phone. If I wanted to contact her again, I'd have to log onto my Verizon account and browse my phone call history.

 

Anyway, I'll explain my feelings here. It was a short thing, so it certainly doesn't feel like a super awful breakup or anything like that. The ****ty feeling is less so about missing her and more so disappointment and discouragement that another one got away. My last girlfriend and I broke up 3.5 years ago, and this is peanuts compared to the mess I was back then. I've dated many women since, but this is the first one I really liked. And to come back to square one, it really sucks.

 

Almost 4 years without a serious relationship at age of 29? You can imagine all the self doubt I feel. I know how to meet women and go on dates. Like I said, I must have gone out with 20 different women in the past 4 years. And to be honest, most of them I am the one who loses interest. In rare cases, it's the other way around.

 

But I know exactly what I want. I don't think I can have a more precise idea of exactly the type of personality that tickles my fancy. Maybe I'm being too selective? The issue is when I am not attracted initially, or by the end of the first date, I just know myself enough that I won't ever be attracted.

 

And besides, what's the fun if you don't feel the butterflies in the beginning? I don't want to date for the sake of dating. I don't want to settle. I'd rather end up alone than not be attracted to my partner. I demand the exciting feeling. I do see people settle left and right, all around me, but I just don't get it, and I know it's not for me.

 

Part of what is making this NC so difficult, actually the major reason why it's so difficult, is because my closest friends are all in different parts of their lives. One of them just got married and bought a house - hardly hear from him. The other one is madly in love, lives with his gf, and is even worse than the first one in terms of keeping in touch. A third one just got promoted and is working 70 hour weeks. Two of my friends I had a falling out with.

 

To make matters worse, I just finished my Medical training, which is great - except I currently have nothing to do until July when Residency starts. I have trips planned, but again, it's not with any of my close friends. It's so lonely out there. Ending it with this girl just magnifies the situation. I feel such an awful awful emptiness inside. And this is a big reason why I set up this thread. It's because I simply don't have people available to talk to, only strangers such as you fine folks.

 

I'll continue updating this daily, will try to describe my emotions and day to day in more detail to serve as an inspiration for future readers. And at the same time, any questions, kind words, tips, anything would be great.

 

You guys are my best friends, drinking buddies, whatever you want to call it, to help carry me through this lonely period.

[DontBreakEven]

awe hi.

 

I completely understand where you're at. 34 over here and my friends are all shacked up. I even miss out on invites for vacations or even dinners because they are couples affairs.

 

I feel the same way right now. I have to go NC from a potential, and it's almost as hard as a break up because the disappointment of potential at this point in my life is just as excruciating as anything else. I get it. I also get the awful, awful loneliness.

[Kitchen]

Day 3 NC -

 

No improvement in how I feel since yesterday. Have a phone date scheduled with a girl from the other side of the country tonight, wish me luck.

 

My best friend (the one in love who rarely keeps in touch) told me he'll be moving to another state, far away. I was a little sad but realize that he checked out (for the most part) from the friendship a while ago when he started dating his current gf. So maybe this move will just solidify the end of our best friendship.

 

Life sucks all alone. I'm a f**king doctor for Christ's sake. I've accomplished a lot. I don't do drugs, I stay healthy. I'm smart, I can save money. I'm kind hearted, caring. I have a loving family. Yet nothingness is what I feel now.

[Kitchen]

Day 4 NC -

 

Some improvement today.

1) Finally got back to the gym after like 3 weeks.

2) Read a good portion of my daily newspaper this morning, for the first time in a while.

3) Made a pot of coffee for the first time in over a week.

4) Didn't take a nap this afternoon.

 

Trying to make weekend plans with my married friend who just bought a house. He has family visiting. Going to ask him if I can join in with them. I know everyone in his family and they're all nice, hope he doesn't mind.

[Kitchen]

awe hi.

 

I completely understand where you're at. 34 over here and my friends are all shacked up. I even miss out on invites for vacations or even dinners because they are couples affairs.

 

I feel the same way right now. I have to go NC from a potential, and it's almost as hard as a break up because the disappointment of potential at this point in my life is just as excruciating as anything else. I get it. I also get the awful, awful loneliness.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Kitchen]

Day 5 NC -

 

Actually regressed a little today . I think it's because the weekend is coming up and I was holding out hope that she'd contact me.

 

Also, I have ZERO weekend plans. All my friends are too busy. My one best friend - the one in love, the one who may move, has no plans all weekend - nonetheless he says he wants to just sit around at home with his gf, and be alone.

 

I'm thinking that if I wasn't so lonely, getting over her would be easier, but unfortunately my life is a cluster f**k right now. All, literally ALL of my friends are too busy for me. And it's not like I have been like this my whole life. I'm a very outgoing, extroverted guy. But I have simply lost everyone.

 

Thinking about getting a therapist. It's really not about the girl but just my situation in life. I'm 30 for Christ's sake, and all I want is some stability. I just want someone to come home to. I just want my group of guys to meet up for drinks on a weekly basis. That's all I want. That's all.

 

I think I'd rather be recovering from a massive breakup while having my full social circle around me, rather than dealing with this emptiness, just staring into the abyss. It's like I'm in a tunnel, and it's dark all around me. I'm in the middle of the ocean and can't see the coastline anywhere. I'm at a point where I literally refresh LoveShack multiple times a day to look for responses to threads I'm following.

 

Looking for responses from complete strangers - how absurd.

 

Once again I'm telling you I am not like this normally - it's just the way the cards in my life have played out recently.

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

So sorry for the pain your going thru. Hugs.

 

Don't make up excuses for how you feel, just own it. You're going thru these emotions.... all perfectly normal for when a relationship ends. You have to feel the pain for healing to occur. Glad you're going to the gym! Keep it up!

 

Also it's definitely not absurd that you're on LS! Sometimes we all need a little help.... you're learning, you're growing. That's what's important!

 

Even though u don't have a big group of friends around you now... plz know you're not alone! You've got this!

 

Good luck my friend!

[marie25]

First off, I want to say that I was also in similar shoes in that I dealt with a breakup with not a lot of support. I would highly recommend a therapist - mine made me feel comfortable with the solitude rather than drowning in the silent loneliness.

 

Also, keep saying it as a mantra: this will pass, this will pass. This empty pit in my stomach due to this breakup during week one of NC? It's going to be so much lighter in a few short months. This pain of loneliness? I will put myself out there more and soon friendships will follow suit into my lap, in due time.

 

It's important to keep in mind that you are all that you need at this point. People come and go, but stay centered on your own self growth. Gym, new interests, join some social club or athletic team, etc. Get out there and learn some new stuff. Meditate and recognize that we won't always have friends or girlfriends around in life and it's okay. It's all in a flux

[BryanSmiley]

Day 5 NC -

 

Actually regressed a little today . I think it's because the weekend is coming up and I was holding out hope that she'd contact me.

 

Also, I have ZERO weekend plans. All my friends are too busy. My one best friend - the one in love, the one who may move, has no plans all weekend - nonetheless he says he wants to just sit around at home with his gf, and be alone.

 

I'm thinking that if I wasn't so lonely, getting over her would be easier, but unfortunately my life is a cluster f**k right now. All, literally ALL of my friends are too busy for me. And it's not like I have been like this my whole life. I'm a very outgoing, extroverted guy. But I have simply lost everyone.

 

Thinking about getting a therapist. It's really not about the girl but just my situation in life. I'm 30 for Christ's sake, and all I want is some stability. I just want someone to come home to. I just want my group of guys to meet up for drinks on a weekly basis. That's all I want. That's all.

 

I think I'd rather be recovering from a massive breakup while having my full social circle around me, rather than dealing with this emptiness, just staring into the abyss. It's like I'm in a tunnel, and it's dark all around me. I'm in the middle of the ocean and can't see the coastline anywhere. I'm at a point where I literally refresh LoveShack multiple times a day to look for responses to threads I'm following.

 

Looking for responses from complete strangers - how absurd.

 

Once again I'm telling you I am not like this normally - it's just the way the cards in my life have played out recently.

 

Kitchen, I hear you over here. You're not alone in this situation and you sound like in many ways you are keeping a healthy view, almost poking some fun at your situation (I sense, which is healthy).

 

I've found myself in a similar situation. Moved area, always felt slightly away from home and friends but had enough to tide me over. I was dating someone on/off from work for 5 months and bought a house on my own. The relationship was giving me some solace and stability, something to look forward to building on.

 

The relationship hit the rails as she's pretty unstable, and it's put me 10 steps back. I had occasional periods of loneliness the past year but this has really shook me and left me feeling alone, without enough friend circles to fall on. It's a difficult age in some respects your 30's, because you feel the pressure to be all grown up, stable, with a partner, friends. But it only takes a couple of components to unsettle and you feel like, how have I found myself here? To top it off a lot of friends are in relationships as you say, and some of mine are also moving away. It does suck.

 

I have plans this weekend but my friend, I still feel alone and disconnected, and wonder when the next empty weekend will arise. Give it time, one positive step at a time.

 

Keep on keeping on. Try to think up some social things your friends are more likely to be up for. Focus on or start a new hobby, sport, you may meet people there. I think you have an underlying positiveness there and you'll come through this period okay!!