My Girlfriend left me to get married.

[solidfwa]

Can someone please help me I am devastated right now.

 

I met my gf almost 8 years a go and got on with her straight away. But from day one she made it clear she will be getting married one day to someone of her own cast and race due to family requirements. Like an idiot at the time I didn't care and we were together almost 24/7. I fell deep in love with her and she to with me (So she said). We were inseparable. But now has come the time for her to get married. She is from a religious background and is getting an arranged marriage. I am absolutely crushed and devastated. I miss her so much it's killing me. She's currently gone to her country of origin and is getting ready to wed. With that being bad enough, the guy she's marrying is suddenly becoming an interest to her. She started talking to him while she was still with me and now says she's starting to like him. In the last 4 months she's been talking to him, and distancing herself from me. She no longer needs me emotionally and doesn't care about my feelings. She says that I made her feel beautiful and special and she will never forget me, but its time to let go.

What hurts me the most is that she doesn't even look sad, she is happy about getting married and doesn't seem to care she's leaving me. This makes me feel like I was just being used the last 8 years to fill a void of loneliness. I meant nothing to her and she never loved me, or she would surely be sad about having to marry him over me right? To add more to my misery, when I asked her who she would marry after getting to know the guy for the 4 months me or him, if she had the choice and her family were ok with it, she said she is doesn't know. Which I take as her trying to not hurt my feelings, but she would obviously choose him or she would have said my name, and this is after being with me for 8 years! I feel crushed and worthless, how can she not even show a slight bit of sadness?

 

All I want to know is do you think she still loves me or ever did love me?, or was she using me to pass time till she got married?. Her parents are extremely strict and would disown her if she married me, so I wouldn't pressure her in any way. But the sad thing is she said once she asked them, and they said no, but I feel like she was lying to me, she just got bored of me and moved onto the next. Also how can she not be sure who she would marry after being 8 years with me and only talking to him for 4 months, while still being with me. Was I that forgettable? I treated her right and made her feel like a princess. This just kills me and makes me feel insecure and not good enough for anyone, cause I put 100% of effort into her.

 

I know I have to let her go, but she keeps telling me she still wants me in her life as a friend.

Please help me, this is driving me mad and I feel like my life has lost all meaning without her.

[d0nnivain]

If she was with your for 8 years I think she must have had some feelings for you but she always knew her duty & her future lay elsewhere. Part of that means you were a diversion to pass the time.

 

I am so sorry you are devastated but if her family is as religious & strict as you say all you can do is let her go.

[magnesium]

I hate to add salt to the wound, but chances are high that she was doing the same thing to other guys and leading them along as well during your 8 years together. You stayed for 8 years, but I can tell you there were probably other guys who came in and out of her life multiple times during that time.

 

I am familiar with the culture of arranged marriages and such, and lots of girls (and guys for that matter), while they are single, string along many men (or women) at once all up until their parents decide who they have to marry.

 

And she doesn't think she did anything wrong because she really doesn't understand the impact of what she did too you. In her mind, she knew she would just get hitched to some random person her family decides, so she might as well have fun while single. You were her friend this entire time. Any other guy she met was also her friend. Thats it.

 

What their parents say is the law, because it's not just their parents, but its all their extended relatives and such.

 

I'm not defending her at all, I think it is horrible what happened to you. I'm just trying to get you to understand how these people, people like her, think.

Edited March 15, 2017 by magnesium

[solidfwa]

If she was with your for 8 years I think she must have had some feelings for you but she always knew her duty & her future lay elsewhere. Part of that means you were a diversion to pass the time.

 

I am so sorry you are devastated but if her family is as religious & strict as you say all you can do is let her go.

 

Deep down I know I was just someone to past the time. When we first started talking, she did not want any kind of relationship, she just needed someone to talk to. I was a good listener and was there for her whenever she needed and that progressed our relationship further and further. I just ignored the inevitable future. I know I was used because she's gotten over me so fast, she doesn't seem sad at all. In the last week of her leaving she kept going on about her wedding dress, her mehndi etc, showing no sympathy towards my feelings. She didn't care about us or how I felt, for example if I asked her if she loved me anymore, she got mad and tried to dodge the question every time.

 

I hate to add salt to the wound, but chances are high that she was doing the same thing to other guys and leading them along as well during your 8 years together. You stayed for 8 years, but I can tell you there were probably other guys who came in and out of her life multiple times during that time.

 

I am familiar with the culture of arranged marriages and such, and lots of girls (and guys for that matter), while they are single, string along many men (or women) at once all up until their parents decide who they have to marry.

 

And she doesn't think she did anything wrong because she really doesn't understand the impact of what she did too you. In her mind, she knew she would just get hitched to some random person her family decides, so she might as well have fun while single. You were her friend this entire time. Any other guy she met was also her friend. Thats it.

 

What their parents say is the law, because it's not just their parents, but its all their extended relatives and such.

 

I'm not defending her at all, I think it is horrible what happened to you. I'm just trying to get you to understand how these people, people like her, think.

 

No way, the amount of time we spent together, there's no way she could have had other guys, we talked everyday and she freely told me were she goes and who she see's. She wouldn't just go with any guy, I had to build the trust in her. Also after work we would see each other for a few hours, or go home and get straight on Skype and stay on that till morning, when we would have to go work again. and it was like this for the last 8 years, so I'm finding myself really lonely and no best friend to talk to me. She was my life, everything I did revolved around her and now I don't feel like waking up in the mornings cause she's not there and life feels so empty with no purpose. I hate this feeling, it will never go away.

Edited March 15, 2017 by solidfwa

[d0nnivain]

When you asked if she loved you, she got mad & dodged the Q because it's an unfair Q. Hers is not a culture where love matters. The arranged marriage wins. Even if you made her admit the painful to her truth that she loved you, you would simply be causing her more pain because she's still going to do what is expected of her and marry the guy from her caste that her parents' chose. She's holding her own sanity together by focusing on obligation not love. As much as it pains you, give her this small comfort.

 

 

Now get on with the business of healing & finding yourself a GF who is free to date / marry you.

[Sweetfish]

Sounds like she loved you conditionally. Meaning under certain conditions she cared for you and now you don't meet those conditions so she may not be in love with you anymore. You went into this relationship and she told you straight out what was going to happen and instead for your own benefit you invested in a relationship you knew ALL the time she wasnt full invested... for 8 years you didn't execerise your strength in the relationship...

 

In 8 years what did you do for your self??? That is the key to why you felt used.... because for 8 years you could have invested a lot of time into you... but did you... or did you spent all your time and resources on her.

 

I want to point it out for shock factor... to get into gear... I know your hurt... but nobody here can say not one thing to fix it... no one her has a magic pill or potion to fix this situation... but what we can do is give you the tools and direction to heal. Maybe gain your self worth back.

 

You need to cut your losses now. Cry, get angry, crawl into your room and sleep...whatever you want to do.. she loved you...but there was a bigger picture and you refused to see it.

 

You first bullet was making her your life... your meaning... no relationship in my opinion should be like this... but to each own.

[mightycpa]

She's clearly stronger than you are. Mazel Tov! This lesson may teach you that when it comes to love, you MUST LISTEN to the things they say.

[Tayla]

Sorry to read of this scenario. Your heart must be hurting...

 

Been down that path...What a harsh life lesson...

 

....It will be for her.

 

May you heal from this...

 

For her sadly..She is condemned to misery...

[Whodatdog]

You said she told you from day one that she would be marrying someone else. So the handwriting was on the wall, it was up to you to decide to keep seeing her or not. Im sorry you are feeling so badly now.

[elaine567]

I guess you thought if she loved you enough she would never go off and marry someone else. She told you about the arranged marriage yes, but she was in your mind never going to do it, not really.

But that is the Western way of thinking, "Love conquers all", but for her she was deadly serious and her religion/culture had her life all mapped out for her.

She is happy as she knew all along that this was her destiny.

 

You, like many others have done and will do in the future, made a bad mistake.

You cannot beat such religious/cultural beliefs with "love".

[Gillys]

I was in a similar position as you. I'm bi and so was my ex. Even though her family is super religious she is an atheist and her family was always mean to her due to this (according to her).

Anyway she pursued me very heavily while we were friends. When I mentioned her family disapproving of any potential relationship with me (a non Muslim and girl) during her pursuit she straight up told me "I'm not religious, I have no desire to marry another Muslim, so my parents are going to disown me anyway. I've came to terms with that years ago and have never dated anyone they would approve of." After months of reluctance, I finally gave in and fell in love very slowly as I had my guard up. She was in love by month 3.

 

After over a year I was head over heels for her as well. she was planning which state she wanted us to live in after we finish grad school, asking me about kids, etc.

 

What happens...she goes and tells her cousins about me after visiting family and they tell her to break up with me. 5 days later, I got dumped through a f'in text. We remained friends with bennies for a month. Then she tells me not to visit her for 2 months while she is away on an internship for school. She would text me every 3 days or so saying how sad she was about ending things and how she was upset for hurting me and how she missed me. When she finally gets back in town, I go over and she tells me she met a guy online through a religious dating website. (But of course still wanted me as her best friend, ha!) I had to go through 2 months of her gushing over this guy and then she arranged to move to his state after graduation after only meeting him in person once! She then proceeds to tell me she never said she loved me (when I said you told me you loved me all the time....her response "well it must have been conditional then." ouch.) A month before she moves to be with him for good, she started sending me flirty text. The next week she starts telling me she wants marry this guy (and lose her family for him, as he is from a different sect than her family), the next week flirting again. She begged me to go to her going away dinner, there I had to hear her brag about how wonderful the new guy is to all of our mutual friends (this is after she insist that I sit beside her). After that night I blocked her number and never looked back. Over 120 days NC and I feel a little better each day.

 

So my advice, don't be friends it's going to hurt like hell to have her suddenly fall in love with everything she said she hated in your relationship. Plus you'll question all of your time together with her.

 

Your girl was at least upfront. Mine strung me along for years for her own amusement and played me.

Don't be friends cause she'll just lead you on with breadcrumbs when she starts to second guess things with her new guy, then push you way with the cruelest words.

NC and heal my friend. I know it's hard but it's all you can do at this point to save your dignity. Trust me

[Gillys]

Just joined the site to reply to you. My previous response didn’t load so sorry if you get a double post.

 

Was in a similar position as you. I'm bi and so was my ex. Even though her family is super religious she is an atheist and her family was always verbally abusive to her due to this.

 

Anyway she pursued me very heavily while we were friends. When I mentioned her family disapproving of any potential relationship with me (a non Muslim and girl) during her pursuit she straight up told me "I'm not religious, I have no desire to marry another Muslim, so my parents are going to disown me anyway. I've came to terms with that years ago and have never dated anyone they would approve of." After months of reluctance, I finally gave in and fell in love very slowly as I had my guard up. After over a year, she told a few family members about me and I was dumped via text 5 days later. Was kept around as an friends w/ bennies for a while. But ultimately, while she was telling me how much she missed me and how hard the break up was she was on a religious website finding a new partner. But of course still wanted to remain friends when she revealed this info to me.

 

I had to go through 2 months of her gushing over this guy and then she arranged to move to his state after only meeting him in person once! She then proceeds to tell me she never said she loved me (when I said you told me you loved me all the time....her response "well it must have been conditional"…. ouch.) A month before she moves to be with him for good, she started sending me flirty text. The next week, she tells me that she wants marry this guy (and lose her family for him, as he is from a different religious sect than her family), the next week flirting again. She begged me to go to her going away dinner, there I had to hear her brag about how wonderful the new guy is to all of our mutual friends (this is after she insisted that I sit beside her). After that night, I blocked her number and never looked back. Over 120 days NC and I have been feeling a little better each day.

 

So my advice, don't be friends it's going to hurt like hell to have her suddenly fall in love with a complete stranger. Plus you'll question all of your time together with her.

 

Your girl was at least upfront. Mine strung me along for years for her own amusement.

Don't be friends because she'll just lead you on with breadcrumbs when she starts to second guess things with her new guy, then push you away with the cruelest words.

 

NC and heal my friend. I know it sucks but there is nothing you can do in these situations.

Edited March 17, 2017 by Gillys

[solidfwa]

When you asked if she loved you, she got mad & dodged the Q because it's an unfair Q. Hers is not a culture where love matters. The arranged marriage wins. Even if you made her admit the painful to her truth that she loved you, you would simply be causing her more pain because she's still going to do what is expected of her and marry the guy from her caste that her parents' chose. She's holding her own sanity together by focusing on obligation not love. As much as it pains you, give her this small comfort.

 

 

Now get on with the business of healing & finding yourself a GF who is free to date / marry you.

 

I don’t believe that is an unfair question. What’s unfair is how this new guy who she’s supposedly known for less than 4 months has somehow more importance in her life than me. Me whose been there for her whenever she needed. I have never let her down, whatever problem she had I was there for her, and she's simply walked of and left me like I was nothing to her.

I even tried to message her the other day and she said bluntly to not message her and she’ll message me when she's free, and I still haven’t heard back from her. This just kills me because it makes me think she was using me emotionally and no longer needs me cause she’s got him now.

 

 

How can she fall out love with me just like that? how can she not miss me? Whats wrong with me?

[solidfwa]

She's clearly stronger than you are. Mazel Tov! This lesson may teach you that when it comes to love, you MUST LISTEN to the things they say.

 

How is she stronger than me? She’s the one who left me and was to scared to lose her family. If I was in her position I would pick her 100%.

[solidfwa]

Sorry to read of this scenario. Your heart must be hurting...

 

Been down that path...What a harsh life lesson...

 

....It will be for her.

 

May you heal from this...

 

For her sadly..She is condemned to misery...

 

You have it all wrong, she’s not getting a forced marriage, she’s getting an arranged marriage, which she agreed to. She chose him over me.The sad thing is if she had the choice between me and him, she still doesn't know who she would pick according to her. She just used me.

[solidfwa]

I was in a similar position as you. I'm bi and so was my ex. Even though her family is super religious she is an atheist and her family was always mean to her due to this (according to her).

Anyway she pursued me very heavily while we were friends. When I mentioned her family disapproving of any potential relationship with me (a non Muslim and girl) during her pursuit she straight up told me "I'm not religious, I have no desire to marry another Muslim, so my parents are going to disown me anyway. I've came to terms with that years ago and have never dated anyone they would approve of." After months of reluctance, I finally gave in and fell in love very slowly as I had my guard up. She was in love by month 3.

 

After over a year I was head over heels for her as well. she was planning which state she wanted us to live in after we finish grad school, asking me about kids, etc.

 

What happens...she goes and tells her cousins about me after visiting family and they tell her to break up with me. 5 days later, I got dumped through a f'in text. We remained friends with bennies for a month. Then she tells me not to visit her for 2 months while she is away on an internship for school. She would text me every 3 days or so saying how sad she was about ending things and how she was upset for hurting me and how she missed me. When she finally gets back in town, I go over and she tells me she met a guy online through a religious dating website. (But of course still wanted me as her best friend, ha!) I had to go through 2 months of her gushing over this guy and then she arranged to move to his state after graduation after only meeting him in person once! She then proceeds to tell me she never said she loved me (when I said you told me you loved me all the time....her response "well it must have been conditional then." ouch.) A month before she moves to be with him for good, she started sending me flirty text. The next week she starts telling me she wants marry this guy (and lose her family for him, as he is from a different sect than her family), the next week flirting again. She begged me to go to her going away dinner, there I had to hear her brag about how wonderful the new guy is to all of our mutual friends (this is after she insist that I sit beside her). After that night I blocked her number and never looked back. Over 120 days NC and I feel a little better each day.

 

So my advice, don't be friends it's going to hurt like hell to have her suddenly fall in love with everything she said she hated in your relationship. Plus you'll question all of your time together with her.

 

Your girl was at least upfront. Mine strung me along for years for her own amusement and played me.

Don't be friends cause she'll just lead you on with breadcrumbs when she starts to second guess things with her new guy, then push you way with the cruelest words.

NC and heal my friend. I know it's hard but it's all you can do at this point to save your dignity. Trust me

 

That’s sucks I’m sorry that happen to you.

 

 

It’s just so hard to let her go, I feel so lonely without her. Not only do I truly love her, she was also my best friend, we did everything together.

Before she left she said to me, “You better not replace me”, But then she tells me not to message her? I’m confused as to what she wants. My theory is that after she returns to the UK it will take a few months to actually get her husband to the UK so during that time she will start talking to me again for emotional support. But I'm not sure if I should talk to her or not. I can't say no to her. But it would be wrong because it would be like emotionally cheating on her husband.

 

 

I am stuck and feel like I will never get over her and scared that I will never find anyone like her. She is perfect in every way. She makes me so happy. I just want her to be mine. My heartaches every time I think of her being with someone else or think about anyone else touching her. I just want this pain to stop.

[magnesium]

You are aware of the fact that you got used, as you said so yourself from an earlier post. And her complete indifference to your feelings is proof of that.

 

Does it really matter what she says to you anymore?

 

Cut your losses and move on.

 

I get the feeling you need to do a lot of self-reflection and grieving, both of which are not possible if you allow her to stay in your life.

Edited March 17, 2017 by magnesium

[Gillys]

I totally get how hard it is to let her go. Mine was my best friend as well. Although I’m not talking to her, I still think about every day and still miss her however, there is much less pain now. I know NC is best for me to heal and move on.

 

If she said “you better not replace me” where there is your proof she did love you. Mine would get mad or start flirting with me every time she heard I was trying to date someone else. Deep down your ex is probably sad about leaving you. But she knows her family obligations and (in her eyes) she is logically pushing down those feelings “to do what must be done.” And like magnesium previously said she truly doesn’t understand the impact of what she has done to you by leaving. She knows that she hurt you but I doubt she understands the level of damage she has done.

 

Nothing is wrong with you and I’m sure deep down she misses you. That’s probably one reason why she doesn’t want you messaging her. She probably feels like **** for hurting you but knows she has to marry someone else to keep her family. In her eyes, its probably hurt one person or hurt her whole family. I think its BS considering I have plenty of friends who were in similar positions who fought for love and their families eventually came around to accept their partners. But not everyone is that strong to defy their family.

 

As far as meeting up with her/ talking to her when she gets back. That may cause more pain but ultimately the choice is up to you. But know you’re going to have to hear details about her wedding, her husband and know some other man has been with her. All of that equals more pain in my eyes.

 

In the meantime, I recommend trying to get your self-confidence back. Workout, read books, throw yourself into work, a new hobby. I started watching Coach Corey Wayne’s youtube videos to help with my confidence (some of his videos are complete alpha male BS which doesn’t help me being female haha) but he does have a good number of videos about rebuilding your confidence and changing your mindset. I would also recommend reading the No Contact Guides on this website. I understand you may not be ready to go full no contact yet, but it may help understanding why the process could be helpful in your situation.

 

Unfortunately, the pain isn’t going to go away quickly.

[whichwayisup]

 

How can she fall out love with me just like that? how can she not miss me? Whats wrong with me?

 

You're the wrong race and she told you from day one that she had to marry someone (I assume so her parents will accept her) in her race.

 

There's nothing wrong with you at all! I'm sure she loves you but is too scared to go against the grain and upset her parents.

 

DO NOT continue a friendship with her. It's selfish of her to want that from you, and you'll still be loving her so it'll be impossible for you to get over her.

 

It hurts and I'm sorry that you're in pain.

 

Cry it out and just know that you will get through this. Rely on good friends and your family to help you.

[solidfwa]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for the support and advice and wanted to give a quick update.

 

So I just spoke to her and she explained it all too me.

 

She said that she’s really sorry she has to move on and that she will never forget me and I’ll always be remembered by her as someone special. She said she loves me deeply and I am her biggest sacrifice in life.

 

She then told me she was not acting cold or emotionless towards me in our last 2 months together and said sorry if I felt that way. She was just feeling guilty about carrying on a romantic relationship with me when she's already agreed to marry him.

 

When I kept asking her who she’d marry if she had the choice, she still kept saying she doesn’t know. I told her I will not take no for an answer, and after pushing her she started crying and said she would pick me, and said it doesn’t matter what she wants, and that she has to fulfil her duty. Her parent’s happiness is her number one priority. I worry about her because she is bottling up all her emotions and ignoring them and carrying on like she’s fine. She opened up to me about everything and I told her I’ll always be there for her no matter what.

 

I love her so much and just want her to be happy. She said that him and her have a similar relationship to how we did, so eventually he will slowly replace me in her heart ☹. I am sort of ok with that as long as she is happy.

 

My only issue now is that she still says she will call me every few days and I’m not sure I can handle that, but I don’t want to disappoint her because I’m the only one she can be 100% open with. If I even mention we should drop all communication, her voice starts crackling as if she’s going to start crying.

 

I need to move on now but I am definitely not ready for another relationship. I still cry myself to sleep cause of her, and pretend I’m ok so she doesn’t worry. ☹

[Kitchen]

I read all your stuff, very sorry to hear. I come from a culture of arranged marriages so let me help you a bit:

 

1. Yes she loved you. Unless she was a narcissist sociopath, this is hard on her too

 

2. Her wanting to talk to you every few days is a way for her to ease her own PAIN. Do NOT GIVE HER THAT. You cut her off. You don't say a word to her.

 

3. Seeing you ****ed up provides her with the fuel necessary (confidence) to move past you. You don't want to give her an ounce of that fuel

 

4. Realize your leverage: you have the opportunity to now choose from thousands of women whereas she was essentially forced a hand. Who has the upper hand here?

 

5. Think of the poor shmuck who is with her now. Imagine the fights and complications they'll face given he's essentially her rebound.

 

6. As I said - do NOT help her recover or hold her hand in this predicament she's in.

 

7. She may not show sadness but that's because you are providing her with temporary hand holding - drop that now.

 

8. Fall off the face of her earth. Don't even say goodbye. This is important. You want to disappear cold, overnight. Just vanish into thin air. Do NOT pick up or answer her or say a word if she contacts you.

 

9. You're lucky you have the few months when the other guy won't be in the U.K. and she'll have nobody. Take advantage of that by cutting her cold, so she can feel nothing but misery and regret, because remember : she def has feelings for you.

 

10. Listen to everything I said. I was in a similar situation as you and I came out ahead, and the woman who dumped me is not happy in her new relationship. Recognizing her terrible situation helped me get over her quicker.

 

Know your leverage. And know yourself. She's your enemy now and you need to be ruthless and take complete advantage of the situation exactly as I described it.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Kitchen

[solidfwa]

I read all your stuff, very sorry to hear. I come from a culture of arranged marriages so let me help you a bit:

 

1. Yes she loved you. Unless she was a narcissist sociopath, this is hard on her too

 

2. Her wanting to talk to you every few days is a way for her to ease her own PAIN. Do NOT GIVE HER THAT. You cut her off. You don't say a word to her.

 

3. Seeing you ****ed up provides her with the fuel necessary (confidence) to move past you. You don't want to give her an ounce of that fuel

 

4. Realize your leverage: you have the opportunity to now choose from thousands of women whereas she was essentially forced a hand. Who has the upper hand here?

 

5. Think of the poor shmuck who is with her now. Imagine the fights and complications they'll face given he's essentially her rebound.

 

6. As I said - do NOT help her recover or hold her hand in this predicament she's in.

 

7. She may not show sadness but that's because you are providing her with temporary hand holding - drop that now.

 

8. Fall off the face of her earth. Don't even say goodbye. This is important. You want to disappear cold, overnight. Just vanish into thin air. Do NOT pick up or answer her or say a word if she contacts you.

 

9. You're lucky you have the few months when the other guy won't be in the U.K. and she'll have nobody. Take advantage of that by cutting her cold, so she can feel nothing but misery and regret, because remember : she def has feelings for you.

 

10. Listen to everything I said. I was in a similar situation as you and I came out ahead, and the woman who dumped me is not happy in her new relationship. Recognizing her terrible situation helped me get over her quicker.

 

Know your leverage. And know yourself. She's your enemy now and you need to be ruthless and take complete advantage of the situation exactly as I described it.

 

I took your advice and had been ignoring her but I caved in yesterday and talked to her for a good 3 hours on Skype. I regret doing this because now I'm back to feeling how I was a week ago fml. She seemed happy and cheery and said that she now loves him now and again shes back to her I don't who I'd pick mode if she had a choice.

I don't understand how she can move on so quick. My mind is blown. I wasted all these years with her, and now she's forgotten me at the click of a finger. She told me how great her relationship with her soon to be husband is going and I sat there listening like a fool. She was so insensitive and clearly didn't care about how I felt. Every time I bought up anything about me and her. She would just get frustrated. I feel like she wants to use me right now to slowly transition away her feelings for me to him. She wants to talk to me a lot right now and then slowly she will start calling less and less until she forgets me, and then again she will drop me.

 

After speaking to her yesterday, I'm seeing a new side of her, she's a big fake and I want her to feel bad and regret she chose him over me. I don't want her back no more, I will leave with my dignity intact. I just want her to feel bad now as selfish as it sounds. But I don't know how, since she says she's happy and your advice would only work if she wasn't happy with him.

[Gillys]

I took your advice and had been ignoring her but I caved in yesterday and talked to her for a good 3 hours on Skype. I regret doing this because now I'm back to feeling how I was a week ago fml. She seemed happy and cheery and said that she now loves him now and again shes back to her I don't who I'd pick mode if she had a choice.

I don't understand how she can move on so quick. My mind is blown. I wasted all these years with her, and now she's forgotten me at the click of a finger. She told me how great her relationship with her soon to be husband is going and I sat there listening like a fool. She was so insensitive and clearly didn't care about how I felt. Every time I bought up anything about me and her. She would just get frustrated. I feel like she wants to use me right now to slowly transition away her feelings for me to him. She wants to talk to me a lot right now and then slowly she will start calling less and less until she forgets me, and then again she will drop me.

 

After speaking to her yesterday, I'm seeing a new side of her, she's a big fake and I want her to feel bad and regret she chose him over me. I don't want her back no more, I will leave with my dignity intact. I just want her to feel bad now as selfish as it sounds. But I don't know how, since she says she's happy and your advice would only work if she wasn't happy with him.

 

 

Been exactly where you are right now my friend. You figured it out much quicker than I did and have realized when its time to stop putting yourself in hurtful positions.

My ex pulled that same crap. She would call and want to talk while she was getting to know her new partner. As soon as they got comfortable she would push me away. When they started to fight or she second guessed the relationship she sent me breadcrumbs then pushed away again after things got better b/w them.

 

IMO your lady left and doesnt deserve your friendship, kindness or loyalty.

 

-Ignore her and shut her out of your life.

-Act like you could careless that she left.

-Do everything in life you wanted to do but couldn't because of her (new hobbies, travel etc.)

-Date other people (when you're ready)

-But basically act like you could give 2 f***s about her.

-Try to stay busy and occupy your mind makes this a little easier.

 

Whenever that new guy screws up, she may start missing you. When that honeymoon infatuation stage ends, she may start missing you. She may notice you dont seem as heartbroken anymore and start questioning whether or not she meant anything to you.

 

Either way cut her out, save your dignity and bail. She wants to dig the knife in and hurt you by talking about her new guy like that, then cut her out of your life for the moment until you heal completely.

 

Be selfish, your feelings are more important than hers. You are no longer a team therefore you don't need to be there for her anymore

Edited March 28, 2017 by Gillys

[Els]

I am sorry, OP. What absolute bull**** she put you through.

 

If both of you HAD been living in her country of origin and she was forced to do it - I can understand, to an extent. Plenty of people are, sadly, prisoners of the laws and customs of the country they live in, especially in the developing world.

 

But she lives in another country with you, so presumably she is financially independent from her family and there will be no legal repercussions or honor-killings, etc, if she chooses not to do as they say. Yet she CHOSE to return to her country of origin to marry another man when she is presumably your girlfriend. She is not a victim, this is her choice.

 

I strongly suggest you block her, go no contact, and find someone who actually has the guts to be with the person they love.

[Kitchen]

I took your advice and had been ignoring her but I caved in yesterday and talked to her for a good 3 hours on Skype. I regret doing this because now I'm back to feeling how I was a week ago fml. She seemed happy and cheery and said that she now loves him now and again shes back to her I don't who I'd pick mode if she had a choice.

I don't understand how she can move on so quick. My mind is blown. I wasted all these years with her, and now she's forgotten me at the click of a finger. She told me how great her relationship with her soon to be husband is going and I sat there listening like a fool. She was so insensitive and clearly didn't care about how I felt. Every time I bought up anything about me and her. She would just get frustrated. I feel like she wants to use me right now to slowly transition away her feelings for me to him. She wants to talk to me a lot right now and then slowly she will start calling less and less until she forgets me, and then again she will drop me.

 

After speaking to her yesterday, I'm seeing a new side of her, she's a big fake and I want her to feel bad and regret she chose him over me. I don't want her back no more, I will leave with my dignity intact. I just want her to feel bad now as selfish as it sounds. But I don't know how, since she says she's happy and your advice would only work if she wasn't happy with him.

 

I told you to take my advice, MAN! It's okay, we all stumble and regress. I'm currently going through a breakup, and REstarting no contact today. I'm going to be venting in this forum a lot over the next week or two.

 

Of course she was happy and cheery, and cold. Because you gave her the emotional support she desperately needs in this perilous situation she's found herself in! I told you this.

 

Dude, imagine if it was the other way around? Say someone put a gun to your head saying you must marry a particular woman, while you were with your ex. What would you do? You'd have no choice but to accept right? What would ease your pain? Talking to your ex to slowly transition, right? Regardless, who would be better off - you with the gun to your head, or your ex who can now go explore?

 

No she didn't have a gun to her head, but for women in this community, their parents' brainwashing since birth is just as effective as a gun. She's brainwashed. I'm telling you this from experience, and the experience of many in my community. Parents brainwash their daughters to do exactly as they say. As much as you don't want to believe me, it's not YOU, it's her.

 

She loved you, because you're loveable, charming guy. No woman ever willingly stays with someone for 8 years without enjoying it. If she wanted to leave you for someone else willingly, she'd have done so at some point in those 8 years.

 

You think she's a robot and can switch off her emotions overnight? Hell no. That's why she needs you in the transition, which you won't help her with from now on, right?