Trying to put myself first

[SpecialJ]

First time poster... not sure if I'm asking for advice as much as just wanted to share after feeling mindf-*ked, possibly see if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they coped / how it turned out (I assume NC forever!), and get some NC support. I’m just feeling like it’s taking too long for me to get over something that clearly wasn’t as meaningful as I thought.

 

 

Backstory

 

My story is, my bf dumped me last fall after a year of really serious dating. The first 9 months were magical, and by all accounts we were both incredibly happy. We were in contact daily, shared everything with each other, and saw each other most days of the week. Then one day he started expecting me to do all the initiating in bed, but would not acknowledge anything was wrong except generic new job-stress excuses. I didn't press him too much, because we're grown-ups so I trusted him to honestly communicate his issues with me and took him at his word.

 

Nothing else changed until a couple weeks before he broke up with me. Then he started picking fights with me over nothing and acting erratically. He initiated the breakup with some excuses that made no sense, but then admitted that while our emotional connection was still so strong he wasn't feeling physically inspired by me anymore. He acknowledged that he felt guilty for putting me in a bad situation by not once communicating that there were any problems with us, but by that point he didn't want to put in the effort to strengthen the dwindling spark. I was very upset but gracious about it. I said I didn't want to break up without working on the relationship but also didn't want to keep him in a situation he didn't want to be in, and so respected his decision.

 

He then waged a campaign of friendship, constantly contacting me, even though I was very clear that I still loved him and needed space and would ignore him for days. I should have done complete no contact then when he wasn't respecting me, but our emotional bond is strong and it was too painful for me to entirely cut him out yet... and I wanted to take the breadcrumbs. This lasted two months, until he finally backed off. We ended up running into each other after that and he said he screwed up so we should get dinner, and I agreed. Dinner was great, but eventually I reminded him I wasn't ready to be friends and laid all my cards on the table about wanting to give us a chance to work out our issues. He didn't want to talk about reconciling, but asked for time to think about it, so we didn't speak again for several weeks.

 

Recently, he popped back up to tell me that he was feeling better and had been coming to terms with his baggage. He admitted that the breakup and his lack of communication about his problems had almost nothing to do with me, and he had entered into our relationship without working through numerous prior issues. He made it pretty clear that his issues were irrational but responsible for his loss of attraction. He still wants to be friends because of our deep and comforting connection. However, he knows he screwed up and treated me very badly toward the end of the relationship, and insisted I finally unload my anger on him.

 

I wasn't sure what to say, except I saw no reason to be angry at him for struggling. But then I decided to be completely honest about how I'd been doing the last few months (which was not well), because frankly I felt I still couldn’t be just friends and had to push him away to get over him. He listened, then threw up a bunch of walls and said we need more time, he could not be in my life yet because it wasn't healthy for me, and that he would never EVER want to get back together with me, and he would never again want a romantic relationship with me. I said I wasn't trying to reconcile again, but sure (whatever makes no contact stick). I've since gone totally silent and blocked him on social media, which I've never done to an ex before.

 

 

Coping

 

 

I'm trying to cope best I can, but it was pretty harsh to hear all those never evers. I know he had a big head-start checking out of the relationship and doesn't care as much as I do, but still, kind of cruel. Something like, "I'm sorry I hurt you and still hope we can be friends one day since I can't give you more" would have been sufficient.

 

 

I finally was able to block him out because I truly want to let go, and I only hadn't done it yet because I thought there might be a chance to work things out. I think I was in denial about the breakup for so long because my gut knew it was about him and not me/us so has always screamed at me that we could work it out with time. I was hoping that once he recognized and wanted to address his issues, he'd realize what he threw away and want to come back to me, which was clearly wrong. However... I must be crazy because I still love him and *want* to hope that after no contact I will feel better AND he will come back as a grown-up / great boyfriend again and we will be able to communicate more openly when he needs something. It gives me anxiety that I pushed him so hard and slammed the door shut for good. I don't actually believe I should want him back, as I know the healthy way to consider this is I deserve a better relationship with someone more mature/caring/stable and less selfish that won't turn things toxic. Plus, I'm too old to "wait." I haven't been able to forget those first 9 months, though, and accepting his never ever really, really hurts (but I am taking him at his word). I hope no contact helps because I don't know what else I can do. I keep really busy, I’ve challenged myself with new things to rebuild my self-esteem, and I’ve kept up meeting new people and exercising, so everyone around me thinks I’m doing okay. But I won’t agree I’m doing okay until I’m over this guy who I was once sure I would happily marry.

 

 

-J

[Telemachus]

I'd say that you're on a very positive track. Getting busy with other things is the best way to put a failed relationship behind you, to make it an increasingly distant memory.

 

As to social media, what you do is what you do. I find it astounding the significance people place on things like blocking someone on a site, as though it speaks volumes. It says little or nothing, takes seconds, and costs nothing. Please keep it in perspective. Social media really isn't all that social at all.

[divegrl]

Hi J!

 

First off, I want to say I'm so sorry for what you are going thru. This must be a very difficult time for you. Thanks for sharing your story.... journaling helps process the pain and get the emotions out.

 

Everything you've written is a completely normal part of the healing process. Our bodies put us in denial because we can't handle the pain of all the emotions flooding us at once.....feel the pain, be aware of the emotions. I think it's great that you've gone NC! Look around this forum and you will see the emotional trauma these breadcrumbs cause!

 

Working out and staying busy are great! Keep going! Also please try and share you're emotions with people around you. You say that everyone around you thinks you're doing ok but your not. Surround yourself with people who love you and accept you for exactly who you are!

 

Big hugs my friend!!!

[greymatter]

I can relate to so much of what you're going through even though some of the details of my situation are very different. I really feel for you and am right there with you.

[SpecialJ]

Thanks all for the support. I think the things I am trying to work through right now are, it is almost like he started having a relationship with himself at the end and I was collateral damage. So there is nothing I can do when his issues are with himself, not me, and when he is writing me off along with this person he was before we met, before I made him "want to be better," that he hadn't truly dealt with. In that same vein, it is hard to see someone you care for deeply struggling and not be able to help... though people who know us think I did help a lot. But the theme is lack of control no matter what I did or do. And since I am the priority now and can't worry about his feelings (past genericly being respectful of another person), NC continues even though it makes me sad. However, it also makes me feel less upset than interacting with him so I know it is best and I look forward to being less sad and not continuing to miss him...

 

In terms of people in my life, they know I am going through a lot and I have been more open lately about it, but I suspect that since I am not, say, drinking alone at home every night or stopping gym and social activities, they think I am coping relatively well for a bad breakup. I just feel that for the number of months, I still don't want to "get back out there" with other guys (in spite of having options) and I know I am still depressed for me, so I had to make more changes to keep trying to move forward.

 

But I also worry the lack of interest in other guys is related to my internalizing what he said about not being inspired by me physically, when I know that was unfair and there was a lot of other things going on. I take good care of myself, and even if it was true, I shouldn't let what one immature guy said impact me like that! That is something I can and should take control of.

 

-J

[SpecialJ]

I was hoping I was getting better after the decision to go NC, but it doesn't feel like it lately. I am not at risk of breaking it (I have nothing to say to him), but I'm very depressed today. I've been sick in bed for quite a while with a mild flu and too much time to think. I was scheduling out when to do some annual chores I need to do in the coming week, when I suddenly felt very triggered. This is because it made me remember that a year ago, we were taking our first trip together. It was amazing, one of the best weeks of my life, and I just can't believe it was a year ago. I don't know how my life spiraled out of control since then (well, since a few months after then, when some work and health issues hit the fan). I don't know how I got here. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and I'm trying to take control of this by finding a new job (and by keeping NC). I'm feeling really abandoned right now, even though it's been months and I do not believe it was ever his responsibility to take care of me... just to respect me, and he wasn't capable of that. And I feel trapped.

 

I don't know how to get out of feeling this way longer-term. How I feel right this second will pass, but the general background feeling of being deeply hurt just keeps lingering. I feel like I've just been putting one foot in front of the other and powering through for the better part of what has been a very bad year even without the breakup. And I'm finding that in spite of that, faking it until I make it (in regards to continuing to live my life and not letting my ongoing processing of my feelings become wallowing in them) is just not going very well or I would feel further ahead of where I've been. Maybe when I am healthy again and can go back to keeping really busy, things will seem better.

 

-J

[trustyourself]

I was hoping I was getting better after the decision to go NC, but it doesn't feel like it lately. I am not at risk of breaking it (I have nothing to say to him), but I'm very depressed today. I've been sick in bed for quite a while with a mild flu and too much time to think. I was scheduling out when to do some annual chores I need to do in the coming week, when I suddenly felt very triggered. This is because it made me remember that a year ago, we were taking our first trip together. It was amazing, one of the best weeks of my life, and I just can't believe it was a year ago. I don't know how my life spiraled out of control since then (well, since a few months after then, when some work and health issues hit the fan). I don't know how I got here. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and I'm trying to take control of this by finding a new job (and by keeping NC). I'm feeling really abandoned right now, even though it's been months and I do not believe it was ever his responsibility to take care of me... just to respect me, and he wasn't capable of that. And I feel trapped.

 

I don't know how to get out of feeling this way longer-term. How I feel right this second will pass, but the general background feeling of being deeply hurt just keeps lingering. I feel like I've just been putting one foot in front of the other and powering through for the better part of what has been a very bad year even without the breakup. And I'm finding that in spite of that, faking it until I make it (in regards to continuing to live my life and not letting my ongoing processing of my feelings become wallowing in them) is just not going very well or I would feel further ahead of where I've been. Maybe when I am healthy again and can go back to keeping really busy, things will seem better.

 

-J

 

Hang in there J. I am almost 4 months post BU, and two months NC (Apart from one phone call 4 weeks in), and I am still in a bad place. I have made changes in my life that are helping, but I still have moments 20 times a day where I miss her/want to call her. Stay strong. I will say this for me and for you, but we need to take it one day at a time. Get out there, socialize, distract yourself. Be yourself. You will meet people, or someone, who loves you for who you are. Don't let his crap get you down.

 

My ex said horrible things to me during the BU. Pointing out things she didnt like about me. How she wasnt excited about me anymore in a physical way, that I didnt give her butterflies, that she didnt even like kissing me that much anymore.

 

It was all bulls**t. It was just to push me away. It was just her excuse for her issues.

 

I am a good looking guy, and we definitely had great chemistry. But it faded in the last month before the BU because she was distancing herself. This was her excuse.

 

Value yourself, and you will find someone who will value you just as much.

[EmilyJane]

I think you're unware of a whole bunch of serious issues he's never told you about that will at some point come to light and make you realise you've had a lucky escape.

[SpecialJ]

Thanks trustyourself. It has been helping to be reminded that other people are still recovering after 4-6 months and going through similar stages. I tend not to get in a lot of romantic relationships because I invest a lot and they always take me a long time to get over... so whatever I have with the person needs to be special enough to be worth the risk. But after a few months, I always feel silly that I'm not moving forward faster and still thinking about the person several times a day. In this case in particular... I basically never do NC, because things don't usually end in a disrespectful way that makes it too toxic to stay in touch. Since I made the decision to do NC this time, I think I was hoping I would actually get over it faster than my usual recovery times, and it so far isn't speeding anything up. Even though it's still better for me to be NC in this case regardless.

 

That's a good perspective on why she said those things to you, but I'm still so sorry she did. No one deserves that, and it has messed with my head to deal with the same. At best, if it's true and someone needs feedback, communicate your needs during the relationship from a place of love and compassion so it can be productive instead of just hurtful! Even though the rational part of my brain knows he said those terrible things about our physical... compatibility... to distance himself (and has since admitted the breakup was about his baggage, not about me), I've taken it really hard anyway. I think because it's been a bad year, I'm just being less resilient than usual to that kind of ego hit and being blamed for losing something important to me with no effort to work it out. A lot of time immature / manipulative people project so they can bring you down to prop themselves up, and I think that's part of what happened here too, hit me with a low blow. I'm still trying to find ways to move forward that improve my self esteem without any reliance on external validation (though some friends have been nice in trying to give me some anyway!), and that is one day at a time.

 

Something I read on another board here has resonated and I keep trying to remind myself that it's the right way to think about it. It was about a totally different type of relationship issue from mine, but still so great to remember: "If he cares so little about himself to get the help he needs what makes you think he's able to care about you the way that you deserve to be cared for?" I'm incredibly independent and can over function in relationships... so it's easy for me to ignore signs my partner isn't good at such things because I don't need a lot and can compensate and care for myself. But it's back to the idea that you need someone to show up for you as much if not more in bad times than in good times, because good times are easy. He can't care for himself easily because he's still immature in many ways, so he isn't going to be right for me in relationship valley times. And so he did me a favor.

 

I still miss our incredible day to day compatibility (everything in common, deep connected conversations), and I miss my friend, but my emotions will catch up with my brain on all this in time, I guess.

[SpecialJ]

EmilyJane, you're totally right. And I alluded to it in the original post, but he did come back a few months later to tell me about the demons he's battling through, and then to throw our relationship back out in the trash along with them (though he was still trying hard to get me to stay friends). I don't feel lucky yet, but you're not the only one to tell me I should. I'm trying to internalize that still, so thanks for the support

[SpecialJ]

Another tough day. I think the trigger is just spending chunks of time alone. I suppose I'm grateful that I'm having some longer stretches that things seem a little better, but after almost 6 months they still aren't as long as I'd hoped. I'm still feeling angry for accepting poor treatment and ashamed of the things he said to me since last fall. Still going strong after month 1 of NC, though.

 

I'm sticking a toe into the dating pool again, whether I'm fully ready or not. I'm not someone to be irresponsible with another person's feelings based on my baggage, so I think it's good for me to try to get back out if it's not hurting anyone else. So far there have been some friendly conversations that have not gone anywhere. It's a numbers game, so I'll have to keep trying.

Edited April 10, 2017 by SpecialJ

[EmilyJane]

EmilyJane, you're totally right. And I alluded to it in the original post, but he did come back a few months later to tell me about the demons he's battling through, and then to throw our relationship back out in the trash along with them (though he was still trying hard to get me to stay friends). I don't feel lucky yet, but you're not the only one to tell me I should. I'm trying to internalize that still, so thanks for the support

 

It will come. You don't need to work on it to force it to happen. You're doing things right and doing the grieving. Don't be too hard on yourself. Let yourself feel things even if they don't seem constructive, it is part of the process.

[SpecialJ]

Thanks, Emily. This week has actually been a little better. A friend I speak to on the phone once or twice a month even commented that I was sounding better, without my ex coming up as a topic.

 

I'm trying to use the no contact distance to allow me to see the things he'd have to change for us to ever work out. The point being that, I'm not someone who expects to change others to what I think is best, and so it is a reminder that if I think there need to be major changes then it's not a relationship I want to be in in the first place.

 

I'm also feeling like the six month cloud that has hung over me and made me not want to be touched or flirted with after the blaming comments he made about our physical relationship may finally be starting to lift a little. That tiny bit of forward movement is making me more optimistic!

[SpecialJ]

It was nice that last week was better, but this week was worse so I'm still on my roller coaster. No specific reason or triggers for it. I'm just feeling really emotionally exhausted and like I can't put in any more emotional work towards growth from this breakup right now. That's making me take space from people in real life too because I feel like I can't show up for them adequately right now. I'm tired and I miss him, and I'm sad it's come to this. Still strong on NC, but not really sure what the point of going through all this pain was.

[BG1]

It's normal to have better days or weeks and worse ones. I can relate to this, from reading your post and situation I would like to message you so maybe we can talk more in detail about your experience.

Helping other helps me to feel better about my break up situation, and somehow I can see some parallelisms. (can't message you tho as I', not yet an established member).

 

Think of this of a Marathon and each day is a km, this week I started pretty low and I'm ending much better. Although Sundays are tricky.. cheer up

[SpecialJ]

I really do appreciate that, BG. I very recently got messaging capabilities. Looks like you have to hit 50 posts. Feel free to pm when you get access

[SpecialJ]

It's been about two months completely NC, and I'm still having a mixed time. I've gone on some tepid first dates, and I've made some big changes in my life. I'm missing my ex again lately (it comes and goes), probably because I want to tell him about the changes, but I'm not going to because I don't want to be friends in the foreseeable future so there's no reason to break NC. I definitely still have plenty of moments that I wish he could push through his issues, be the person he had presented to me, and realize he does want to be with me, but I also don't even know what I'd do if those things all happened. And I don't expect them to, anyway. So I'll keep pushing on...

[BG1]

It's been about two months completely NC, and I'm still having a mixed time. I've gone on some tepid first dates, and I've made some big changes in my life. I'm missing my ex again lately (it comes and goes), probably because I want to tell him about the changes, but I'm not going to because I don't want to be friends in the foreseeable future so there's no reason to break NC. I definitely still have plenty of moments that I wish he could push through his issues, be the person he had presented to me, and realize he does want to be with me, but I also don't even know what I'd do if those things all happened. And I don't expect them to, anyway. So I'll keep pushing on...

 

Keep it up, you are doing great. It's completely normal to miss your former partner, especially when it's been about 2 months. Give yourself credit for that. It's been 2 months today for me today.

Buy yourself something or cook some nice dinner . You sound better than last time. Once I hit 50 messages I will contact you so we can chat!

[SpecialJ]

Thanks for the support. I am having longer stretches of feeling better but a lot of that is I've been so busy with the changes that I am a lot more distracted. This isn't a bad thing, because I did a lot of work to try to start healing from the relationship already so distraction at this point isn't just "kicking the can down the road." But in spite of it being 2 months of NC, it's still 6 months post break up and I was hoping to miss him less intensely when I do miss him (especially since I recognize that he was such a jerk to me) and be more interested in other guys by now. I think if I met the right guy I'd at least be open to giving something new a real try (which is progress), but no one else has piqued my interest yet, not even physically.

[SpecialJ]

Still working through this and very sad at times, but the work I've been doing to try and change non-breakup related aspects of my life that could have been better this past year is starting to show results. This is helping me feel like I'm moving forward and not just standing still, even though I can tell there's still a tiny part of me that doesn't want to give up completely and fully let him go in defeat. Tiny in the sense that most of me has already let go, not tiny in the sense of I still feel some tiny glimmer of hope that my ex will come back to work things out.

 

I went on a date and actually felt some interest in getting to know the person better instead of feeling like we were wasting both of our time, so that also seems like progress! Even though I'm still not ready to jump into a relationship. Not feeling any interest in anyone for so many months was a little jarring, though, so it's a yet underdeveloped but positive feeling.

[SpecialJ]

So it's been several months now since the breakup, and I'm still in NC. He has not tried to reach out since we last spoke, not taking the opportunity to wish me a happy birthday nor using the rest of my things he "forgot" to return before as an excuse to contact (the only two excuses I anticipated he might use). I'm still a bit concerned we could run into each other at some point, but I'm pretty sure he's otherwise done with me for good.

 

What I've had to do in this period of NC is come to terms with the fact he has a lot of malignant narcissistic traits. I can't properly diagnose of course, but can suspect this from how inexplicably victimized I felt in response to his behavior toward the end and after the relationship (shame, poor self esteem, total confusion, wanting to blame myself), the sudden negative change in his behavior in the first place, bizarre and just plain mean things he said to me during and after the breakup that are in line with most of the research I've done on this, and his complete lack of respect for my space in the months following (which he did call a "royal screw up" on his part when I called him out on it the last time we spoke before NC, but he seemed to be just reacting to criticism and not understanding why it was hurtful for him to try to be insta-friends and ignoring my needs).

 

I'm still sad in the sense that I cared so much for him, and it's horrible and confusing to have to go through someone who claims to care for you mistreating you to that extent. I'm also disappointed in myself for not knowing earlier, but in the past when I've encountered men like this they can't maintain the mask long enough to start a relationship (nor do they try to), so I didn't expect anyone to change so much after more than a few months and it could take so long to spot. I hope I was just unlucky enough to find someone so good at lying to himself that he was able to sustain the persona for almost a year versus I'm just that clueless... and that this helps me filter out bad people in the future instead of leaving me with debilitating trust issues. I think the really long break I took from dating after will result in the most positive better filtering outcome, since it's not like I think every person in the world is this way, but we'll see.

 

I don't think he'll ever understand what he did to me (he's missing the capability) or how awful his words truly were, of which I unfortunately still remember every one. But if he ever does reach out again, they can help me remember why it's better to ignore him.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

SpecialJ, I wanted to thank you for your post. I empathize very much with your story. Your posts and responses have helped me to process my own break up.

 

Do not let his words affect your self confidence. Think about how independent and strong you are. And how much you have accomplished. One thing that has stuck with me from an inter-personal communications course I took is that Feedback is always neutral from the sender. It only becomes positive or negative to the receiver based on how they react to this feedback. The reason why the feedback is always neutral from the sender is because feedback is always ABOUT the sender, not the receiver. Think carefully about that.

 

The future is now yours to paint without the burden of someone else's issues.

[SpecialJ]

Thank you for the kind words. It's also getting easier to take the feedback less seriously as I read about how patterned and predictable this is (if my assessment of the situation is right). Then it doesn't matter who was the receiver, it would have happened inevitably because it is all about the sender and nothing else.

 

I'm still feeling some sadness and pity about the whole thing, but not angry anymore. I think it's progress.

[SpecialJ]

Just wanted to give an update since I've chronicled this here... after many difficult months making some pretty major and (hopefully!) positive changes in my life, doing a couple months of research on signs of emotional abuse so I can avoid them in the future, being no contact / blocking the ex for about five months, and taking nine months mostly to myself, I'm finally ready to really date again without being on the rebound. I'm still sad about the situation turning out the way it did and miss my ex from time to time, but not to the extent that my feelings towards him will keep me from having a healthy relationship and moving on with someone else. I still have a bit of baggage (mostly being overly-dilligent looking for red flags, but I know that's my problem and am not projecting or sabotaging things with good guys over it). After some lukewarm dates, I recently started seeing someone who is infatuated with me, respectful, kind, and very direct about what he wants, and who I'm enjoying getting to know so far. We're taking things as they come and seeing what happens, and he's very interested in communicating openly and making sure we're both comfortable. I'm really appreciating that he seems so good-natured, and I hope that my read on him is correct and not just him being on best behavior during the early honeymoon period of dating! It would be really tough to end up in a blindsided situation again with someone who was not who I thought.

 

It was very difficult to go through all this, and it really required a lot of focused work on my part to get past it -- and it took plenty of time to realize it was so difficult because of my ex's covert abuse as well as what exists in my personality that made me miss the signs once it started happening near the end of the relationship and for 4 months after the breakup. I think that it helped me to be experienced in relationships and not in my late teens or twenties, so I was self-aware enough to know what I had to do to for myself to work through it and could take a more mature approach to listen to my rational thoughts and not give in to my emotions. I really don't wish this on anyone, but I hope my sharing my process can help others do the right things for themselves. I don't think I'm 100% okay yet -- I do not want to run into my ex because I don't think I've reached indifference and so still avoid places I might see him -- but I'm glad to be in a mindset that now allows me to move on if I allow it to happen. Which includes finally getting past the mean comments and sexual withholding my ex put me through that made me not want to be touched for eight months after the breakup!

 

I also appreciate the time people took to reach out to me and support me on this board

 

-J

Edited August 4, 2017 by SpecialJ

[SpecialJ]

Another update. It's been almost 6 months of NC. Dating has been rocky but not the worst. I've found that I still have some walls up and respond to people in a way that kind of assumes they are jerks, if they take actions that are in any way ambiguous, and that's definitely baggage speaking. I have an opportunity to try to sort something out and fix a baggage-related response I had that didn't make a difficult situation any better (even though the issue in the first place is the other person's and I didn't cause it). But it's made me accept that I'm bound to make some mistakes in trying to date again for real after a long and difficult last relationship. I don't think my changing my response will salvage this newer dating situation, but it still feels good to recognize that things don't need to be the way that they were when I was with someone who actually mistreated me!

 

So if you're going NC to get over someone toxic, hang in there, and be patient with yourself if it's left you with some kinks to still work out even when you get to the other side.