Jump to content

Coping today is hard


emagyne

Recommended Posts

Hi. I am new here. Just needing to talk to some people who possibly understand and can listen. I just ended a relationship with someone who I found to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He went from being a wonderful man who I thought I could spend my life with to a man I can't even say I know anymore. And it happened abruptly. I can't even explain how I feel right now. Last night I sat in a chair in my room looking out the window chain smoking Newports listening to Samantha James- Again and Again..silent tears. Last weekend we went to Kay's and looked at rings. I just sat and starred at my ring finger in the dark. It's like for 15 minutes I thought all my dreams was coming true with the ideal relationship, the ideal man, relocating, marriage one day to this. Accepting reality and this feeling of betrayal and loneliness. It's like the same thing keeps repeating in my life and this time I can say I am done. I have nothing left to give anyone. 42 years old and I can't keep doing this. I was doing good for a few years just dating and not letting my gaurd down- I lived behind emotional walls. I met him and slowly, brick by brick, I started removing the wall. I started seeing signs and just over the last week it got worse. He never took into consideration how I felt anymore, I was always wrong. Something was always wrong with me. He was never wrong. All he talked about was his problems, mine didn't too much matter. All this hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to love again and I am so tired of trying to cope thru stuff like this. Normally I go into my alter ego mode of Rahksan to get by and not care. I created her to get me thru because she don't care about much of anything and she doesn't do feelings. She's a defense mechanism. Sounds crazy but it has worked. Right now I am trying my best to channel her until I feel like I can cope. I feel like I am a walking zombie. I fell in love with this guy. A guy I come to find out I didn't even know.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi. I am new here. Just needing to talk to some people who possibly understand and can listen. I just ended a relationship with someone who I found to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He went from being a wonderful man who I thought I could spend my life with to a man I can't even say I know anymore. And it happened abruptly. I can't even explain how I feel right now. Last night I sat in a chair in my room looking out the window chain smoking Newports listening to Samantha James- Again and Again..silent tears. Last weekend we went to Kay's and looked at rings. I just sat and starred at my ring finger in the dark. It's like for 15 minutes I thought all my dreams was coming true with the ideal relationship, the ideal man, relocating, marriage one day to this. Accepting reality and this feeling of betrayal and loneliness. It's like the same thing keeps repeating in my life and this time I can say I am done. I have nothing left to give anyone. 42 years old and I can't keep doing this. I was doing good for a few years just dating and not letting my gaurd down- I lived behind emotional walls. I met him and slowly, brick by brick, I started removing the wall. I started seeing signs and just over the last week it got worse. He never took into consideration how I felt anymore, I was always wrong. Something was always wrong with me. He was never wrong. All he talked about was his problems, mine didn't too much matter. All this hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to love again and I am so tired of trying to cope thru stuff like this. Normally I go into my alter ego mode of Rahksan to get by and not care. I created her to get me thru because she don't care about much of anything and she doesn't do feelings. She's a defense mechanism. Sounds crazy but it has worked. Right now I am trying my best to channel her until I feel like I can cope. I feel like I am a walking zombie. I fell in love with this guy. A guy I come to find out I didn't even know.

 

We are all in this together hun. I too am 42 and I went and still going through a severe breakup. Last night I had another breakdown. Right now I feel just numb and disconnected. It's just s truly messed up feeling with no true answer for.a healthy resolution. All we can really do it just take it one day at a time and hope and pray eventually we find our way to happiness again. Just remember, you're not alone.:)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

The walking zombie feeling when getting out of a toxic relationship does pass. It might take months but it does. The only thing you can do is push through it, hour by hour, day by day, and week by week.

 

Only now, 6 months post BU am I beginning to feel like I'm not a walking zombie. There were many days I was completely convinced that it would never end. It did, and believe me it will for you too.

 

I despise memes and silly social media quotes but there is one that has always stuck in my mind....

 

"When you are going through hell, keep going"

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry to hear about your breakup. I kept thinking as I was reading your post it's a good thing you found out who this person is before you committed your life to him. I have been in relationships before that just didn't work out. It was hard because I thought this person was the one for me. It took time but with much prayer and taking one day at a time, I did find that special one. You can too, don't give up. I know it's hard now but you will find that special one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...