Cookies101 Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 (edited) After a six month tumultous relationship, my other half decided to call it quits. After a few days of silly texting, with my pouring out my heart and saying how "hurt" i was, making all sorts of accusations and generally showing my anger, we finally went NC last Thursday (16/2/17). It ended with her saying it was my moods and temperament that ended it for her. I still want you she said, but pointed to those allegations. She asked to be my "friend" straight afterwards. I have been good with No Contact, however, today (21/2/17) I broke it, to tell her what I thought. I noticed she did not close her options for meeting people online the whole time I was with her, that is what triggered it for me. I am ashamed of myself for breaking NC. Please help me with No Contact, I don't feel I have the willpower to carry it through. Are there any strategies that I can use? Edited February 21, 2017 by Cookies101 Link to post Share on other sites
PLT Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 The best strategy is to remember how you felt when you broke it. Also remember that it didn't actually help you at all when you broke it. Most of us do it. Hell I broke NC after my break up consistently for 4 months. Don't feel ashamed. There are many here who have gone through the same. Think of it in terms of giving up smoking or something. You are going through withdrawal. Take it one day at a time. Willpower required. Don't fool yourself into believing that it is easy. Every day that you manage to keep up NC, give yourself a small pat on the back for achieving one more day. Once you get to a few weeks, and your number of days NC is in the 20's you will want that number to keep rising, not go back to the beginning. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted February 21, 2017 Share Posted February 21, 2017 As PLT said, take it one day at a time, even one hour at a time if necessary. Breakups create a lot of anxiety and any memories or grudges when analyzing the relationship can push you in the wrong direction. But that anxiety keeps waning as weeks go by until one day you don't even realize that you haven't felt the urge to contact the dumper at all. There's nothing to be ashamed about reaching out. Most of us here have done it and I don't know anyone who's so strong as to be dumped and keep their dignity intact and never look back. But you have already done it and it's been fruitless. Why take more risks? If they want to contact us, they'll do it, and most of the time they don't. The last time I contacted my ex, which was last May or June after three or four months of NC, she was on the beach with her new boyfriend while I was sending stupid messages. I felt so ridiculous I haven't even thought of doing it again. I don't want to go through it again and I don't want to embarrass myself like that. I've been knocking on wood so I don't stumble upon her on the street ever since. Don't be me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Nearly broke no contact again today. Remembered something else i had to "say" to her (more accusations about her conduct in the r/ship). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 And, then my aunty reminds me that i am a good person and to go on with my life, and to not change Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 The usual story. "Hi, how are you?". Silly me got emotional again.. Blah... Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yea, I got a similar email a little over a month ago from someone who royally hurt me, sending a very similar message how you received. I didn't respond, even though I really wanted that person to know how much they hurt me and screwed me over. What this person did to me was the biggest betrayal I have ever experienced in my life, brought me deep into rock bottom, I got complex PTSD, and it took me about 8 months to regain myself. This betrayal changed my entire life. And I never responded, and I never will. I don't believe in karma either; I'd rather forgive, but never forget. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) I am going to try not to respond. My willpower is low as I am still vulnerable... I don't think she will try again any time soon. Too scared of my response. She knows how much she hurt me now, so time for her to move on. I am not going to let her change me. Edited February 28, 2017 by Cookies101 2 Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yea man, as you said, its breadcrumbs. She is just testing you. Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about this. You were doing the best you could at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) She's already contacted me again. The usual crumbs... "thought we could build on it as friends"... yeah, right. Part of me just wants to argue with her to prove her wrong. If she really wanted to build on anything as 'friends', she should have just said so, instead of only doing so once she is pressed. I am angry, righteously angry. Yeah, sure... She wants to build on it as "friends"... while she makes friends with everybody else and if somebody new came along, I'm sure she'd dump me like a hot cake. That's what they do don't they?! I'm going off to practice my musical instrument. Waste of a day thinking about her any more (although I probably will). Edited February 28, 2017 by Cookies101 Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 She's already contacted me again. The usual crumbs... "thought we could build on it as friends"... yeah, right. Part of me just wants to argue with her to prove her wrong. If she really wanted to build on anything as 'friends', she should have just said so, instead of only doing so once she is pressed. I am angry, righteously angry. Yeah, sure... She wants to build on it as "friends"... while she makes friends with everybody else and if somebody new came along, I'm sure she'd dump me like a hot cake. In my opinion, and you can take it or leave it; this is what dis-respect looks like. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She is offering this friendship because she feels guilty about what she did. You have every right to be angry. I recommend you cut her out of your life. You deserve better than this. You owe her nothing, and even though you feel like she owes you a sincere apology, the truth is there is a very small chance you will get it. You have already seen her disgusting side. What she is doing now is flat out dis-respect towards you. You need to grieve, and process your emotions. You can't do that with this person in your life. Walk away friend, don't look back. That is an act of self-love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yeah, sure... She wants to build on it as "friends"... while she makes friends with everybody else and if somebody new came along, I'm sure she'd dump me like a hot cake. Same boat my friend as me, above is exactly what I see for me if I become friends. It's a no brainer, but my emotions sometimes get the better and maybe yours do too, just have to stay strong and look at the bigger picture. Fight and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Is it just me, or do others think that it is more of a female thing to send out breadcrumbs than a male thing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 She's already contacted me again. The usual crumbs... "thought we could build on it as friends"... yeah, right. Part of me just wants to argue with her to prove her wrong. If she really wanted to build on anything as 'friends', she should have just said so, instead of only doing so once she is pressed. I am angry, righteously angry. Yeah, sure... She wants to build on it as "friends"... while she makes friends with everybody else and if somebody new came along, I'm sure she'd dump me like a hot cake. That's what they do don't they?! I'm going off to practice my musical instrument. Waste of a day thinking about her any more (although I probably will). Don't do the whole friends thing. Unless you have no other feelings for her other than as a friend, which I don't think is the case. It's all or nothing. As time goes by, with you working on it, you should find yourself thinking of her less . Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yea, I got a similar email a little over a month ago from someone who royally hurt me, sending a very similar message how you received. I didn't respond, even though I really wanted that person to know how much they hurt me and screwed me over. What this person did to me was the biggest betrayal I have ever experienced in my life, brought me deep into rock bottom, I got complex PTSD, and it took me about 8 months to regain myself. This betrayal changed my entire life. And I never responded, and I never will. I don't believe in karma either; I'd rather forgive, but never forget. Good for you for not responding, and I can say I can relate exactly and precisely to what you wrote. It's been almost 4 years, haven't dated since, and changed my life irrecoverably. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Good for you for not responding, and I can say I can relate exactly and precisely to what you wrote. It's been almost 4 years, haven't dated since, and changed my life irrecoverably. Thank you. After all the pain and rage, I can say I finally see the silver lining. There were many powerful lessons that I had to learn the hard way. I believe my incident has made me a stronger, more resilient person, and now with each day passing by, I am starting to feel better than ever. I hope you can relate to this as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Is it just me, or do others think that it is more of a female thing to send out breadcrumbs than a male thing? Yes, I think so. Women tend to have larger social circles and depend more on their friends for emotional support, so I think they're generally less willing to completely let go. It's also easier for us to be "just friends" with members of the opposite sex, whether it's an ex or not, whereas for men this is much less common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes, I think so. Women tend to have larger social circles and depend more on their friends for emotional support, so I think they're generally less willing to completely let go. It's also easier for us to be "just friends" with members of the opposite sex, whether it's an ex or not, whereas for men this is much less common. I agree, and I'd like to add that the person giving the breadcrumbs is doing this because 1) they feel guilty about their poor actions, yet can't admit it; or 2) they think they are providing a charity be letting the other person down easy. Unless your ex giving breadcrumbs is a sociopath, I don't think they are trying to throw extra salt into the wound. They aren't aware of the damage they are doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Raina314 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) I agree, and I'd like to add that the person giving the breadcrumbs is doing this because 1) they feel guilty about their poor actions, yet can't admit it; or 2) they think they are providing a charity be letting the other person down easy. Unless your ex giving breadcrumbs is a sociopath, I don't think they are trying to throw extra salt into the wound. They aren't aware of the damage they are doing. Yes. I've admittedly reached out to all my exes at some point, even as the dumper because I did still care and I felt really bad for hurting someone I cared about. I wanted to fix it, and I didn't realize that leaving them alone was the better thing to do, at least for a while. I didn't dump anyone because I didn't care anymore, I did it because for whatever reason, I didn't see the relationship working out in the long term. The last thing I wanted was to rub salt in the wound and make the guy feel worse. Now I get that it's more helpful to let a person have their space, but that definitely wasn't my first impulse. Edited February 28, 2017 by Raina314 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) I agree, and I'd like to add that the person giving the breadcrumbs is doing this because 1) they feel guilty about their poor actions, yet can't admit it; or 2) they think they are providing a charity be letting the other person down easy. Unless your ex giving breadcrumbs is a sociopath, I don't think they are trying to throw extra salt into the wound. They aren't aware of the damage they are doing. Apparently she wanted to 'rebuild' the romantic r/ship on the basis of friendship. She ended it because we were fighting too much, or so she says, which i canunderstand. The way i see it is that she never wanted to see me happy and comfortable, because as soon as i was, she withdrew, i (understandably reacted by being insecure and questioning her on our status), then she broke up with me. As soon as i'd collected my things, she messaged me the exact same day demanding to be friends. I went NC for about 5-7 days, then broke it. I then went NC for a further five days, to which i received the breadcrumb. I left it for two days, then, as my response, started speed-texting her about about a few things... Needless to say, it didn't end well. She tried to phone, saying she'd like to talk if i would, but then one hour later sends this text saying she is tired, has no enrrgy for me. Doesn't care if i block her, she won't be contacting me again, and 'goodbye'.. I can kind of see where she's coming from, but just didn't trust her with the 'friendship' thing, and quite frankly, my emotions are out of control and i have never felt so stressed out about somebody. Now, i feel depleted and anxious. I'm also scattered, didn't sleep well, and have things to do today, which seems over-whelming. Edited February 28, 2017 by Cookies101 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookies101 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) Well, the long, hard grind of no contact continues. 7 days, including today. Had to come to the realisation yesterday that she is not coming back, nor approaching / contacting me in any way. I think i'm reaching the acceptance stage, that it's over. Regret a few things i said, and how i said it. Edited March 7, 2017 by Cookies101 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Well, the long, hard grind of no contact continues. 7 days, including today. Had to come to the realisation yesterday that she is not coming back, nor approaching / contacting me in any way. I think i'm reaching the acceptance stage, that it's over. Regret a few things i said, and how i said it. I'm personally glad you're able to acknowledge that and realise the outcome and what will benefit you for future reference. However, don't just assume that because on one particular day that the acceptance from your behalf is 100% thorough, because more often than not you begin to reminisce and the thoughts do come back (even if you do not want them too) and then you'll be in a conflicting spiral of desperation, grief and loss. You may have already encountered it, I'm sure enough certain you've endured it before, however it may come back so do just be ready if that time comes. What you do not need is to make significant progress and to jeopardize that because of a relapse in emotions to your ex and the scenarios that took place. I am not reprimanding or wanting to lecture you in any way, I just want to make you aware so that you'll be able to deal with the problem in a decent matter if need be. Take care. Things will get better, gradually. Link to post Share on other sites
Bromeo Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I see my favorites are all weighing in. You are in good company. Keiji, mag, and plt, along with myself have all been through the breadcrumbs. Any of our threads will show what damage these can cause to the dumpee. It is quite a grind, and one I can't properly explain. I have a knuckles down attitude with life, I can grind work, school, and life in general, but no contact has been a crucial struggle. I can tell you, 8 months in from my rather insane breakup, that it gets better. The burning desire to contact is gone, but I do vacillate between anger, guilt, happiness, and indifference. After months of chasing, I finally went nc before Xmas. The others on this thread know how crazy it had been. A month later she starts emailing - about nothing. This lasted a week. I simply couldn't do the push pull, and distancing any longer. So I cut her off. And dammit, I still miss her. Lol You have to have a you first attitude. I'm 6 weeks into final nc, and I still get stabs. So it takes time. Be patient. Dave 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Altair0770 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 It does get easier. I had to go to the crisis center. Having your heart break when you try so hard to please someone just does a lot to people with big hearts. I thought I would never be able to live without her. Now I have no urge to contact her. That may be different if I receive any breakcrumbs, but she's too fearful of a hostile reply that I doubt it will ever come, and I'm happy about that. It does get easier. Best to just ignore her for awhile. Shift the power in your hands. The second she sends you breadcrumbs, and you don't respond, you gain the upperhand. Link to post Share on other sites
curiouslysearching Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 After a six month tumultous relationship, my other half decided to call it quits. After a few days of silly texting, with my pouring out my heart and saying how "hurt" i was, making all sorts of accusations and generally showing my anger, we finally went NC last Thursday (16/2/17). It ended with her saying it was my moods and temperament that ended it for her. I still want you she said, but pointed to those allegations. She asked to be my "friend" straight afterwards. I have been good with No Contact, however, today (21/2/17) I broke it, to tell her what I thought. I noticed she did not close her options for meeting people online the whole time I was with her, that is what triggered it for me. I am ashamed of myself for breaking NC. Please help me with No Contact, I don't feel I have the willpower to carry it through. Are there any strategies that I can use? Time will hopefully heal things for you (it usually does). Link to post Share on other sites
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