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Still struggling


PLT

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I realised that I don't have my own thread, and as I use LS as a sort of journal, I thought it'd be good to have one.

 

My story is spread out over various threads, but a quick summary is that we were together for 4 years (the final year was VERY on and off. More off than on), and had known each other for 3 years prior to dating. We are both mid 40s. We went from being the "perfect couple", to now when if I contact her I risk being arrested. There was no physical abuse, and no cheating (as far as i know anyway!) She was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I still find that hard to accept, even though many people, both friends / family, folks on here, and professionals have told me that she was. She broke up for the final time with me in August 2016. I contacted her in October and after an initially cordial exchange, I told her that since the break up I had unwanted attention from someone I thought was a friend, and it reminded me of how much I missed her. She then accused me of sleeping with this person and after I kept trying to contact her for a few days, she called the police on me, for "harassment". She always said she knew was "too harsh" on me, yet never did anything to actually change it. Over Xmas I thought maybe the dust had settled and I tried to contact her again, via 3 emails in December, so not exactly intrusive. It's not like I was blowing up her phone, or going to her work, or going to her house, or anything that I would consider as harassment. Emails can be blocked, or deleted without being read after all. I think she used police as a way to punish me. A way to vent her anger out on me without actually having to speak to me. She knows full well that she has never been, and will never be in any danger from me. My final email was to wish her a happy new year, and that I was now giving up all hope as she clearly didn't think our relationship was worth trying to salvage. She didn't respond, and called police on me again, who turned up on my doorstep to give "words of advice" in the 2nd week of January this year. Even the police officer said "Yes, she does seem to be being a little excessive". There has been no contact since 30th December 2016.

 

 

Every day is another new challenge. No matter how many times I remind myself of the nightmare she has put me through. The mind games, the total lack of empathy, the immaturity, and the need to punish rather than to resolve, my mind always wanders back to when she was the most amazing person I have ever met.

 

I just cannot get my head around how we went from being completely compatible (the first 2 and a half years or so), to not being at all compatible (the final year-18 months). What the hell happened to her? She changed in every way imaginable, and not for the better. The contrast still haunts me. Maybe she would say the same about me. I suppose I did change. I went from being a man who was happy in his own skin and would take no crap from anyone, to being a doormat, tripping over myself trying to make her happy. Constantly trying to find that sweet spot for absolutely every subject imaginable. She was so contradictory. I still wonder what she meant when one minute she said "I want a man with balls!", and the next "I deserve someone who is compliant!" Surely these two things are the complete opposite of each other? I used to be the former, and I turned more into the latter, to a point. I wonder if it was really all about control. By having these contradictory "needs", I was forever off-balance.

 

This contradictory nature extended into everything. She would say, after 3 and a bit years together, that she only wanted to see me when we were going to have a "date", and then, within weeks of saying that, expect me to wander round the supermarket for 3 hours with her. Saying one thing and doing the opposite was the hallmark of our last year together. I ended up not knowing if I was coming or going most of the time.

 

She went from being fun, mature, appreciative, generous with her time and energy, loving and understanding to being very child like (to the point of sucking her thumb ALL the time, apart from when in public, which was just weird to me! She had done this before but it was only really when going to sleep. That didn't bother me at all), unappreciative of my efforts, vicious with her words, uncaring, unsupportive, and completely self absorbed. Suddenly all the things she used to say she loved about me, she would criticise.

 

That I was so very wrong about her for so long has made me question my judgement about everything. I used to think I was a pretty good judge of character.

 

You would think that I would be over the moon to be shot of her, but i'm not. I miss her terribly. Even during the bad final year, there were lots of good times, even though during that time I was never completely relaxed in the relationship anymore. It was always in the back of my mind. What was I going to do or not do, or say or not say, or think or not think that would piss her off this time. Was she just making it up as she went along? Did she just decide that she was going to be angry at me and then just fit the circumstances around that? I was always honest with her, and yet she would constantly call me a liar, over the silliest things that I had no reason to lie about. In fact the last thing she said to me was "You are full of ****".

 

Every day is a struggle to not contact her. Every day I have to remind myself that she unilaterally decided that our relationship wasn't worth fighting for. Every day I remind myself of all the stuff I write on here. That's why I write on here, to remind myself quite how dysfunctional and destructive our relationship had become.

 

I'm not saying I'm blameless. Far from it. I know I screwed up plenty. I know I handled situations badly. I know I said plenty of things I regret. Born out of pure frustration after having the same circular arguments for months on end, with no resolution ever in sight, but that's no excuse. BUT, I always tried to resolve issues. I tried to change things that upset her. I put real, concerted effort into making our relationship work again. It was so effortless for the first 2.5 years. She never made the slightest effort to change her behaviour. She kept saying things like "We really need to learn how to communicate better", or "I know I'm harsh on you, I promise I will go easier on you". Neither ever happened.

 

So why am I still finding it so hard to let go?

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I feel for you, As much as you think, there is no return there are two people in your head fighting constantly, your emotional side which sees her of who she was, and your logical side which is saying "she called the cops, yeah she was good but look at her now and look at us now, it cant work after all this"

That battle is mentally draining! it feels like your drowning and you know all you have to do is swim to shore but in ways you dont want to forget about her.

What i advise is to try move on and look objectively at the relationship?

Im trying that myself, its not easy, my ex is contacting me in some ways, but if you can get away from her to give yourself some time, and focus on yourself, it will help you!

 

Regardless of who screwed up, the relationship screwed up unfortunately, picture your relationship as a ball of paper, no matter how much you try to iron out the creases you wont get rid of them all... it aint easy! I'm in the thick of it myself!

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lovesgf thanks for your comment. You are right. It is a very mentally draining battle and on any given day a different voice in my head wins it. Often one voice will win in the morning, and then the other voice takes over in the afternoon. I guess I just want the internal battle to be over. I find myself thinking of sending her a birthday card (which isn't for another 3 months), and then telling myself to get a grip. Why would I want to send a nice birthday card to someone who has treated me and our almost 7 years of knowing each other with such complete disdain?

 

I am making baby steps to move on and do the cliched "work on myself". I quit smoking (for the 4th time. I'm determined it'll be the last time too!) 2 days ago. I've been out of work for a while for medical reasons and as well as starting to volunteer 2 months ago, I'm now making more of an effort to apply for paid work. The work situation in the UK is dire. For general admin work, which is where most of my work experience lies, there are 100+ applicants for every position, so it can get pretty depressing by itself. I haven't quit my degree, which I have been tempted to do a number of times over the past 6 months. I have started to de-clutter and deep clean my flat, which I had let slide for a while now. So there are positives.

 

But then it all feels like it's for nothing when she isn't around to share it with anymore, and I'm back to square one. I know I shouldn't place so much importance on her, but I do. I've been married twice, and have had 2 other long term relationships but the connection I had with this ex beats them all, hands down. So I find it very hard to believe that there is "better" waiting for me out there.

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Its hard because you actually suffered abuse and it can take a long time to recover from it. Maybe years.

 

The sad thing is in the eyes of society its not considered abuse... that you simply went thru a "bad break-up". So its hard to have a continued support network of people you know closely that you can lean on because they will feel overwhelmed with your problems.

 

Its a one man battle.

 

I wouldnt expect you to revover so quickly from the incident as the love bombing and mirroring opened up your heart 100% maybe for the first time?

 

To have the door shut... must be painful.

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Its hard because you actually suffered abuse and it can take a long time to recover from it. Maybe years.

 

The sad thing is in the eyes of society its not considered abuse... that you simply went thru a "bad break-up". So its hard to have a continued support network of people you know closely that you can lean on because they will feel overwhelmed with your problems.

 

Its a one man battle.

 

I wouldnt expect you to revover so quickly from the incident as the love bombing and mirroring opened up your heart 100% maybe for the first time?

 

To have the door shut... must be painful.

 

Hi Sweetfish. It's weird because a "bad break up" is sort of how I look at it too. I find it really difficult to accept that I was abused. My friends and family are all sick to death of hearing about her. They can't understand why I'm not jumping for joy at being free from her, so I just don't talk about it anymore. That's probably why LS is so important to me. It's a safe way of talking about it.

 

Yes, I've never experienced the mirroring and love bombing like this before. In fact it's only just dawning on me that that is what it was. Especially the mirroring. For example, at first, she would love coming to the pub with me to watch a football game. She loved playing pool. She loved watching what we used to call our "couple TV" like Under the Dome or Fargo. She used to play video games with me.

 

All the things I liked doing, she wanted to do. But she did it in such a way that it didn't feel like she was just doing what I wanted to do. It felt like it was her actually wanting to do these things that coincidentally I really enjoyed. That is one reason I felt we had such a connection, and why it was all so effortless in the beginning. We just "fit" naturally. It was amazing.

 

I had a busy life with childcare commitments, and a full time demanding job when we first met. As we lived 40 ish miles apart, I wondered if it would be an issue. I remember her exact words. "That's ok, I have stuff I need to get on with too. This way we both get the best of both worlds, and it means that we will make sure our time together is quality time." Oh how that attitude changed.

 

I've had one other person love bombing me before, but this ex was much more subtle about it. Although I look back and remember that she seemed to have an obsession with marriage before we had even been intimate. Her attitude back then was "So I'm good enough to ****, but not good enough to marry?" She knew that I was only a couple of years out of my second marriage, we had only been dating a matter of weeks, and I would not be rushed into anything, but I always made sure to add that that didn't mean never. It just meant it wasn't something I wanted to think about so early on.

 

Three years in when I asked to discuss where our relationship was going, her response was "You're not marriage material". Yeah, that cut pretty deep. Almost like she wanted me to feel like I was "Good enough to ****, not good enough to marry". She was good at twisting her own issues onto me like that.

 

As you say, having the door slammed shut in my face is just the icing on the cake really. It feels like she has done everything possible to make the break up as painful as possible for me, and I just don't understand that hatred from someone who spent so long telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

 

Damn, all my posts end up being so long.

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PLT, your description of your ex is almost identical to mine. I went through a similar breakup as well. Only instead of her calling the police on me for sending her 1 text, she had a man posing as her boyfriend call me using her cellphone. Basically he tried to intimidate me. Only I'm not one who gets intimidated. I threatened to kick his ass if we met and of course he backed off like a p***y. I never felt so humiliated in my life though. The 180 made me smh, even to this day. Women like our exes are spineless trash with absolutely no integrity, maturity and empathy. Screw them! Let them live their lives in misery because trust me, they are. You are a great person with a great heart. I can tell you grew up in a good family and was taught good values but her and my ex didn't. Very dysfunctional. Just a shame. Anyways, keep your head up friend. You'll get through it. Best of luck!

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PLT, your description of your ex is almost identical to mine. I went through a similar breakup as well. Only instead of her calling the police on me for sending her 1 text, she had a man posing as her boyfriend call me using her cellphone. Basically he tried to intimidate me. Only I'm not one who gets intimidated. I threatened to kick his ass if we met and of course he backed off like a p***y. I never felt so humiliated in my life though. The 180 made me smh, even to this day. Women like our exes are spineless trash with absolutely no integrity, maturity and empathy. Screw them! Let them live their lives in misery because trust me, they are. You are a great person with a great heart. I can tell you grew up in a good family and was taught good values but her and my ex didn't. Very dysfunctional. Just a shame. Anyways, keep your head up friend. You'll get through it. Best of luck!

 

You are so right! Spineless, soul-less trash about sums it up.

 

I spoke to my sister today who had a great perspective on things. She is a support worker so she needs to know about various psychology type things. She talked about each of us having 3 egos. The parent, the adult and the child. Healthy communication is adult - adult, but we all slip into "parent mode" or "child mode" from time to time. She said that from what she knew about my ex, she seemed to be missing the adult part, she was always either parent or child, and that is why our communication was always so dysfunctional. We were never able to communicate on an adult-adult level. This made a lot of sense to me. Of course my ex is also very un self aware, so she will never see it. It will always be the other's fault.

 

My sister is probably the person I trust most in the world when it comes to advice. We are very similar so she knows where I'm coming from.

 

Today was a good day.

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You are so right! Spineless, soul-less trash about sums it up.

 

I spoke to my sister today who had a great perspective on things. She is a support worker so she needs to know about various psychology type things. She talked about each of us having 3 egos. The parent, the adult and the child. Healthy communication is adult - adult, but we all slip into "parent mode" or "child mode" from time to time. She said that from what she knew about my ex, she seemed to be missing the adult part, she was always either parent or child, and that is why our communication was always so dysfunctional. We were never able to communicate on an adult-adult level. This made a lot of sense to me. Of course my ex is also very un self aware, so she will never see it. It will always be the other's fault.

 

My sister is probably the person I trust most in the world when it comes to advice. We are very similar so she knows where I'm coming from.

 

Today was a good day.

 

 

I would say that is a crude, but very basic understanding of whats probably going on.

 

She is a 2017 car with the ECU of a car from 1985. The the advance components are there to get the car to drive and get going (fuction in society)... but the computer is not advance enough to operate complex calculations (like relationships)

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I would say that is a crude, but very basic understanding of whats probably going on.

 

She is a 2017 car with the ECU of a car from 1985. The the advance components are there to get the car to drive and get going (fuction in society)... but the computer is not advance enough to operate complex calculations (like relationships)

 

I like that analogy.

 

To all intents and purposes, she is a fully functional adult. She has full time work, house is clean, bills get paid, and enjoys "adult" activities like going to museums, theatre and so on. But when it comes to anything involving emotions, she just hasn't got a clue.

 

So an update on how I'm doing:

 

I have made lots of small changes to my routine. For example, on the days I'm not volunteering and am studying from home all day, I have been staying in my lounge pants, and having the laptop in bed. I've changed this so that the laptop stays at my desk, and I get dressed even if I'm not expecting to go anywhere or have any visitors that day. It's really quite amazing how small changes like this can help lift your mood.

 

I'm keeping as busy as possible, and filling my routine with lots of "projects". I suppose one thing I'm a little worried about is Mid June- Start October, when there is no studying. I'm a (very) amateur photographer, so maybe I'll work on learning more about that.

 

For the first time, I feel like I'm embracing the freedom that being single gives me. My diary is starting to have less empty days in it. The ideas I have for things I want to do or learn or attend are not followed by a "but she won't like me doing that. Do I really want to have to argue about it?". Today, I feel free, and it feels so damn good. I'm not even thinking of how I'll feel tomorrow. I'm just going to enjoy today.

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Hi

 

I feel your pain.

 

Especially this part: Every day is another new challenge. No matter how many times I remind myself of the nightmare she has put me through. The mind games, the total lack of empathy, the immaturity, and the need to punish rather than to resolve, my mind always wanders back to when she was the most amazing person I have ever met.

 

That haunts me as well. With all that I have come to know in my situation and how one day all my dreams was coming to reality and the next day they all came crashing down like it was a bad dream...I still sit back and think about this wonderful man I fell in love with with a smile that won me over the first time I saw him. I will never forget that smile, ever. It hurts. Sorry I don't have the best advice right now, looking for some myself. But we are all here to listen and talk.

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I'm not going to lie emagyne, it is a tough road. You have to remind yourself daily, or even hourly if need be of the following things:

 

- THEY decided that your your relationship was not worth fighting for. That is not a reflection on you, it a reflection on them.

 

- They are not the same person you met anymore. Perhaps that person never existed in the first place. They just could not keep up the pretense anymore. The REAL them is the person that walked away and left you in the cold.

 

- You are NOT worthless. Regardless of who did what to who, you are worthy of happiness.

 

- They walked away, so contacting them in any way, shape or form is futile, and will only further hurt you. They have to come to you of their own free will for there to be ANY chance of successful reconciliation.

 

- For the future, become the person that if they bumped into you in a years time, they will regret that they let you go. Do it to prove to them that they were wrong to let you go, BUT don't tell them that.

 

- The best revenge is to be happy. It doesn't even matter if they know it or not. You will know it, and that's all that matters now.

 

Even if you don't believe it, keep telling yourself these things, until you DO believe it.

 

Best of luck with your progress.

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Hi PLT!

 

I'm so glad you created your own thread to share your story! I'm so sorry for what you have gone thru.... I can't imagine! I am happy you're starting to feel free again and enjoying your days! It feels great doesn't it? To plan dreams just for yourself!

 

Can I ask what you are studying? I would love to go back to school someday!

 

Have a great day my friend!

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Hi PLT!

 

I'm so glad you created your own thread to share your story! I'm so sorry for what you have gone thru.... I can't imagine! I am happy you're starting to feel free again and enjoying your days! It feels great doesn't it? To plan dreams just for yourself!

 

Can I ask what you are studying? I would love to go back to school someday!

 

Have a great day my friend!

 

Hi divegrl. Thanks for your comment. It does feel great to be able to do and plan whatever you want without being criticised for it at every turn. It is also tinged with sadness as it obviously wasn't always that way or I wouldn't have put up with her for 4 years.

 

I'm doing a degree in Astronomy. I was made redundant around 2 and a half years ago because of medical issues, and being only in my early 40s I wasn't going to just sit around twiddling my thumbs for the next 30 odd years, so decided to follow my dream. I had children young so I didn't go to Uni at the normal age of 18, but fate has given me the opportunity to do it now.

 

Because of circumstances and the system I have to do it part time in order to get the tuition loan, so it's a 6 year course rather than 3 full time. A big commitment. I'm coming towards the end of my 2nd year (exam on 8th June!) and am loving it. To be honest, along with my 11 year old son, its the one thing that has kept me going these past 6 months.

 

When I fulfil my dream of working at NASA (or the ESA, or CERN, or whatever, the world will be my oyster at that point) she will see what she missed out on! Well she won't as I'll have long since moved on completely by then but you know what I mean :)

 

I hope you are doing well!

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Today the rage is back. Stop this train, I want to get off.

 

I'm having quite a bit of trouble getting a good nights sleep. Every night my mind is working overtime, and I don't even know why anymore. No matter what I try to think about to send myself off to dreamland, it always ends up back to her. It's really starting to annoy the **** out of me, I don't want these thoughts anymore.

 

I've done all the processing needed. She cares about no one but herself. She was like it before I met her, and she'll still be like it now. She will never change and if she's found another mug she'll be playing the same bull**** games with them that she did to me. My life is so much calmer now she has ****ed off and I am able to enjoy things again now. I KNOW I'm better off without her drama and games and controlling, abusive behaviour. And yet, when I turn out the lights and close my eyes, the fantasy comes back. The fantasy I now know was never real in the first place.

 

**** you *****! You have no concept of the pain you have caused.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T
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PLT, when my ex dumped me, she said she was living in a fantasy. It was all bs. she said she finally woke up. what a rough relationship she had. I went above and beyond. I was going to take her to Italy to my house there, meet my other family, and take her around.

 

I was going to buy her a promise ring to show my dedication. That she was the only one. I was going to give it to her on the beach. I was going to text her meet me at the end of the sea, in long beach, at our spot. I had fruit and dessert ready. The italy tickets were in the basket.

 

And get this!!!!!!!!!!! want to see what kind of a fool I am? My cousin in italy, is a historian. He also wrote a book about our town. Now in italy, each town has a castle. The main square. All on a mountain. The castle in my town, half of it was converted into a restaurant. Its gorgeous. You can over look the whole valley. you can see miles into the next towns. Now check this out...

 

Back to my cousin. Because he is a historian, he knows the director of the castle. I had HALF OF THE RESTAURANT IN A FREAKIN CASTLE CLOSED OFF FOR US!!! Yes. Name ONE WOMAN in the states, especially here in new york, that can say, my boy friend blocked off part of a CASTLE for us to eat dinner. STILL NOT HAPPY!!! Are there good women left??? I have no idea!!!! That is why, I am DONE. awww what a bad relationship. I was TOO NICE SHE SAID. you know what? Go back to the men that cheated on you and hit you. I will just smile. No remorse. No Fks to give.

 

Ride out the rage. Be angry, let it out. use it as fuel. Thats my pre workout for the gym.

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PLT: hearing (reading) about you talk so passionately about Astronomy was a turn on! By that, i don't mean i am trying to crack on to you over the internet... What i mean is that it was so great to see the passion in what you were explaining, and i kind of got caught up in that passion. So, what i am saying is that passion for what you do, and focus, is a very attractive quality in a human being, so keep on doing it :)

 

Sorano: What a mad woman. Women all over complain that guys aren't nice enough, yet you were offering this amazing romantic and cultural experience. I think your ex is one can short of a six pack :rolleyes:

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Dude that is ****ing crazy! Seriously messed up! I also went to great lengths to show her how much she meant to me, and you're right, it was never enough. Some people are so self absorbed and caught up in the throwaway culture of today, that they are always convinced they can do "better". I hope these people fall flat on their face, and realise that what they had with dudes like us is a RARE thing.

 

The fantasy I had was simply that when things got rough, we would both care enough about the relationship to put the effort in to make it work. The truth is she thinks she doesn't need to put any emotional effort in. She thinks its fine for her to belittle others but god forbid they bite back. She thinks its fine to lie through her teeth just to put someone else on the back foot.

 

Relationships to her are just a game that she has to win. I'm so angry that I invested 4 years, and all my emotional energy into her,

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PLT, when my ex dumped me, she said she was living in a fantasy. It was all bs. she said she finally woke up. what a rough relationship she had. I went above and beyond. I was going to take her to Italy to my house there, meet my other family, and take her around.

 

I was going to buy her a promise ring to show my dedication. That she was the only one. I was going to give it to her on the beach. I was going to text her meet me at the end of the sea, in long beach, at our spot. I had fruit and dessert ready. The italy tickets were in the basket.

 

And get this!!!!!!!!!!! want to see what kind of a fool I am? My cousin in italy, is a historian. He also wrote a book about our town. Now in italy, each town has a castle. The main square. All on a mountain. The castle in my town, half of it was converted into a restaurant. Its gorgeous. You can over look the whole valley. you can see miles into the next towns. Now check this out...

 

Back to my cousin. Because he is a historian, he knows the director of the castle. I had HALF OF THE RESTAURANT IN A FREAKIN CASTLE CLOSED OFF FOR US!!! Yes. Name ONE WOMAN in the states, especially here in new york, that can say, my boy friend blocked off part of a CASTLE for us to eat dinner. STILL NOT HAPPY!!! Are there good women left??? I have no idea!!!! That is why, I am DONE. awww what a bad relationship. I was TOO NICE SHE SAID. you know what? Go back to the men that cheated on you and hit you. I will just smile. No remorse. No Fks to give.

 

Ride out the rage. Be angry, let it out. use it as fuel. Thats my pre workout for the gym.

 

Mine was a small town lass from Indiana. I got her into an excerise program, helped enrolled her in college for accounting and equestrian, did her resume, helped her get several jobs, took her to conventions, volunteering, was constantly buying her things, and eventually moved her in. Let's say with certainty that none of those things are occurring now. She tends bar at a dive in her small town.

 

"I needed tires for my car and you bought shoes!" - verbatim quote from a 35 year old woman, after I sold some collectibles on eBay to buy a pair of boots I was wanting.

 

When she moved out, I asked her for one last talk before she got her things. She broke in twice while I was away on travel, and brought other people to help her, traipsing through my home.

 

Amazingly, I took her to a very expensive dinner after this, and she fought and complained all night. Tried to throw herself out my truck, and told me she was going to call the cops and have me arrested for rape. I told her to go for it. Lol

 

She came over the next week, to collect her diamond bracelet, had sex with me, told me she loved me, disappeared, and later called it casual sex. Yup.

 

Somehow (am I disabled?), I forgave this all this, and wrote emails, poetry, sang to her via voicemail, put together gift packages, anything I could think of to broker even a conversation. All that got me was months of pain, ignoring, and "I'm seeing someone." Oh, and when I went to her bar, told her I wanted to marry her and have babies, she made fun of me to her loser friends.

 

But she sure would meet up to collect the things I had for her. Yup.

 

Couple months later she begins emailing after I finally have enough, and tries her stupid games again. This lasts one week before I cut her off, block her on FB, etc. she sees she's blocked, all our pics get deleted. Guess life isn't perfect, eh?

 

I am no saint, and I take responsibility for my part, but the facts above stand on their face.

 

I get it, the anger. I say with conviction I'll never chase another post breakup.

 

My favorite quote was "you being like this is why all the women you have loved in your life have left you."

 

We were on our way to a distillery in Michigan for a tour, tasting, and dinner.

 

I turned around and took her back.

 

So I get it. And I needed this thread this morning.

 

Thanks everyone, and be safe.

 

Dave

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Speaking of ****ed up quotes from the ex, here's a few of mine....

 

"Do you think you drive women into the arms of other men?"

 

"Are you gay?" (because I got upset at a particularly cruel thing she said about my dead nephew)

 

"Why don't you go back to your ex wife so that no one else is subjected to your sons behaviour?" (My son shot a friggin nerf gun at her...he was 9 ffs. He got told off and the gun taken away from him but really????)

 

"You're a grown man, I shouldn't need to tell you how to resolve things" (after me asking what more I could do to make things better as I'd tried everything and had run out of ideas at that point)

 

"I don't do resolution" (after asking her why she kept bringing up minor stuff from years ago that I thought had been resolved years ago)

 

"I don't do empathy" (after being accused of seeking sympathy because I was feeling down about my dead children, and saying I didn't want sympathy, but some empathy would be nice)

 

"You're getting the real me now, not that soft and fluffy bull****" (This was 2 YEARS in, I guess at least she admits she was a total fake)

 

"I want a man with balls!", followed by "I deserve a man that is compliant!" (I see no person on earth able to simultaneously stand up to her and be controlled by her)

 

"I don't want someone else's cast offs!" (says the person who forgets she was also single, and had also had failed relationships in the past.)

 

"You compromise so I don't have to"

 

"If I get bored with someone I'll just go get another one"

 

"When I go to a club I can pick out any man and decide "I'll have you""

 

 

"You use what happened to you as an excuse for your behaviour" (In this case, it was explaining that the reason I hate going to bed on an argument goes back to when my dad committed suicide. As if not wanting to go to bed on a row is bad thing!)

 

"I'm shallow, whats wrong with that?" (after years of saying that there is more to life than level of income, or looks alone, which mirrors my own view of the world)

 

****, now I'm really angry again after remembering all this ****.

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Dude that is ****ing crazy! Seriously messed up! I also went to great lengths to show her how much she meant to me, and you're right, it was never enough. Some people are so self absorbed and caught up in the throwaway culture of today, that they are always convinced they can do "better". I hope these people fall flat on their face, and realise that what they had with dudes like us is a RARE thing.

 

The fantasy I had was simply that when things got rough, we would both care enough about the relationship to put the effort in to make it work. The truth is she thinks she doesn't need to put any emotional effort in. She thinks its fine for her to belittle others but god forbid they bite back. She thinks its fine to lie through her teeth just to put someone else on the back foot.

 

Relationships to her are just a game that she has to win. I'm so angry that I invested 4 years, and all my emotional energy into her,

 

we are rare. yes, I am going to pat myself on my back. I am confident on who I am. All I did was love her. I am not a hard person to deal with. I get a long with everyone. All I wanted was to feel the love back. All she did was talk. Oh our house, what are we going to name our kids, where are we going to live...........blah blah blah. The bark was loud but she never backed it up. show me instead. show me that you loved me. That is all I wanted. To feel loved and wanted.

 

I have no idea how some people sleep at night. what a spineless disgusting beast. I am at the stage where I don't miss her. I just have anger now. I am past that bull****. I am just enraged on how I was treated, how it was my fault, etc. All that nonsense.

 

I hope I don't offend any women on here because I am sure there are a few good ones left but I have every right to be angry and to have my opinion. want to confuse the modern day woman? Be a gentleman, be nice, be romantic and show them you care. They dont know how to handle that. A warning. You may get dumped, be called too nice, etc. You get the idea.

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Speaking of ****ed up quotes from the ex, here's a few of mine....

 

"Do you think you drive women into the arms of other men?"

 

"Are you gay?" (because I got upset at a particularly cruel thing she said about my dead nephew)

 

"Why don't you go back to your ex wife so that no one else is subjected to your sons behaviour?" (My son shot a friggin nerf gun at her...he was 9 ffs. He got told off and the gun taken away from him but really????)

 

"You're a grown man, I shouldn't need to tell you how to resolve things" (after me asking what more I could do to make things better as I'd tried everything and had run out of ideas at that point)

 

"I don't do resolution" (after asking her why she kept bringing up minor stuff from years ago that I thought had been resolved years ago)

 

"I don't do empathy" (after being accused of seeking sympathy because I was feeling down about my dead children, and saying I didn't want sympathy, but some empathy would be nice)

 

"You're getting the real me now, not that soft and fluffy bull****" (This was 2 YEARS in, I guess at least she admits she was a total fake)

 

"I want a man with balls!", followed by "I deserve a man that is compliant!" (I see no person on earth able to simultaneously stand up to her and be controlled by her)

 

"I don't want someone else's cast offs!" (says the person who forgets she was also single, and had also had failed relationships in the past.)

 

"You compromise so I don't have to"

 

"If I get bored with someone I'll just go get another one"

 

"When I go to a club I can pick out any man and decide "I'll have you""

 

 

"You use what happened to you as an excuse for your behaviour" (In this case, it was explaining that the reason I hate going to bed on an argument goes back to when my dad committed suicide. As if not wanting to go to bed on a row is bad thing!)

 

"I'm shallow, whats wrong with that?" (after years of saying that there is more to life than level of income, or looks alone, which mirrors my own view of the world)

 

****, now I'm really angry again after remembering all this ****.

 

LOL! I don't have quotes but I have dialogues. Too much to type. But its similar to what you just posted.

 

she got mad at me once because I told her, she says stupid things. which she did. I have manners. I have a filter. I was given a set of rules to live by when I was young on how to talk and treat people. Apparently, not too many people got those rules. she would say some stupid mean crap. But to her, it was normal.

 

10 fold.

Edited by sorano
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I'm following this thread with a lot of interest. I can picture you guys laughing hard about this in a not so distant future. The more outlandish the ex and her actions, the sooner you'll think, "what the hell was I doing?". I'm telling you this because in the last six years I was cheated on by my wife, with two different guys, robbed of everything I had, and treated like garbage. Then I got into a toxic relationship that took me straight to the shrink's coach, literally. Then I met a narcissist beauty with the mental age of a 12-year old; two years down the drain. Last summer I met "the one" once again; turns out she has more traumas than a full regiment of war veterans.

 

If I started quoting them I'd take up the whole bandwidth of this forum. But after a lot of suffering, anxiety, depression and the whole drama scene, all there's left is laughter when I look back. Hang in there, guys.

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Keiji,

 

The laughing I hope will start soon. Now I'm in the angry stage, and I more cringe at how lovesick I acted. It's taken much consoling from my female friends to pull me out of the guilty stage.

 

One lady friend of mine is a very beautiful makeup artist to Hollywood types. She stated that under no circumstances was how I got treated ok, and better yet, although my exs feelings were hurt, that doesn't give her the right to continuously hurt me for months in return. Better yet, any one of my list of grievances are deal breakers, and she should have been clear from the start. People who love each other don't want to hurt the other under any circumstances.

 

A tough-as-nails female marine friend commented that I will continue to be angry until I quit looking back, and accept how much better I am than her, and this situation. The anger stems from frustration of inaction, rejection, and getting treated like dirt and discarded. The contentment will come when I stop hoping and start moving forward.

 

Finally, I am envious of those who have mutual breakups, breakup conversations, or even communication with their exs. I basically was ghosted after a very intense 18 months. I keep discipline at this point by imagining mine getting plowed by the mopes at her bar.

 

And yeah, I'm angry, and wish the haze would lift at some point. I am so much better than this, and gents, you are too.

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Oh I really hope you are right Keiji.

 

Right now I feel emotionally stuck. I'm starting to beat myself up because I'm not over her and it's been over 6 months now. I'm able to function fine, but the dominant thought in my mind is always her. Sometimes it's sad thoughts, sometimes it's angry thoughts, sometimes it's even happy thoughts, but she is there, 24/7. The rest of life seems pretty pointless. My life feels mundane and joyless without her.

 

I wake up every day with no excitement about the day ahead. I just want the day over with so I can have the peace that sleep usually brings, and I'm sick of feeling this way. I have the occasional bright day or two when I am optimistic about the future but these are few and far between. Things that used to bring me joy no longer do. Everything I do is just time wasting.

 

I have done a lot of soul searching these past 6 months and although I won't put a label or diagnosis on her, she was definitely very abusive and controlling. In fact she is obsessed with control in relationships. On who "wears the trousers". It was all she ever talked about if we were people watching.

 

My logical side says that she should be no loss to my life really. Physically, I don't think I've ever been attracted more to anyone in my life, which is odd because when we first met I wasn't that attracted to her. It grew over time. Even after 3 years though, I was still madly attracted to her. Unfortunately, scratch beneath the surface and she's rotten and ugly.

 

My emotional side just keeps thinking of the person she was for the first 2.5 years, how she was so goddamn perfect for me, and how someone else is likely now enjoying that. I feel like I'm going crazy because I just can't seem to let go, no matter how hard I try. Maybe that's because of the way it ended, it feels like there is still unfinished business between us. My heart just refuses to accept what my head logically knows.

 

I think about suicide a lot. Not that I would ever actually do it, I simply would not do that to my family and children. But I think how it would put an end to all the pain that just refuses to go away. I'm sleepwalking through life and I hate it. I keep trying to change it but am having no success.

 

Reading this all back, I think I may need to go and see the doctor on Monday. I can't carry on like this.

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PLT: hearing (reading) about you talk so passionately about Astronomy was a turn on! By that, i don't mean i am trying to crack on to you over the internet... What i mean is that it was so great to see the passion in what you were explaining, and i kind of got caught up in that passion. So, what i am saying is that passion for what you do, and focus, is a very attractive quality in a human being, so keep on doing it :)

 

Sorano: What a mad woman. Women all over complain that guys aren't nice enough, yet you were offering this amazing romantic and cultural experience. I think your ex is one can short of a six pack :rolleyes:

 

Sorry I somehow missed this post until just now! Thank you. You put a smile on my face :) In truth it's the only thing I seem to be able to get excited about these days. I'm dreading the summer in some ways, when the studying stops for 4 months. My ex found it "boring". Whenever I was excited about something new I learnt, and would try to talk about it, she would roll her eyes, and do a fake yawn. It was usually something quite simple, or a "Did you know..." type thing, like calculating how many nuclear power plants we would need to output the same amount of energy as the sun. I guess I need to find myself a "geekier" girl. I'm not sure they exist in my age group though. Everyone seems far more obsessed with celebrity culture, or gossip.

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