There's no confusion on the right path

[divegrl]

"There's no confusion on the right path". This is a quote from my friend when I was going thru a painful breakup a couple of years ago. I am now using that quote with this breakup. If there is ever confusion or actions I don't understand from my ex..... that is not the right path and I need to stay away.

 

Starting my own thread as to not take over the coping thread. Quick summary. In relationship for 6 months. Broke up 1 month ago. Last round NC made it 10 days and then caved to text from my ex. This set me back to square one. This time I'm determined to keep NC and will be posting here every day. I can't think about not contacting him for months. But I can hold myself to not contacting him for one day.... this day.

 

I guess an accountability of sorts. So NC day 5.

 

Peace my friends.

[d0nnivain]

Best wishes. Healing is not linear as you have found out but you can take it 1 day at a time.

[StrangerThanFiction]

That's a really good way to look at it. Just taking it one day at a time. I think trying to plan too far into the future can feel a little overwhelming at times but if you can just commit to keeping NC for today it feels much more manageable. Then one day you'll wake up and see that you've maintained NC for a week, a month, 6 months, and so on. You're doing fine. Big hugs

[divegrl]

Best wishes. Healing is not linear as you have found out but you can take it 1 day at a time.

 

Thanks so much. I actually wrote about healing not being linear in another post! Funny. Yes.... one day at a time.

 

Hugs

[divegrl]

That's a really good way to look at it. Just taking it one day at a time. I think trying to plan too far into the future can feel a little overwhelming at times but if you can just commit to keeping NC for today it feels much more manageable. Then one day you'll wake up and see that you've maintained NC for a week, a month, 6 months, and so on. You're doing fine. Big hugs

 

Awww thanks! We will get thru this! I cannot wait until that day when I am completely indifferent about him!

 

Big hugs to you my friend!

[divegrl]

I believe one of our greatest desires is to be FULLY known and FULLY loved. To have relationships (romantic, friends, family, spiritual), where they see all our downfalls, mess ups, mistakes and brokenness. But still stay and LOVE and ACCEPT us.

 

Take care my friends.

 

NC day 6.

[divegrl]

Letting go is hard

 

Holding in is harder

 

NC day 7

[MeadowFlower]

Awww thanks! We will get thru this! I cannot wait until that day when I am completely indifferent about him!

I wonder when that day will come for me....sigh.

[divegrl]

I wonder when that day will come for me....sigh.

 

Awww meadow flower! You are so sweet. I have to admit that I have stalked your loveshack posts since joining.... I relate to them so much! I have the post about never being treated as a second option copied to my phone!!!!

 

I know it's hard but u can do this! I can do this! We can all cross the finish line together! Have a beautiful night and know how loved and worthy you are!

 

Hugs

[divegrl]

In Japan broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object's history which adds to its beauty. Consider this when you feel broken.

 

I am so thankful for everything and everyone I've experienced in this life! All the breakups, divorces, layoffs, hurts and heartaches. These experiences have shaped me into the beautiful unique person I am today! I am more resilient, loving, empathetic because of my past!

 

Let's all use this hurt to grow into a person who is more beautiful on the inside and out! Let's find JOY from within ourselves; not from another person, job, achievement, title or label! Let's all be the LOVE in an all too dark world!

 

Wishing you.... yes YOU a beautiful day!

 

NC day 8

[divegrl]

Hi beautiful friends!

 

You know that one person or thing you think you have to have? That one thing you think you desperately need? Guess what!? You don't need it. Really that person or thing is not what we're truly looking for. It's just our ego's search for wholeness! We are fully complete, fully whole right now in the present moment!

 

The key is to go deeper into that moment. The sights, smells and sounds. Let's get out of our minds and be fully present to the blessings surrounding us right now!!!! Practice gratitude! Be thankful for what is!

 

Peace to all my friends!

 

NC day 9!!!!!!

[divegrl]

Hi All!!!

 

So today is not going to be all cotton candy and gumdrops as usual!

 

I feel I have hit a turning point....I have done a fair amount of healing from my most recent ex. The next part is growth! My friends are all telling me I should start dating again. To which my response is NO WAY! This is for multiple reasons: I don't think I could delineate between a good guy vs bad guy right now, if I did start dating a good guy....I am not sure I am 100% ready for a healthy relationship. My next phase of growth is really learning about boundaries.

 

Soooo... my relationship with my ex husband has really been weighing on my chest. I was with him for 8 years. It started great... when we had our first child, I remember the very words spoken by her pediatrician. "Don't become a martyr". This was after I told her everything I was planning on accomplishing with my new baby in tow. In my 20s I had boundless energy, and could easily work full time, take care of baby, have great friendships and a great relationship with husband.

 

Fast forward a couple of years. We had now had our second child and had to relocate thousands of miles away for my husbands job. When we moved to the new location I immediately got a job and things went well for a couple years. Around 5 years in, things began changing. I was now in my 30s and my energy levels had simply dropped. By all accounts I was normal and healthy, I just needed 7 hours of sleep and a bit of rest time each week. My schedule at work was awful.... I would get up every morning... get the kids ready for preschool, drop them off. Work at the office for 10 hours. Come home make dinner, put the kids to bed. And then work a couple more hours from home. On Saturday I worked a half day and then did chores. On Sunday, I spent some much needed time with the kids and did more chores. Based off this schedule I had no time for friendships, my family did not live close and I was run thin.

 

At this point I went to my husband and said I need to reduce my hours. It was at this same point however that his hours were reduced from his job. His response was... just maintain the status quo for a couple more months...until he could find a more stable job. This went on for 6 more months and I was actually hospitalized for a health issue, that I believe was related to stress and being overworked. I again went to my husband and his words were, Don't be so weak. There are a ton of moms who do 10 times more than you and don't complain. At this point I felt completely isolated. He still had not gotten a new job. And at this point he was spending money like crazy. He said the kids and I were causing him too much stress and he needed to go on hunting/fishing trips to handle everything.

 

At this point, my self esteem had dropped completely. I was working and taking care of the kids all the time. I had no support structure. My husband was working a couple of hours during the day and then relaxed the rest of the day while the kids were in preschool. He would then go on a trip every Sunday. I look at this now, and I cannot believe what I put up with. I was so busy running around taking care of everything, that I simply did not have time to objectively look at the relationship. My husband kept telling me that I needed to be stronger and things would change soon. But they never did.

 

Finally after a couple more months of this... he told me he was leaving me. He said he found a woman that was strong and capable. At the time I was completely devastated, but I now realize this is the BEST thing that could have happened. We mutually broke, I moved closer to friends and family and began healing. And you know what? A couple months later... the new girl kicked him to the curb and he came begging me back!

 

I did not see it then, but I now believe the bolded behavior was gaslighting. I look back at the woman I was a couple of years ago, and realize how strong I was was. Taking care of my kids, providing for my family, being a loyal wife. The opposite of the week pathetic being my husband told me I was. Anyways I look back at my relationship and wonder how I lowered my self esteem so quickly. My original group of friends said I was confident, determined and accomplished and cannot believe how I came back as very insecure and unstable. My first thought is sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep will make you go crazy, leaving you with unbalanced emotions and delayed cognitive responses. With two young kids I basically went 2 full years without getting the adequate amount of sleep I needed. And also, I was so caught up in the busyness of getting everything done that I simply put my needs on the back burner. This was the worst mistake, as it became a deadly slippery slope as my self esteem dropped which lead to a further downward spiral.

 

Wow! I'm looking back at my post and realizing how much I need to release!!! So if anyone is still here reading this... I basically need to ensure healthy boundaries are maintained in all my relationships. People who do not have healthy boundaries have low self esteem. So I need to make sure I always have time for myself, for personal growth and reflection. Especially in romantic relationships.... where I tend to lose myself in the very beginning stages. Always maintaining my own sense of identity, my own sense of self worth. Maintaining the emotional intelligence to define my own needs and asking for help when I need it.

 

So THIS is what I'm working on! Have a beautiful day my friends!

[divegrl]

I just had to come and quickly post on here. First love is an action not a feeling. What is that feeling of butterflies we all have? Lust. True love is an action that we show one another. Sacrifice, compromise. Take heart day to truly love your family and friends!

 

Secondly I just had an interaction with my ex. Well, one of his "friends" texted me and said how much my ex missed me. I ignored. Then his friend said he "has a heart of gold for me" and was just going thru a hard time. I ignored. Then his friend said my ex wanted to see me. I finally broke down and texted "I care about my ex a lot however we are not right for each other". The response I got back was a mean comment about me calling me a nasty name. I ignored and blocked. At this point I think this was my ex truly texting from his friends phone. I'm just so fed up with this! It's like I've blocked him on all avenues I know of. I'm seriously thinking about getting a new phone number and moving too! If I get a text from any of his other friends.... I'm ignoring and blocking immediately! I want to be done with this!

 

I really don't like to label people but I have already determined that he displayed avoidant behavior. At this point he is acting extremely controlling and lacking empathy. I have had a lot of years of dating experience and this is the only one that has really thrown me for a loop! I truly have no desire to get back with him, so I will not be posting here every day. But I will post when he tries to reach out to me as I don't want to go down that rabbit hole again!!!!

 

Other than that everything else is going good. Oh and I'm definitely going to be more cautious about the people I date! Stay strong my friends!!!

[whatdeww18]

I just had to come and quickly post on here. First love is an action not a feeling. What is that feeling of butterflies we all have? Lust. True love is an action that we show one another. Sacrifice, compromise. Take heart day to truly love your family and friends!

 

Secondly I just had an interaction with my ex. Well, one of his "friends" texted me and said how much my ex missed me. I ignored. Then his friend said he "has a heart of gold for me" and was just going thru a hard time. I ignored. Then his friend said my ex wanted to see me. I finally broke down and texted "I care about my ex a lot however we are not right for each other". The response I got back was a mean comment about me calling me a nasty name. I ignored and blocked. At this point I think this was my ex truly texting from his friends phone. I'm just so fed up with this! It's like I've blocked him on all avenues I know of. I'm seriously thinking about getting a new phone number and moving too! If I get a text from any of his other friends.... I'm ignoring and blocking immediately! I want to be done with this!

 

I really don't like to label people but I have already determined that he displayed avoidant behavior. At this point he is acting extremely controlling and lacking empathy. I have had a lot of years of dating experience and this is the only one that has really thrown me for a loop! I truly have no desire to get back with him, so I will not be posting here every day. But I will post when he tries to reach out to me as I don't want to go down that rabbit hole again!!!!

 

Other than that everything else is going good. Oh and I'm definitely going to be more cautious about the people I date! Stay strong my friends!!!

 

I am loving your posts! You're really expressing yourself in a healthy way and I believe in you and your strength to be the best you that you can be

 

I know you're doing a lot of healing and I tried to read more of the back story on how the break up occurred with your ex. I'm surprised, you never actually posted a thread about the break up! Look at you, what a trooper!

 

I just want to ask how you think your ex is controlling? The lacking empathy part, I can understand... It seems your goal is to completely move on and heal, right? Then, you're doing a fine job. Your ex is finally understanding the loss, and he's going through what you went through a month ago. Probably just started and can't even handle half the pain we went through, right?

 

Can't wait to hear more of your posts, but I think you've got more than enough going for you! Even after your "ex's friend" reached out, do you think you will cave in the future?

 

Maybe changing your phone number would be good. Don't move though! There's no reason to uproot your amazing life there because of one guy. Not even worth your time and effort to do that.

 

Keep your amazing chin up

[divegrl]

I am loving your posts! You're really expressing yourself in a healthy way and I believe in you and your strength to be the best you that you can be

 

I know you're doing a lot of healing and I tried to read more of the back story on how the break up occurred with your ex. I'm surprised, you never actually posted a thread about the break up! Look at you, what a trooper!

 

I just want to ask how you think your ex is controlling? The lacking empathy part, I can understand... It seems your goal is to completely move on and heal, right? Then, you're doing a fine job. Your ex is finally understanding the loss, and he's going through what you went through a month ago. Probably just started and can't even handle half the pain we went through, right?

 

Can't wait to hear more of your posts, but I think you've got more than enough going for you! Even after your "ex's friend" reached out, do you think you will cave in the future?

 

Maybe changing your phone number would be good. Don't move though! There's no reason to uproot your amazing life there because of one guy. Not even worth your time and effort to do that.

 

Keep your amazing chin up

 

Thanks so much! lol I don't think the break up story is on here because there really was no break up. He ghosted and then came back a couple of days later and said he was busy and could not be with me. I blocked him for like a week. I then unblocked him, silly me, and he sent a ton of texts about how much he loved me and missed me. I responded and then silence. A couple of days later he said he wanted to be with me and wished I was with him. It then became a cycle of "I love you" then ignore. It drove me crazy, and I finally had enough and then blocked him.

 

Things were going well until his friend reached out today! Why did I fall for it! It's obviously affecting me if I have to come and write the whole story on the internet! I have now blocked all of his friends. I think he is controlling because he texts me and leave voicemails about how much he loves me and then ignores me. He is not doing this anymore since I blocked him, but I think reaching out to me from a friends phone is crossing the line. It's like he wants to get his ego validated from me and then disappear again.

 

I'm now starting to question our whole 6 month relationship. Was it always like this? I really think he was on his best behavior and now just revealing his true self. I'm just so done talking about him. I am focusing on my life, my kids, my family. I've been able to make new friends and things are getting better. Every time he pops up it takes the focus off of me!

 

Anyways thanks so much for your response. One day at a time my friend. I know we will make it thru this!!! Big hugs!

[whatdeww18]

Thanks so much! lol I don't think the break up story is on here because there really was no break up. He ghosted and then came back a couple of days later and said he was busy and could not be with me. I blocked him for like a week. I then unblocked him, silly me, and he sent a ton of texts about how much he loved me and missed me. I responded and then silence. A couple of days later he said he wanted to be with me and wished I was with him. It then became a cycle of "I love you" then ignore. It drove me crazy, and I finally had enough and then blocked him.

 

Things were going well until his friend reached out today! Why did I fall for it! It's obviously affecting me if I have to come and write the whole story on the internet! I have now blocked all of his friends. I think he is controlling because he texts me and leave voicemails about how much he loves me and then ignores me. He is not doing this anymore since I blocked him, but I think reaching out to me from a friends phone is crossing the line. It's like he wants to get his ego validated from me and then disappear again.

 

I'm now starting to question our whole 6 month relationship. Was it always like this? I really think he was on his best behavior and now just revealing his true self. I'm just so done talking about him. I am focusing on my life, my kids, my family. I've been able to make new friends and things are getting better. Every time he pops up it takes the focus off of me!

 

Anyways thanks so much for your response. One day at a time my friend. I know we will make it thru this!!! Big hugs!

 

I'm so sorry to hear he basically ghosted... That's such a rough break up and I can't imagine the type of pain you went through! Even more reason, you know you deserve so much better and to not be talking to this guy. Would like to say definitely change your number!

 

Of course, that can all be so confusing... Ahhh I think I would label it more as manipulative. He gets what he wants, and then leaves again. When you said controlling, it had me worried that he was doing something else. In either case, you know you're worth soooo much more than that bs.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you! I don't think you need to question the 6 months, they were great for the both of you! You never know what might be going on, and that's the problem with break ups, right? You wonder what might be going on in their head, you probably won't ever know. Have to not wonder and like you said earlier, focus time at home with your lovely kids and having some fun being alone! Maybe paint your nails, get a couple glasses of wine in, and watch a movie with the family! Perfect night right there, am I right? Or, am I right? hahaha!

 

Hope you're having a great day

[divegrl]

I'm so sorry to hear he basically ghosted... That's such a rough break up and I can't imagine the type of pain you went through! Even more reason, you know you deserve so much better and to not be talking to this guy. Would like to say definitely change your number!

 

Of course, that can all be so confusing... Ahhh I think I would label it more as manipulative. He gets what he wants, and then leaves again. When you said controlling, it had me worried that he was doing something else. In either case, you know you're worth soooo much more than that bs.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you! I don't think you need to question the 6 months, they were great for the both of you! You never know what might be going on, and that's the problem with break ups, right? You wonder what might be going on in their head, you probably won't ever know. Have to not wonder and like you said earlier, focus time at home with your lovely kids and having some fun being alone! Maybe paint your nails, get a couple glasses of wine in, and watch a movie with the family! Perfect night right there, am I right? Or, am I right? hahaha!

 

Hope you're having a great day

 

Awww thanks!!!! Yup I had sushi and chocolate strawberries!!! So good! My little girl was sick so I got to snuggle with my love bug!! :love:

 

I hope you had an amazing day! So proud of you!

 

Hugs!

[divegrl]

What I'm searching for is found within

 

[divegrl]

Night handsome

[divegrl]

Night handsome

 

Whoa where did this come from!? I have been having some extremely busy days and am now battling an infection. Yesterday was a sad day for me. I felt like we had just broken up and I've made no progress. But today is much better!!!! I realize most of my days are ok, but some are still pretty tough. But I have grown leaps and bounds in the past 6 weeks!

 

My beautiful friends, I don't know your circumstance or your life situation. But I wanted to tell you that you are WORTHY, you are LOVED and you are ENOUGH.

 

Wishing everyone a beautiful day! Hugs!

[divegrl]

I have been in relationships my entire adult life.... jumping from one to the next without any grieving or growth period. After my divorce I knew I had to be single for a while to take some time to heal and grow.

 

2 years. It took 2 long hard, soul searching years. But in that time I grew into a beautiful, loving and joyful person. Living in the present moment. A body that was strong yet flexible. Great mental strength and fortitude. A heart that was filled with gratitude and noticed the small blessings.

 

Last summer I finally uncovered my true self. It was always there, but I had so many disappointments, hurts and fears that blocked my true light. I was finally able to LET GO. Live in the joy, love and peace of the PRESENT. Have TRUST and FAITH that everything is exactly as it should be.

 

1 month. 1 full month of inexplicable joy. And then I met my ex. My light dimmed. I am now uncovering this joy once more. But there is one roadblock.

 

I must LET GO of him.

 

Let go

 

Trust

 

Accept

 

Surrender

 

Live with RECKLESS ABANDON

 

Peace to you my friends.

[divegrl]

Soooooooooooooooo

 

I have this issue that is just really weighing on me right now. It's really tmi for this forum so I won't go into specifics. It doesn't really have to do with my breakup but it sorta does......if that makes sense at all.

 

I feel like I've done something and now I can't go back. Not a mistake. It's nothing bad. But it's like once you've had an experience it's hard to remember how your life was before it happened.

 

Ughhhhh. Yeah so I know this is vague. But everything is just different now.

 

Otherwise, I'm doing really great! I feel joy and love again! Growing lots of friendships! Having fun with my kids! Getting outside.... having fun! Living in the present moment!

 

Hugs my friends!!!!!!

[divegrl]

I like writing on this forum. It's a place I can be really honest and no one will judge. Also being anonymous allows me to fully express my feelings without fear of socia stigma or retribution.

 

Anyone who has talked to me for 2 minutes will recognize that I had early childhood trauma. I don't like the way people get labeled on here, but I have many strong attributes of bpd. Mindfulness meditation has reduced my symptoms by about 80%. But nothing brings out my dark childhood like dating. I'm just attracted to bad guys. I'm aware of it, I know I am....

 

Since I've been dating I've gotten to know really great guys. Men who are mentally and emotionally stable. Come from stable family and upbringings. They are respectful. Plan out thoughtful dates, good communication. I've been able to state my needs and boundaries and they respect them. All the beginnings of a healthy relationship. I see this. I recognize this, but something is missing.

 

The dysfunction of my childhood comes back.

 

The men who I'm strongly attracted to are the ones who rush in, quickly profess their love for me. They can't plan a date. The communication is horrible. I'm constantly left guessing.

 

There is a man I'm dating who is open and honest. Cares about my background. Respects my needs. He is motivated and just a great guy. He has asked me to join him on his private jet to Nives. But I just can't feel the attraction for him. I know this is the type of man I should be with, but I'm incapable of handling a healthy stable relationship.

 

The man I am attracted to is the avoidant. He can't return texts or calls. He can't plan a decent date. He walks 2 feet ahead of me when we're out together. I express my boundaries and he doesn't respect them. He just says "peace" and then starts texting me the next day like nothing happened. We sit around at his place and smoke weed all day. But yet this, this is the man I'm attracted to. I realize that i have an anxious attachment. I am aware that this man is just a mirror of my early childhood dysfunction.

 

I want to break the cycle. I want to have a normal healthy relationship. My soul and mind say choose the stable guy. But my passion and heart say keep dating the bad one. I'm aware of all this.... but I still can't make the right decision.

 

If there are any parents on here, raising your child in a healthy stable environment is critical for their development. I've pulled myself back from dating again. Maybe it's too late for me. Maybe the dysfunction will just be broken with my kids. But I know I must provide the healthiest environment I can for them, and it won't be from the men I'm attracted to now.

 

Thank you LS for providing this space to write. Much love my friends.

[divegrl]

The harsh truth: What I say about my ex says more about me than it does him.

 

Dear Ex

 

Just because your love for me was not real, I will not deny my love for you. I'm proud to have a heart that loves sincerely, honestly and fully. I thank you for allowing me to feel how much love my heart could give. Thank you for coming into my life.

 

You have taught me more by leaving, then you ever could of by staying.

[divegrl]

Huge setback this weekend. I'm out enjoying my life, thankful for the beautiful day....... and then a huge wave of sadness hits. It was all of a sudden. He should be with me. The last time I went to the beach, wind blowing in my hair...... you were there.

 

So I feel the pain, become aware of the sadness. But I do not analyze the feeling, or make stories about it. The emotion is there in my body, and I can feel it.

 

I started wearing my wedding ring. I'm tired of men hitting on me. I just don't want to deal with it right now. I'm joyful being single. I hate having to reject men, I know how it feels..... so I just rather not deal with it at all.

 

I don't know y I idolize men after breakups. I know it's normal. I did it with my other exes and I got over them. And now I'm doing it with you. I feel like I take a really long time to get over breakups. Longer then most. It's been this way with all my relationships. They were all hard to let go of. I've been told that I feel deeply and have great compassion. So I guess it's natural to feel the pain of a breakup deeply too.

 

Anyways hoping the paid transmutes into joy soon. The only thing I can do is stay present and be aware of the emotion. Stay connected to my breath.

 

Thank you all for listening.