My friend passed away this week. She was 29

[Teknoe]

She was the first person I "knew knew" that died. Considering I'm in my early-mid 30s, I've been pretty blessed in that regard. It was the first death to hit me. I wasn't super super close to her, but we were friends.

 

We started out as coworkers.

 

Hell, I even asked her out in early 2015. She politely declined, but stayed a true friend thereafter. We went to baseball games together just the two of us and then she eventually moved out of the country. Even out of the country we kept in touch through instant messaging. This past summer she told me she was battling cancer. She was very private about it and as it turns out, only her family and I knew. Not even her closest girl friends knew, which humbled me. For some reason she confided in me and was vulnerable enough to let me know. When news slowly broke out this past week, I had mutual friends contact me asking if I knew what was up. There were cryptic posts posted on her Facebook as if she passed away. It was later confirmed that she did pass. All our mutual friends were shocked but I was the only one in the group to know, and I didn't tell any of them before about her having cancer per her wishes to remain private. Although I wasn't super super close to her, I miss her and will never forget her trust in me to share with me what she was battling.

 

As a way to honor her, I would like to make some small changes in my lifestyle to improve the quality of my life and honor her through those means. This includes:

 

-healthier eating (i.e would like to lose 15 pounds this quarter year)

-go to bed earlier

-wake up a little earlier to pray to start my days

-heck, maybe even venture back to church again

 

Just want to improve myself a little bit to honor her memory.

 

I miss her. Wish I could have said good bye.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, Teknoe. And sorry you didn't get to say goodbye.

 

But just know you gave your friend something better than a goodbye in that you gave her a safe place to open up about her cancer, something she couldn't do with other friends.

 

Good for you in wanting to better yourself! I believe your friend would be pleased to know you're doing this.

[RocketQueen]

So sorry to hear of your loss. It's strange because at times like this we feel like we have to justify or explain our closeness to others. You mattered to her enough to be one of the few who knew she was ill, you honoured her wish for it to be secret.

 

I have had some not so close friends pass away who's passing has had a massive impact on my life and outlook and to touch someone so profoundly is an admirable legacy to leave behind.

 

I think improving your life in light of this is a wonderful thing to do. Aspire to inspire and live life to the fullest.

 

I think being one of the few who knew you in some way did get a camouflaged goodbye.

 

You sound like a fantastic friend, don't question the what ifs, they can hold you back, sure, grieve the loss but more than anything celebrate the fact you had each other while it mattered.

 

Much love xxx

[umirano]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. It's good that you had a good relationship with her and that you were there for her during her illness. I have lost my father recently to cancer.

[Teknoe]

Thanks! Your replies were insightful, and helpful

 

Yes, I guess in a way I did have a chance to say good-bye. I knew about the cancer so while the battle ended early it didn't come off as a complete surprise.

 

Last Saturday night I went through our gmail chat history and it brought back a lot of good memories. I think I'll print it out to have as a keepsake of our friendship and time together. There were a lot of insightful stories I shared that in brief reading back I had completely forgotten about.

[Teknoe]

Update: For the past two months I have been hard at work directing my school's spring musical. Tonight was the performance and in the program we dedicated it to my friend (who worked at the school before she passed). It was a great night.

 

But now that it's over, I am feeling the crash. For two months this was on my plate and a lot of my energy went toward it. I dedicated it to my friend so both the production and she were close to my heart for the past two months. Now that it's over, a part of me feels like something is empty or missing, even though the show went over great. I guess in some very small way it's similar to the whole "Olympic athletes who win a gold medal where do you go from there?"

 

Obviously on a much smaller scale but right now I feel weird. Two months of hard work building up to this one night, and now it's over for good. I thought I would feel relieved but I feel a bit sad, oddly. Any tips on what to do to get past this?

 

It's almost like I have to hit reset and set a new short term goal to focus on.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Teknoe, wish I would have read this the day you wrote it so I could have replied then. I certainly can understand how you would feel now that the spring musical presentation you prepared for, directed and dedicated to your friend is over.

 

That is a huge project and emotional even without the dedication to your friend. I have had that type of experience (public presentation of a body of work but without the dedication posthumously to friend or relative) and understand the aftermath. I can only imagine what it must be like since it was so wrapped up in honoring your friend.

 

Do you have a friend who didn't attend whom you could tell about the event and the way you experienced it? Or are you ready to totally move on?

 

I don't know about your beliefs but the way I've grown to handle my life which affects how I handle the aftermath of an exciting professional presentation that otherwise could precipitate a let down afterwards is that during the prep for the event and during the height of attention that comes my way as a result of the event my focus stays predominately on God, through reading His word, prayer and thoughts and communication with Him. He is my constant priority. So no matter what is going on I am always aware of Him and how much bigger He and His purposes are compared to my stuff however exciting it may seem to me at the time!

 

Just a few days ago I was recounting the incredible comfort I've discovered in realizing that He has been with me through every big and tiny thing in my life. Not only has He witnessed every event, but He has participated in every event as I've invited Him to. And He's experienced and weighed every nuanced emotion I've had during all things, good and bad, I've gone through.

 

I believe the same is true for you, whether or not you're a believer. If you're a believer I encourage you to take this time to touch base with Him in the way you and He have learned to relate, possibly through prayer. Tell Him all about your feelings, the let down or however you would describe it, you are having now. If you're not a believer, why not take this time to ask God to reveal Himself to you? This life is not that long, in the grand scheme of things. But, God is forever! And to connect with Him is to connect with eternity and become a part of it in strength and beauty!

 

Sending you hugs, Teknoe!

[Cookiesandough]

So sad. I'm sorry for your loss

[Teknoe]

vah, my friend had cancer. As far as I know, she never did drugs once.

 

Teknoe, wish I would have read this the day you wrote it so I could have replied then. I certainly can understand how you would feel now that the spring musical presentation you prepared for, directed and dedicated to your friend is over.

 

That is a huge project and emotional even without the dedication to your friend. I have had that type of experience (public presentation of a body of work but without the dedication posthumously to friend or relative) and understand the aftermath. I can only imagine what it must be like since it was so wrapped up in honoring your friend.

 

Do you have a friend who didn't attend whom you could tell about the event and the way you experienced it? Or are you ready to totally move on?

 

I don't know about your beliefs but the way I've grown to handle my life which affects how I handle the aftermath of an exciting professional presentation that otherwise could precipitate a let down afterwards is that during the prep for the event and during the height of attention that comes my way as a result of the event my focus stays predominately on God, through reading His word, prayer and thoughts and communication with Him. He is my constant priority. So no matter what is going on I am always aware of Him and how much bigger He and His purposes are compared to my stuff however exciting it may seem to me at the time!

 

Just a few days ago I was recounting the incredible comfort I've discovered in realizing that He has been with me through every big and tiny thing in my life. Not only has He witnessed every event, but He has participated in every event as I've invited Him to. And He's experienced and weighed every nuanced emotion I've had during all things, good and bad, I've gone through.

 

I believe the same is true for you, whether or not you're a believer. If you're a believer I encourage you to take this time to touch base with Him in the way you and He have learned to relate, possibly through prayer. Tell Him all about your feelings, the let down or however you would describe it, you are having now. If you're not a believer, why not take this time to ask God to reveal Himself to you? This life is not that long, in the grand scheme of things. But, God is forever! And to connect with Him is to connect with eternity and become a part of it in strength and beauty!

 

Sending you hugs, Teknoe!

 

Hey I just read this. Thanks for reaching out. I actually am a believer, although I've been going through my own stuff. I currently don't go to church whereas I once did every Sunday rain or shine. I know I should go back, but lazy Sundays sleeping in tend to end up winning out. I still pray and whatnot, and I still believe, but I probably could do more of everything. Thanks for your thoughts, though. Now that I think about it, I haven't really "given this" to God yet. I'll do that before I sleep tonight. In a weird way, I feel like your post was a way of God communicating to me through using you. Everything happens for a reason!

 

BTW, I'm feeling much better now. It's been over a week so I've had time to recover from the crash. However, I don't want to fall into a lull/rut here. I am possibly training for a half marathon in July (something I've never done before) and want to refocus on my diet. In my stress the past month I've eaten pretty poorly, so my consistent gym attendance is essentially cancelled by my weekend "eating adventures." But, not going to beat myself up. Dust it off and move forward!

[EmilyJane]

Update: For the past two months I have been hard at work directing my school's spring musical. Tonight was the performance and in the program we dedicated it to my friend (who worked at the school before she passed). It was a great night.

 

But now that it's over, I am feeling the crash. For two months this was on my plate and a lot of my energy went toward it. I dedicated it to my friend so both the production and she were close to my heart for the past two months. Now that it's over, a part of me feels like something is empty or missing, even though the show went over great. I guess in some very small way it's similar to the whole "Olympic athletes who win a gold medal where do you go from there?"

 

Obviously on a much smaller scale but right now I feel weird. Two months of hard work building up to this one night, and now it's over for good. I thought I would feel relieved but I feel a bit sad, oddly. Any tips on what to do to get past this?

 

It's almost like I have to hit reset and set a new short term goal to focus on.

 

 

Teknoe I'm so sorry.

 

I think though, that you did get to say goodbye.

 

I think that was what you were doing with the musical.

 

I also think that her entrusting you with her battle was her trying to say goodbye. And that she loved you and appreciated who you are very deeply.

 

And what you call crashing I think might be the release from it to enable you to enter the grieving process.

 

Please don't feel that any of your responses or feelings shouldn't be voiced or are abnormal. All sorts of unexpected things come up. Including things that are not the sadness and loss that you might expect. Things that you worry that you are not a good person for experiencing. But they are normal and your brain trying to come to terms with the most heartbreaking aspect of the human condition - that it is fleeting and fragile.

 

There aren't words to express what I want to convey. The empathy and understanding. I'm just sorry.

 

Death of people you cared for I don't think ever gets easier. But it is something that you do learn about yourself through and know how you react to. You never really stop grieving them but it becomes part of who you are.

 

So let yourself experience the feelings, don't try to avoid the pain, the only path through grief that I've found is to go through it not try to avoid it.

Edited April 1, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Teknoe]

Teknoe I'm so sorry.

 

I think though, that you did get to say goodbye.

 

I think that was what you were doing with the musical.

 

I also think that her entrusting you with her battle was her trying to say goodbye. And that she loved you and appreciated who you are very deeply.

 

And what you call crashing I think might be the release from it to enable you to enter the grieving process.

 

Please don't feel that any of your responses or feelings shouldn't be voiced or are abnormal. All sorts of unexpected things come up. Including things that are not the sadness and loss that you might expect. Things that you worry that you are not a good person for experiencing. But they are normal and your brain trying to come to terms with the most heartbreaking aspect of the human condition - that it is fleeting and fragile.

 

There aren't words to express what I want to convey. The empathy and understanding. I'm just sorry.

 

Death of people you cared for I don't think ever gets easier. But it is something that you do learn about yourself through and know how you react to. You never really stop grieving them but it becomes part of who you are.

 

So let yourself experience the feelings, don't try to avoid the pain, the only path through grief that I've found is to go through it not try to avoid it.

 

Thanks for sharing that, Emily.

[FrancoStacy]

She was the first person I "knew knew" that died. Considering I'm in my early-mid 30s

 

She was very private about it and as it turns out, only her family and I knew.

Although I wasn't super super close to her, I miss her and will never forget her trust in me to share with me what she was battling.

 

As a way to honor her, I would like to make some small changes in my lifestyle to improve the quality of my life and honor her through those means. This includes:

 

-healthier eating (i.e would like to lose 15 pounds this quarter year)

-go to bed earlier

-wake up a little earlier to pray to start my days

-heck, maybe even venture back to church again

 

Just want to improve myself a little bit to honor her memory.

 

I miss her. Wish I could have said good bye.

 

Sorry for your loss. Your words express the loss well.

 

One of the beauties of youth is that youth cant grasp death, but one of the down sides of youth is that youth cant grasp death. Regardless of what our minds tells us and in spite of what history proves to us and in the face of the data that tells us we will die, including ourselves....somehow inside us and in unspoken silence we think our own life and our loved ones are somehow immune, immortal. Then comes that first death that really hits us and burns a spot in our soul that we are mortal. It takes a moment in life to really show us how precious life really is.

 

To me, you did say good bye in a sense you were there for her when she needed you and in context of how she needed you. That is so much more that can be said in a good bye, she said her good bye in a much richer way to you because of friendship and that trust you two shared. You were there for her and you made life better for her in that final chapter of her life on this planet.

 

The hardest thing to accept about death is the finality of it, but people of strong faith don't see it as the end. They see it as another step in the life of a soul. Faith will give you hope and eventually if you keep seeking, it will give you understanding as well. I know it may not be very popular today, but I believe you do need a Church. I became Catholic in 2000 and its the only decision in my life I never second guess. Its important to discipline your body and your spirit and setting a schedule that involves effort, trains our weak bodies that our spirit is stronger. Faith in GOd is a love relationship and love affairs involves sacrifice and doing for others so going to church is about you doing it to praise God. Church is much more than a pit stop for us humans. Its about you doing for others and giving the gift that is most precious, your time.

 

Your friend humbled you because of the time she gave you in the final chapter of her earthly life. She reached out and you were there. You did it for her and in turn gave you something about yourself. Going to Church is not about getting something out of it, its about giving something to it just like you did for that awesome friend of yours.

 

My Catholic faith has shined the light on the fact that your friend in now in the hands of God and his justice. Her death is not the end, but her death has you considering a higher being and His Holy family which are for people like you and me and your friend. If you see it as the end, it would be easy to hate God or claim he doesn't exist, but instead in the eyes of believers, her death is much deeper than what it seems.