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Sometimes I feel cursed


vampirebrat

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Idk I just seem to have the worst luck with men. Abusers, cheaters, drug addicts, users. I've had them all.

 

I just feel like a beacon to emotionally damaged men. When I do meet someone well adjusted they just don't want to know.

 

I feel like I'm so damaged now that someone "normal" wouldn't want me. I have so many issues. I'm in therapy now, and I'm better than I was. But I'm constantly plagued by horrible memories, anxieties and trust issues.

 

It all feels so insurmountable.

 

Some days I just wanna give up dating completely because I think 'what's the point?' You let someone in and all they do is mess you up.

 

I feel especially down at the moment because I met a guy and things seemed promising at first. But, shockingly, he wants nothing to do with me.

 

Does anyone else have such awful luck in dating?

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Never had this kind of luck.

But remember, we all (most of us) go trough several relationship before we find the one!

 

Don't give up, and don't lose hope!

 

Good for you going to therapy! That can help alot.

 

How is your self image?

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Been there too! I've had my fair share of shady characters.

 

My advice is to stay vigilant of any incongruent behaviors. At the first sight of weirdness bounce and don't look back. Don't accept any excuses they're feeding you. Anything that doesn't make sense to you is a sign of what's to come next. Move slowly and deliberately. Don't become attached too quickly. Set and define firm boundaries.

 

Be willing to walk away.

Edited by Tressugar
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vampirebrat,

Sometimes we attract the same or very similar situations over and over again because there is something 'bigger' or 'higher' that we want to learn - and overcome - that is within our own sense of self and how we view the world.

 

For myself, it was to (finally!) learn that I am not responsible for other people's healing and wholeness and sense of security and comfort - I just had to let all of that go.

It's not so easy to do, if we have this 'inner thing' about being attached to and invested in seeing people happy and fulfilled. But. Ultimately it is up to them and their own

free will choices - which, they have to learn how to make wise decisions and not self-defeating/self-destructive ones.

 

Hugs,

Ronni

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Never had this kind of luck.

But remember, we all (most of us) go trough several relationship before we find the one!

 

Don't give up, and don't lose hope!

 

Good for you going to therapy! That can help alot.

 

How is your self image?

 

I've been with 5 guys. Only one of them was decent, but even that one was fraught with difficulty.

 

I don't want to. But after all the stuff I've been through it's kinda hard not to. =/

 

:) It's definitely helping. But it finishes next month so I'm nervous about what happens next.

 

Absolutely non-existant.

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For myself, it was to (finally!) learn that I am not responsible for other people's healing and wholeness and sense of security and comfort - I just had to let all of that go.

 

I'm learning that lesson too. It's been so tough. Especially with my last ex. I left him even though I still was still madly in love with him. So getting that emotional distance has been really hard.

 

It's not so easy to do, if we have this 'inner thing' about being attached to and invested in seeing people happy and fulfilled. But. Ultimately it is up to them and their own

free will choices - which, they have to learn how to make wise decisions and not self-defeating/self-destructive ones.

 

It really isn't. I feel so awful for walking away from my ex. But he has so many issues and was just dragging me down. My problem is my self-worth is tied up in helping others. So when I can't I feel frustrated and useless.

Agreed. To use a very well-worn phrase, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

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Hugs, vampirebrat - I really do get it.

My problem is my self-worth is tied up in helping others. So when I can't I feel frustrated and useless.

No - our worth and value are only and directly linked to our inner qualities of compassion, kindness and lovingness. We need to expend these wisely, and not waste them on people who are not yet willing, ready or able to accept our help and use it as a stepping stone to help and heal themselves.

 

I totally agree with you that 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink' - but there is an even more significant, though less-worn phrase: Do not cast your pearls before swine. (Meaning, don't expend your energy, love, light and positive qualities on the as-yet undeserving.) I know how difficult it is to develop this level of detachment - BUT - we must do it.

...helping others. So when I can't I feel frustrated and useless.

It's highly possible that one of your purposes in life is to facilitate other people's healing and coming into wholeness; but, as you already know, that cannot be forced upon them. (Meaning that you feeling 'frustrated and useless' just because other people aren't yet ready to help themselves, is self-defeating because it drains and depletes you of your peace of mind and heart, and of your own higher qualities.)

 

On the other side, is channeling all your good stuff in the proper direction - which can be to pursue a career or a volunteer position at an addictions clinic or a suicide prevention organization, or something like that.

You are in charge of your own self-worth ;) - it's an 'inner thing' - and, only you can make it count (but, 'casting your pearls before swine' isn't the way to do that).

 

With love, and in Light and Love.

Ronni

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In the end we choose.

 

We choose who we invite into our lives.

 

We choose how we allow people to treat us.

 

If someone consistently finds themselves with absusive, unhealthy relationships, then they must ask themselves WHY they seek these sorts of relationships.

 

Continue with the therapy, read up on codependancy, learn to love yourself, and demand respect and consideration.

 

Until something within changes, you will continue to seek unsuitable partners.

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Until something within changes, you will continue to seek unsuitable partners.

 

I agree with the majority of what you said. But I definitely don't seek out these men. I've never looked for a relationship full stop. I just end up being asked out by guys who start off nice and turn into abusive douchebags.

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Hugs, vampirebrat - I really do get it.

Ronni

 

There were so many good points in your comment! I've never thought about working in a suicide clinic or places like before. It's definitely something to mention when I start my 'back to work' course. :)

 

You're a total star Ronni! :)

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Obviously your self esteem is in the toilet. Has your therapist suggested setting any self improvement goals for yourself?

 

No, but I haven't broached the issue with them yet. I will when I see them next week. Thanks for the tip!

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I've had a string of bad girlfriends and lousy romantic encounters. I don't know why either.

 

It sucks, doesn't it? My friends think it's because I'm the maternal type and damaged guys pick up on that in some way. I really don't know. I just want a normal non-abusive bf. Y'know?

Edited by vampirebrat
trimming it down
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Just remember that the past doesn't create the future.

 

The present creates the future.

 

So if we cultivate positive (yet realistic) attitudes in the present, the past can just be the past.

 

 

Take care.

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I agree with the majority of what you said. But I definitely don't seek out these men. I've never looked for a relationship full stop. I just end up being asked out by guys who start off nice and turn into abusive douchebags.

 

But you allow them in your life. You date them - I am guessing they do not force you too. While they come off as nice at first, I am willing to bet there are signs that they are abusive - and you don't pick up on it.

 

These men find you - and you take them in.

 

If there is a repeating pattern, you must understand that you are the source, not the guys.... The world is full of crappy people. You need to learn how to recognize them, and not allow them into your life.

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Heatemyheart89

Hello !

I could have written your original post . I'm in therapy too it's helping .I've never had a healthy relationship and this really does upset me . However, I've learnt a lot and I know what I would want to avoid next time if I want a healthy relationship.

 

Therapy and self reflection has taught me that I felt I was only worthy if I was helping others. However I wasn't helping the most important person -me!Plus my exes didn't want me to 'fix' them.

 

It's hard to forget the bad memories , but we only really have now and if you work on yourself you can have better relationships !It only takes one healthy relationship to turn things around.

Good luck :)

Edited by Heatemyheart89
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I agree with the majority of what you said. But I definitely don't seek out these men. I've never looked for a relationship full stop. I just end up being asked out by guys who start off nice and turn into abusive douchebags.

 

Jesus Christ. I just realised how delusional I've been. I end up with awful guys because I travel with negative people. So I find myself in destructive relationships, which ofc go south. So I end up with someone else on the rebound, and because I'm in such an awful place I blind myself to their faults.

 

I need to stop with this self-indulgant pity party. It's not getting me anywhere. I need to get myself a job and start living life the way I want to. I haven't been single for this long before, I should enjoy it. :)

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PhillyLibertyBelle
vampirebrat,

Sometimes we attract the same or very similar situations over and over again because there is something 'bigger' or 'higher' that we want to learn - and overcome - that is within our own sense of self and how we view the world.

 

For myself, it was to (finally!) learn that I am not responsible for other people's healing and wholeness and sense of security and comfort - I just had to let all of that go.

It's not so easy to do, if we have this 'inner thing' about being attached to and invested in seeing people happy and fulfilled. But. Ultimately it is up to them and their own

free will choices - which, they have to learn how to make wise decisions and not self-defeating/self-destructive ones.

 

Hugs,

Ronni

 

Couldn't agree more! I used to attract the same over and over again. The reason was my self esteem was so low that I actually was like a beacon for not so good people and I accepted their bad behaviour. It's taken years but now I am aware I know I get to choose people, I don't have to accept everyone who chooses me and be grateful for it.

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