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Be strong, Don't break NC!


tomatome

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... and forgive yourself if you get weak. I got a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year message from the ex after six months of silence following an attempt to reconnect with a foreign ex she hadn't seen in five years. Silence, not even 'I think we should break up, sorry.' She sent this message through several channels to make sure I got it. I made the mistake of replying Merry Christmas just out of politeness and a little bit of curiosity and hope (ok, maybe those are reversed). Not a good idea.

 

The story is here:

https://redd.it/4syxsr

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex/post-6986204.html#post6986204

 

She wrote this last week in response to my Merry Christmas:

 

***

Thank you for your reply and message. I'm very happy to hear from you.

 

I think you are doing well and may not to care about before but let me apologize for giving you sadness. I was weak, coward, selfish and a super risk-avoider. I went to Germany and [his home country] last summer with a friend and it turned out good after all.

 

I'm working as before, I've been trying to make everyday of 2017 important. :)

***

 

I have no intention of replying (difficult not to push send though), but this is what I would say:

 

***

I don’t know what to make of this apology or its timeliness.

 

I can appreciate the sentiment and I am glad that things worked out for you but at the same time I don’t really want to relive the disrespect and lack of affection, and often-downright cruelty with which you treated me during our relationship and after. Because of this I have felt that I cannot be a part of your life in any way; not as a way to punish you—although not offering a consequence to your actions seemed to enable you to be more rude and disrespectful, but because I have a duty to protect myself from you. During our relationship and after, I feel like you manipulated and used me for your own emotional needs and general insecurity without much concern for me as a person. While we can’t often control our emotions, especially toward others, you always had a choice about what to do. Apologizing for your emotional state rather than what you did, just makes it appear like you are a victim. I don’t feel like much has changed with you and it probably never will.

***

 

Thanks to the forum for letting me vent. Remember, don't break NC. I will try to come here before I get burned again.

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BrokenBranches

 

I can appreciate the sentiment and I am glad that things worked out for you but at the same time I don’t really want to relive the disrespect and lack of affection, and often-downright cruelty with which you treated me during our relationship and after. Because of this I have felt that I cannot be a part of your life in any way; not as a way to punish you—although not offering a consequence to your actions seemed to enable you to be more rude and disrespectful, but because I have a duty to protect myself from you. During our relationship and after, I feel like you manipulated and used me for your own emotional needs and general insecurity without much concern for me as a person. While we can’t often control our emotions, especially toward others, you always had a choice about what to do. Apologizing for your emotional state rather than what you did, just makes it appear like you are a victim. I don’t feel like much has changed with you and it probably never will.

***

 

Thanks to the forum for letting me vent. Remember, don't break NC. I will try to come here before I get burned again.

 

Holy ****, literally every word of that is exactly what i've been thinking and feeling. She reached out once inviting me to a party saying she was being sincere, which i ignored, but other than that she hasn't contacted me or tried to reconcile in anyway. It's been 2 months since the break up and NC the whole time.

 

I obviously keep debating whether i could ever be her friend again or not. I hate it, but i do really miss her, hanging out with her, romantic and sexual stuff. At the same time, i was regularly missing that for months when we were actually together. It hasn't got much easier because i REALLY liked her. We were friends first, then fwb, than casual relationship, but she not only didn't treat me well as a GF, she didn't treat me well as a friend. For someone who said i was her best friend, loved me, and was so grateful for me, she sure didn't show it.

 

I too barely let her suffer any consequences of treating me like **** during the relationship, because i was weak and continued to respond to her needs when she wanted them. The few times i wasn't available to her she reacted like any "needy" person. I do regret not playing her stupid games and making her actually feel what it was like for me. She acted as if she was immune to feeling needy, but i saw it, she just didn't have to deal with any distance on my part.

 

She was very manipulative. Anytime i was upset, she wouldn't apologize for her actions, but rather use her emotions as excuses and reasons. Her feelings are valid, but don't excuse everything and shouldn't be used to trump my feelings. for example a time where she ignored me for days than first words from her were asking a favor of me. I told her i couldn't help her because it makes me feel used. (note, i didn't accuse her of using me) She got upset i told her this, played the victim and instead of apologizing for ignoring me and all that, she went on about how she can't be there to respond to my texts because she's feeling a certain way. If it makes her feel bad that i said i feel used, that's HER fault; DON"T treat me in a way that would make me feel used.

 

In our break up talk when i told her how she reacts to any criticism or my feeling, she got mad (no surprise) and changed the subject to me only telling her things she's done wrong. She basically told me i was stupid for wanting or hoping she'd change her ways. Well **** me for thinking someone who says all the things she does about me, might want to have some quality time together or show me how much she cares. In the end all she was doing was inviting me over to her house before bed time. Like she couldn't' even ask me out for a ****ing drink sometime? **** that.

 

Anyway, so i think it's my turn to give up on our friendship. Something i should've done months ago, like she did. She's right, i won't expect her to change, so in that case i won't try and be friends if she's going to treat me with no respect.

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Thanks for the reply. I read what you wrote and hope you feel better soon. It will take time, and in the meantime don't consider being her friend.

 

I don't mean anything bad by this, but it really comes down to us, doesn't it? No matter what they did, relationships are in a sense co-created and so in the same sense we let these people do these things to us, and don't stand up for ourselves. My relationship should have ended in a few months but I let her sneak back in again and again without thinking of my own needs, without thinking of my own well-being. Love makes us vulnerable but there needs to be standards and limits. I think this is what I need to improve, something I didn't quite expect at my age, but there you go.

 

Go in peace.

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nolookingback716

***

I don’t know what to make of this apology or its timeliness.

 

I can appreciate the sentiment and I am glad that things worked out for you but at the same time I don’t really want to relive the disrespect and lack of affection, and often-downright cruelty with which you treated me during our relationship and after. Because of this I have felt that I cannot be a part of your life in any way; not as a way to punish you—although not offering a consequence to your actions seemed to enable you to be more rude and disrespectful, but because I have a duty to protect myself from you. During our relationship and after, I feel like you manipulated and used me for your own emotional needs and general insecurity without much concern for me as a person. While we can’t often control our emotions, especially toward others, you always had a choice about what to do. Apologizing for your emotional state rather than what you did, just makes it appear like you are a victim. I don’t feel like much has changed with you and it probably never will.

 

Wowowow that was amazing. Just this past Monday I finally broke off a three year nightmare of an on again/off again "relationship" and I swear I could've written everything you said here myself. Feels good to know I'm not alone.

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Good to hear back from some of you. Strength in numbers and hearing your situations, as painful as they are, gives me some vindication that I have made the right choices.

 

Still so hard not to contact her. Hope everyone heals soon.

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Good to hear back from some of you. Strength in numbers and hearing your situations, as painful as they are, gives me some vindication that I have made the right choices.

 

Still so hard not to contact her. Hope everyone heals soon.

 

 

Your a strong man... i think i would click send lol

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She seems very immature. I'd stay clear of someone so problematic. Even if she's attractive. What kind of future can there possibly be?

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