Sick of being used and treated like an object

[batjokes92]

Every guy I've dated is the same. They act like they are super eager and into me for months, I finally let my guard down, we get intimate, maybe it's emotionally, maybe its physically, then they start to act cold and distant. I'll try to engage with them but they do not acknowledge my feelings. I'll leave them alone for a few months, they come back, acting eager again, then once I give them any ounce of attention they want to see they will ignore me again! It's disgusting! It hurts me so much. This has happened every single time I dated someone (4 times) and every time I try to get to know a guy. I'm 24 and still have never had a real relationship. I'm sick of being hurt emotionally. I'm sick of not being good enough, I'm sick of being a back up option. I give up.

Edited January 17, 2017 by batjokes92

[VeveCakes]

Please go and get the book "Attached", read, and let it sink in.

 

You are basically going for guys who are avoidant attachment style, and my guess you are insecure attachment style. Neither styles are wrong or right, it is just who you are. Being insecure, you are more likely to attach to an avoidant because they trigger your attachment style. There are more avoidants in the dating pool because they cycle in and out of relationships.

 

The book will help you be able to determine who is this type earlier, and thus avoid getting in too deep with men who are like this. It's a pattern, so you need to find a way to break the pattern.

 

Don't pursue men who don't;

 

-contact you first usually

-make an effort to see you and plan dates

-take things at a reasonable pace...ie not too fast

-love bombing is a red flag

-men who seem avoidant in other areas of life. As in avoid their families or friends on occasion for no reason. Let bills pile up. Ignore you for days...etc.

-men who are emotionally closed off.

 

This is just a short list...but get the book. It will help you immensely.

[stillafool]

Maybe it would do you good to take some time off from dating.

[batjokes92]

Please go and get the book "Attached", read, and let it sink in.

 

You are basically going for guys who are avoidant attachment style, and my guess you are insecure attachment style. Neither styles are wrong or right, it is just who you are. Being insecure, you are more likely to attach to an avoidant because they trigger your attachment style. There are more avoidants in the dating pool because they cycle in and out of relationships.

 

The book will help you be able to determine who is this type earlier, and thus avoid getting in too deep with men who are like this. It's a pattern, so you need to find a way to break the pattern.

 

Don't pursue men who don't;

 

-contact you first usually

-make an effort to see you and plan dates

-take things at a reasonable pace...ie not too fast

-love bombing is a red flag

-men who seem avoidant in other areas of life. As in avoid their families or friends on occasion for no reason. Let bills pile up. Ignore you for days...etc.

-men who are emotionally closed off.

 

This is just a short list...but get the book. It will help you immensely.

 

Thanks. A lot of this makes sense to me. I will look into it.

 

Maybe it would do you good to take some time off from dating.

 

I haven't really dated anyone since August. I'm just upset because right now guys who ghosted me are coming back into my life just looking for some attention from me and nothing more.

[VeveCakes]

Thanks. A lot of this makes sense to me. I will look into it.

 

I haven't really dated anyone since August. I'm just upset because right now guys who ghosted me are coming back into my life just looking for some attention from me and nothing more.

 

That is classic Avoidant. So is game playing. I learned all about this in therapy when I discussed my ex ghosting me and coming back etc.

[BrokenBranches]

Please go and get the book "Attached", read, and let it sink in.

 

You are basically going for guys who are avoidant attachment style, and my guess you are insecure attachment style. Neither styles are wrong or right, it is just who you are. Being insecure, you are more likely to attach to an avoidant because they trigger your attachment style. There are more avoidants in the dating pool because they cycle in and out of relationships.

 

The book will help you be able to determine who is this type earlier, and thus avoid getting in too deep with men who are like this. It's a pattern, so you need to find a way to break the pattern.

 

Don't pursue men who don't;

 

-contact you first usually

-make an effort to see you and plan dates

-take things at a reasonable pace...ie not too fast

-love bombing is a red flag

-men who seem avoidant in other areas of life. As in avoid their families or friends on occasion for no reason. Let bills pile up. Ignore you for days...etc.

-men who are emotionally closed off.

 

This is just a short list...but get the book. It will help you immensely.

 

Wow my ex-gf fit everyone of those check marks. Of course this is after the short 4 month honeymoon phase. Interestingly she started being distant, at the same time initiating "i love you". From some quick research, she didn't match up with the trait of being non-intimate or sexual. Sure, towards the end she wasn't so much, but generally she's a very touchy and sexual person.

 

From some other research she checks off a lot of narcissist traits too During our relationship she was realizing how selfish she is as a person in general. Her therapist told her. But she started to almost embrace it and be proud of it, like "yA me!" To an extent being selfish is fine, certainly in specific aspects of life, but being completely selfish in a relationship is not cool. She acted as if it was a free for all, no accountability for the others feelings.

[nolookingback716]

In addition to Attached I would highly recommend Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by Natalie Lue. It sounds like you're falling for emotionally unavailable men. The book will teach you how to spot the signs of these men so you can get out before you become attached. You also will learn a thing or two about yourself. The thing is, women that consistently get involved with unavailable men tend to also be emotionally unavailable themselves and not realize it. The book will help you with that too.

 

When a guy comes on too strong that's usually a bad sign. My ex did this. On our second date he was talking about us having kids. At the time I was flattered and thought wow he must really like me, but needless to say that was not the case. He did in fact turn out to be a Mr. Unavailable.

[VeveCakes]

Wow my ex-gf fit everyone of those check marks. Of course this is after the short 4 month honeymoon phase. Interestingly she started being distant, at the same time initiating "i love you". From some quick research, she didn't match up with the trait of being non-intimate or sexual. Sure, towards the end she wasn't so much, but generally she's a very touchy and sexual person.

 

 

Avoidants come on very strong and act like the perfect match for the first few months. I never heard anything about them not being sexual. My ex never changed in that respect either.

[nolookingback716]

-men who seem avoidant in other areas of life. As in avoid their families or friends on occasion for no reason. Let bills pile up. Ignore you for days...etc.

 

This especially helped me realize what kind of a person my ex is. He has no friends beyond casual acquaintances (i.e. regulars at the bars he goes to sometimes and chit chats with, nothing more) and he doesn't seem to be particularly close to his family. On the contrary, he once told me he often goes out of his way to avoid them. The only person I've ever heard him express genuine affection for is his 4 year old daughter he sees every other weekend but she's just a little kid. I don't think there are any adults he has a connection with. This man is incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone, romantically or otherwise.

[VeveCakes]

This especially helped me realize what kind of a person my ex is. He has no friends beyond casual acquaintances (i.e. regulars at the bars he goes to sometimes and chit chats with, nothing more) and he doesn't seem to be particularly close to his family. On the contrary, he once told me he often goes out of his way to avoid them. The only person I've ever heard him express genuine affection for is his 4 year old daughter he sees every other weekend but she's just a little kid. I don't think there are any adults he has a connection with. This man is incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone, romantically or otherwise.

 

Bingo. Its funny because when I started learning about this, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My ex was always leaving his phone in his truck, because his parents would call him all the time about his house he was building. He would literally avoid them for days. He deleted his FB originally too because his dad got it and tried to add him. Now I know to make note of these things.

[GorillaTheater]

Every guy I've dated is the same.

 

 

Please don't interpret this as me defending these guys, because I'm not, but if the quote above is true I don't think it's a stretch to say that there is something very off with your picker. You're the common denominator in all of these relationships.

 

 

You've gotten good advice on reading material. I hope you take it to heart, because you need to work on yourself to help you choose men more wisely.

[nolookingback716]

Bingo. Its funny because when I started learning about this, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My ex was always leaving his phone in his truck, because his parents would call him all the time about his house he was building. He would literally avoid them for days. He deleted his FB originally too because his dad got it and tried to add him. Now I know to make note of these things.

 

Yup. I didn't think much of the fact that he didn't seem to have any friends at first but looking back now I'm not sure how I could've not seen that as a huge red flag. He was always talking badly about his daughter's mother too and how nasty she allegedly was and that she didn't get along well with anyone. At first I believed him but knowing what I know about him now I'm inclined to believe that's probably not true. The reality is more likely that he didn't treat her all that nicely either and she had the good sense not to put up with it. It's worth mentioning she's happily married now too. Perhaps the problem wasn't with her. I think he was projecting his faults onto her.

[BrokenBranches]

This especially helped me realize what kind of a person my ex is. He has no friends beyond casual acquaintances (i.e. regulars at the bars he goes to sometimes and chit chats with, nothing more) and he doesn't seem to be particularly close to his family. On the contrary, he once told me he often goes out of his way to avoid them. The only person I've ever heard him express genuine affection for is his 4 year old daughter he sees every other weekend but she's just a little kid. I don't think there are any adults he has a connection with. This man is incapable of forming meaningful relationships with anyone, romantically or otherwise.

 

I've never met anyone like my ex, in both the best ways possible and some of the worst. This girl is so likable, so nice, hilarious, intelligent, so "considerate". This is why she blew me away when i first started being friends with her. Then i learned more about her haha

 

Starting around the end of her previous relationship up until our break up, she had a falling out with like 3 of her closest friends, at separate times. Our beginning overlapped with her previous break up and also split with her best friend (in town). We got really into each other and then , she got in fights with our mutal friend (her best friend). Then around the time she started being distant and ****ty to me, she found a new girl friend and was spending all her time with her.

 

She definitely has plenty of long term and stable friends. It's only happened with her closest friend at the time. I even told her about this pattern and how it feels like she's doing it to me now, so she realized it and said "how do i not do that?", showing some concern. A week later she brought it up as a joke, to which i thought "it's not ****ing funnY!!"

 

Anyway, during our break up talk, she had the ****ing nerve to claim " i always have a problem with her seeing new people". Such BS. I OFFERED to help her and our mutual friend reconcile. Plus, that wasn't my problem, my problem was that she couldn't treat me half decently because she was putting all her effort into a new friend. Like she's given me every kind of excuse why we haven't hung out. She couldn't even ask me to go out for a drink in the longest time, meanwhile she's getting drinks with her new friend like twice a week. This all sounds so high school. We're in our mid 20s and she's smart and mature in many ways.

 

AND NOW, she's putting in all this effort into seeing our mutual friend/my roommate that she had a falling out with. Like she's doing damage control and trying to make sure he's on her side.

 

Ahhh i'm so pissed. I know i told her the gist of this stuff but i still want to point out specifics like how she hasn't offered that we go out for dinner or a drink in MONTHS. (we don't need to say how i was dumb for sticking around) But she never admits or accepts that she' treated me like ****. Not even like a good friend. It's SO insane to me.

 

Now i have to watch her be a good friend to my friend. Which is only frustrating because it affirms that all her BS reasons for not doing that stuff were LIES. And of course, for months, she wasn't selfless enough to come right out and dump me or say she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. In fact, she'd say the opposite.

 

really went on a tangent there.

[nolookingback716]

BrokenBranches - people like that rarely ever see an issue with their actions. They don't seem to understand that the problem isn't with everyone else, it's with them. As such, attempting to point it out is pretty much always an exercise in futility. I don't think you should bother saying anything else to her. By all means write out how you feel if you want, it might be therapeutic, but don't send her anything. I finally cut my guy off after three years just this past Monday. Since then I've thought a few times about writing him a long letter explaining that his behavior towards me was unacceptable, but ultimately it wouldn't matter because he doesn't care, at least not the way I want him to care. I may do it for myself though, then promptly delete it.

[BrokenBranches]

BrokenBranches - people like that rarely ever see an issue with their actions. They don't seem to understand that the problem isn't with everyone else, it's with them. As such, attempting to point it out is pretty much always an exercise in futility. I don't think you should bother saying anything else to her. By all means write out how you feel if you want, it might be therapeutic, but don't send her anything. I finally cut my guy off after three years just this past Monday. Since then I've thought a few times about writing him a long letter explaining that his behavior towards me was unacceptable, but ultimately it wouldn't matter because he doesn't care, at least not the way I want him to care. I may do it for myself though, then promptly delete it.

 

Ugh it's so true. For the amount of **** she's done, she's accepted very little and thinks she's been very straight forward and rationale with me. In fact she's been ALL over the place our entire relationship. Thanks, i've been writing.

 

it's frustrating because, she was the one that saw me more as a "friend" she could sleep with than i did. Whereas i saw us as dating, but ironically treated her much more like a good friend. So if her goal was truly every to be able to end this and keep being friends, she really blew it. If we're ever to be friends, she's going to have to accept some faults and we're going to have to talk about it.

[batjokes92]

Ugh it's so true. For the amount of **** she's done, she's accepted very little and thinks she's been very straight forward and rationale with me. In fact she's been ALL over the place our entire relationship. Thanks, i've been writing.

 

it's frustrating because, she was the one that saw me more as a "friend" she could sleep with than i did. Whereas i saw us as dating, but ironically treated her much more like a good friend. So if her goal was truly every to be able to end this and keep being friends, she really blew it. If we're ever to be friends, she's going to have to accept some faults and we're going to have to talk about it.

 

LOL it looks like this thread decided to take a life of it's own.

 

Anyway, at least YOU HAD a relationship. I never have. I'm always the back up, always ghosted after they get what they want from me. It's taken such a hit on my self esteem that I really see no point in trying to date again. Trying to find a relationship just isn't worth the risk anymore.

[nolookingback716]

LOL it looks like this thread decided to take a life of it's own.

 

Anyway, at least YOU HAD a relationship. I never have. I'm always the back up, always ghosted after they get what they want from me. It's taken such a hit on my self esteem that I really see no point in trying to date again. Trying to find a relationship just isn't worth the risk anymore.

 

I think it is in your best interest to take a break from dating, but you don't have to give it up forever. Take some time to work on your self esteem (set some self improvement goals) and read the books that were recommended. I think you'll find them both very helpful.