Healing or Forever Damaged?

[TimmyC]

Hello again everyone, I'm posting here because I've reached a dilemma in my life, and I really need support. Before I go any further I wanted to share my back story so you guys understand.

 

First Relationship

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/577254-abusive-relationship-my-story

 

Recent one

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/606261-left-so-many-questions

 

I've gone through two very bad relationships and after this second one I feel different. I work around friends that mention that they have cheated on their significant others and I see posts on here about how people have cheated or their feelings are wondering and I have come to ask myself. Is there even a such thing as loyalty anymore, why do good people have to hurt, why do cheaters get to live happy lives? Am I not good enough?

 

I feel anger and bitterness, my life isn't the same, the way I look at things are so much different. I have come to ask myself is life even worth living anymore? All I want in life is to love someone unconditionally and not have to act a certain way. A few days ago things got really dark for me and it was the third time I've tried to take my life...ibprofen wasn't quite ideal and left me with quite the stomach ache... I just feel so shattered. Here are two people that once meant the world to me but destroyed me and are now living happily ever after it's just not fair. I want to be happy as well.

 

Lastly so I don't end this on such a dark note, I wanted to thank a few people on here that have really helped me, it's your words that constantly play in my head when I am going through a tough time:

Satu

PLT

Bluefeather

 

I'm thankful for everyone on here for taking the time out of your day to listen and offer advice. Sometimes I just feel so alone and I struggle with depression that no one seems to understand on the outside.

 

Thank you guys for listening

[bluefeather]

Woh I almost missed this thread, why you no put it in your other one? lol well it's cool, thanks for the shout out Also thanks for linking your other thread, because I had not read the relationship before that... dang.

 

OK, it really looks to me like you are a good person. But finding happiness in yourself first - I think that is very important. That is kind of sort of what I am doing too. I have been heartbroken before, multiple times in a row... But I am getting to a point where I gotta just throw my hands up and laugh at myself. Because when it happens THIS MANY TIMES, it has to stop being the other person's fault.

 

Now it's my fault. Now I am taking responsibility so that I can stop this from happening again. I am taking a look at my love radar and making serious adjustments. A sexy body is no longer the deal maker. And abuse is now a kick to the curb.

 

Yes life's worth living. Those people who hurt you... it is unfortunate but they are damaged or they are just not in a good place in their evolution. But try not to judge them because we are all trying to live life and learning and making mistakes. Though maybe some make more than others! And you're talking about some really philosophical topics and it's too late at night for me to go down that road. And even if I did, it might not even make sense, and if it did make sense, you might not agree with me lol... I'll tell you what, though...

 

 

 

Sometimes I just feel so alone and I struggle with depression that no one seems to understand on the outside.

 

 

You are not alone. Nope Lots here going through so much heartache, myself included. Trying to get over abuse. Trying to find happiness. Move forward. Continue your journey. And for goodness' sake, stop hurting yourself!

 

[TimmyC]

Oh yeah sorry, I didn't want to post in the wrong thread. lol

 

And thank you for your words of encouragement.

 

I think the hardest part is for me to forgive them, it upsets me how they can live happily why people like us are hurt. That's the most difficult process to deal with is the hatred. I remember before my recent ex broke up with me and said all that hurtful stuff about me and my mom, I went off and told her how I hated her and she was so heartless. She told me she didn't care.

 

Its mind boggling how evil people can be, and how there's no karma for people like that other than living happily. Its hard for me to find solace and want to live when I have to deal with people like that. My friends tell me to be selfish and focus on myself, but I cant. By nature I'm a giving person that loves by nature. I guess I just don't know anymore.

[PLT]

Tim, people like us. Givers. We get shat on. A LOT. It's part of being a giver, that takers latch on to us. We give, they take. And when they have had bled us dry, they simply go find another giver. It's their whole raison d'etre. Where the problem lies, is that givers appear to be attracted to takers, rather than other givers. The irony is that if givers were only attracted to other givers, then all the takers would only have other takers to choose from.

 

I'm generalising a little of course, takers also give and givers also take, but the balance is usually way off kilter, which is where the relationship starts going downhill. Any relationship that is so unbalanced is doomed to failure.

 

Your friends are right, you need to try and be selfish for a while. This doesn't mean being an ass. It just means that your number one focus, before anything else, is YOU, and what makes YOU happy. The people that hurt us, betrayed us, lied to us, played games with us DO NOT DESERVE our emotional generosity.

 

In a way we could pity them. They see the world in black and white, while we get it in glorious technicolour.

 

Please stop trying to hurt yourself. Trust me. I know. I really do. My dad comitted suicide when I was 14. I'm 45 now and it still affects my life. I've thought about it many, many times myself, but I can't let my kids and family go through what I went through. It doesn't remove the pain, it just passes it onto those that DO love you.

[Satu]

snip

 

Its mind boggling how evil people can be, and how there's no karma for people like that other than living happily. Its hard for me to find solace and want to live when I have to deal with people like that. My friends tell me to be selfish and focus on myself, but I cant. By nature I'm a giving person that loves by nature. I guess I just don't know anymore.

 

I think you are deeply into a very painful part of the grieving process.

 

It feels like its too much; as if there can be no end to it.

 

It's a hellish thing to experience and endure.

 

I know because I've been through it myself.

 

You said:

 

"I feel anger and bitterness."

 

So you're in the second stage of the grieving process.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance.

You need to find some healthy ways to externalise and express your anger. You won't get through it by turning it against yourself, which is what you did the other day.

 

Please don't do that again.

 

The section on anger and assertiveness in this book might help you. It's free to download. The other sections may be irrelevant to your situation.

 

Keep posting.

 

 

Take care.

[TimmyC]

I'm up kind of late writing today because I guess I just need to be heard. I'm beyond depressed, I miss my ex so much right now. I miss everything we used to do together. Suddenly I worry about her with her depression and having cancer...But I know it's wrong because she has a husband...The anger that once kept me strong is gone...and all I feel now is emptiness. It feels as if this is honestly it and that I won't find anyone.

 

I went on a long drive today...something that has always made me smile being a car guy and all but all I felt was emptiness. I drove through a windy road shifting through gears and the sound of the turbo wasn't even enough to get me to smile. So I pulled over and cried... I don't know how long it lasted for but I feel so defeated. I can feel the life slowly being drained from me.

 

I'm 24 years old with no children...no spouse...Nothing to live for, waking up doing the same thing over and over. My soul is just so tired of dating and getting hurt. I wish I can be a kid again in which the only thing that broke my heart was bed time and putting toys away. This wasn't supposed to be the way my life turned out.

[LivingWaterPlease]

TimmyC, I understand what you're going through because I've been through a period of long years in my life where I was depressed and contemplated suicide.

 

Here's what helped me. Getting to know Jesus Christ as a personal friend through daily reading of scripture and prayer. This takes time and doesn't happen overnight, usually.

 

I am now a very positive upbeat person but the only thing that keeps me that way is staying in scripture and connected with Jesus. He is powerful! All life comes from Him.

 

One thing the Bible teaches is praise and thanksgiving. If you write down ten things each day that you're thankful for you'll be amazed at how it will impact your life.

 

Don't focus on the people that hurt you. Don't focus on people at all. Focus on the Lord Jesus Christ; read scripture each day and pray to Him.

 

You may think this is some kind of religious rant but it's not. It's truth.

[bluefeather]

I'm 24 years old with no children...no spouse...Nothing to live for, waking up doing the same thing over and over. My soul is just so tired of dating and getting hurt. I wish I can be a kid again in which the only thing that broke my heart was bed time and putting toys away. This wasn't supposed to be the way my life turned out.

 

Yeah sometimes it sucks being an adult! but hey man, watch what you say. Because there are people who are older than you and with similar thoughts saying "dude, come on.. you are 24, you still have time to get your life together."

 

Look man, you have had some crazy ass relationships. But many of us have. Sometimes I wish I could tell some of my stories here because they sound kind of bat-****, but for now, I just listen and try to help others as that also helps me in its own way. What I am trying to say is kind of what I replied to in my last post to you. You ain't alone in this wild ride called life. You're going to have ups and downs, and sometimes for me anyway, it seems like the older I get, the higher and lower the ups and downs can be. But that's kind of a gift to aging. You get more freedom. Yeah, the only thing that broke your heart when you were little was bed time, etc., but the only thing that lifted it would be something equally small.

 

Now we have... SEX. lol. And whatever else you may fancy. Ok, like cars for you. Although it didn't quite hit the spot for you this time, you may get that satisfaction again with time. Just like you may get it again with another woman. A BETTER woman who is more in tune with what are looking for next time you are ready. That's what it's about dude. Living and learning. Press a button, get shocked. Press it again, get shocked again. Maybe next time, touch a different button? (And that's even if you want to!) Maybe next time, look for a new kind of woman who doesn't do what the old ones did. And if she does, this time, have a better understanding for what that shock button looks like (aka Red Flag).

 

It's ok to cry. It is normal to feel sadness over getting hurt and even over not getting what you wanted in life. But you say rock bottom. Well you know there's a good side to rock bottom. There's nowhere else to go after that but up.

Start climbing, buddy.

[divegrl]

Is anything loyal anymore?

 

Is there anyone out there I can love unconditionally?

 

Plz know you're not alone in asking these questions. You have every right to feel the way you do for as long as you need to. My heart hurts with you.

 

Hugs

[TimmyC]

I want to sincerely thank all of you for caring about me enough to encourage me and I want you all to know that you've made a differnce to me.

 

This next part is fairly difficult to say and I know that this may not matter because I'm just some guy on the internet but I've decided that I don't want to live like this anymore. I've tried to stay strong but I can't anymore... I don't want to live in a world so unjust where people get away with hurting you.

 

I know I don't know any of you guys on a personal level but I can say that it takes some amazing people to try to help a complete stranger. I love you guys truly... I don't want to be remembered as another statistic...but as a result of what abuse and cheating can do to a person... Maybe one day someone will see this thread and it will help them to be stronger than I was...

 

I'm sorry guys for letting you down

 

Truly sorry

[Frogwife]

Timmy, I don't post here very often but your posts really touched me... looking at your photography album brought tears to my eyes... you have a gift and a talent... I haven't read your whole store, but the title resonated with me... I hope that you know that things DO get better... probably everyone on this site has had a moment of deep depression where they seriously contemplated suicide - myself included after a really horrible breakup up over two years ago. I never, ever, EVER though I could feel joy again... but I did and I do... yes, we often are left with residual pain from deep hurts... I am so much happier in my life but I still don't feel like dating because the pain I overcame was so much, but I just tell myself "baby steps" ... but please, please find a professional to talk to... or a trusted friend or someone. There are therapists who work on sliding scales if money is an issue and universities often have therapist-training centers where you can find low-cost help. I survived a near-fatal clinical depression through therapy and medication - it saved my life.

 

I know it's hard to see light when you are in so much pain... but it will come... I promise you!

[LivingWaterPlease]

TimmyC, please keep posting. As Frogwife wrote, many of us have been through what you're going through. We know it's tough but there are better days, indeed, good days, ahead for you.

[Sweetfish]

I want to sincerely thank all of you for caring about me enough to encourage me and I want you all to know that you've made a differnce to me.

 

This next part is fairly difficult to say and I know that this may not matter because I'm just some guy on the internet but I've decided that I don't want to live like this anymore. I've tried to stay strong but I can't anymore... I don't want to live in a world so unjust where people get away with hurting you.

 

I know I don't know any of you guys on a personal level but I can say that it takes some amazing people to try to help a complete stranger. I love you guys truly... I don't want to be remembered as another statistic...but as a result of what abuse and cheating can do to a person... Maybe one day someone will see this thread and it will help them to be stronger than I was...

 

I'm sorry guys for letting you down

 

Truly sorry

 

Timmy this is unacceptable man and not fair to your family, friends, and most importantly its not fair to your self. You've came a long way thru your life to get to where your at and you can't just let two women who didn't respect you dictate your future and destiny. That is not what life is about. Life is about living your own life happy without external validation. You need to remember when you were younger and didn't need to be codepedant on an outside source other than the shelter and love your parents or friends provided.

 

Somewhere thru society you are forced to believe you need another individual (wife, kids, girlfriend) to give you purpose and that is rightly false.

 

Love and Pain are part of the deal in life. Just as we have night and day, hot and cold. You can't just tap out when things go to crap. We all have are low low points.

 

You enjoy automobiles... but on your quest for love and the amount of energy you expelled on the relationships you lost your self. You lost purpose and when these girls leave.. you are left without purpose. So now you try to go back to the things you use to love and now your empty because you rewired your passion to external things... you can always lose external things

 

You can't lose internal validation... unless you shift the validation on external things.

 

Your hobbies

Passion.

The cars..the sound of the wastegate

 

Remember how they gave you an intense feeling when you were younger... you negelected those passions and invested them into other people.

 

You cant dt that.. many men do this and when they divorce many become just like you.. lost, confused, and empty.

 

It gets better man... trust me

[divegrl]

It must have truly been awful to go thru the cheating and abuse you have. I'm so sorry. But plz stay. The best part of your story is still to be written.

 

You are not alone in this. Keep being honest, keep sharing your feelings, keep leaning on others for as long as you need to. Hugs.

[TimmyC]

Thank you everyone for your support, I came to post that I am alive and well...although I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I realize perhaps it is time for me to speak to someone.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you everyone for your support, I came to post that I am alive and well...although I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I realize perhaps it is time for me to speak to someone.

 

Im glad because i was thinking about this for the last two days....

 

No homo... lol

[LivingWaterPlease]

So glad to read this, TimmyC! Yes, you are not only alive and well, you are also very smart!! (in saying it's time to speak to someone about all you're going through!!)

[divegrl]

Thank you everyone for your support, I came to post that I am alive and well...although I'm not exactly thrilled about it. I realize perhaps it is time for me to speak to someone.

 

Yes so glad to see you have posted, I was thinking about you. There's times in our lives when we all need to lean on other people. Keep being honest. Keep posting. Don't give up. You're not alone.

 

Here is the number to the Washington recovery hotline: 866-789-1511

 

They provide emotional support 24 hours a day. Peace to you my friend!

[SerPundnes]

Talking to someone about this would be very good, yes!

 

Keep up the good work!

[TimmyC]

Coming back again to vent.

 

My friends have started to distance themself from me and I've started to drink. What is happening to me. I feel so alone it's unbelievable. I've never felt this way in my life I've never drank to handle problems in my life. Yet it's become the highlight of my day after work. I realize now I will never find love again. I'm beyond bitter. It feels like I'm living in that move "I am legend". No friends, nothing, everyone is gone. I'm afraid because this is not how I wanted my life to be but I cannot get out of this. Then to see my other ex happy and moved on with her new bf after everything she has done to me... it's not fair...

[Deadmeat]

Coming back again to vent.

 

My friends have started to distance themself from me and I've started to drink. What is happening to me. I feel so alone it's unbelievable. I've never felt this way in my life I've never drank to handle problems in my life. Yet it's become the highlight of my day after work. I realize now I will never find love again. I'm beyond bitter. It feels like I'm living in that move "I am legend". No friends, nothing, everyone is gone. I'm afraid because this is not how I wanted my life to be but I cannot get out of this. Then to see my other ex happy and moved on with her new bf after everything she has done to me... it's not fair...

 

This is why I don't believe in Karma. Ive seen bad things happen to good people while those that hurt us are happy. It isn't fair. I've accepted that.

 

I do believe in taking responsibility for yourself. Your happiness, your contentness, everything. Nobody can take that power from me. Not her, not my friends, not anyone. That's given me the peace that I need.

[Sweetfish]

Coming back again to vent.

 

My friends have started to distance themself from me and I've started to drink. What is happening to me. I feel so alone it's unbelievable. I've never felt this way in my life I've never drank to handle problems in my life. Yet it's become the highlight of my day after work. I realize now I will never find love again. I'm beyond bitter. It feels like I'm living in that move "I am legend". No friends, nothing, everyone is gone. I'm afraid because this is not how I wanted my life to be but I cannot get out of this. Then to see my other ex happy and moved on with her new bf after everything she has done to me... it's not fair...

 

Your friends have distance them selves because you kinda did what dumpers do.

 

You probably "dumped' your friends for the current ex-girl and now the friends went thru the dumpee stage. So now you realize the friends were always there for you and now your the "dumper" trying to reconcile with the dumpees.

 

This is a typical cycle man and your going to have to gain the trust of your friends again.

[TimmyC]

I'm in a stall right now at work...and I'm a complete wreck. I unblocked her fb...why did I do that for the love of God. And I found out that she's back with her first love. And she's of course happy. I'm so angry and bitter it's unbelievable. I wanted to believe that I was just paranoid and that she really wasn't but she is. And I am just speechless. Oh and she's not hiding him from fb like she hid me.

[Zahara]

I'm in a stall right now at work...and I'm a complete wreck. I unblocked her fb...why did I do that for the love of God. And I found out that she's back with her first love. And she's of course happy. I'm so angry and bitter it's unbelievable. I wanted to believe that I was just paranoid and that she really wasn't but she is. And I am just speechless. Oh and she's not hiding him from fb like she hid me.

 

The way forward is self-preservation.

 

At this point your pain is self-inflicted. You are sitting there finding ways to dig at your wound. And sometimes we can get addicted to that pain and drama and continue to drown as a victim.

 

Heartbreak is painful. We've all been through that hell. But at some point you need to start helping yourself. The discipline to put yourself first and your peace of mind at the forefront.

 

The sooner you embrace acceptance that the past is gone, and there is nothing you can do about it except to surrender to it, the longer you will stay in a loop of suffering.

 

You've titled your thread -- Healing or Forever Damaged. Well, you have to make that choice.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Zahara

[divegrl]

I'm so sorry you're going thru this. I know it's so hard to block your ex and go NC. I'm right there myself. Is he with someone else? Is he alone? It will drive you crazy.

 

But it's really in your best interest to completely block them. We need to accept that it's over as painful as it may seem... will be the only thing that brings healing.

 

Be gentle on yourself. Sorrow is an injury.

 

Peace to you my friend.