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Don't know what happened UPDATE: I'm not healing.


Heartbrokenandhurt

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Heartbrokenandhurt

We were together for six months. And I really thought we would go somewhere. I was abit guarded in the beginning and scared to feel as i've been hurt before and my self esteam was already low.

 

In the start, he pursued me, he text me all the time, he asked me out, he bought me flowers on a few occations... was an all round charming guy. He even invited me to a family party after having known each other only a month and not long after asked me to be his girlfriend. I said at the time it was too soon.

 

About a month later, after feeling more comfortable with him and feeling more sure that he did in fact really like me, I asked him and we became a couple.

 

I'd say as soon as we became a couple, the effort he made wasn't put in quite so much. He'd take forever sometimes to reply to my texts. (Although he wasn't a big texter in general he admitted) But when we were together things were still great and we had lots of in jokes and could chat about anything.

 

We did have arguments... mainly when I didn't understand why the effort had diminished, I thought it was him losing interest but he told me that wasn't the case and he did really like me (never said loved) but he was feeling really down and when he feels that way he shuts off from everyone and that its not personal to me. (he'd lost his job at that time)

 

Things continued to be abit up and down, one thing I do realise now was that we never talked about feelings when we were an actual couple and he never complimented me anymore. (He used to call me beautiful in the beginning and said I made him happy)

 

Eventually over Christmas/New Year, things came to a head when I felt resentful that he hadn't been enthusiastic to spend the holidays with me. He said that wasn't the case and he did but hadn't been well and he'd been feeling really down and wanted not to speak to anyone and be alone. I said we should talk because I felt things weren't right between us. He said he didn't want to have that conversation yet because hes down but I pushed him into admitting how he felt.. he said he no longer felt the spark that we had and he felt I should find someone else who can give me what I want and that he can't.

 

I was devastated to hear it, I hoped that he did really love me but didn't know how to say it. And to hear that he didn't feel the spark atall, well its shattered me. I just think how can it disappear so fast and in a short amount of time??

 

He says he doesn't understand why its gone because he thinks im a lovely person and that he still fancies me. (really?) and that im 'pretty'. (noticed the change from beautiful all the time to just 'pretty' towards the end)

 

He has said... that he thinks I should find someone else better, that he doesn't think hes the one for me, used the 'its not you it me' line, said 'there isn't another girl or anything' and said he thinks I'll find the breakup harder than he will but he does really care about me and still wants me somewhat in his life (I said no) Then he suggested maybe we should just have a break instead (again I said no) I said I can't change how he feels and not to contact me again and that I can't speak to him now at least for a long time and he said he'll respect that.

 

At the moment im absolutely heartbroken and my confidence has taken a battering. I don't know whats wrong with me! (I said this and he said theres nothing wrong with me) So we've gone from speaking everyday to nothing. I even went to a few family get togethers of his with him over Christmas so as you can imagine im really confused right now. I think i'll be healed slowly with time but I don't understand this whole past six months... I thought we'd be great together it all seemed promising from the start! Now I feel like it was abit of a lie. :(

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After you became an official couple, did your expectations of him and your relationship change? Did you feel safe to share more of your insecurities?

 

I've done that before when I was in my 20s - it was like once I was in the security of an exclusive relationship, I unloaded on him which sent him running. LOL!! He said later that the confident, independent woman he fell for disappeared as soon as we became boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

It sounds like he was more interested in the challenge of you, rather than you.

 

Good for you for saying no to his breadcrumbs.

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ExpatInItaly

When did he lose his job, OP? What has this meant for his personal finances and situation?

 

I ask becasue job loss can significantly affect someone, especially men. Men are often raised to believe they should be the providers, and many attach a lot of value and their identity to their work. When that's suddenly gone, it is difficult, especially around the holidays.

 

This is important, because I feel he is being honest when he says he can't give you what you want and deserve right now (ie. a present, caring partner) and that he is feeling very down. It's not fun, but a lot of people close themselves off when they're struggling in their personal lives. He knows he can't reciprocate your feelings and investment right now, and I really don't think it's something personal against you. He's dealing with his own issues, it sounds like, and it's not something you'd be able to fix unfortunately.

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Heartbrokenandhurt
When did he lose his job, OP? What has this meant for his personal finances and situation?

 

I ask becasue job loss can significantly affect someone, especially men. Men are often raised to believe they should be the providers, and many attach a lot of value and their identity to their work. When that's suddenly gone, it is difficult, especially around the holidays.

 

This is important, because I feel he is being honest when he says he can't give you what you want and deserve right now (ie. a present, caring partner) and that he is feeling very down. It's not fun, but a lot of people close themselves off when they're struggling in their personal lives. He knows he can't reciprocate your feelings and investment right now, and I really don't think it's something personal against you. He's dealing with his own issues, it sounds like, and it's not something you'd be able to fix unfortunately.

 

He walked due to stress/not getting on with boss. He had another job aswell but that was a smaller on the side thing.

 

He hasn't made any attempt to contact me since he broke up with me, but I do see hes on facebook actively and even posted a status. I just feel like he really doesn't care.

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Heartbrokenandhurt

As the question says...

 

My ex boyfriend broke it off with me because he said for him the Spark wasn't there anymore.

 

He said he still thinks im a great person and that he still fancies me. (At time of breakup) If that were the case then why would he end things?

 

We got on really well to begin with but then he started acting distant, so in turn I did too and I no longer suggested doing things together because I didn't feel he wanted to! I guess we had got into a routine after seeing each other for six months... could the loss of spark just be the ending of honeymoon period?

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You're absolutely right. If he still fancied you, he would not have broken it off.

 

Why did you stick around playing 'not interested' games with a guy who was no longer interested in you? Surely it would have been wiser to dump him long ago and now be well on the way to recovery.

 

And no, I've never regretted ending a relationship because the spark went.

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I certainly regret it. We had an almost 6 year relationship and although I'm only 2 weeks post breakup, I am thinking of her constantly. And we had a relatively mutual breakup as well.

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I certainly regret it. We had an almost 6 year relationship and although I'm only 2 weeks post breakup, I am thinking of her constantly. And we had a relatively mutual breakup as well.

 

 

 

You can't say u regret it so early its only been 2 weeks, but apart from that yes sometimes a dumper regrets doing what they did i did a little but now i am over it and happier with my new patner why u may ask? Its because my ex loved me and i loved her its just we were different but the same in many way we tried to make it work over and over but we were just to deep in ,and it was just impossible at a point. I speak to her here and there and do see her on sovial media but it all depends on what happen that led you to break up for me it was just we were to different

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ElizabethIII

I've learned the hard way just to let it go and cut them off. the more you push the more you contact them the more you push them away.

 

The spark went? Yah I've heard that one before it was code for I met someone else.

 

Not saying that's what has happened to you but it could be anything none of which are good.

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But in general? Maybe.

 

Maybe they realize later during a dry spell that you werent so bad afterall.

 

Yea but who would want someone who only realizes your value when they are going through a dry spell i.e. they took you for granted. I think people would be happier with someone who realizes your value the entire relationship and never takes it for granted not for a second.

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The spark went is code for I met someone else or I think I can do better.

That's the biggest BS excuse second only to I never meant to hurt you but I slept with someone.

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ElizabethIII
Yea but who would want someone who only realizes your value when they are going through a dry spell i.e. they took you for granted. I think people would be happier with someone who realizes your value the entire relationship and never takes it for granted not for a second.

 

True. Being idealistic it is possible that they dont realize you are the right one until they meet a few wrong ones.

 

The old dont know what you've got until it's gone. But unlikely I guess.

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The spark went is code for I met someone else or I think I can do better.

.

 

...Or code for :-

You are an abusive jerk and I hate you or your feet smell and you are boring, or the sex was abysmal, or that funny thing you do with your lip when you talk drives me insane, or you are far too poor, uneducated, stupid etc. for me, or your mother is a witch..., or countless other insulting things you would not want to say to someone.

Much easier to just say the spark faded and went out...

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It also means I'm no longer looking forward to seeing you, I really don't want to have sex with you or kiss you, I no longer enjoy having conversations with you; but I do love you as a person and wish you well.

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The spark went is code for <snip> I think I can do better.

 

Well of course. If they aren't the right person for you, the spark will go. And yes, there will be other people who are more suited. It's just straight logic.

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...Or code for :-

You are an abusive jerk and I hate you or your feet smell and you are boring, or the sex was abysmal, or that funny thing you do with your lip when you talk drives me insane, or you are far too poor, uneducated, stupid etc. for me, or your mother is a witch..., or countless other insulting things you would not want to say to someone.

Much easier to just say the spark faded and went out...

 

Sometimes the tradeup is worse :);)

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Sometimes the tradeup is worse :);)

 

You're right; but usually when that happens the dumper moves on to someone new and rarely goes back to the dumpee.

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Sometimes the tradeup is worse :);)

 

Yes, but this is easy to fix with a dumping.

 

It makes no sense to stay with someone unsuitable because we are afraid to go find something better for ourselves.

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You're right; but usually when that happens the dumper moves on to someone new and rarely goes back to the dumpee.

 

I agree and disagree.

 

Depends on so many things.. that you cannot universally give an answer for that.

 

Age, gender, and personality traits and dynamics of the relationship yields different out comes if a dumper comes back.

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Yes, but this is easy to fix with a dumping.

 

It makes no sense to stay with someone unsuitable because we are afraid to go find something better for ourselves.

 

Really?

 

You may have this backwards.. we are afraid to be content or resolve what we have. We are afraid to communicate our needs. Think about it... if you marry for 30 years, you going to have your highs and lows and to be honest, people are getting more lazy to go thru the lows because of technology and social changes they try to catch the highs and the easy fix is dumping and jumping.

 

If your with someone for 5 years and something better comes around that means you never cared for the relationship as a unit... you only care about you and the benefits.

 

If you own a house you must maintain and fix things. You don't sit around and wait for it to fall apart and when a new house is for sale you jump ship. You might jump to a new house, but it may be worse down the line. In a relationship if you try to fix things with no results thats a different story.

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As the question says...

 

My ex boyfriend broke it off with me because he said for him the Spark wasn't there anymore.

 

He said he still thinks im a great person and that he still fancies me. (At time of breakup) If that were the case then why would he end things?

 

We got on really well to begin with but then he started acting distant, so in turn I did too and I no longer suggested doing things together because I didn't feel he wanted to! I guess we had got into a routine after seeing each other for six months... could the loss of spark just be the ending of honeymoon period?

Having read every response yet, it doesn't change my mind.

 

No.

 

It does not change anything.

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Really?

 

You may have this backwards.. we are afraid to be content or resolve what we have. We are afraid to communicate our needs. Think about it... if you marry for 30 years, you going to have your highs and lows and to be honest, people are getting more lazy to go thru the lows because of technology and social changes they try to catch the highs and the easy fix is dumping and jumping.

 

If your with someone for 5 years and something better comes around that means you never cared for the relationship as a unit... you only care about you and the benefits.

 

If you own a house you must maintain and fix things. You don't sit around and wait for it to fall apart and when a new house is for sale you jump ship. You might jump to a new house, but it may be worse down the line. In a relationship if you try to fix things with no results thats a different story.

 

I've been with my partner for 25 years. We have two kids, one of which is disabled. And was married before him. I think I know something about how long term relationships and the phases they go through.

 

When I talk about leaving a partner because I know there is better out there, I would have gotten to the point of leaving because of irreconcilable differences. For example, I left my ex-h because I was unhappy and I *knew* I could do far better. When we were together, he knew I was unhappy, he refused to address the issues or do counselling.

 

Alternatively, if I was dating someone new and found a deal breaker on his side, I probably wouldn't bother talking about it. I don't believe we can change people, so if it's early days, it's better to just cut and run.

 

In short, if a person is unhappy with their partner and it's not getting better, then of course there will be better out there.

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I wanted to add some thoughts on the "spark".

 

It would be naive to end a relationship simply because the honeymoon period had ended. So, if the spark we are describing is simply of lust, I would say that the dumper still has a lot to learn.

 

I don't need to constantly ravage my guy anymore. But after 25 years, I still look forward to him coming in the door each night. That's my spark.

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I've been with my partner for 25 years. We have two kids, one of which is disabled. And was married before him. I think I know something about how long term relationships and the phases they go through.

 

When I talk about leaving a partner because I know there is better out there, I would have gotten to the point of leaving because of irreconcilable differences. For example, I left my ex-h because I was unhappy and I *knew* I could do far better. When we were together, he knew I was unhappy, he refused to address the issues or do counselling.

 

Alternatively, if I was dating someone new and found a deal breaker on his side, I probably wouldn't bother talking about it. I don't believe we can change people, so if it's early days, it's better to just cut and run.

 

In short, if a person is unhappy with their partner and it's not getting better, then of course there will be better out there.

 

Ego.. ego..we dont need to display our ego.

This is totally different than what you previously posted to the OP.

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