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Should I send my dumper ex this message after 1 month of NC? **(Updated)**


lizardking82

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Maybe I am just a bit emotional right now, but I guess I will share it with you rather than share it with her directly and then if several people think I should share it with her, maybe I will. She chose to leave our relationship without real cause about 2 months ago, a relationship filled with good times and a lot of awesomeness, but I have my doubts it's a new guy in the picture or she's just confused as hell

 

Anyways, here is what I was contemplating on sending her

 

"I think love is a choice we make everyday. After the initial honeymoon phase for the first 6 months or 1 year, we choose to love the other person everyday, through their flaws and insecurities and mistakes and changes. I chose to love you everyday no matter what. I felt the same way after 2 years of being together, everytime I touched your hand, everytime I saw you smile, everytime I caressed you, everytime we made love, I felt the same way. Not for one moment did I doubt my choice to love you everyday and never thought of stoping that. It would have been nice to see you try, too."

 

I feel she's just being immature (19 years old) and she thinks she will find the same magic with another guy, but she will just find out if you don't choose to love someone, she will get the same ****.

 

Please, feel free to tell me it's a bad idea as I somehow got the feeling it is, but I just wanted to share it somewhere, with someone..

Edited by lizardking82
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Maybe I am just a bit emotional right now, but I guess I will share it with you rather than share it with her directly and then if several people think I should share it with her, maybe I will. She chose to leave our relationship without real cause about 2 months ago, a relationship filled with good times and a lot of awesomeness, but I have my doubts it's a new guy in the picture or she's just confused as hell

 

Anyways, here is what I was contemplating on sending her

 

"I think love is a choice we make everyday. After the initial honeymoon phase for the first 6 months or 1 year, we choose to love the other person everyday, through their flaws and insecurities and mistakes and changes. I chose to love you everyday no matter what. I felt the same way after 2 years of being together, everytime I touched your hand, everytime I saw you smile, everytime I caressed you, everytime we made love, I felt the same way. Not for one moment did I doubt my choice to love you everyday and never thought of stoping that. It would have been nice to see you try, too."

 

I feel she's just being immature (19 years old) and she thinks she will find the same magic with another guy, but she will just find out if you don't choose to love someone, she will get the same ****.

 

Please, feel free to tell me it's a bad idea as I somehow got the feeling it is, but I just wanted to share it somewhere, with someone..

 

Dont do it

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I sent some similar to what you want to send. It was 3 months post breakup and 2 months NC. I got nothing out of it. Felt even worse after for a while. If she wanted to see you she would be reaching out. Nothing you can say will get her back. Sorry but it is the truth.

 

If you still feel compelled to send it, just be prepared for no response or one where you get more questions than answers.

 

In the end you have to do what your heart tells you. Good luck brother, we've all been where you have.

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Throwing my voice in to help strengthen the consensus and stop you making a big mistake - don't do it!

 

You'll just make her feel more empowered and will make yourself look weaker. You won't get a response, an apology or any answers you seek. You'll just end up regretting it and feeling worse, which is the last thing you need right now.

 

I sent about 3 of those types of letters/e-mails over a four month period and I thoroughly regret it to this day.

 

Don't do it.

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Maybe I am just a bit emotional right now, but I guess I will share it with you rather than share it with her directly and then if several people think I should share it with her, maybe I will. She chose to leave our relationship without real cause about 2 months ago, a relationship filled with good times and a lot of awesomeness, but I have my doubts it's a new guy in the picture or she's just confused as hell

 

Anyways, here is what I was contemplating on sending her

 

"I think love is a choice we make everyday. After the initial honeymoon phase for the first 6 months or 1 year, we choose to love the other person everyday, through their flaws and insecurities and mistakes and changes. I chose to love you everyday no matter what. I felt the same way after 2 years of being together, everytime I touched your hand, everytime I saw you smile, everytime I caressed you, everytime we made love, I felt the same way. Not for one moment did I doubt my choice to love you everyday and never thought of stoping that. It would have been nice to see you try, too."

 

I feel she's just being immature (19 years old) and she thinks she will find the same magic with another guy, but she will just find out if you don't choose to love someone, she will get the same ****.

 

Please, feel free to tell me it's a bad idea as I somehow got the feeling it is, but I just wanted to share it somewhere, with someone..

 

That is one of the most awful and cringe-worthy things I have ever read. Don't ever think about sending anything remotely like that or actually don't send anything at all.

 

I was in the exact same position as you a three years ago. Problem was at the time I was 21 and too stubborn to listen to peoples advice and I sent almost the same exact message as the one you wrote. It got me nothing. Don't make that mistake.

 

You've been broken up for 2 months and it feels awful, you've been NC for a month and it feels like an eternity.

 

There was point in time when I was 8 months NC with my ex. No texts, no fb, no insta, no snap, etc. She probably hit me up 3 or 4 times during that NC period and it drove her absolutely nuts when I didn't reply.

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Sending that message would achieve nothing. It would be terribly wrong, which is also true of this:

 

She chose to leave our relationship without real cause

 

There's always a real cause. Not necessarily someone else, but she has her reasons to leave, however incomprehensible they are to you. As someone said previously, nothing prevents her from reaching out, but she hasn't done it. That's all that matters, I'm afraid.

 

Hang in there.

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Please don't send it. She will simply cringe when she reads it.

 

She did end the relationship for a reason. Perhaps she didn't tell you what it was. Or perhaps you don't understand the reason she gave. But there was a reason.

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Please don't send it. She will simply cringe when she reads it.

 

She did end the relationship for a reason. Perhaps she didn't tell you what it was. Or perhaps you don't understand the reason she gave. But there was a reason.

 

Agreed.

 

(10 characters)

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Terrible idea, she's probably just going to laugh about it. She ended things, not you. you wont get a response, or worse, if you do, it wont be one you will want to hear.

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Be proud of yourself for realizing what mature love is. It will serve you well in the future when you find a like-minded soul.

 

But DON'T SEND IT! Don't wreck the progress you've made with no contact. NC isn't a goal, its a lifestyle you have to live by now. If she has something to say, she knows how to reach you. I'm positive she already knows you want her back.

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Thanks everyone for taking the time to answer, I appreciate it a lot. I did not send her the message and I don't intend to. It is just that I realised last night how immature she was to just let go of a 2 year old relationship with a bare minimum number of fights and tons of good times, trips, good sex and all the support and love we gave to each other. And it hurts as hell. It hurts because she chose to keep any problem there might have been away from me, not discuss it, but she chose to end it on her terms. I was cut out without even having a chance to have a say and that hurt a lot. Hurts less now and everyday less and less, I guess, but still..

Edited by lizardking82
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there would have been no purpose and no possible benefit in sending that message.

 

All it would have done is make you look more desperate, more needy, more pathetic and more weak. It would have made her respect you less. And most importantly, you would've lost respect for yourself and regreted it afterwards.

 

You may have disagreed with it, but she made a conscious choice in ending your relationship. She had her reasons - you just didn't agree with them.

 

The best thing you can do is stop looking back and move forward with your own life and put her in your past.

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It is just that I realised last night how immature she was to just let go of a 2 year old relationship with a bare minimum number of fights and tons of good times, trips, good sex and all the support and love we gave to each other. And it hurts as hell. It hurts because she chose to keep any problem there might have been away from me, not discuss it, but she chose to end it on her terms. I was cut out without even having a chance to have a say and that hurt a lot. Hurts less now and everyday less and less, I guess, but still..

 

Ok, so you don't understand her reasoning. Or she didn't tell you her reasoning.

 

When I looked back at the history of you relationship, I found this bit written by you >> However, lately, I began pressing a bit on her to gain her freedom from her parents and not because I would gain anything from it, but because she has this idea that she can keep it nice and clean with everyone in her life and I think that's just bull****ing yourself all the way.<<

 

Could you tell us more about what was going on here? Why were you pressing her to gain freedom from her parents? (She was only 17-19 after all) And why is it bull**** that she couldn't keep everything nice and clean in her life? Something not good was happening between the two of you and/or her family here. Especially as she left you after a fight on this very topic.

 

How old were you during the relationship?

Edited by basil67
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Ok, so you don't understand her reasoning. Or she didn't tell you her reasoning.

 

When I looked back at the history of you relationship, I found this bit written by you >> However, lately, I began pressing a bit on her to gain her freedom from her parents and not because I would gain anything from it, but because she has this idea that she can keep it nice and clean with everyone in her life and I think that's just bull****ing yourself all the way.<<

 

Could you tell us more about what was going on here? Why were you pressing her to gain freedom from her parents? (She was only 17-19 after all) And why is it bull**** that she couldn't keep everything nice and clean in her life? Something not good was happening between the two of you and/or her family here. Especially as she left you after a fight on this very topic.

 

How old were you during the relationship?

 

I was 21 when the relationship started, am 23 now. We both live in Albania and Albania is an old school country where lovers rarely meet the parents before they get engaged or married. I had no problem with her parents. I knew her mom from far away, her mom knew about me and her, that we had sex and everything and she was OK with it, apparently. The only problem I started to have lately was that we could not do almost a damn thing couples do. I planned (with her approval and desire as well) on a short trip in a mountain nearby, but everything kept getting pushed aside because she could not find a lie to tell to her parents. That is what made get frustrated. This was the person I loved and having a trip with her would have been an awesome experience, just like it was a year ago when we went to a 3 day camp on the beach with another couple and we had an absolutely awesome time that further reinforced our bond. Furthermore, she doesn't need to lie for stuff there is no need to lie. But she wants (and she said this herself) to look like a princess in front of her dad, meaning she wants her dad to think she's a virgin, never had a boyfriend, doesn't have one now and is just doing what "good" girls do. And that **** pisses me off. It pisses me off because she's constantly hiding stuff from her father and in the end, it turned out she had been hiding her feelings of resentment towards me for 6 full months! Why? Because she thinks problems should be hidden, not discussed and they will resolve themselves. And that is just bollocks. It's a naive way of thinking.

 

This was a person that was 19 years old almost and still was not able to say no to her parents about anything. We were making plans to leave together for Germany and study and live there together (she preferred not to tell her dad about this although I would have been OK either way), but when her mom tells her "study Chinese because there are jobs open for that degree after you finish" I have to convince her that it is a bollocks idea for her to study Chinese? I mean, for ****'s sake, Chinese. She always wanted to go to Arts University. What happened, simply put, was this: she applied for an Arts University here in Albania and I supported her through everything I could. I even told her that we could postpone our plan for Germany and I could stay here for another 2 years, leave then for Germany and she could join 1 year after, exactly when she finished her university. She agreed and everything, even started a German language course just about two weeks before she left. We celebrated my birthday about a month before the breakup. I got her message still on my phone that says "I wanna be with you for the rest of my life, stay together, spend my life with you and make you happy in any way".

 

Wanna hear something strange? The night she asked for space we went out with another couple for a drink. There we had a fight and after that fight, she apparently talked to the girl of the other couple. The girl from the other couple (that couple is friends with both me and her) apparently suggested to my ex that she should take some space to think things over. My ex had told her that she thought the same way so she asked for space. 5 hours ago, the same person had been in my arms and gazing in my eyes like she always did when with me. I swear about it. Like, how could someone turn from squeezing you tight and kissing you passionately to someone that wants space? I have been through breakups before and I kinda felt them coming somehow. But this one, I didn't feel it at all. It was literally out of the blue.

 

And no matter what, as I said in my initial post, never had thoughts of leaving her. Like never. Even when something like that would come to my mind, I would "kick myself in the head" and remind myself how happy we are overall, how little we fight, how natural we feel around each other and how we kinda laugh at the artificiality of many other couples we know. And ironically, those couples are still together nowadays. Makes me wanna bite myself or sth, it's just a huge irony that couples who go out everyday, doing the same, boring things over and over again are together still while me and her..

Edited by lizardking82
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You've just given a very good reason why she ended the relationship.

 

She is a girl who's upbringing is traditional. You wanted her to change and be more modern but she wasn't ready. Instead of accepting her for who she is, you were pushing herself to change and go against her parents. All this stuff about 'love' you write? Love is also about accepting a person for who they are...this is something you did not do.

 

If she was 25, it may have been more reasonable to encourage her to make her own choices, but at 17-19 (and traditional!) she was far too young to be standing up to her parents. And you were wrong for not only trying to come between them, but for fighting her when she wouldn't do what you wanted.

 

The break up wasn't out of the blue. The two of you were having repeated fights with you pushing her in one way and her having to push back. Having repeated, unresolved fights over the same issue is great big sign of incompatibility and it should be obvious that it's making the relationship unstable.

 

She did nothing wrong here. This is not about her neglecting her love for you. Instead, this is a simple case of incompatibility of upbringing and beliefs. She was right to end it - I'm sure she really didn't want any more fights over the same issue.

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You've just given a very good reason why she ended the relationship.

 

She is a girl who's upbringing is traditional. You wanted her to change and be more modern but she wasn't ready. Instead of accepting her for who she is, you were pushing herself to change and go against her parents. All this stuff about 'love' you write? Love is also about accepting a person for who they are...this is something you did not do.

 

If she was 25, it may have been more reasonable to encourage her to make her own choices, but at 17-19 (and traditional!) she was far too young to be standing up to her parents. And you were wrong for not only trying to come between them, but for fighting her when she wouldn't do what you wanted.

 

The break up wasn't out of the blue. The two of you were having repeated fights with you pushing her in one way and her having to push back. Having repeated, unresolved fights over the same issue is great big sign of incompatibility and it should be obvious that it's making the relationship unstable.

 

She did nothing wrong here. This is not about her neglecting her love for you. Instead, this is a simple case of incompatibility of upbringing and beliefs. She was right to end it - I'm sure she really didn't want any more fights over the same issue.

 

Nope, you got me wrong. Hers is not a traditional family. She is a professional model since she was 15 years old. She goes on fashion shows, is the face of several advertisements hanging in the capital city of Albania, dresses even transparent clothes in catwalking modeling and is almost free to go out anytime she wants of the house. If this was a traditional girl we were talking about, I would most probably not have gone involved because I am not stupid to get involved with a girl like that and then get mad why she is not being free and all.

 

I didn't want her to fight her parents, nor make a fuss with them. At all. But her behaviour was a pattern I started to notice once the smoke and the honeymoon started to wear off. How do I know she doesn't hide stuff from me as well? And as I will repeat, she did. She hid her feelings that she was feeling uncomfortable with something and then decided to break it off. I personally think a healthy person in their mind would sit down and tell their partner "hey, you're pushing me too much. I am feeling greatly uncomfortable. Will you let me handle this myself or should I just go away because I am starting to dislike this greatly?". But, nope. She kept it for herself and then, based on her decision to keep feelings for herself, she made another decision that based on that decision, she ended it.

 

She hides stuff and I don't like that. I was pushing for her to change that because it would help her feel free and it would help me not look at her as someone that possibly hides things. I could have also chosen to lose trust and after 3-4 months tell her "Hey, you know what's up? You hide **** all the time, so I think you're a liar and a cheat. I am leaving you before I get hurt." I didn't choose to do that. I chose to tell her what bothers me and tried to help her change it. But she likes it that way. Apparently, she likes throwing stuff under the rug, hoping they never come out.

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Something to note:

 

 

Everyone is free to leave a relationship at any time, if thats what they want to do.

 

 

It can be painful when someone walks away, but that doesn't mean that the person who left did something wrong, or is a 'bad person.'

 

They just exercised their right to choose the direction of their life.

 

 

Take care.

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She hid her feelings that she was feeling uncomfortable with something and then decided to break it off. I personally think a healthy person in their mind would sit down and tell their partner "hey, you're pushing me too much. I am feeling greatly uncomfortable. Will you let me handle this myself or should I just go away because I am starting to dislike this greatly?". But, nope. She kept it for herself and then, based on her decision to keep feelings for herself, she made another decision that based on that decision, she ended it.

 

She may not have sat you down and explained it to you, but the fact that the two of you were fighting clearly showed that she was unhappy. Why was repeated fighting not enough to give you a clue that something was wrong?

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She may not have sat you down and explained it to you, but the fact that the two of you were fighting clearly showed that she was unhappy. Why was repeated fighting not enough to give you a clue that something was wrong?

 

It was a fight a month. And not over the same topic. I mean, common, man. Other couples fight daily or close to that. Fighting once a month in a relationship means you're unhappy?!

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It was a fight a month. And not over the same topic. I mean, common, man. Other couples fight daily or close to that. Fighting once a month in a relationship means you're unhappy?!

 

I had the impression that the two of you were having repeated fights about you wanting her to be more independent from her parents.

 

I guess with fights, the semantics of the word 'fight' are important. Not being witness to the fights you're talking about, I am loathe to comment specifically on your relationship. Yes, it's quite normal for couples to 'disagree, discuss and resolve'. But 'fighting' is about each party pushing their own agenda with a view to winning. Fighting can also involve hurting each other or being disrespectful of the other person's opinion. For example, the word 'bull****' has no place whatsoever in a respectful disagreement.

 

As she left you after a fight, I am guessing that the fight wasn't the kind which was being had respectfully. And I'm also guessing that she didn't see a resolution on the horizon.

 

For the record, any couple who fights daily or close to that should not be together. It's a poor comparison.

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I had the impression that the two of you were having repeated fights about you wanting her to be more independent from her parents.

 

I guess with fights, the semantics of the word 'fight' are important. Not being witness to the fights you're talking about, I am loathe to comment specifically on your relationship. Yes, it's quite normal for couples to 'disagree, discuss and resolve'. But 'fighting' is about each party pushing their own agenda with a view to winning. Fighting can also involve hurting each other or being disrespectful of the other person's opinion. For example, the word 'bull****' has no place whatsoever in a respectful disagreement.

 

As she left you after a fight, I am guessing that the fight wasn't the kind which was being had respectfully. And I'm also guessing that she didn't see a resolution on the horizon.

 

For the record, any couple who fights daily or close to that should not be together. It's a poor comparison.

 

I personally dislike fights and am not a fan of them because I was raised in a family environment that was full of fights almost everyday. My father fought with my mother, my grandparents fought with my mother, with my father and with me and my brother. Everyone was fighting in that house of mine and if there is one thing I wanna avoid, that's fights because I think people should get along and be able to resolve things peacefully, not by yelling at each other.

 

However, living in such an environment for 21 years of my life, I cannot help but have some of that "fighting" spirit inside of me. I have worked a lot to reduce it, but I can tell you this: I am not thankful for the environment I was raised in in this aspect, but on the other hand, I think it's better to know how to fight so that you can actually fight someone when you need to. So that you can actually stand up for yourself when you need to. I stood up to my father in a way I would not have liked, but had my father been a quiet man, I wouldn't have learned what it means to stand up for yourself.

 

Her family, on the other hand, is a complete opposite in this aspect. They are calm people, too calm I would say. And since they are calm, their daughter, the person I loved the most in my whole life until now, is a calm person. And I LOVE THAT ABOUT HER. She almost never initiated fights between me and her. However, just liker her family, she is too calm. She never says no to anyone, for anything. And that is a flaw I don't want my partner that I plan to spend my life with to have. I wanna be able to rely on my partner for important things. How can I rely on someone that doesn't even show signs of being able to stand up for herself. I mean, man, she literally told me "I don't think I can stand up for myself right now. Maybe later, but not right now". Huge turn off. And no, I was not pretending she went fully independent and not asked her parents about anything at all, no, no. I was just hoping she could start to show some little signs that I am becoming a big girl, I will tell you I have a boyfriend, daddy, I will let you know I am not a virgin anymore and I will start earning my right slowly although you're keeping a roof over my head.

 

You might say "It is not your business how she handles her father and the relationship with him" and you are totally right. But, when it starts to affect us as a couple, it becomes my business. And the least I can do is point out a flaw in her, because I really believe it is a flaw if you are the kind of person who chooses to avoid confrontation just because it feels uncomfortable. Well, tough ****. Life is not all comfortable and rosey and sunny. Life has fights in it, life needs you to stand up to your parents sometimes. If you never do, I know for a fact that whoever you are, you will become a spineless person for the rest of your life and I prefer telling my most loved person that she is towards that road rather than letting her do what she thinks is best. I think love is showing someone they are ****ing up an aspect of their lives and I only had her best interest at heart. I only wanted her to enjoy herself more, to feel free more and consequently, to be able to feel more free in our relationship. Apparently, she didn't feel that way and wanted to continue the comfortable way for some more time.

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You're doing some great unpacking here Lizardking.

 

I personally dislike fights and am not a fan of them because I was raised in a family environment that was full of fights almost everyday <snip> but I can tell you this: I am not thankful for the environment I was raised in in this aspect, but on the other hand, I think it's better to know how to fight so that you can actually fight someone when you need to.

 

Good for you taking steps in not wanting to repeat the unpleasant atmosphere of your family. Could I just point out that one doesn't need to be able to 'fight' to stand up for themselves. What they need is to be assertive.

 

Her family, on the other hand, is a complete opposite in this aspect. They are calm people, too calm I would say. And since they are calm, their daughter, the person I loved the most in my whole life until now, is a calm person. And I LOVE THAT ABOUT HER. She almost never initiated fights between me and her. However, just liker her family, she is too calm. She never says no to anyone, for anything. And that is a flaw I don't want my partner that I plan to spend my life with to have.

 

Hang on, you said that the two of you had fights. The means she must have been standing her ground towards you. Logic says that if she doesn't ever say "no" then there were be no disagreements or fights.

 

I wanna be able to rely on my partner for important things. How can I rely on someone that doesn't even show signs of being able to stand up for herself. I mean, man, she literally told me "I don't think I can stand up for myself right now. Maybe later, but not right now". Huge turn off.

 

And here we have some pretty big incompatibilities. Some of this would be age related too. Four years is a lot at your age. And it's very self aware of her to be able to say that this isn't the right time for her to make whatever push back you want her to make.

 

This girl does know how to say "no". But I think your experience is of her saying "no" to things you want vs things she/her parents want and this makes you believe she's not capable of standing up for herself.

 

And no, I was not pretending she went fully independent and not asked her parents about anything at all, no, no. I was just hoping she could start to show some little signs that I am becoming a big girl, I will tell you I have a boyfriend, daddy, I will let you know I am not a virgin anymore and I will start earning my right slowly although you're keeping a roof over my head.

 

But she didn't want to do this. Your choice was to either accept it or leave. Not to encourage her to do something she doesn't want.

 

Perhaps you needed to be dating someone older?

 

You might say "It is not your business how she handles her father and the relationship with him" and you are totally right. But, when it starts to affect us as a couple, it becomes my business. And the least I can do is point out a flaw in her, because I really believe it is a flaw if you are the kind of person who chooses to avoid confrontation just because it feels uncomfortable. Well, tough ****. Life is not all comfortable and rosey and sunny.

 

It is both is and isn't your business. Yes, the relationship between them does effect you. But it's not your place to tell her how to manage that relationship. A good rule in life is to not advise someone unless they ask for help.

 

And again, it does sound like she stood her ground against your encouraging of her to stand up to her parents. You may not have liked what was going on but SHE WASN'T READY to do what you were asking. It's OK for her not to be ready.

 

Life has fights in it, life needs you to stand up to your parents sometimes. If you never do, I know for a fact that whoever you are, you will become a spineless person for the rest of your life and I prefer telling my most loved person that she is towards that road rather than letting her do what she thinks is best. I think love is showing someone they are ****ing up an aspect of their lives and I only had her best interest at heart. I only wanted her to enjoy herself more, to feel free more and consequently, to be able to feel more free in our relationship. Apparently, she didn't feel that way and wanted to continue the comfortable way for some more time.

 

I disagree with the bolded part so much. People will do what they need to do for themselves when they are ready. No amount of telling them that they are wrong will make them change before the time is right for them. Besides the fact that this issue isn't about right vs wrong. This is about difference of opinion and approach to life.

 

If she wants a calm life, then that's her prerogative. And it actually is achievable if you find someone who matches you in attitude.

 

You're absolutely right that she didn't feel the same way as you and wanted to continue being comfortable with her parents for some more time. 100% right. And this is the very reason she she needed to end things. You weren't happy with her life decisions....she wasn't prepared to do as you wanted so she left the relationship.

 

Have you considered that if you let her do things in her own time, she would likely still be with you? Or do you think that it would have been an intolerable outcome and you're better off apart from the relationship?

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You're doing some great unpacking here Lizardking.

 

 

 

Good for you taking steps in not wanting to repeat the unpleasant atmosphere of your family. Could I just point out that one doesn't need to be able to 'fight' to stand up for themselves. What they need is to be assertive.

 

 

 

Hang on, you said that the two of you had fights. The means she must have been standing her ground towards you. Logic says that if she doesn't ever say "no" then there were be no disagreements or fights.

 

 

 

And here we have some pretty big incompatibilities. Some of this would be age related too. Four years is a lot at your age. And it's very self aware of her to be able to say that this isn't the right time for her to make whatever push back you want her to make.

 

This girl does know how to say "no". But I think your experience is of her saying "no" to things you want vs things she/her parents want and this makes you believe she's not capable of standing up for herself.

 

 

 

But she didn't want to do this. Your choice was to either accept it or leave. Not to encourage her to do something she doesn't want.

 

Perhaps you needed to be dating someone older?

 

 

 

It is both is and isn't your business. Yes, the relationship between them does effect you. But it's not your place to tell her how to manage that relationship. A good rule in life is to not advise someone unless they ask for help.

 

And again, it does sound like she stood her ground against your encouraging of her to stand up to her parents. You may not have liked what was going on but SHE WASN'T READY to do what you were asking. It's OK for her not to be ready.

 

 

 

I disagree with the bolded part so much. People will do what they need to do for themselves when they are ready. No amount of telling them that they are wrong will make them change before the time is right for them. Besides the fact that this issue isn't about right vs wrong. This is about difference of opinion and approach to life.

 

If she wants a calm life, then that's her prerogative. And it actually is achievable if you find someone who matches you in attitude.

 

You're absolutely right that she didn't feel the same way as you and wanted to continue being comfortable with her parents for some more time. 100% right. And this is the very reason she she needed to end things. You weren't happy with her life decisions....she wasn't prepared to do as you wanted so she left the relationship.

 

Have you considered that if you let her do things in her own time, she would likely still be with you? Or do you think that it would have been an intolerable outcome and you're better off apart from the relationship?

 

I would be prepared to let her do things in her own time :( Thing is, the moment she said "I cannot stand up for myself right now" she followed that through with "I don't feel the same" and "I don;t know if I love you anymore" and then she asked for space which I very well knew what it meant. I wanted to sit down with her and discuss it. I mean, we were not angry at each other all the time, we didn't fight all the time, we had a bunch of good things in our relationship. All I wanted was for her to be willing to talk it over, tell me what parts of my somehow pushy character bothered her and get on with the relationship. That girl apparently doesn't probably know how much I love her. Or she does, but her mind is telling her there is some big problem with us. Anyways, my point is that I would be more than willing to ler her do her things her own way, just needed a little word on that and I would back away as needed :( Instead, she just chose to walk away like 2 years meant nothing. Like the plans we'd made meant nothing.

Edited by lizardking82
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