not coping

[JoeyJoJoJr]

I lived with my ex for 10 years, and we broke up over 4 years ago. I just don't know what to do anymore. I saw a therapist weekly for over a year. Then, I saw another therapist weekly for over a year.

 

I didn't speak to my ex at all for two years after the break up. And, it's been two years since that happened. I don't look at pictures of her. I don't look at her social media. I've been cut off from her almost completely since we broke up.

 

I've dated other girls. I've picked up hobbies. I went from not knowing anything about antiques to having an online antique shop that I make a living from. So, it's not like I've just been sitting around doing nothing but thinking about this.

 

I don't know what else to do. I don't know where to go or what steps to take.

 

If you've ever seen Leaving Las Vegas, that's what my life feels like, except without the drinking.

 

Clearly, why things happen matters to people. I just can't see any good reason for this to have happened, and that's extremely hard to deal with. I do know why it happened. Everything happens for a reason, but not everything happens for a good reason, a reasonable reason. The assumption most people make is that 10 years together must have meant something, and that only something equally meaningful could end it, which is not the case. When 10 years with someone means nothing to one of the people, then pretty much anything or nothing at all can end a relationship. That's a scary fact. While it was happening it seemed unbelievable. It felt like the cruelest practical joke imaginable had been played on me, like I had been living The Truman show and an actress had just been payed to pretend that she was my wife, except I don't think Truman really loved his fake wife.

 

Has anybody read Catch-22? Imagine being with someone who is your "soul-mate." 10 years isn't even something you can grasp in a moment. Just remembering 10 years is a process that takes years. Anyway, imagine one day, you wake up and the love of your life has been replaced by Aarfy. There's one scene where they're up in the plane being shot at, and Yossarian is terrified of dying. He's trying to convince Aarfy to do something, and Aarfy just has no grasp of the seriousness of the situation whatsoever.

 

I dream about her every night and when I wake up, it's crushing.

 

My first therapist insisted that she was cheating on me. It was the only way that she could reconcile the facts with her view of reality. "Relationships don't just end." People won't even let themselves believe it happens, so how do you cope with it when it happens to you? I loved this person.

 

Imagine the chaos of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Take all the good and pack it into 10 years, then put all the bad on the other side. That's what it's been like. I'm not saying my ex had BPD, but she certainly exhibited a rapid shift between idealization and absolute devaluation in the blink of an eye. Then, quit her job, which she had devoted her life to, gave her cat away, and moved out of state. She refused to speak to me about anything. Can you imagine the most important person in your life for 10 years leaves you, and you don't even get to speak to them about it?

 

The corpse of the relationship is just rotting inside of me.

 

I don't know what the point of this post is.

[Satu]

"Evermore weeping for your cousin’s death?

What, wilt thou wash him from his grave with tears?

An if thou couldst, thou couldst not make him live.

Therefore, have done. Some grief shows much of love,

But much of grief shows still some want of wit."

 

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

[JoeyJoJoJr]

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

 

Yeah, remind me how that play ends?

 

I don't mean to be flippant, but it seems like one of those arguments like "It's better to believe in god because if you believe in him and he exists you'll go to heaven and if he doesn't then nothing happens, but if you don't believe in him..." Even if I thought that that argument was good, it still wouldn't change my belief because my belief has nothing to do with what is good or bad for me.

 

I started taking medication about a year after we broke up, and I had about a year of relief from having to think about her. After that year, it's not like I decided that I would try to bring her back again with my grief.

 

I'm not sure Shakespeare really thinks it's that simple.

 

And, I'm not trying to be stubborn. I'm just basing this on how my emotions seem to work. I loved this person. I don't see any good reason for this to have happened, so the only thing I can do is forget. Unfortunately, I have a good memory.

[Logo]

The entire experience has been a traumatic one for you.

 

Have you tried dating? Perhaps the affection and tenderness of the right woman will help heal your soul.

 

I first sought closure albeit my relationship lasted months not years. But eventually closure came from within and I don't give a crap anymore why she did what she did. Sometimes it crosses my mind on an idle weekday afternoon, but otherwise it just doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

[JoeyJoJoJr]

The entire experience has been a traumatic one for you.

 

Have you tried dating? Perhaps the affection and tenderness of the right woman will help heal your soul.

 

I first sought closure albeit my relationship lasted months not years. But eventually closure came from within and I don't give a crap anymore why she did what she did. Sometimes it crosses my mind on an idle weekday afternoon, but otherwise it just doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

 

I've dated several women. I feel even less ready to date than I did 6 months after the breakup, though, when I didn't quite grasp the totality of the situation.

 

You're right, though. It has been traumatic. Every time a memory pops into my head, it's accompanied by a pang of anxiety. If I get an email "so and so updated their facebook profile" I get another rush of anxiety, even if that person is far removed from her and the probability of it having anything to do with her is nearly 0. There have been so many nightmares, too. But, at the same time, I don't want to sound like I'm exaggerating, so I mostly keep it to myself.

 

She ran off with one of my supposed friends within months of us breaking up, too, which added this whole other dimension to it. It's a very alienating thing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't normally post on this board but I saw your post. I am not sure how old you are or if you have kids, what your ties are.

 

Four years is a long time to be stuck on someone. That tells me that something else is going on. You are not only stuck on your ex, perhaps you are stuck in your life. What is the rest of your life like? Perhaps you need to do something to seriously shake it up. Can you?

 

Maybe you can move or less drastic, if you own, sublet and just leave. You would be surprised what a change of scenery can do. Maybe you can get a new job, take a sabbatical, or just go.

 

Your immediate reaction to this is what everyone's is - no, I can't, I can't leave my job, friends, whatever. Maybe you have a child and in that case, maybe you can't really leave but you can shake things up. But it's been 4 years, do you want to feel like this in Dec 2017?

 

I can tell you from my own past, the only way I got over someone (and believe me, I carry torches) was to really shake things up. And I am not talking about training for a marathon. I am talking about moving, quitting my job, travelling to a country where I did not speak the language.

 

I will tell you I had a horrible relationship for 3 years from which I could not escape. I moved and changed jobs - to a job with all travel. They immediately sent me out west to CA. I'm telling you - it worked.

 

So what can you do to shake things up?

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened. It was traumatic and you are still trying process it. It probably comes down to the kind of person she was. Most people who break up feel remorse, sadness, struggle to cope with hurting someone else and with their own feelings. Sometimes people break up with their partner because their feelings have changed, maybe gradually, maybe suddenly. Feelings are not under our control, as you have found in the most painful way. It sounds to me that your ex was one of those people who can literally just turn on a penny and flip into a different reality. There are people like that. That could be why you could not pick up any sense of regret or sadness on her part. Yes, I can understand that would be truly disturbing.

 

It is awful that you met someone like that. The psyche is pretty inscrutible. I can understand your need to make sense of this in order to move on. It is hard to move on if you have no idea what happened or why. You perhaps feel you would not be able to prevent it happening again. It seems likely to me you met one of those strange people. Not intending to scare you or anyone else, but TV crime programmes are full of people who can live with their partner and then murder them. I'm not suggesting your ex was like this but I mention it to show that some people can almost be two different characters at once. I find it disturbing too. It is awful to be on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour. Look for signs where words and behaviour do not match.

 

One good thing you can take from all this is you can be alert in future for signs that a person can disconnect in this way. In many cases, there are warning signs - disconnects between 'put on' behaviour and actual behaviour, heartless attitudes that seem out of keeping with other kind words expressed. You can look out for people who may display these traits and protect yourself from becoming involved with them. There is hope that you can find someone who has real empathy and loyalty by avoiding those who have split personalities and traits.

Edited December 11, 2016 by spiderowl

[Satu]

snip

Yeah, remind me how that play ends?

 

 

We know both know how that play ends, but the end of yours has yet to be written.

 

It will be written by you alone.

 

Good luck with it.

[bluefeather]

The person you loved is no more. Let her go. With it being 4 years, it is obviously easier said than done, but maybe you should try changing your perspective to something along those lines, if you have not already.

 

10 years allows a lot of complexity to form. That's a good chunk of your life you shared with someone. I have done a relationship about the same amount of time. But our breakup was not like that. I am guessing it's because of the way it ended that things are so much harder for you. I'm sorry that she did that to you. But you gotta let her go. The moment she broke ties in such a way is the moment the person you knew she was died. Bless her and move on.

 

Continue to look for someone better.

[Satu]

After a certain point, grief can become a habit.

 

That's the point where it becomes in itself, dysfunctional.

 

Grieving is an essential part of healing, but if it goes on too long it becomes another sickness, possibly worse than the first.

 

 

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

 

 

― Omar Khayyám

[OatsAndHall]

It sounds to me like this experience has triggered something that needs to be handled medically.. People forget that these types of break-ups are extremely traumatic and can have a lasting affect on your brain chemistry. There is a certain stigma that surrounds psychotropic medications and mental illness in general in this country. But, there are certain experiences that some folks just cannot move forward from without that help. You stated that life was easier for you while on medication. Maybe it's time to seriously consider that route as your best option. It's been four years, you've done everything outside of medication to cope with this loss. Honestly, if a little pill taken every day improves your quality of life, why not do it?

 

I've been on medication for depression and anxiety for years as it runs like wildfire through my family. I was actually diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD after my divorce as it compounded my anxiety ten-fold. I don't think that I could have moved on from my divorce without the medication I take. To this day, I still sink into bouts of depression and anxiety and I start thinking about my ex wife and that past life..

[JoeyJoJoJr]

I don't normally post on this board but I saw your post.

 

My plan is to do what you suggest, and I appreciate the nudge in that direction. I do just want to get out of here. I know what steps I need to take, too. Unfortunately, it's going to take some time.

[JoeyJoJoJr]

I am sorry to hear what happened. It was traumatic and you are still trying process it.

 

Everything you said has the ring of truth to me. The thing is, I knew it all along, but when you love someone, nothing really seems to contend with that, especially when they are telling you "nothing matters more than you and our relationship." What was I going to do, leave the person that I loved because of some (seemingly) minor character flaws? In retrospect, there were numerous times that I should have broken up with her.

 

That adds to the difficulty of letting go because for a very long time nothing mattered more than our relationship - my emotional well-being, for instance. Then, all of a sudden, I'm asked to treat it like it's not important at all for reasons that I think are very shallow.

 

Yes, the whole reason I think I can't get over this is that I can't just write her off. I can't bring myself to believe that she doesn't exist, not because I don't want to believe, but because I can't see it as something that's true.

[JoeyJoJoJr]

snip

 

 

We know both know how that play ends, but the end of yours has yet to be written.

 

It will be written by you alone.

 

Good luck with it.

 

Just to be clear, I wasn't being fatalistic. My point was that, yeah, a character does say that, but then two other characters decide that life isn't worth living without one another. I don't think Shakespeare intended their actions to be viewed with cynicism either, but that's just my opinion.

 

I'll freely admit that I don't want to love anyone else because it seems at odds with my own conception of love, which I have accepted as the meaning of life. It's something as sacred to me as anything that any other person considers sacred. If you really believe me when I say that then you can understand the difficulty I'm having abandoning it.

[spiderowl]

You are right, it is not possible to write someone off and pretend they don't exist. It is possible to recognise they are not the person you thought they were and that they do not deserve a place in your heart and mind any more.

 

If time does not appear to be healing for you, then what is it that you cling onto in your mind and memories? What do you feel you cannot let go of and why?

 

Someone breaking up with us can feel like abandonment, which for anyone in a more primitive environment would have been a serious risk to health and safety. It is not surprising you have these feelings, but obviously not being able to let go after all this time is preventing you from finding happiness. Do you not feel you deserve a new relationship and the happiness that could come from that?

[JoeyJoJoJr]

You are right, it is not possible to write someone off and pretend they don't exist. It is possible to recognise they are not the person you thought they were and that they do not deserve a place in your heart and mind any more.

 

Do you not feel you deserve a new relationship and the happiness that could come from that?

 

I hate appearing as though I'm being stubborn. I'm not inventing reasons to not get over this. I'm just observing the "physics" of my own feelings and reporting on them.

 

It is possible to recognise they are not the person you thought they were and that they do not deserve a place in your heart and mind any more.

 

What do you do when you just don't care whether she deserves you or not? It's clear to me that I would forgive her for anything, like she were a family member. I mean, my dad referred to her as his daughter, and she supposedly loved my family.

 

I mean, I guess this is why I'm having such a hard time getting over it. One day, mere months before we broke up, she was rejoicing in the fact that our "whole family" (the two of us and our two dogs) was out and about, playing in the park. One day, we were at the bank, and she said "You might as well have your name added to my bank account." She was posting on relationship forums giving relationship advice to people, telling people that "I've been with my ex for 9 years and I love him to death." Also, our physical relationship was lively. She would initiate sex all the time. She would also talk about me endlessly to her coworkers. That's not something I'm proud of or anything. Also, I don't ever remember getting into a fight where feelings of antipathy lasted into the next day. I made no attempt to hide any negative feelings that I had about certain elements of the relationship, so there'd be no reason for her to pretend that everything was perfect, but that's how she acted.

 

She once said "I'm so proud of the fact that we never fight," which seemed absurd to me because we did fight, not any more than any other couple, but we still fought. She always struck me as being somewhat oblivious to actual problems. I even asked her after the breakup whether she realized that I was actually upset when I appeared to be upset and she said "no." So, I have to assume that she really didn't think there was anything wrong with our relationship.

 

Within 1-2 months of the breakup I remember er saying something to me like "I love talking to you because I know you'll always understand where I'm coming from." Even after the breakup, before reality really set in, we happened to be at a rock climbing gym, doing our own thing, and just naturally gravitated towards each other and started joking around in our usual way.

 

There was nothing unhealthy about our interactions at all. However, there were huge situational issues that were extremely distressing to me, and I had been struggling for years to change them. There was just no way for me to get through to her. If I had known then what I know now, I might have been able to get through to her, but not at the time.

 

For instance, she had dated this guy in junior high, when she was 14-16. This guy was obsessed with her. For some reason, she was unable to just stop being friends with him, even though I made it clear that I didn't like it. But, I tried to suppress these feelings because I didn't want to be a "jealous boyfriend." About two years into our relationship, he came over to our apartment and technically sexually assaulted her. At the time, I was made to feel like I was blowing it out of proportion for letting it upset me. But, he was at our home, grabbing her butt. Did she stop being friends with him? No. Four years into our relationship, his mother died, and he reached out to her for comfort. She ended up staying overnight with him. Again, this guy was not my friend. He was actively trying to break us up. That's such an intimate thing, too, what she did with him. It's hard to understand how to place that in the context of your own relationship. I told her that I didn't blame her for doing what she did, but that she probably shouldn't have let it reach that point, and that I wanted her to stop being friends with him. Six years into our relationship she went out to a bar one night, and just happened to run into him there, and he just happened to get too drunk, and just happened to not have a ride home, so she let him stay over at our place, when I wasn't there. I'm pretty sure that she lied about that too at first. The thing is, I completely believe she never did anything with him. That's how she justified doing anything. As long as she wasn't breaking any obvious rules, I was just supposed to be okay with everything. I believed that, too. I felt guilty for "jealousy." It was only after we broke up, and I started talking to other people, that I realized just how absurd it all was.

 

The day after we broke up, this guy just happens to run into her at her work. They went out to dinner. He was sending her texts about how he was going to masturbate, clearly trying to seduce her or something. I told her "You know he's trying to have sex with you." She said "No, he knows I think that's gross. He was telling me about all these girls he had sex with, and I told him I thought it was gross." You told him that after he talked about it! This makes her sound like an idiot, but she's not. Can you imagine how that feels? She is still friends with this slimy dude who tried to ruin her relationship and sexually assaulted her, but she won't even talk to me. I was extremely loyal, too.

 

There was an even bigger issue, but I'm not going to get into it. My point is, though, that despite all this going on, we still got along pretty well. We thought similarly. We had similar values. We wanted similar things out of life. In fact, she went and lived the exact life that I had wanted for us. So, it's very hard to accept that it was all destroyed for no good reason. Basically, I just withdrew from the relationship for like a week. I was just too depressed or something to handle it, and that's all it took. I think she was terrified of it coming to an end, so she decided to leave before she could be left.

 

I don't know what to do to accept it. It seems like I either need to completely write her off, which I can't seem to do; forget, which I'm not going to do; or appease myself with some defense mechanism or something, which I can't seem to do either.

 

Again, I have not just been sitting around wallowing in this, posting on the internet for four years. I took a two month vacation. I've gone on multiple rock climbing trips. I started a business from scratch. I picked up tennis and got to the point that I was playing a few hours a day. I took singing lessons for three years. I bought a van that I was going to go on a road trip in and put in hundreds of hours fixing it up. And, it seems like I've gotten nowhere, and that no actual healing has occurred. I want some sort of closure but I don't even know what that means or where to find it.

[Satu]

snip

I'll freely admit that I don't want to love anyone else because it seems at odds with my own conception of love, which I have accepted as the meaning of life. It's something as sacred to me as anything that any other person considers sacred. If you really believe me when I say that then you can understand the difficulty I'm having abandoning it.

 

Just as you weren't being fatalistic, I wasn't being facetious.

 

I understand and respect what you've shared here.

 

I didn't understand immediately, but I understand now.

 

There is a poem I'd like to share with you because I think it will mean something to you.

 

 

As a perfume doth remain

 

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

 

Other thoughts may come and go,

Other moments I may know

That shall waft me, in their going,

As a breath blown to and fro,

Fragrant memories; fragrant memories

Come and go.

 

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain,

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining,

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me -

You remain.

- Arthur Symons

 

 

With my best wishes,

 

 

Satu

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you withdrew from the relationship temporarily because things did not feel right and you could not cope emotionally with your ex's behaviour and attitudes. Does that not tell you that she was not right for you?