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Moving on without closure


Kayley

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I know loads of people say closure doesn't exist but given my current situation I have to say I really disagree. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since the end of my intense 3 month relationship. Sunday marks 4 weeks of NC.

 

I know 3 months is a short time but I really felt something for this guy. He was my first relationship in a while. We both had busy schedules but we spoke everyday and saw each other around 3 times a week. He stayed with me every Friday.

 

Things were great, then a 2 week rough patch and he just bailed. After we fought (over me over reacting about something stupid) & almost split up we agreed to give things another go. I went to London the next day and we still spoke everyday. He even booked something for the following weekend. The day I was due home I got a text from him saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. He refused to discuss it in person. Over the next week I made a few ate it's to get him to meet me. He refused. The last day we spoke. I asked if he'd be willing to talk, he asked about what but never answered when I said to clear the air.

 

I'm really struggling with having no closure and not really understanding what's going on. I've drawn my own reasons for the break up which I'm beating myself up for. I keep going over and over what went wrong. I feel like no matter how many times I go over it though & how many people I speak to it just isn't going to go away without talking to him and that's the one thing I can't do.

 

In the beginning I hoped it was the initial raw feeling of the break up and with continued nc it would go away but it's been 4 weeks and I still feel the same.

 

I know I can't have that conversation & I can't see him one more time but I just don't know how to move on without it. I feel like I've spent hours gooogling and speaking to people but I'm still at square one :/

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Closure does exist, but it doesn't come from the other person. It comes from within yourself.

 

Ultimately, the reason why he doesn't want to be with you doesn't matter nearly as much as the fact that he doesn't want to be with you. You might think some final conversation will give you what you need to finally move on, but the more realistic outcome from such a meeting would be you still feeling lousy because he doesn't want to be with you. If anything, you'd probably walk away with more questions based on what he would tell you.

 

So here's some harsh love: He doesn't owe you an explanation. The good news is that it's a fallacy that you need one to be able to move on from this relationship. You don't want it to be over, and that's why you don't feel like you can move on.

 

I've had many "final" talks with exes over the years for the same reason why you want yours. And guess what? None of them really helped. Maybe I felt a bit better in the moment, but then it took little time for me to remember that I was still not with them, and would not be with them. And that can be a much tougher thing to process in the beginning than the actual reason(s) why.

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I too had someone pull a 180 on me. Things were amazing at least in my eyes and then i was ghosted and then once she resurfaced I got, "there's nothing to talk about." All of this out of the blue.

 

It drove me insane. I tried putting pieces together as if I did something wrong along the way. What you need to remember is if he truly "loved" or was "infatuated" with you, he wouldn't throw you in the garbage like a piece of trash.

 

Here's a piece of advice and it will help you. As the dumpee, never ever run back. Don't try to talk. Don't beg. Dignity and self-worth are big. In my situation I didn't care about my dignity. I had to find out and trust me all i got was "I'm going to call the police". Crazy right? All i did was ask how she was and if we could talk. Girl is still on that dating app 1 year later. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

 

I strongly recommend you watch this:

 

It helped me. He's good.

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I know loads of people say closure doesn't exist but given my current situation I have to say I really disagree. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks since the end of my intense 3 month relationship. Sunday marks 4 weeks of NC.

 

I know 3 months is a short time but I really felt something for this guy. He was my first relationship in a while. We both had busy schedules but we spoke everyday and saw each other around 3 times a week. He stayed with me every Friday.

 

Things were great, then a 2 week rough patch and he just bailed. After we fought (over me over reacting about something stupid) & almost split up we agreed to give things another go. I went to London the next day and we still spoke everyday. He even booked something for the following weekend. The day I was due home I got a text from him saying he didn't want to be with me anymore. He refused to discuss it in person. Over the next week I made a few ate it's to get him to meet me. He refused. The last day we spoke. I asked if he'd be willing to talk, he asked about what but never answered when I said to clear the air.

 

I'm really struggling with having no closure and not really understanding what's going on. I've drawn my own reasons for the break up which I'm beating myself up for. I keep going over and over what went wrong. I feel like no matter how many times I go over it though & how many people I speak to it just isn't going to go away without talking to him and that's the one thing I can't do.

 

In the beginning I hoped it was the initial raw feeling of the break up and with continued nc it would go away but it's been 4 weeks and I still feel the same.

 

I know I can't have that conversation & I can't see him one more time but I just don't know how to move on without it. I feel like I've spent hours gooogling and speaking to people but I'm still at square one :/

 

My take:

 

Most likely, he was much less into you than he pretended to be.

 

A lot of people put on an act during the early days - because it's an easy way to maintain a source of sex or comfort.

 

He might already have been secretly looking for a way to move on - and he took the cowardly way out - and he's now being cold because it's easy for him and he used the first available excuse - and he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

 

With that in mind, do you really need closure?

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My take:

 

Most likely, he was much less into you than he pretended to be.

 

A lot of people put on an act during the early days - because it's an easy way to maintain a source of sex or comfort.

 

He might already have been secretly looking for a way to move on - and he took the cowardly way out - and he's now being cold because it's easy for him and he used the first available excuse - and he obviously doesn't care about your feelings.

 

With that in mind, do you really need closure?

 

I don't know, in the very beginning he seemed to be a lot more into me than I was to him. He made all the plans, quite often if I didn't text him back when I was busy I'd have another text from him, a snap or be tagged in something from facebook. He was very open about feelings and I was fairly closed off. He actually said at one point he was really putting himself out there because he had no idea how I felt.

 

He hasn't been cold, cold since the break up. We did have one argument & obviously he stopped answering. He was giving it all the I'm glad I met you, I'm sad about the situation & what I've done to you. I know those are probably just things he's just saying. I no longer think he cares or anything like that. The way he acted seemed to be far too much to be faked though. I almost wish it had been because it'd make it easier. He done far too much for it to feel that way.

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I don't know, in the very beginning he seemed to be a lot more into me than I was to him. He made all the plans, quite often if I didn't text him back when I was busy I'd have another text from him, a snap or be tagged in something from facebook. He was very open about feelings and I was fairly closed off. He actually said at one point he was really putting himself out there because he had no idea how I felt.

 

He hasn't been cold, cold since the break up. We did have one argument & obviously he stopped answering. He was giving it all the I'm glad I met you, I'm sad about the situation & what I've done to you. I know those are probably just things he's just saying. I no longer think he cares or anything like that. The way he acted seemed to be far too much to be faked though. I almost wish it had been because it'd make it easier. He done far too much for it to feel that way.

 

Well, always take what strangers say about something they haven't personally witnessed with a large grain of salt :)

 

That said, sadly, it's my experience that guys can fake A LOT of things if they know it will get them steady sex.

 

Doesn't mean it's true - but it's the only thing that makes sense to me.

 

If he genuinely cared for you on a deeper level - then he'd have to be seriously damaged or a retard to react like he did, based on what you've told us.

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Blanco, I know the reasons shouldn't matter but at difficult when you draw your own conclusions and basically blame yourself for it all. I suppose I want to know if my conclusions are right and if they are I'd like to apologise to him for some stuff. I know that I can't but I find it really hard to forgive myself when I can't do that. Part of me just wants to say goodbye as well because I absolutely hate the way it ended. Youre right, I don't want it to be over but I don't think I want to go back either. I just feel like the same thoughts go round and round in my head and I can't make sense of them. I know I can't talk to him though and I just keep hoping time will help.

 

Ff12343, the week after the break up I tried to talk & I begged and I'm so embarrassed about that. Again probably another reason I want to speak to him because I don't want him to remember me as that person. I know it shouldn't matter and I can't change it. I'll watch that link when I get home later.

 

DK_Casus, I really don't think it was about sex considering we were together a month before we had sex & there were times we wouldn't even have sex because we were out & we lived kinda far away from each other &I sometimes for whatever reason we had to go home afterwards. I don't know, I feel like I pushed him away with my actions and he's dealt with it in a bad way.

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You begged for a week. I begged for months with tiny gaps in between. Trust me I know the feeling and I'm the guy. I was told to "be a man and move on" with no reason for any of this happening and then blocked again. I figured there was someone else but she is still on the app. Can you imagine what that does to someone's self esteem? I too didn't want to be remembered that way but listen, it doesn't matter. He/she isn't thinking about you and after a while when people "mature" and get older, they look at the past through rose colored glasses and realize how crappy they were. Or sometimes they don't.

 

Trust me, I was beyond embarrassed and still want to talk to her even today. It seems only fair right? It's what you think closure is? It only creates more questions as to why he/she even vanished.

 

That video does help. It explains why you keep going over the little things as if it was your fault.

 

People change their minds for whatever reasons and SELFISHLY disappear. It's all selfishness. Nothing you can do but understand he's not a good guy. DO NOT go by what he said. Actions are everything.

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Part of the reason why relationships drag on long past their sell-by-date, is because there is this idea that the other person holds the key to ‘closure’, this sense of resolution at the end of the relationship or post breakup and this sense that it’s been ‘resolved’. This can mean resolving the questions that the relationship may have brought up or still be bringing up, or attempting to understand the other person, or attempting to understand every last thing that went on in the relationship and in the worst of cases, it’s basically like attempting to seek 100% of the answers before we feel that we can put the relationship down.

 

We don’t want it to be resolved because then we have to let it go and work through the grief and move on. We have to take action, address any of our own issues and basically, we have to let go of a security blanket that may have become our purpose.

 

We cannot always get all of the answers especially when those answers are being sought from people who don’t want to give them, who talk out of their bums and are avoiding as much honesty in their own lives as possible, or who aren’t around anymore.

 

We cannot always get all of the answers. It’s unrealistic. I’ve seen very bad things happen to very lovely people. I have been there myself cheated on and over analysing even blaming myself! It didn't make sense and I didn't get all the answers I decided to make my own closure and move on.

 

You were not the only person in this relationship. Yes it would be handy if they’d come back and be debriefed for 24 hours in a holding cell but that’s not going to happen and how about you debrief you?

 

Experiencing a loss (and yes that includes breakups because it’s the loss of your hopes and expectations that were tied up in the relationship), a betrayal or just something that’s very painful, takes time to work through but feeling all of your feelings and processing what happened is actually an opportunity to get to know you further and gain self-awareness in a positive way. Knowing you better helps you to make better decisions and to also live your life more authentically and in turn, pain can turn into growth because you are able to find that sense of resolution within you.

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You begged for a week. I begged for months with tiny gaps in between. Trust me I know the feeling and I'm the guy. I was told to "be a man and move on" with no reason for any of this happening and then blocked again. I figured there was someone else but she is still on the app. Can you imagine what that does to someone's self esteem? I too didn't want to be remembered that way but listen, it doesn't matter. He/she isn't thinking about you and after a while when people "mature" and get older, they look at the past through rose colored glasses and realize how crappy they were. Or sometimes they don't.

 

Trust me, I was beyond embarrassed and still want to talk to her even today. It seems only fair right? It's what you think closure is? It only creates more questions as to why he/she even vanished.

 

That video does help. It explains why you keep going over the little things as if it was your fault.

 

People change their minds for whatever reasons and SELFISHLY disappear. It's all selfishness. Nothing you can do but understand he's not a good guy. DO NOT go by what he said. Actions are everything.

 

The two posts you said are spot on. Spot the hell on. What happened to you is exactly to the tee what happened to me. I can so relate.

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People don't break up after an argument unless they are pussies. He was probably not intending to stay around anyway.

 

Closure can help if you really need the answers. After my breakup (almost 4 years relationship) I sent my ex an e-mail where I poured my heart out completely. I really wrote everything I felt and asked what I needed, put my ego aside, straight from my soul.

 

I knew it was tricky if she would not reply, but realized if she wouldn't it would be incredibly cruel and cold. Luckily she did, in a respectful manner. If she would not have responded I would have been devastated, but still I wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

 

When I look at this e-mail now I have mixed feelings. I'm glad I did it but I'm surprised how I just opened my soul like this, be so vulnerable with the risk of her not reacting in a good manner or not responding at all. I don't think I will ever do it again.

 

But in the end.. I was still hurt for some time, even with all these answers. Deep down I think we all know their reasons, yet we tend to over-analyze and blame ourselves.

 

Keep your head up :love:

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It could be anything really. I hate it when people refuse to tell you what happened. But the truth is there's no way you could know if he doesn't tell you. I know it's easy to tell someone to move on. I mean, if we could move on whenever we want to, life would have been a lot easier.

 

I don't know about you, but when I'm in similar situations, I find that only keeping myself busy would help. Whatever it takes, you have to minimize the time you spend on thinking about him. So whatever you need to do: shopping, working, going out with friends or even other guys. In my experience, going out with other guys is the one thing that helps the most. Not to get serious or hook up with them. Only go on dates to get you excited about your love life again.

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ff12343, I know he's not thinking about me. I just hate the thought of being looked back on as the 'crazy' ex because I'm not that person. I just lost myself to my emotions. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks and honestly, I am slowly starting to care a little bit less so maybe one day that will go and it won't matter or at least won't matter as much. That video was really helpful, thank you :) I keep trying to tell myself he's not a good guy. Remind myself of how much he hurt me and stop the positive thoughts about him that creep into my mind. I'm definitely a lot further along than I was initially after the break up but I'm still hurting.

 

Kelley, I do want to let it go. I do want to move on and I'm trying to address my own issues and move on. Confusion just keeps beating me. I know I can't get the answers. I know I need to make my own closure but I just feel stuck with doing that. Believe me, I've tried debriefing me. I know my faults, I'm just beating myself up about them at the moment and finding it a hard thing to move past.

 

reckoner, he basically said he didn't feel like we should be arguing after a few months. It had been a while since he was in a relationship and I think he had an idealistic view of what it should be. He thought it should basically be perfect all the time. I'm glad you got your answers. As much as I desperately want them, I don't think I can do that. I'm too scared of what it would do to me if he didn't answer with the way he's been about the break up he probably wouldn't.

 

Angela3332, it definitely would be a lot easier if we could just move on. I'm keeping myself as busy as possible. It's tough because my friends have almost all bailed.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice & listening to my moaning. Helps to put all the rubbish going on in my head out there.

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The two posts you said are spot on. Spot the hell on. What happened to you is exactly to the tee what happened to me. I can so relate.

 

Yep. Me too.

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It seems your closure is you had somewhat of a fling with a guy for 3 months and the moment you guys hit a rough patch he bailed. He wasn't in love with you or he would still be with you. His feelings didn't match yours and it happens. You will find it easier to move on if you forgive him (in your mind) and chalk it up to just one of things that didn't work out.

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It seems your closure is you had somewhat of a fling with a guy for 3 months and the moment you guys hit a rough patch he bailed. He wasn't in love with you or he would still be with you. His feelings didn't match yours and it happens. You will find it easier to move on if you forgive him (in your mind) and chalk it up to just one of things that didn't work out.

 

It should be. I know it should be. I'm just struggling so much. I don't even want to be with him anymore, I have tiny little moments where I do but the majority of the time I don't. I just cannot shake that desperation to talk to him...I don't even really need answers from him anymore. The more time that passes the less I care about the inconsistencies in his reasoning, I just struggle with all the things I left unsaid. I feel like saying those things to him would bring me some kind of peace but I can't do it because I haven't even heard from him since going NC.

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People don't break up after an argument unless they are pussies.

 

What if they discover that the partner is an unfair fighter who flings abusive words, swears and says stuff they don't mean? (not necessarily saying the OP did this)

 

You might call me a pussy for leaving that, but there's no way I'd tolerate this behaviour in a partner.

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The things left unsaid are the killers, they are the things I think about every single day.

 

Sometimes I think I feel better, then I remember one of those things I really wish that I had said & it's gone & I'm left desperately wishing I could just say these things so I can walk the hell away & not have them going round and round in my head.

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Part of the reason why relationships drag on long past their sell-by-date, is because there is this idea that the other person holds the key to ‘closure’, this sense of resolution at the end of the relationship or post breakup and this sense that it’s been ‘resolved’. This can mean resolving the questions that the relationship may have brought up or still be bringing up, or attempting to understand the other person, or attempting to understand every last thing that went on in the relationship and in the worst of cases, it’s basically like attempting to seek 100% of the answers before we feel that we can put the relationship down.

 

We don’t want it to be resolved because then we have to let it go and work through the grief and move on. We have to take action, address any of our own issues and basically, we have to let go of a security blanket that may have become our purpose.

 

We cannot always get all of the answers especially when those answers are being sought from people who don’t want to give them, who talk out of their bums and are avoiding as much honesty in their own lives as possible, or who aren’t around anymore.

 

We cannot always get all of the answers. It’s unrealistic. I’ve seen very bad things happen to very lovely people. I have been there myself cheated on and over analysing even blaming myself! It didn't make sense and I didn't get all the answers I decided to make my own closure and move on.

 

You were not the only person in this relationship. Yes it would be handy if they’d come back and be debriefed for 24 hours in a holding cell but that’s not going to happen and how about you debrief you?

 

Experiencing a loss (and yes that includes breakups because it’s the loss of your hopes and expectations that were tied up in the relationship), a betrayal or just something that’s very painful, takes time to work through but feeling all of your feelings and processing what happened is actually an opportunity to get to know you further and gain self-awareness in a positive way. Knowing you better helps you to make better decisions and to also live your life more authentically and in turn, pain can turn into growth because you are able to find that sense of resolution within you.

 

 

That depends. If someone says "I don't want to be with you" and then leaves you alone that's one thing. But if they leave and they come back and do ****ed up things then yea closure. In my case, he had to many chances so I will let officers deal with closure!

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I can definitely understand how you feel. It's been almost 2 years since the guy I was with left me without closure. We were only together for 6 months, but the connection I felt to him was very strong and I thought he felt the same way. One day out of the blue he just stopped talking to me. When I reached out to him to find out if he was ok he told me he was very sick and not doing well. He even went so far as to tell me his doctors thought he may have a brain tumor because he was suffering from chronic headaches. I offered my support to him, but he told me he needed time to himself and did not want to bring me down with him. So I gave him his space and prayed for him daily. Weeks went by and then a month. I decided to check in to see how he was, but got no response. Never heard from him again. I found out later through social media that he had already moved on with some other woman...was seeing her before he even left me. He was also perfectly fine health wise.

 

This crushed me and I cried for days after. I was angry too because I felt like what we had was a sham. I had asked him several times that if he ever felt himself losing interest in me to please just let me know instead of leaving with no goodbye, but he could not even give me that courtesy. I still beat myself up to this day for the texts I sent him right after he left me...the ones where I was concerned about him and then the last text I sent him pouring my heart out and expressing to him my confusion and hurt as to how he could do something like this and how I hoped no one he fell in love with ever did this to him. I can't believe how foolish and naive I was. I'm sure he got a good laugh over the whole thing. I can understand him not wanting to be with me, but to make up this entire lie and pretend he was sick? In my mind only a sick human being would do something like that and he just did not seem like the type at all. He was always so kind, gentle and caring. Even though it's been almost 2 years since he left me, I still have a hard time with it all. I haven't exactly made it easy on myself though because I look around on social media a lot and see all these pictures of him and his girlfriend together.....posts that his girlfriend makes describing what an amazing boyfriend she has and how much she loves him. It really hurts me. I still cannot fathom how he could do something like this. Not having the closure I so desperately needed really got to me. I have dated other people, but nothing has come close to the connection I shared with him. The holidays are the worst because it was around the holidays when we first met. It was New Year's Eve when we shared our first kiss outside of the restaurant I pass everyday on the way to work. I've even passed him on the road a couple of times, but he didn't see me. Just constant reminders. I used to hold out hope that I would hear from him again someday...if for nothing else just to say he was sorry and to give me some kind of closure. But that was foolish thinking because I'm sure he has long forgotten about me or maybe just doesn't care....probably never did care. He's been with his now girlfriend for over a year now. Longer than we were together. So I'm certain I don't even cross his mind. I don't think he will ever realize how much he hurt me though. Nor does he even care. I'm still waiting on the day where he won't even matter to me anymore. It hasn't arrived yet, but I still hold out hope.

 

I can tell you one thing though....it does get easier. Hang in there and know that you have people here who can relate to the pain you are feeling.

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