The one that got away?

[hockysa]

*edit* I'm not sure I posted in the right section mods please move if not appropriate

 

Hi Forum,

 

Hope everyone here is doing relatively well.

 

It's been a very long time since I was last on here and I guess I'm back because I'm lost and I need help once again.

 

Currently going through a whole range of emotions relating to various events in my life but I'd like to focus on one to begin with. How do I move past the one that got away? How do I shake this uneasy feeling in me?

 

Sorry if this sounds long winded and apologies in advance for my thoughts being all over the place there's a tl;dr but anyway here goes.

 

Went to a friend's birthday last weekend and she was there. I'd knew she'd be there as my friend had asked me if it was ok as he'd invited a couple of my old flames since this was going to be a big party which included that circle of friends from back in the day. It's his birthday I had no reason to object and told him it was fine.

 

Bit of background, I had been previously seeing this girl for about 2 years, being on and off for half of it. This ended about 4.5-5 years ago. When it first ended we still hung around overlapping circles of friends. I remember doing my best to avoid her sometimes ignore her for a good year or so and ended up drifting away from those friends. From then till now approximately 3 years I'd never had to worry about seeing her or bumping into her. I'd hear about her from time to time from mutual friends that'd be it and I thought not much of it.

 

Skip to friends birthday, I get there late and already drunk have a good time, see many old faces, I was feeling good. Party was great then I'm not exactly sure what happened but somehow we started talking, we didn't say hi or anything we just started talking kind of like strangers meeting at a party talking about mutual interests. Didn't talk about anything particularly important or anything from the past just seemed like good conversation. Few cigarettes later the night ends she gives me a ride home we say it was nice to see each other and goodnight.

 

That was last Saturday fast forward to today and here I am feeling like a lost, confused and helpless teenager. I've been confiding in an old friend for support while I let this wave of emotions pass but I'm just hoping there's a better solution out there than just suppressing this. It's not the first time I'd thought about her or felt like I'd missed her but I guess I just try to ignore those thoughts and let it pass.

 

Since coming into contact with her again it's been much more difficult and the fact that it's been so long I am slightly concerned that I might have to deal with this again. It's not an overwhelming feeling like I'm about to break down or anything like that but I'd much rather not have to deal with this.

 

 

tl;dr

used to be with a girl for a messy two years which had some epic highs and lows about 5 years later I see her again and can't shake this feeling like I'm not over her.

Edited November 23, 2016 by hockysa

[bummer]

You broke NC in a very potent fashion. You purposefully attended, engaged in conversation, and accepted a ride from someone you feel emotional attachment to. You did this to your self, intentionally.

 

You've short-circuited your healing process by jumping backwards. Just pick yourself up and move forward. Now you know you are not over her and know it's in your interest to avoid her.

[Pete2304]

You broke NC in a very potent fashion. You purposefully attended, engaged in conversation, and accepted a ride from someone you feel emotional attachment to. You did this to your self, intentionally.

 

You've short-circuited your healing process by jumping backwards. Just pick yourself up and move forward. Now you know you are not over her and know it's in your interest to avoid her.

 

It's not a rule though is it? It's a suggestion not to be in contact with your ex but if everyone who ever came on here looking for an absolution had followed that to the letter none of them would have ever re-kindled their relationship and yet I'm sure many have.

 

OP, I have the upmost sympathy with you because no doubt your heart skipped more than one beat when you saw her again. But, you know you and her are over. Might have been the craziest, best couple of years of your life but it's over. Keep the good memories, forget about the bad ones if you can and every once in a while when the thought of you and her pops into your head, it's ok to smile, to take a moment and reminisce.

 

For what it's worth, you probably are best of not seeing her again if you can avoid it but if you've a similar circle of friends it might happen again. If it does, bite your lip and even if she's with some guy just look over at him and think you never had the times that we had. With any luck next time you might have a new girlfriend stood next to you.

[LargoLagg]

There are two ways to get over a girl. Neither way works every time, and for one of them, you need the girl's cooperation.

 

The first way is strict NC until you don't give a damn, which for you seems to be in excess of 3 years. My guess would be that you did not properly attend to your healing. You probably got sick of thinking about it, buried your feelings like a good soldier, and those feeling, like the zombies they are, resurrected themselves upon contact. The only way NC works is if you grieve and process those feeling until they are gone.

 

The other way is hang out with the girl until you either find a new emotion, usually anger or disgust. Sometimes, all it takes is for her to jerk you around for a while, or to watch her bang new guys or to tell you all the reasons why she'll never be with you. Again, that takes her willingness to tolerate you while you go through all that.

 

Maybe you need to enlist her help in this. Tell her you're hung up on her, and you just want to watch her in action in her new life so that you can get over her. Or you can do the hard work of figuring out how to lose your feelings for her. Or you could stick to NC after you bury your feelings again.

 

No easy choices here.

[hockysa]

You broke NC in a very potent fashion. You purposefully attended, engaged in conversation, and accepted a ride from someone you feel emotional attachment to. You did this to your self, intentionally.

 

You've short-circuited your healing process by jumping backwards. Just pick yourself up and move forward. Now you know you are not over her and know it's in your interest to avoid her.

 

This is true. I could have bailed, could have caught a cab.

 

 

 

It's not a rule though is it? It's a suggestion not to be in contact with your ex but if everyone who ever came on here looking for an absolution had followed that to the letter none of them would have ever re-kindled their relationship and yet I'm sure many have.

 

OP, I have the upmost sympathy with you because no doubt your heart skipped more than one beat when you saw her again. But, you know you and her are over. Might have been the craziest, best couple of years of your life but it's over. Keep the good memories, forget about the bad ones if you can and every once in a while when the thought of you and her pops into your head, it's ok to smile, to take a moment and reminisce.

 

For what it's worth, you probably are best of not seeing her again if you can avoid it but if you've a similar circle of friends it might happen again. If it does, bite your lip and even if she's with some guy just look over at him and think you never had the times that we had. With any luck next time you might have a new girlfriend stood next to you.

 

That reminiscing part cuts deep.

Won't be too hard to avoid her no more milestone events for awhile

 

 

 

 

There are two ways to get over a girl. Neither way works every time, and for one of them, you need the girl's cooperation.

 

The first way is strict NC until you don't give a damn, which for you seems to be in excess of 3 years. My guess would be that you did not properly attend to your healing. You probably got sick of thinking about it, buried your feelings like a good soldier, and those feeling, like the zombies they are, resurrected themselves upon contact. The only way NC works is if you grieve and process those feeling until they are gone.

 

The other way is hang out with the girl until you either find a new emotion, usually anger or disgust. Sometimes, all it takes is for her to jerk you around for a while, or to watch her bang new guys or to tell you all the reasons why she'll never be with you. Again, that takes her willingness to tolerate you while you go through all that.

 

Maybe you need to enlist her help in this. Tell her you're hung up on her, and you just want to watch her in action in her new life so that you can get over her. Or you can do the hard work of figuring out how to lose your feelings for her. Or you could stick to NC after you bury your feelings again.

 

No easy choices here.

 

 

What are the steps to properly attend to me healing? Because you're probably right about me burying my feelings, I think I mistook that for being over it which I was clearly mistaken.

 

That second method is how I got the ball rolling getting over her to begin with. When we were over but still in contact we talked about things and she did say that she just didn't see us working out long term and I found a way to hate her it was basically NC from there.

 

yeah another friend suggested I might need some closure of sorts.

Wasn't sure on the idea but I was contemplating catching up with her having a chat get this off my chest maybe just before I leave the country.

[Tuna010]

this sucks so bad to hear, you must of really loved her. I believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes it just takes a while to see what that reason is, let yourself feel sad and maybe if you think you are still in love with her let her know she's had a huge impact on you, Id rather a "oops" then a "what if" you only get one life, id way rather let my feelings be known then regret not saying anything and have to live with the "what if" forever. I was hung up on a kind of ex for 4 solid years and couldn't move on before I finally said something to him, and he basically said he's moved on and got married and initially it hurt but then i was like "thank god i said something I'm free to move on now" and felt relieved Id done my part and couldn't regret never saying anything. Since then Ive had 3 boyfriends but before then I was single and disinterested in dating because i was so hung up on him and finally putting that flame out let me move on.

[Satu]

You get what you choose, and the consequences that come with that choice.

 

Choose wisely.

 

 

Take care.

[hockysa]

this sucks so bad to hear, you must of really loved her. I believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes it just takes a while to see what that reason is, let yourself feel sad and maybe if you think you are still in love with her let her know she's had a huge impact on you, Id rather a "oops" then a "what if" you only get one life, id way rather let my feelings be known then regret not saying anything and have to live with the "what if" forever. I was hung up on a kind of ex for 4 solid years and couldn't move on before I finally said something to him, and he basically said he's moved on and got married and initially it hurt but then i was like "thank god i said something I'm free to move on now" and felt relieved Id done my part and couldn't regret never saying anything. Since then Ive had 3 boyfriends but before then I was single and disinterested in dating because i was so hung up on him and finally putting that flame out let me move on.

 

That's good to know. Yeah I really did love her but for both my pride and my emotions clouding my judgement I didn't handle the situation like I should have and wanted to just get over her and find something less complicated.

 

I'm kind of nervous of the idea to seek her out but it does seem like I might need to face this and get things off my chest. I'm semi worried that my seeking her out to tell her my feelings may seem like an attempt at getting her back but haven't worked out if that's a bad thing or not.

 

But I definitely agree with you on the whole living with a what if. I'd rather choose action over in action. I could make things better or worse but if I do nothing I have no control with no significant change.

[hockysa]

You get what you choose, and the consequences that come with that choice.

 

Choose wisely.

 

 

Take care.

 

I wish I could know which choices are the right choices

[Tuna010]

That's good to know. Yeah I really did love her but for both my pride and my emotions clouding my judgement I didn't handle the situation like I should have and wanted to just get over her and find something less complicated.

 

I'm kind of nervous of the idea to seek her out but it does seem like I might need to face this and get things off my chest. I'm semi worried that my seeking her out to tell her my feelings may seem like an attempt at getting her back but haven't worked out if that's a bad thing or not.

 

But I definitely agree with you on the whole living with a what if. I'd rather choose action over in action. I could make things better or worse but if I do nothing I have no control with no significant change.

 

Yeh life is all about experiences good and bad, if you tell her see her response and go from there, you might realise once you tell her the feelings might subside because it's off your chest and you've done your part and can carry on with your life and whatever happens happens. Life is way to short for regrets and if onlys. Out of all my regrets it's never been regretting telling someone how I've felt, it's more the opposite and it ends up just eating away at you. But I am overdramatise haha I would maybe give it a week and if the feelings are still there maybe re-evaluate, good luck !

[hockysa]

Yeh life is all about experiences good and bad, if you tell her see her response and go from there, you might realise once you tell her the feelings might subside because it's off your chest and you've done your part and can carry on with your life and whatever happens happens. Life is way to short for regrets and if onlys. Out of all my regrets it's never been regretting telling someone how I've felt, it's more the opposite and it ends up just eating away at you. But I am overdramatise haha I would maybe give it a week and if the feelings are still there maybe re-evaluate, good luck !

 

Very true

 

Thinking back there's few regrets where I've done the wrong thing versus regretting not doing anything

[hockysa]

So as the days have gone by I feel I guess at ease again.

 

I still find myself thinking and reminiscing but I feel like I may not follow through with facing her and and telling her how I feel/felt .

 

I'm assuming it's fear kicking in, I feel ok now and I guess I'd be risking having to go through missing her again.

[hockysa]

So before I left the country I did seek her out, and while I'm still not over her it was easily a decision I am very happy with.

 

Wasn't as daunting as I expected it to be, she was a lot more comforting and accepting than I anticipated.

 

We caught up had, nice dinner and talked like we were old friends. At the end of the night I said what I felt I needed to and she seemed to understand. Said goodnight went home and well felt really good about it.

 

Even now it still feels like I still wish she was back in my life but at least now it feels like another girls that I'm interested in rather than someone that's left a hole in my heart.