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How can I stop beating myself up over ruining my chances?


JelatineDessert

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JelatineDessert

Let's say there is a man whose meets a girl on Tinder. Let's say he doesn't know whether she is on there for a relationship or just for sex. As a third date, a man suggests that she come over to his town to go to a restaurant together and then go back to his place to watch a show they like. If the girl were to tell him that she would like to get to know him better before sleeping with him, do you think he wouldn't try to get to know her more? If she says, "That's not what I'm looking for on Tinder" will he never speak to her again? Or will he continue to pursue her? Could his pursuing lead to him wanting a relationship with her?

 

I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

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I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

 

If you ruined your chances by sleeping with him then he's not relationship material himself. There is nothing you can do about what you have done, just wait to see the result. It doesn't really work that way anyhow. People generally see you as relationship material or not, sleeping with them, not sleeping with them isn't going to sway that equation. Plenty of women have slept with their now partners on the first date. Plenty of people have held out and still not received a relationship. Men will either pursue you for relationship or for sex and they generally know which one fairly early on.

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Who knows? If he was only searching for a hookup then it wouldn't really have mattered how long you made him wait for sex.

 

What's meant to be will be. I highly doubt anyone misses out on the love of their life because they slept with the person too soon. But just as a rule of thumb, it's best not to have sex too early when you're still trying to get to know someone. Makes it easier to catch feelings. You guys only went on 3 dates and yet you're so certain that you want a relationship with him. It's very possible the sex highly intensified your feelings for him.

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JelatineDessert
If you ruined your chances by sleeping with him then he's not relationship material himself. There is nothing you can do about what you have done, just wait to see the result. It doesn't really work that way anyhow. People generally see you as relationship material or not, sleeping with them, not sleeping with them isn't going to sway that equation. Plenty of women have slept with their now partners on the first date. Plenty of people have held out and still not received a relationship. Men will either pursue you for relationship or for sex and they generally know which one fairly early on.

I hope so. The days after we had sex, he would always text me to see how my day was going, he would text me while he was on trips with friends and he takes me out to dinner to restaurants. I noticed he's still on Tinder though with very new and recent pictures

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RecentChange

I slept with my husband on the first date - we have been together for 15 years. Both of us were just looking for sex!

 

Waaaaaaay too many variables to make any sort of sweeping generalizations about your situation.

 

Maybe if he likes you, he will like you, and if he doesn't he won't.

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Midnight_Madness
Let's say there is a man whose meets a girl on Tinder. Let's say he doesn't know whether she is on there for a relationship or just for sex. As a third date, a man suggests that she come over to his town to go to a restaurant together and then go back to his place to watch a show they like. If the girl were to tell him that she would like to get to know him better before sleeping with him, do you think he wouldn't try to get to know her more? If she says, "That's not what I'm looking for on Tinder" will he never speak to her again? Or will he continue to pursue her? Could his pursuing lead to him wanting a relationship with her?

 

I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

 

Hi,

 

If someone is purely looking for a sexual relationship on Tinder then that is what they will be pursuing. Can they change their mind somewhere along the way and want more? Yes, but they aren't likely to change their mind before developing some form of attatchment. Will they stop talking to you if you aren't looking for the same thing as them on Tinder? Quite possibly, it depends entirely on person and circumstance.

 

Sleeping with someone and then later forming a romantic relationship with them isn't unheard of in this day and age. In fact I know of a few cases where this has happened. Sadly however we also live in a time where casual sex/hookups are also common. I believe you may have ruined your chances but on the other hand you may have increased them. What's next to be done is to wait it out and see the results of your early sexual interaction.

 

If things were different he may have developed feelings for you but it is impossible to tell. There are far too many unknown factors to be taken into account.

 

Best of wishes for the future ?

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Anything can happen, but if a person isn't looking to enter into a commited relationship, withholding sex isn't going to change his mind. Sleeping with him early on might lead to one of two things. One, the sex was good so he will continue to see you for the sex. Or, once he has tapped that, he'll move on to another person. You have little control over his relationship desire. In the future, if you are feeling it and want to have sex w/o expectations, go for it. If you are hoping sex will lure him into a commitment, don't hold your breath. Go with what you want and what feels right at the time, but never assume you can make a guy catch feelings for you.

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JelatineDessert
Anything can happen, but if a person isn't looking to enter into a commited relationship, withholding sex isn't going to change his mind. Sleeping with him early on might lead to one of two things. One, the sex was good so he will continue to see you for the sex. Or, once he has tapped that, he'll move on to another person. You have little control over his relationship desire. In the future, if you are feeling it and want to have sex w/o expectations, go for it. If you are hoping sex will lure him into a commitment, don't hold your breath. Go with what you want and what feels right at the time, but never assume you can make a guy catch feelings for you.

The days after we had sex, he would always text me to see how my day was going, he would text me while he was on trips with friends and he takes me out to dinner to restaurants. Is this what a guy does when he wants to keep having sex with you or does it mean he is interested in more than just sex?

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JelatineDessert
Hi,

 

If someone is purely looking for a sexual relationship on Tinder then that is what they will be pursuing. Can they change their mind somewhere along the way and want more? Yes, but they aren't likely to change their mind before developing some form of attatchment. Will they stop talking to you if you aren't looking for the same thing as them on Tinder? Quite possibly, it depends entirely on person and circumstance.

 

Sleeping with someone and then later forming a romantic relationship with them isn't unheard of in this day and age. In fact I know of a few cases where this has happened. Sadly however we also live in a time where casual sex/hookups are also common. I believe you may have ruined your chances but on the other hand you may have increased them. What's next to be done is to wait it out and see the results of your early sexual interaction.

 

If things were different he may have developed feelings for you but it is impossible to tell. There are far too many unknown factors to be taken into account.

 

Best of wishes for the future ?

The days after we had sex, he would always text me to see how my day was going, he would text me while he was on trips with friends and he takes me out to dinner to restaurants. Is this what a guy does when he wants to keep having sex with you or does it mean he is interested in more than just sex?

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How long have you been seeing each other? Has he specifically said he isn't looking for a relationship or alluded to that? His actions indicate he likes you and he has some moral fiber, which is a plus.

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I slept with my husband on the first date - we have been together for 15 years. Both of us were just looking for sex!

 

Waaaaaaay too many variables to make any sort of sweeping generalizations about your situation.

 

Maybe if he likes you, he will like you, and if he doesn't he won't.

 

All my LTRs have started out as pretty early sex (date one or 2, I think one might have mostly lasted till third date!)

 

I'm not looking for anything serious at the moment, so on Tinder for 'casual' but the only girl I went out with for a while (and considered maybe dating seriously) also happened to be one where we had first night sex.

 

The ones that "hold out" are certainly not going to make me change my mind about a relationship.

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JelatineDessert
All my LTRs have started out as pretty early sex (date one or 2, I think one might have mostly lasted till third date!)

 

I'm not looking for anything serious at the moment, so on Tinder for 'casual' but the only girl I went out with for a while (and considered maybe dating seriously) also happened to be one where we had first night sex.

 

The ones that "hold out" are certainly not going to make me change my mind about a relationship.

 

That makes me feel much better. But you know what confuses me? When there are two things I hear in the world:

One is: "Only the right woman will make a player stop playing."

and then the second is: "The only time a guy will get into a relationship if he wants one. If he does not want one, there is nothing you can do."

 

So honestly, with these two opposite statements I hear, I can't help but to wonder which is accurate. What do you think?:confused:

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JD,

 

I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

 

How long is a piece of string? :rolleyes:

 

And how soon is "too soon"?

 

Too many variables here.

 

Sorry. :)

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One is: "Only the right woman will make a player stop playing."

 

Stop listening to this one, it's BS. A player is a guy who by definition does not want anything serious. He is serious about getting as many different women as possible. This idea that if you are good enough then a man will stop playing around is one of the most damaging idea's to the female psyche. It's not a matter of being good enough, it's a matter of it being a phase some men pass through and while they are in it, no-one is ever going to make them want something they don't.

 

All men aren't players until they meet the right woman. That is nonsense and it's what makes women stick it out in bad relationships with bad people hoping they are the special snowflake to make them come good. :roll eyes: Some guys want relationships, some guys don't, find one that does.

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JelatineDessert
How long have you been seeing each other? Has he specifically said he isn't looking for a relationship or alluded to that? His actions indicate he likes you and he has some moral fiber, which is a plus.

 

So far, we've gone on three dates. He never mentioned if he didn't want a relationship. He would text me often between dates however our first and second date was like one month apart. I don't know if that's a bad thing. Also, when I did come over on the 3rd date, he thought we would have a fun truth or dare game going on where he asked me sexual questions. I don't know!

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JD,

He would text me often between dates however our first and second date was like one month apart. I don't know if that's a bad thing.

 

Sorry but he's not that keen. A month is a long time between dates.

 

Also, when I did come over on the 3rd date, he thought we would have a fun truth or dare game going on where he asked me sexual questions.

 

^^^ big red flag. He's setting you up for sex.

 

I hope you didn't answer his questions ?! :eek:

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Midnight_Madness
So far, we've gone on three dates. He never mentioned if he didn't want a relationship. He would text me often between dates however our first and second date was like one month apart. I don't know if that's a bad thing. Also, when I did come over on the 3rd date, he thought we would have a fun truth or dare game going on where he asked me sexual questions. I don't know!

 

Hi,

 

I think it's time you asked him what type of relationship he desires. For instance, '(insert name), hey I've been wondering what type of relationship you are looking for; A friend with benefits, a romantic relationship...?' By starting with the more relaxed of the two relationship examples it doesn't come off as scary or intimidating to the receiver. It doesn't seem as presumptuous, besides only offering those two options.

 

As for how I think he is treating you and what that means...

He definitely seems to have a base level of care for you, although from what you have shared it does seem he is quite interested in the sexual component of your relationship. This leading me to believe he may be more interested in a sexual relationship; FB, FWB, casual hookups etc. I'm not ruling out a romantic relationship however because any situation can eventuate into something else at any time and I don't know all the facts.

 

Best of wishes for your future ?.

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JelatineDessert

Ugh I'm such an idiot! I wish I never did it with him so soon! :(

Is this salvageable? How can I have him court me and want to get to know me if I've already done the deed?

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JD - whoops, didn't realise you already had sex with him.

 

Is this salvageable? How can I have him court me and want to get to know me if I've already done the deed?

 

I really don't know the answer, sorry.

 

All you can do is wait and see what he does next.

 

If he doesn't come back to you with the offer of a date, or starts treating you like a booty call, then you have your answer.

 

Be prepared to move on and learn a lesson from this.:rolleyes:

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Midnight_Madness
Ugh I'm such an idiot! I wish I never did it with him so soon! :(

Is this salvageable? How can I have him court me and want to get to know me if I've already done the deed?

 

Hi,

 

Firstly don't think of yourself as an idiot rather think of this situation as a learning curve. You have to be knowledgable about things to make informed decisions and sometimes, later on, we realise we didn't know as much as we thought we did or should have.

 

Is this situation salvageable? It could be, as I said before in this day and age sex before forming a relationship isn't uncommon. To ensure he see's you as a potential girlfriend you have to let him know you are willing to the idea. He needs to know you like him as a person, share a few common interests and attitudes. He needs to know that you like the idea of a romantic relationship but aren't too tight laced in your ways that he would be uncomfortably restricted by dating you.

 

You don't have to take sex out of the equation for your relationship to develop but be weary it may never eventuate. So you have to be prepared for that outcome.

 

Once again, best of wishes for the future ?.

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JelatineDessert
JD - whoops, didn't realise you already had sex with him.

 

 

 

I really don't know the answer, sorry.

 

All you can do is wait and see what he does next.

 

If he doesn't come back to you with the offer of a date, or starts treating you like a booty call, then you have your answer.

 

Be prepared to move on and learn a lesson from this.:rolleyes:

 

Last week, when he was on his trip, he said "I'd like to see you again" and so we arranged to meet up again. He had me come over and took me out to a restaurant. We came back to his place and banged. He then texted me the next day to ask how my day was and then a few days later shared some pictures from his weekend trip out of town. Oh well, we'll see..................

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ExpatInItaly

A month between dates? Eh...pass.

 

I don't think he has a serious interest, but I also don't think sleeping with him early on made any difference in that regard. If a guy likes you, sleeping with him early isn't going to ruin anything.

 

It just sounds to me like he is looking for casual fun. You two haven't seen each other much in the time you've been talking. In other words, if you were really into a guy and wanted to get to know him, would you wait an entire month to set up another date?

 

All you can do at this point is see what he does from here. But if I were you, I would keep my options open for someone who is more eager to form a connection.

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Let's say there is a man whose meets a girl on Tinder. Let's say he doesn't know whether she is on there for a relationship or just for sex. As a third date, a man suggests that she come over to his town to go to a restaurant together and then go back to his place to watch a show they like. If the girl were to tell him that she would like to get to know him better before sleeping with him, do you think he wouldn't try to get to know her more? If she says, "That's not what I'm looking for on Tinder" will he never speak to her again? Or will he continue to pursue her? Could his pursuing lead to him wanting a relationship with her?

 

I slept with a guy too soon and I'm worried that now I ruined my chances of ever having a relationship with him. I'm such an idiot. If i had told him I didnt just want a hookup and let him pursue me, would he have eventually gotten feelings for me?

 

First of all, anytime you sleep with a man for the first time, especially early, you should assume it will be a one-night stand unless and until he shows you otherwise by continuing to contact you and setting up proper dates.

 

Secondly, if they say they aren't looking for a relationship, believe them no matter what things "look" like to you . . .

 

Thirdly, you've done what you've done, slept with him, and that's OK if that's what you wanted to do. However, there's a lot less anxiety by taking the "high road" by not sleeping with them early and finding out through actions whether or not that man is relationship material. You'll find out either by communicating and talking about overall dating goals, observing "how" they date you and becoming more comfortable with them.

 

Sleeping with a man early in a dating scenario doesn't necessarily make or break it, but it just puts the woman in a position of not having clarity and questioning.

 

will he never speak to her again? Or will he continue to pursue her? -- The only way to know that is to sit back and observe whether he actually pursues you.

 

You've slept with this guy, he's told you he's not looking for a relationship but he may keep in contact with you just to keep having sex or you may not hear from him again. You just take that risk. In this case, though, he's told you he doesn't want a relationship, so if he contacts you again, just tell him you're moving on. Take this one as a learning opportunity . . .

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Like others have said, a month between dates isn't a great sign. The dinner and truth or dare game were forerunners to get his foot in the door (or your panties :p). The third date, dinner and doing the deed = mission accomplished! IMO, you are in his pool of candidates - fun to hang out with and a good lay. So, he is tossing you breadcrumbs to keep you treading water until he offers to pull you out of the pool for an evening, then he'll toss you back in. Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear. It's up to you to decide if you are okay with breadcrumbs and an occasional reprieve for his enjoyment, all while hoping he'll catch feelings, so to speak. The long gaps between actual dates doesn't lean in favor of your goal, a serious relationship.

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Last week, when he was on his trip, he said "I'd like to see you again" and so we arranged to meet up again. He had me come over and took me out to a restaurant. We came back to his place and banged. He then texted me the next day to ask how my day was and then a few days later shared some pictures from his weekend trip out of town. Oh well, we'll see..................

 

Don't string yourself along . . . women need to own accountability. So, what I'm saying is, that a little while from now you'll be sitting there telling yourself that this guy is stringing you along and being pissy over it. It's not all him . . . you've been given a heads up and you are "reading" into the little things.

 

And, I don't know what you talk about on your "dates", but you should start having some real conversations about what your long term dating goals are and find out if he's on the same page at least overall.

 

Sit back, observe and learn . . .

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