Dumper vs. Dumpee Experiences

[Deadmeat]

A thought came into my head this morning.

 

One of the reasons dumpees take longer to recover is that while both dumpers/dumpees experience the sense of loss. Only the dumpee has to experience the rejection of the relationship. That's where I am at in my grieving stage. I ask myself if I was good enough or if I was different.

 

What were your differences in experiences as a dumper/dumpee that were different when breaking up?

[jen1447]

In a nutshell - both parties can feel separation anxiety, the dumper can feel guilt, and the dumpee can (and usually does) experience some degree of social rejection, from moderate to major. IME the last is by far the worst bc it plays into and rattles the most fundamental sociological component informing our interpersonal lives and interactions - the notion of self, secure within a social environment of social beings.

 

Major social rejection combined w intense separation anxiety can be an extremely harmful experience. I don't like to belittle anyone's personal accounts but there's no way a dumper feeling 2 weeks of guilt and a little loneliness can compare in terms of suffering.

[Kelley]

99% of posts the dumper has checked out of the relationship well before ending the relationship. I don't think they suffer as much because they have been using their partner as an emotional crutch and finding the next woman/guy to move onto. When I finished my previous relationship I was honest and I didn't have anyone else lined up. We just didn't suit each other, and I was hurting too. A lot of the time the dumper is a coward as simple as that!

[niji]

99% of posts the dumper has checked out of the relationship well before ending the relationship. I don't think they suffer as much because they have been using their partner as an emotional crutch and finding the next woman/guy to move onto.

 

While I agree wholeheartedly with your first statement, I'm afraid your second doesn't apply to a lot of people (to the douchebaggy ones, maybe). Life is not just about finding the next dude/chick. Quite a few people I know broke up with their exes because of different future outlook/planning. I broke up with mine (mostly) due to an identity crisis and emotional bottling-up. I remained single for 6 years before meeting my current SO, without even attempting to go on any dates during those 6 years (had quite a few things to check off my to-do list, none involving a romantic relationship).

 

Major social rejection combined w intense separation anxiety can be an extremely harmful experience. I don't like to belittle anyone's personal accounts but there's no way a dumper feeling 2 weeks of guilt and a little loneliness can compare in terms of suffering.

 

Absolutely. I would rate my "suffering" as mild to non-existing. Which may be the reason why I'm on LS in the first place. I'll probably never get over that heart breaker's guilt. The only solace is knowing he's happily married now, as far as any outsider can see anyway. But no, that guilt does not eat one away like the suffering of a broken heart does.

[FTM042014]

In a relationship that is on the rocks even the dumper can see that it's not working. It is still devastating to be dumped but at least you see where it's coming from. When you're blindsided, like I was, it is crippling. And then she told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship at all but that lasted all of 2 months before she ended up with a new (old) boyfriend. The ping of guilt wears off quickly for a dumper especially when they go right to another person's arms. The pain of being dumped can linger for years unfortunately. I am just now feeling ok after a year and 5 months.

 

My takeaway: I will use this experience to make sure I am genuine and honest with a woman AND MYSELF so as not to hurt her in this manner.

 

OP, I can relate 100% with feeling like you're not good enough for them. I've overcome that and it's made moving on so much easier.

[Deadmeat]

In a relationship that is on the rocks even the dumper can see that it's not working. It is still devastating to be dumped but at least you see where it's coming from. When you're blindsided, like I was, it is crippling. And then she told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship at all but that lasted all of 2 months before she ended up with a new (old) boyfriend. The ping of guilt wears off quickly for a dumper especially when they go right to another person's arms. The pain of being dumped can linger for years unfortunately. I am just now feeling ok after a year and 5 months.

 

My takeaway: I will use this experience to make sure I am genuine and honest with a woman AND MYSELF so as not to hurt her in this manner.

 

OP, I can relate 100% with feeling like you're not good enough for them. I've overcome that and it's made moving on so much easier.

 

Good points and thank you for sharing. My situation is roughly the same in that I was so blind sided by the break up.

 

If I may ask, what would you suggest in earning your self confidence back from the rejection?

[Kelley]

I agree most relationships are not always based on cheating, I have been through a couple where we just didn't suit. But I have also seen a lot where there has been cheating and lying involved. You just see so many broken hearts coming to LS because they were cheated on and betrayed and they moved on in a few days to someone new (or the person they cheated on us with). I don't think these dumpers suffer like we do, in the arms of their new lover.

 

I think people that turn to LS are in a bad place, I know I am and needed to be with people that have and are going through the same thing. There are a lot of us! To be cheated on and then left for that person for me is one of the worst feelings in the world. I have never suffered with anxiety and panic attacks until this break up.

 

Had my ex just being honest about his feelings and not waited until he was happily set up to jump ship I would have been better, heartbroken still, but not where I am now. I'm doing so much to build myself back up though I'm proud of that, that I have found the strength to move on and live my life, go NC, try new things and get out in the world. I may sound bitter, but I have learned a lot from this relationship, I have better boundaries. So in this case, the dumper definitely got the better deal!

 

 

While I agree wholeheartedly with your first statement, I'm afraid your second doesn't apply to a lot of people (to the douchebaggy ones, maybe). Life is not just about finding the next dude/chick. Quite a few people I know broke up with their exes because of different future outlook/planning. I broke up with mine (mostly) due to an identity crisis and emotional bottling-up. I remained single for 6 years before meeting my current SO, without even attempting to go on any dates during those 6 years (had quite a few things to check off my to-do list, none involving a romantic relationship).

 

 

 

Absolutely. I would rate my "suffering" as mild to non-existing. Which may be the reason why I'm on LS in the first place. I'll probably never get over that heart breaker's guilt. The only solace is knowing he's happily married now, as far as any outsider can see anyway. But no, that guilt does not eat one away like the suffering of a broken heart does.

[FTM042014]

Good points and thank you for sharing. My situation is roughly the same in that I was so blind sided by the break up.

 

If I may ask, what would you suggest in earning your self confidence back from the rejection?

 

A few things:

1. Do things that make you happy. For me it was taking up guitar finally.

2. Take note of who you are and what you want from a relationship. Specifically what you deserve! Juxtapose that against how you've been treated.

3. This one is hard but realize that rejection isn't always about you. We tend to make ourselves the center of the universe, myself included. Just because it wasn't the right fit for the dumper doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Many times it's 100% about the dumper.

4. Self esteem and self worth can only come from within. If that is something you've always struggled with maybe now is a good time to work on it.

[guest569]

As the dumper, I still felt rejection as I felt like I had no choice but to leave. He clearly wasn't feeling it but kept hanging on and wanted things to work out. We both did. as for the length of time it takes to recover from the loss. Whilst my ex moved on to a new relationship within 3 months, i am struggling nearly 6 months later, and have a long way to go.

 

As the dumpee in my previous relationship.. I moved onto a new relationship in 4 months and my ex took over a year to be alone and figure things out. The thing that hurt so much about being the dumpee in that case, was that I didn't see it coming. I thought we were going along well and things were progressing. In my recent breakup, it had been doomed for a few months prior to the breakup. No surprise, but I still felt shock! I still went through shock and denial. I still sometimes feel shocked by it and wonder what happened.