Rambling post ...

[newheart]

I am just writing here because it helps with coping, and not understanding.

 

Aside from the complete DB he has been the last three weeks ... I miss who he was before, or who I thought he was before. I met him a year ago this month and this season reminds me of our first everything, and I can't stand it. Today is a year ago we had our first kiss. The changing colors of the leaves remind me of our first hikes together. It also reminds me of, less than a month ago, all of the plans we were making to go enjoy the fall foliage together.

 

I still worry about him. I know I can't change him, I know I can't help him or fix him. But, the entire situation has been so bizarre that I can't help but be concerned about him, despite his apparent lack of concern or regard for my own feelings through this.

 

I sleep poorly each night ... tried to wean myself off of OTC sleep aides, but that didn't work. When I do sleep, I often have dreams - not about him, just general dreams in which he is there with me and everything is "normal" again and we are in a relationship. Then I have to wake up and remember all over again that we broke up. It is like reliving this each day.

 

Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of optimism ... that I will learn from this relationship, that this will prepare me for the next one which will be even better. But reality is, this was the first time I felt this way about someone in my 39 years. That is pathetic. If it took me 39 years to feel this way, how will I ever find that again? If I was fortunate enough to find someone who I could simply be sitting across a table from and look over at and feel a surge of love, will I have another opportunity at that? Maybe I will ... I don't know, it was new for me.

 

How did I grossly misjudge him, his character? I understand that things - more times than not - don't work out sometimes. I've ended relationships myself because it wasn't there for me. But, I've never had a good year with someone, and then just never spoke to them again without saying why.

 

Anyway, continuing NC as planned. Guess I am not getting my belongings back as I haven't heard from him.

[Introspectah]

Are you reading this?