How long did it take you to get over your ex?

[Fatty23]

I read a Reddit post about getting over a break up and it really surprised me. A lot of people said it took them years to get over an ex. This question applies to both dumpers and dumpees. And I'm talking about a serious/ long term relationship. Do you think it takes guys longer than girls to get over a break up or vice versa?

[Kelley]

I think there are a lot of factors, the depth of the bond you had, if you go NC or not (NC helps you heal quicker), when you actually accept the relationship is over and look forwards.

 

So many people try and hold on, and surround themselves in the past if you do that you will find yourself stuck there. To get over someone you have to look towards the future and search for something better. If you really want to get over someone you will do it, it's all about acceptance and moving forward. So I don't think there is a set time, everyone is different, it's like saying how long is a piece of string!

 

I also think getting over someone is vague. I don't think you ever get over someone, they were part of your life. I think that the love fades enough for you to love again.

[TooRational]

It really depends. I think that it depends on the state of the relationship at the point of the breakup. It took me about two months to get over my failed marriage (there was nothing left) but I'm still struggling after 4 months of NC with my 6 months long last relationship.

[Fatty23]

It really depends. I think that it depends on the state of the relationship at the point of the breakup. It took me about two months to get over my failed marriage (there was nothing left) but I'm still struggling after 4 months of NC with my 6 months long last relationship.

 

Two months after you guys split or two months after the divorce was final?

[surferchic]

I think you'll be fine once you allow yourself to grieve. Its necessary. It took and still is taking me about a year and half to get over the relationship with my ex-fiance.

 

It was my most serious relationship. I loved him. He loved me as well, but perhaps to an unhealthy degree. So I was the dumper. He got bitter and has decided to no longer even respond to a "hello, hope all is well with you.". Typical of him, when he had time to think and fester over ways he "felt" he was disrespected, he'd get in tough/bulletproof mode. This was his MO to try and get me to beg him to not be mad with me. I got tired of that and refused to stick around for God knows what, next.

 

So here I am, missing the good times,then reality sets in. It's a viscious cycle. I've dated other guys since him, but none that I would consider marrying...

 

I'm just getting to the point where I'm happy/peaceful again with being single... and I'm working on not dating the next man who tries to sweeps me off my feet TOO quickly. That's one of the things that I shouldve paid attention to. He demanded almost all of my time unless I was working... Even then, its like he created fights(verbal) to be in texting relay all damn day long. Petty...

 

Sorry to be long winded, but venting helps me realize why I decided to get out of the relationship with him. Thanks for this thread.

[TooRational]

Two months after you guys split or two months after the divorce was final?

 

Two months after the separation but we actually still lived in the same house at that point. Actual physical separation happened 3 months later and divorce is still not final. It was kinda weird with my girlfriend at that point but she had gone through the exact same thing a few months prior (separated but still in same house) so she was understanding.

 

The actual divorce is not final still. Here we need to wait one year after separation to go through the actual divorce. I see that as only paperwork and in my mind I'm already divorced.

[SammySammy]

A few hours?

 

We broke up around noon. Had another woman in my bed by 9 pm.

 

*shrugs*

[Raena]

A few hours?

 

We broke up around noon. Had another woman in my bed by 9 pm.

 

*shrugs*

 

Having another woman in your bed that fast doesn't mean you are over the ex.

 

Unless of course you were already involved in a relationship with the new woman before ending things with the ex.

[Pete2304]

I've always thought you don't necessarily have to get over it as such but just end up being ok with it. I've chatted a lot recently with an ex I split from 10 years ago and it became pretty obvious we still felt fondly about each other but it doesn't mean we want each other back. Just try and get to the point where you can look back fondly on the good times but you have to remember the parts that weren't great. I don't think there's been many a relationship that's been perfect and ended suddenly. The hardest may be admitting to yourself that things weren't right but it doesn't mean you have to try and forget everything about the time you were together.

 

It hurts, in some ways maybe it always will but it does start to drift away,

I promise.

[Raena]

It depended on the relationship and where it was at when we split.

 

My exhusband... we had tried counseling and fought to save the marriage for several months but somewhere along the line I realized that it was already over and there wasn't anything left to fight for. I was over it long before I moved out... the separation and divorce were just paperwork.

 

My most recent ex... we've been split for 3 years and I'm only just now starting to get past the pain and suffering he caused me. I don't grieve the loss of what might have been anymore, that's a plus. But I do still have issues with self esteem and trust because of what he chose to do.

 

My very first boyfriend... my first love... I don't think I ever really got over him. I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him. 15 years after we stopped dating he passed away and I cried like a baby at the loss. I hadn't even talked to him in ages but he was special to me.

 

Several other men I dated but ended the relationship because I wasn't feeling it... those didn't take any time at all to get over. There was nothing to get over.

[Fatty23]

It depended on the relationship and where it was at when we split.

 

My exhusband... we had tried counseling and fought to save the marriage for several months but somewhere along the line I realized that it was already over and there wasn't anything left to fight for. I was over it long before I moved out... the separation and divorce were just paperwork.

 

My most recent ex... we've been split for 3 years and I'm only just now starting to get past the pain and suffering he caused me. I don't grieve the loss of what might have been anymore, that's a plus. But I do still have issues with self esteem and trust because of what he chose to do.

 

My very first boyfriend... my first love... I don't think I ever really got over him. I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him. 15 years after we stopped dating he passed away and I cried like a baby at the loss. I hadn't even talked to him in ages but he was special to me.

 

Several other men I dated but ended the relationship because I wasn't feeling it... those didn't take any time at all to get over. There was nothing to get over.

 

 

Wow I'm so sorry about your first love! Thats so tragic! Thank you for sharing this. Your response was very insightful for me.

[Fatty23]

I think you'll be fine once you allow yourself to grieve. Its necessary. It took and still is taking me about a year and half to get over the relationship with my ex-fiance.

 

It was my most serious relationship. I loved him. He loved me as well, but perhaps to an unhealthy degree. So I was the dumper. He got bitter and has decided to no longer even respond to a "hello, hope all is well with you.". Typical of him, when he had time to think and fester over ways he "felt" he was disrespected, he'd get in tough/bulletproof mode. This was his MO to try and get me to beg him to not be mad with me. I got tired of that and refused to stick around for God knows what, next.

 

So here I am, missing the good times,then reality sets in. It's a viscious cycle. I've dated other guys since him, but none that I would consider marrying...

 

I'm just getting to the point where I'm happy/peaceful again with being single... and I'm working on not dating the next man who tries to sweeps me off my feet TOO quickly. That's one of the things that I shouldve paid attention to. He demanded almost all of my time unless I was working... Even then, its like he created fights(verbal) to be in texting relay all damn day long. Petty...

 

Sorry to be long winded, but venting helps me realize why I decided to get out of the relationship with him. Thanks for this thread.

 

It sounds like you got yourself away from an immature, selfish man. Good for you for standing up for what you deserve! We can't help who we love but we can help who we're with and what we put up with. Sometimes we have to cut ties for the best. You'll find someone you're more compatible with. Someone who will be on your same level. And don't apologize for the long response. I'm asking a question and I want to hear your experience. Thanks for responding.

[Fatty23]

Raena, I forgot to add:

When you say your just getting over the pain and suffering are you talking about the emotional baggage? It sounds like you were probably over missing him but were still stinging from his actions. I was like that with one of my exes. I couldn't talk to him without yelling at him because I would remember what he put me through even though I didn't miss him anymore. (He always tried contacting me).

[Raena]

Raena, I forgot to add:

When you say your just getting over the pain and suffering are you talking about the emotional baggage? It sounds like you were probably over missing him but were still stinging from his actions. I was like that with one of my exes. I couldn't talk to him without yelling at him because I would remember what he put me through even though I didn't miss him anymore. (He always tried contacting me).

 

Yes, it's emotional baggage. Near the end of our relationship and for several months after we split up I found myself not ever able to have a normal conversation with him without yelling either for the same reason. I don't yell anymore. It's just not worth it. He put me through hell and back though and I don't think I'll ever understand why I just didn't walk away years before hand. I had never put up with any kind of crap from anyone before... but him... he knew exactly how to manipulate me. We have a child together too so it's not like I can just erase him from my life completely. We haven't talked in a few months but I know that sooner or later, he'll get back in touch again. It's always hanging over my head which makes it that much harder to heal and move on.

[Fatty23]

That's tough! Have you ever considered counseling(only because you have a child together)? Is he a good father? Maybe you put up with him for the sake of your child? That was always one of my fears growing up because my mom was married before she met my dad and she had two kids with him, my amazing and wonderful sisters, but their dad was a POS. he ended up getting into drugs and missing out on their childhood. Then my mom separated from my dad who was abusive to her, not me though. I was so worried that if I ever got pregnant by my ex he would be a bad father. That he would make promises he wouldn't keep. He's still floating around in my life after 5 years of BS. I know I could never be with him in the long run but I don't know how to completely let go. I don't miss him but every time I tell him I'm done speaking with him he always comes back and I let him in, even just as friends. I have a hard time with goodbyes, unless they've cheated.

[Raena]

That's tough! Have you ever considered counseling(only because you have a child together)? Is he a good father? Maybe you put up with him for the sake of your child? That was always one of my fears growing up because my mom was married before she met my dad and she had two kids with him, my amazing and wonderful sisters, but their dad was a POS. he ended up getting into drugs and missing out on their childhood. Then my mom separated from my dad who was abusive to her, not me though. I was so worried that if I ever got pregnant by my ex he would be a bad father. That he would make promises he wouldn't keep. He's still floating around in my life after 5 years of BS. I know I could never be with him in the long run but I don't know how to completely let go. I don't miss him but every time I tell him I'm done speaking with him he always comes back and I let him in, even just as friends. I have a hard time with goodbyes, unless they've cheated.

 

No, he's not a good father. He used to do the same to me too... I'd be done, we'd split up, he'd come back around begging forgiveness and I could never say no. I also have a hard time letting go, but he cheated multiple times and I've had enough of his craziness. Thank your lucky stars you didn't have a child with your ex. You'd be in my shoes then.. never able to really truly get rid of him. At some point you have to cut him off if it's not helping you move forward.

[DarrenB]

I think for a majority of people it's not the case of really getting over someone, completely... more so coming to the realization that they're gone forever to not return, is a better way to put it.

 

It's personal preference really on how long it takes to 'get over someone' and the processes of which you choose in order to do so. Personally, I'm over 2 months in, I haven't forgotten anything nor do I intend to forget her. However, I have the realization and the mindset that she is most likely never coming back into my life. Like I said, I think that's the case for many people; a loss of hope in other words. That in itself will gradually help you overcome a loss of someone. Time-wise? depends on your situation.

[Trinity_84]

I read a Reddit post about getting over a break up and it really surprised me. A lot of people said it took them years to get over an ex. This question applies to both dumpers and dumpees. And I'm talking about a serious/ long term relationship. Do you think it takes guys longer than girls to get over a break up or vice versa?

 

Ok I've had 3 "big" relationships in my life (where we said "I love you's/met the families/lived together, that kind of thing).

 

The first one (we were together off and on for almomst 6 years), took me over 3 years to FULLY move on from. I was a mess during that time. At the end he just kinda faded out of my mind.

 

The second one we went out for a little over a year, took me like 2 months to get over.

 

The third (and latest one), we dated/lived together for 1,5 years or so, I'm still recovering 8 months later but pretty much over it by now (just a few residual feelings here and there).

 

I am NC with all 3 of them (the first one vanished a year after he dumped me, the second one vanished the day after he dumped me and the last one I vanished the same day he dumped me...finally!).

[SammySammy]

Having another woman in your bed that fast doesn't mean you are over the ex.

 

Unless of course you were already involved in a relationship with the new woman before ending things with the ex.

 

Perhaps, but I had clearly moved on.

 

The new woman was someone who was interested in me. Said she would not be involved with me because she knew I was with someone. I respected that. Reached out to her after my fiancee moved out.

 

I have the ability to compartmentalize things. Put them in a box and put them away. That may be good or bad, but I don't find it necessary to spend a long time dwelling over past relationships. I can close one door and open another with relative ease.

[Fatty23]

I think for a majority of people it's not the case of really getting over someone, completely... more so coming to the realization that they're gone forever to not return, is a better way to put it.

 

It's personal preference really on how long it takes to 'get over someone' and the processes of which you choose in order to do so. Personally, I'm over 2 months in, I haven't forgotten anything nor do I intend to forget her. However, I have the realization and the mindset that she is most likely never coming back into my life. Like I said, I think that's the case for many people; a loss of hope in other words. That in itself will gradually help you overcome a loss of someone. Time-wise? depends on your situation.

 

I think I'm in that same mindset. It's been about two months. I'm not completely over it but I don't have much, if any, hope of us reuniting.

[Fatty23]

Perhaps, but I had clearly moved on.

 

The new woman was someone who was interested in me. Said she would not be involved with me because she knew I was with someone. I respected that. Reached out to her after my fiancee moved out.

 

I have the ability to compartmentalize things. Put them in a box and put them away. That may be good or bad, but I don't find it necessary to spend a long time dwelling over past relationships. I can close one door and open another with relative ease.

 

I think that's like a fight or flight response to distress. I can be the same way. Sort of an out of sight out of mind thing. But that's only because it hurts too much to face it head on. At least that's how it is for me.

[Fatty23]

Ok I've had 3 "big" relationships in my life (where we said "I love you's/met the families/lived together, that kind of thing).

 

The first one (we were together off and on for almomst 6 years), took me over 3 years to FULLY move on from. I was a mess during that time. At the end he just kinda faded out of my mind.

 

The second one we went out for a little over a year, took me like 2 months to get over.

 

The third (and latest one), we dated/lived together for 1,5 years or so, I'm still recovering 8 months later but pretty much over it by now (just a few residual feelings here and there).

 

I am NC with all 3 of them (the first one vanished a year after he dumped me, the second one vanished the day after he dumped me and the last one I vanished the same day he dumped me...finally!).

 

What do you mean you vanished? Has he tried contacting you and you ignored it? Has any of them ever tried to come back and make it work?

[Fatty23]

No, he's not a good father. He used to do the same to me too... I'd be done, we'd split up, he'd come back around begging forgiveness and I could never say no. I also have a hard time letting go, but he cheated multiple times and I've had enough of his craziness. Thank your lucky stars you didn't have a child with your ex. You'd be in my shoes then.. never able to really truly get rid of him. At some point you have to cut him off if it's not helping you move forward.

 

 

I really hope he turns around for your child! Im so cynical now about men. I know I need to finally change my number or something! To be done with everyone and start over fresh.

[SammySammy]

I think that's like a fight or flight response to distress. I can be the same way. Sort of an out of sight out of mind thing. But that's only because it hurts too much to face it head on. At least that's how it is for me.

 

Interesting point. There may be something to it.

 

I've never fought for a woman. I had one woman break up with me and I was like "Okay". A few days later, she called me crying talking about she wanted me to fight for her. How she was disappointed I just let her walk away.

 

I'm not interested in playing those sort of games. When it's over - when I feel I'm not wanted or respected - I'm out. Gone. It's over. I can close the book on that relationship and never speak to her again. Have done it many times.

 

That might be a flight response, but it seems to work for me. When it's time to go, I'm gone.

[guest569]

It's nearly 3 years since my first love broke up with me. I have 'moved on' and been in other relationships and loved again without giving him a thought. But I don't think I will ever truly get over it. Now that I am alone again, I find that I do still love and miss him. I wish that things had worked out.