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Wierd stuff to cope with missing your ex...


tolduso05

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Good day LS. When I left my ex about a year ago, I wasnt thinking about missing him....i just felt like I needed to remove myself from the relationship. I've struggled withforgetting about him. He was slightly possessive and/insecure but he showered me with attention and wanted me to have the comfort(s) of being "his woman"(as he put it)/ fiance.

 

Since I've reached the stage where I've stopped crying over missing him,i feel like I've created another mechanism, i.e. imagining he's still around...watching me. Have any of you ever had any similar feelings/thoughts of an ex? I realize that the dynamics of a relationship affect one's thoughts of the person once the relationship is over...

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Interesting idea. I went in the opposite direction - I imagined that my ex was dead (in some ways, the woman who I loved and admired is gone so I used it).

 

It was painful but it helped me to quickly accept that she was gone.

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Good day LS. When I left my ex about a year ago, I wasnt thinking about missing him....i just felt like I needed to remove myself from the relationship. I've struggled withforgetting about him. He was slightly possessive and/insecure but he showered me with attention and wanted me to have the comfort(s) of being "his woman"(as he put it)/ fiance.

 

Since I've reached the stage where I've stopped crying over missing him,i feel like I've created another mechanism, i.e. imagining he's still around...watching me. Have any of you ever had any similar feelings/thoughts of an ex? I realize that the dynamics of a relationship affect one's thoughts of the person once the relationship is over...

 

When I was getting over my exWW's cheating, and our subsequent breakup, I coped by diving into my work. Also, I really concentrated on caring for my young daughter. Thank God for her, because spending my evenings making sure she was fed and bathed and ready for school the next day kept my mind off my ex-wife and the pain I was feeling.

 

There is no easy way to cope. The pain is real and you can't escape it. I found that by giving into it and letting it process through me was the best way. I am not an emotional man, but I can tell you...that first year after she lefty I cried like a baby every night. I felt weak and useless, but you know what? I healed much more quickly than if I had tried to avoid the grief and let it stay bottled up.

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I sometimes imagine my X is calling me from blocked numbers and driving by my house....

 

Why? Because that's the type of stuff he does. His ego is too big to let it be known that he wants to see me (the woman who left him,when he'd always thought/said that no woman would EVER leave him.)

Edited by surferchic
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There is no easy way to cope. The pain is real and you can't escape it. I found that by giving into it and letting it process through me was the best way. I am not an emotional man, but I can tell you...that first year after she lefty I cried like a baby every night. I felt weak and useless, but you know what? I healed much more quickly than if I had tried to avoid the grief and let it stay bottled up.

Totally agree with this.

 

There's no short cut. I'm sure my ex is pretending I'm dead. And I'm sure he's found someone else but still accusing them of cheating or not being loyal. ..i.e. people like this suffer internally and in silence far longer than those of us who have actually grieved.

 

I've just never understsood why I ever missed him when I left him...for good reason.

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Heatemyheart89

I think about my ex everyday and I imagine his judgements of me in situations . He was so critical of me, it's been hard to get out of . I feel like he knows what I'm doing even though I doubt I will see him again.

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I sometimes imagine my X is calling me from blocked numbers and driving by my house....

 

Why? Because that's the type of stuff he does. His ego is too big to let it be known that he wants to see me (the woman who left him,when he'd always thought/said that no woman would EVER leave him.)

Stuff like this helped me too surferchic.

 

I think it helped me deal with one of the biggest reasons why I left him. His ego.

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Even while my ex and I were together he'd show up in his friend's car to throw me off and I wouldn't know it was him until he got out the car.

 

Since we broke up, he wanted me to keep things that would remind me of him. And he told me I'd always think about him no matter what.

 

I think most men jump into relationships or just sex to help them cope.

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I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle. On the one hand I'm using the good memories to give myself hope that one day I'll find someone again, someone I can love again, someone I can share my life with again. On the other hand, whenever I do that, it hurts more.

 

Work is a good distraction. But, I'm constantly thinking about her and the relationship when I'm at work. The thoughts are always there, just under the surface waiting to break through. As soon as I walk to my car and start driving, work fades away and my thoughts about my ex resurface.

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Interesting idea. I went in the opposite direction - I imagined that my ex was dead (in some ways, the woman who I loved and admired is gone so I used it).

 

It was painful but it helped me to quickly accept that she was gone.

This line of thinking is helping me lately. People on the forum have said similar things to this that have shaped how I'm currently coping and recovering.

 

Basically, the man I was once in love with is dead. He doesn't exist anymore. And frankly - I'm reaching a point in this frame of thought that if I saw him on the street with or without his current fiancée, I wouldn't acknowledge his existence with a hello. I'd glance at him like any other stranger on the street.

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respect everyone's coping mechanism, but realistically I cant pretend someone doesn't exist. I think for anyone to say that, whenever you DO actually see that ex you'll be caught off guard and obviously appear to be in shock because you simply didnt expect the vidual of that ex.

 

Hence, for you not to even speak will appear so immature and ignorant. But again,it depends on the nature /dynamics of each relationship while it existed.

 

Personally, I'd hope i have the sense and composure to speak and keep it moving rather than looking shocked. Ive wanted to move to another state to remove myself from the familiar and to avoid bumping into him again. Okus he knows where I live and I'm a little uncomfortable with that. .I havent moved yet.

 

Anyhoo, I know that one day I may bump into my ex but it's nothing I want.I'm praying to become indifferent in that scenario, but I dont think I'm there yet.

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This line of thinking is helping me lately. People on the forum have said similar things to this that have shaped how I'm currently coping and recovering.

 

Basically, the man I was once in love with is dead. He doesn't exist anymore. And frankly - I'm reaching a point in this frame of thought that if I saw him on the street with or without his current fiancée, I wouldn't acknowledge his existence with a hello. I'd glance at him like any other stranger on the street.

If you dont mind, could you share briefly why or how you and your ex broke up?

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@surferchic you sound so similar to me.

 

Yet, I can still understand how someone could be so angry ro the point of not even acknowledging their ex's presence... that's deep.

 

I too would love to hear under which circumstances do some of you determine to act as if your ex is dead...or just mot even speaking to them if you saw them out in close proximity to you. (Of course I'd never go out of my way to ealk over to an ex...but I'd speak depending on physical proximity and eye contact).

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I like to put a lot of distance between me and an ex. Physical. Like, I move to a different city/country so I don't have to run into them accidentally. That helps me tremendously, it's peace of mind.

 

I realize it's not a viable solution for most people, but that's how it's usually been for me. My main 3 exes all live in different countries as me :lmao:

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Hence, for you not to even speak will appear so immature and ignorant.

Not necessarily. If your ex lied and was a manipulator, you'd feel differently. My ex and I were in love and deeply connected for a number of years, but the way he handled the final year and the break-up was outrageous and bizarre. Not the actions of someone who loved someone else.

 

He is involved/engaged to someone right now --- our chapter together is closed and in that sense "we" are dead. He is not the person I was in love with. And I'm thankful to live in a large metropolitan area where the odds of bumping into him and his fiancée are low.

 

I don't owe him polite chit chat or any acknowledgement if I were to walk by him and his fiancée in the street. My conscious is clear because unlike him I was only ever honest to him. The same cannot be said about him.

 

If you dont mind, could you share briefly why or how you and your ex broke up?

We were in love and emotionally connected for 7 years, but my ex and I reached a point where we were just treading water. I thought at the very least we were very good friends because of how long we've known each other.

 

He didn't treat me like a friend. Around the time we stopped talking, he had already started dating someone else. He concealed the details and wanted to keep me in his life, but was dishonest about how far along he was with his current partner. He wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. When I realized this, he blocked me on FB and phone.

 

We are talking about coping mechanisms in this thread. He is living a new life with a new person. He is not the man I was once in love with at all. If I spent time thinking about him fondly, I'd never move on emotionally.

 

My mother has a feeling that one day he will reach out to me or unblock me on FB when curiosity gets the best of him. However, he blocked me from communicating with him, which is essentially a way of erasing someone from your life and pretending they don't exist.

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Totally agree with this.

 

There's no short cut. I'm sure my ex is pretending I'm dead. And I'm sure he's found someone else but still accusing them of cheating or not being loyal. ..i.e. people like this suffer internally and in silence far longer than those of us who have actually grieved.

 

I've just never understsood why I ever missed him when I left him...for good reason.

 

What i don't get is that they try to make you feel 'bad' for feeling upset at the end of it all.. Sociopaths!

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When i told my ex i wanted to leave him he was upset and tried convincing me to stay. He had his friends call me at work one morning even. I wish i never told him in advance. Hisactions became spiteful.

 

Although i was the dumper i dont consider myself the villain. I left him because of his possessiveness and always assuming the negative about me, when I think he himself was the one doing bad deeds. I despise that. Instead of doing a bunch of questioning and nagging in a relationship i just remove myself from it. I refuse to be that woman when my gut has already told me something. Im so serious. He never thought a woman woukd ever leave him or speak up to him the way i did, and that drove him crazy especially toward the end of our relationship. I saw a side of him i did not like one bit, drinking heavily amongst some otber things. He initially acted like he didnt drink, probably because he knew i didnt drink. i felt likehe was a conartist. Im just starting to really acknowledge that as a possibility. Before, I could barely handle my own feel8ngsof guilt for leaving him and jolting him and his comfort of having me as his emotional crutch.

 

Im Glad I left but i still misshim sometimes and that angers me. Why would i miss him...

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...he blocked me on FB and phone.

 

We are talking about coping mechanisms in this thread. He is living a new life with a new person. He is not the man I was once in love with at all. If I spent time thinking about him fondly, I'd never move on emotionally.

 

My mother has a feeling that one day he will reach out to me or unblock me on FB when curiosity gets the best of him. However, he blocked me from communicating with him, which is essentially a way of erasing someone from your life and pretending they don't exist.[/quoteS]

Thanks for sharing.

 

Sounds like he was ashamed of himself. He's a coward. Once he accepts you were too good for him and his screw up, you will have found a new love. Thats how it happens...

 

Crazy...

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...he blocked me on FB and phone.

 

We are talking about coping mechanisms in this thread. He is living a new life with a new person. He is not the man I was once in love with at all. If I spent time thinking about him fondly, I'd never move on emotionally.

 

My mother has a feeling that one day he will reach out to me or unblock me on FB when curiosity gets the best of him. However, he blocked me from communicating with him, which is essentially a way of erasing someone from your life and pretending they don't exist.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Sounds like he was ashamed of himself. He's a coward. Once he accepts you were too good for him and his screw up, you will have found a new love. Thats how it happens...

 

Crazy...

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Tolduso,

 

You made the right choice in walking away from your ex. Too many red flags.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Sounds like he was ashamed of himself. He's a coward. Once he accepts you were too good for him and his screw up, you will have found a new love. Thats how it happens...

 

Crazy...

Yes, he was very cowardly. It's too late for reconciliation. He has moved on and I am on a path to finding someone who is a better partner.

 

I do think one day, maybe even now, he will wonder about me. We spent a large chunk of time of our lives together.

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OP, when you say you imagine your ex is around watching you, does that more or less mean you think abstractly about his judgments etc. or do you literally insert him into day-to-day scenarios? The latter doesn't sound very healthy to me.

 

Also I'd caution on this 'play dead' stuff ....I guess if that works for you ok but there's a huge diff between playing dead and being dead, and if you ever find yourself on the other side of that fence you'll prob be shocked at the sensation of the reality vs the fantasy and how much guilt you might carry around as a result.

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Also I'd caution on this 'play dead' stuff ....I guess if that works for you ok but there's a huge diff between playing dead and being dead, and if you ever find yourself on the other side of that fence you'll prob be shocked at the sensation of the reality vs the fantasy and how much guilt you might carry around as a result.

I don't mean that I consider him dead in the literal sense. :p I know he's alive and kicking.

 

I should have clarified a bit more. What I mean is that his opinion, what he's doing in his life, etc don't matter to me anymore. All of those sentiments and worries I associated with my ex are dead to me as he has moved on in a hurtful and shocking way. If I saw him on the street with or without his fiancée, I'm just not curious enough to pretend we're chummy to find out how he's doing or to get tangled back up in his manipulations.

 

I've been employing many different types of coping methods. Originally, I was grieving and hurt and was imagining him having the time of life while I was still shell-shocked. A few people on here as well as family and friends have told me that is not the case at all, given everything I have told them about his present circumstance and partner.

 

I view our past relationship as a closed chapter. The person he is now with his fiancée is not the person I was in love with when we were together.

Edited by Bialy
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^ I gotcha. I've tried to do that before too, mainly just considering them gone away. And not just not present but no longer existing in that form, kinda like an adult replaces the child they were and the child in its 'pure' form no longer exists, even tho the person's still there.

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OP, when you say you imagine your ex is around watching you, does that more or less mean you think abstractly about his judgments etc. or do you literally insert him into day-to-day scenarios? The latter doesn't sound very healthy to me.

 

Thanks for your post.

 

Yeah, I think both the latter and the former are unhealthy. If I was imagining him judging me that's like he was so emotionally abusive that I'm still thinking about his judgement. No, thats definitely not what i meant. Nor did i mean the last way you described.

 

By imagining him watching me ,I'm only referring to when I come home some evenings and in passing while driving. He switches cars and used to show up in different vehicles.i wouldnt know it was him until he'd open his door when picking me up or neeting me somewhere. I dont think he's stalking me but I'm almost sure he's seen me when I havent seen him. I have the same vehicle I've always had when with him. But he's switched vehicles since our breakup. He came to see me a few times where I currently live. And i didn't recognizethe vehicle until he put his car window down...

 

I will say that I feel like I've thought of him often as I carry on with my daily tasks because we did so much together. Maybe thats still unhealthy,but thats more of what I'm referring to.

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