ex broke no contact - respond or not?

[evanop]

My boyfriend and me were together for 8 months. Our relationship was wonderful. We were a great match, and just have amazing chemistry. From the very beginning, things just were so right and we became each others best friends and partner. We have had our fair share of long distance in our relationship. He was going to move to be with me and never had his reservations about it.

 

We have been apart for a few weeks again and last week he started being strange. He told me he felt as if he was not ready to make a commitment, that he needs to explore more, find himself, date other people, etc.

He changed his mind again an hour later, and that went back and forth for the next day. Then two days later he said he wanted to break up, then a break, first two weeks, then one week. The next day I woke up to a text, saying he thinks about me all the time and misses me already and loves me so much, that he really just wants to be with me. I accepted and he said he was 100% sure. Now, 5 days later, he texted me that he never loved someone as much as me, and never felt so close to someone, and that he thinks about me all the time and apologized for having been weird lately, that he just needed to think about his life a lot.

 

Later that day, he called me and said he definitely wanted to end it. He said again that he just can't make the commitment right now. I never thought this would be something he'd say, as he always appeared to be strong footed, knowing what he wanted. Now he seems so confused. He mentioned that he was scared we'd be together for 5 years or so, then he'd be thinking "what if"...

He has been having a lot of identity issues lately, trying to find out what he wants to do with his life, and he's not been very happy. In all of this, I have been his only constant, his only confidante. He doesn't have any close friends except his brother, and I was his support system. Later he said that he just needs to be single for a while but wants to find out if we are meant to be together. He then said he wants to come visit me in two months and see where it goes. I told him that I won't be a doormat and don't want contact during his uncalled for self-finding trip. I tried to be calm. He keeps texting and mailing me, despite me having deleted him from facebook. He still has our pictures up and it says 'in a relationship'. Most of my family and friends think he will probably come to his senses, he just is confused. I don't know if that's true, because I am still having a hard time understanding where this attitude is coming from.

He also recently visited his dad, who is known to put a lot of pressure on him in terms of what he should do with his life. I am afraid he may have had something to say in all of this.

 

Although I decided to not contact him in any way, he keeps texting me, saying he "doesn't want me out of his life", and he "loves me and thinks about me non stop"... but also keeps reiterating that he "thinks he made the decision". I tend to not respond. What should I do?

Just this morning I woke up to an email from him asking me about some appointment he had today, told me how amazing I am, blabla. I can't take it anymore.

 

I love him very much, but I am very distraught by his behavior.

 

I apologize for all I have written. Hope someone has some advice.

[Arieswoman]

evanop,

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Your bf is disrespecting you, treating you cruelly and basically needs to either $h!£ or get off the pot. And he's doing it because you let him.

I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't another women involved - sorry

 

I think it's time you took charge of the situation. You need to protect your self-respect, your self-esteem and your heart.

 

Tell him you're not at his beck & call and he can go run up a shutter.

 

Then block/delete/change your number, whatever.

 

Go 100% no contact and remove him from your life.

 

You don't need a guy who isn't 100% into you, so get rid of this waste of space and move on to one who does.

 

I'm sorry x

[Buddhist]

Although I decided to not contact him in any way, he keeps texting me, saying he "doesn't want me out of his life", and he "loves me and thinks about me non stop"... but also keeps reiterating that he "thinks he made the decision". I tend to not respond. What should I do?

 

I love him very much, but I am very distraught by his behavior.

 

He's being selfish. If he can't commit to you he needs to let you go so you can heal and find someone who can. That won't happen while he's sending you love notes via text and telling you he can't commit to you. Believe the can't commit part, the rest is just his selfishness in wanting you to hang around and be his support system while he looks for someone else. Believe me, once he finds her you will be dropped like a hot potato. It will be 'thanks for coming, I'm fine now, see ya!'.

 

Don't be his support if he's not offering you a relationship, it will only end up in tears for you. If he needs to date around and find himself by sleeping with whoever, you don't need to be a witness to it.

[evanop]

Today he changed his relationship status to 'single'.

 

Then he emailed me again today, basically informing me that he wants to still move to live here where I live but won't do so until December.

He still has our photos up on FB. I blocked him today. Just sucks, he has everything public, so I can see what he is doing.

 

I am freaking out. I love him so much. I just don't understand why he is making this decision. We were so great together. I mean, I understand his life is ****ty right now, but I was the only good thing he had going for him, so this does not make any sense.

 

If I could understand why he made this decision, then maybe it would be easier.

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't another women involved - sorry

 

 

I find that hard to believe. He really does not have much going for him right now, gained a lot of weight and is living off of ramen noodles.

I feel bad for him though. I wanted to be there for him and help him through these hard times in his life. He would not let me.

[marky00]

. We were so great together. I mean, I understand his life is ****ty right now, but I was the only good thing he had going for him, so this does not make any sense.

 

If I could understand why he made this decision, then maybe it would be easier.

 

 

That may be your answer. It's possible you met him when he was at a low point for himself. You helped him pick himself up and once he was all hunky dory and back to his best, he re-assessed the relationship.

 

It's happened to me a couple of times as well.

 

So that might be the lesson for you here.

[evanop]

That may be your answer. It's possible you met him when he was at a low point for himself. You helped him pick himself up and once he was all hunky dory and back to his best, he re-assessed the relationship.

 

It's happened to me a couple of times as well.

 

So that might be the lesson for you here.

 

He was very close to being where he wanted to be. I just don't udnerstand why he gives up now.

He had this bright future ahead, doing what he wants in a place he really liked. now he is back where he ran away from and working a ****ty job and doesn't have time for his art. I just feel terrible about it, for his sake also.

I have a feeling he will soon come to the realization that he made a mistake.

[whatnot]

He was very close to being where he wanted to be.

I have a feeling he will soon come to the realization that he made a mistake.

He's being who he was before you met him. Sorry....

 

Good luck.

[aloneinaz]

Get mad at YOURSELF here. Ask yourself WHY you want someone who doesn't want you. As a guy I'll tell you when I really like a gal I'm with, NOTHING would cause me to push her away, NOTHING! The only time I was in a relationship and ended it due to stress and life crap was when I simply wasn't into her. She was great, did nothing wrong but she just didn't float my boat.

 

At this point you need to find your pride and self worth. People should NEVER covet and want someone who doesn't want them. This guy is simply playing games with you to stroke his low self esteem and keep you on the hook.

 

Don't provide that to him. Vanish from this guys life. He's already broke up with you once and won't change. Wrap you mind around the fact that it's over and you need to find someone who has there $hit together and will make you a huge priority in their life.

[evanop]

Get mad at YOURSELF here. Ask yourself WHY you want someone who doesn't want you. As a guy I'll tell you when I really like a gal I'm with, NOTHING would cause me to push her away, NOTHING! The only time I was in a relationship and ended it due to stress and life crap was when I simply wasn't into her. She was great, did nothing wrong but she just didn't float my boat.

 

At this point you need to find your pride and self worth. People should NEVER covet and want someone who doesn't want them. This guy is simply playing games with you to stroke his low self esteem and keep you on the hook.

 

Don't provide that to him. Vanish from this guys life. He's already broke up with you once and won't change. Wrap you mind around the fact that it's over and you need to find someone who has there $hit together and will make you a huge priority in their life.

 

The weird thing is that our relationship was really great. And he was giving me everything I needed, I was super happy. He was always there for me, I was always there for him. And he loved me like crazy, often I felt like he was more into me than I was into him, and I had some doubts throughout the first few months of our relationship, until I realized he was the one.

 

I was with a guy 7 years ago who did break up with me for the same reason and later wanted to get back together, we got back together after a month and although I ended it almost a year later, he managed to figure his **** out and we were happy together (for the most part).

But I was really young back then.

 

Anyway, point is, why would he cry on the phone and tell me how much he loves me and how confused he is when he didn't love me?

 

My last boyfriend and me broke up 2 years ago and I could tell he was not really into me anymore. But it is different with this one.

[marky00]

Get mad at YOURSELF here. Ask yourself WHY you want someone who doesn't want you. As a guy I'll tell you when I really like a gal I'm with, NOTHING would cause me to push her away, NOTHING! The only time I was in a relationship and ended it due to stress and life crap was when I simply wasn't into her. She was great, did nothing wrong but she just didn't float my boat.

 

.

 

Agreed but.

 

 

Sometimes the issue is that stoic stance can come across as being needy (depending on the partner involved).

 

 

I agree that pushing away someone you love is plain silly but what can happen is that when it comes to defending yourself, you my not do it correctly because your stuck in the mode of NEVER PUSHING HER AWAY.

[aloneinaz]

The weird thing is that our relationship was really great. And he was giving me everything I needed, I was super happy. He was always there for me, I was always there for him. And he loved me like crazy, often I felt like he was more into me than I was into him, and I had some doubts throughout the first few months of our relationship, until I realized he was the one.

 

Maybe the honeymoon phase ended for him and he simply wanted to move a different direction? There could be a lot of different reasons that led him to that decision. The bottom line is he ended it and is not telling you (despite his crying) that he wants you back in his life right now. His words are saying one thing but his actions are saying another.

 

I was with a guy 7 years ago who did break up with me for the same reason and later wanted to get back together, we got back together after a month and although I ended it almost a year later, he managed to figure his **** out and we were happy together (for the most part).

But I was really young back then.

 

And this happens 99% of the time when people reconcile.

 

 

My last boyfriend and me broke up 2 years ago and I could tell he was not really into me anymore. But it is different with this one.

 

Let's stick with the hard facts. He isn't blowing your phone up, begging for you to get back together with him. He's using you as his emotional tampon. He's getting attention from you and it strokes his ego.

 

What you should do is block him on your phone and on social media and divert his emails into your trash folder so you don't see them. Provide him w/dead silence in return. Stop engaging with him as it's holding you back from healing from it so you can move on to a new R/S.

 

If he REALLY wants you back in his life, he'll come beating down your door to let you know. One of my last ex's ended us. I vanished and she never heard from me again. I didn't block her on anything as i didn't expect I'd ever hear from her again. I NEVER contacted her after we ended. 6 months later she started texting, then she started emailing. I ignored her attempts to reach me. She then came over to my place and knocked on the door, trying to get me to talk to her as she wanted me back. I didn't answer it. I finally replied to her via email "no thanks".

 

That's my point. When an ex wants you back, they are REALLY obvious about it. Go silent, plan on moving on with your life. If he comes back telling you he wants another shot, then you have a decision to make. If a few months have past, I doubt you'd consider it.

[marky00]

 

If he REALLY wants you back in his life, he'll come beating down your door to let you know. One of my last ex's ended us. I vanished and she never heard from me again. I didn't block her on anything as i didn't expect I'd ever hear from her again. I NEVER contacted her after we ended. 6 months later she started texting, then she started emailing. I ignored her attempts to reach me. She then came over to my place and knocked on the door, trying to get me to talk to her as she wanted me back. I didn't answer it. I finally replied to her via email "no thanks".

 

Was that the Ex who brought u here to this site in 2013?

Edited September 29, 2016 by marky00

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your breakup. I hope both you and your ex will figure out where you’re really at regarding your relationship soon. Hugs!

[evanop]

he emailed me yesterday that he cries all the time and is hurting so much. That he can't foresee the future but feels like he really needs to fight on his own for a while, trying to get his business going. And then kept on telling me how much he loves me and misses me and I am always on his mind and he cries so much.

 

He basically seeks contact every day since the break up and it hurts so much not to be able to answer. But I know the best thing I can do is be no contact.

 

I Know he is not happier now. His decision must have been influenced by his father. He saw him one day before he broke it off. I can already imagine how his dad told him to go his own way and be a man and don't jump into a relationship without having figured his life out.

 

Urgh I am so angry at his dad. But I think there really is nothing I can do but do my own thing.

I miss him like crazy though.

 

He thought he can break up and then drag me along, like a "break" more than a breakup, but no way.

I am better than that.

Edited September 29, 2016 by evanop

[DarrenB]

I’m sorry about your breakup. I hope both you and your ex will figure out where you’re really at regarding your relationship soon. Hugs!

 

Wow. Cherish this post. It's very rare you see a post on here that supports both you and the ex

 

Good luck either way Evanop. I'm sure things will turn out well, regardless of the outcome in the end.

[lolablue17]

He is being very childish and selfish. Oh, come on Mr "It's all about me"... People have many doubts and dilemmas about their relationship. But a grown up would have known he mustn't drag it, and certainly knows he shouldn't have shared it with you. He must come to a decision quickly, and stick to his decision, what ever it is.

 

Just protect yourself. Call him now and make him to realize what has he done, and to take responsibility for his actions. He ruined with his own hands a relationship with you, and now it's done\terminated.

 

Tell him that he lost you, and ask him to never contact you again, not by mail, facebook, phone.. Nothing! Not when he is sad, not happy. You are not interested to know or to hear anything about him. He is yesterday's news. He is not a part of your life anymore, he chose not to be, so you respect his choice, and you're moving forward with your life without him. And then hang up saying goodbye.

 

Remember and tell him- The call is not for him to talk about himself. This is no conversation - The call is to make a short and simple announcement.

Edited September 29, 2016 by lolablue17

[aloneinaz]

he emailed me yesterday that he cries all the time and is hurting so much. That he can't foresee the future but feels like he really needs to fight on his own for a while, trying to get his business going. And then kept on telling me how much he loves me and misses me and I am always on his mind and he cries so much.

 

Oh brother.. What is this guy, 12? What a drama queen. Just the fact that he's acting like a baby should turn you off and help you recognize he's got way too much baggage.

 

He basically seeks contact every day since the break up and it hurts so much not to be able to answer. But I know the best thing I can do is be no contact.

 

How selfish and self centered is this guy? You're NOT his GF anymore, he doesn't want to date now yet he wants to use you for attention and emotional support.

 

 

He thought he can break up and then drag me along, like a "break" more than a breakup, but no way.

I am better than that.

 

Love it! I'm glad you're seeing your self worth and value while NOT allowing anyone to play you a fool! I'll say it again, as a guy, when things are not going well for me, I LEAN ON MY gal for her support and love to help me navigate through it.

 

You know what this guy deserves? You turning the tables on him. Consider replying to his latest BS, drama filled and childish email. Say something like "Hey John, I'm dating someone new now and would ask that you STOP contacting me. I wish you luck in the future. Take care".. Then block his emails..

 

Seriously, you need to ignore him, period. Then REALLY ask yourself is this really someone that you want to date further? Anytime life gets hard he's going to push you away and yet contact you crying like a baby, telling you how much he misses you? A REAL man doesn't do what he's doing. If he ends a relationship, he stops all contact to let the woman heal from it so she can move on.

[evanop]

(see my latest post for short backstory, or just continue reading)

 

Boyfriend broke it off on Monday via phone (we just started our second LDR with the aim of him coming back in 2 months)... He kept wanting to be in touch for the first few days after the break, but I never replied to his messages. I just wanted to do the NC thing. His messages included "I am thinking of you nonstop" or "I love you so much" and "You are amazing" and "This is so hard".

 

Then, out of nowhere, he got a card from me in the mail. Unfortunately I wrote this card 1,5 weeks ago, when things were still ok, and when he was struggling with his work, to remind him of how much he means to me.

 

I totally forgot about it, and I was already a day on NC and then he got the card. He wrote me this:

 

"Evanop, thank you for the card. I immediately started crying when I read it. I really do love you so much, and miss you so much. I just feel like I need to be self sufficient for a while and build myself up. I really don't want us to be out of each other's lives permanently. I think you're amazing and I always want to be a part of your life, one way or another. I just want you to know that. Ive been crying a lot. This has been insanely hard. I do think it's for the best. Who knows what will happen, but I do know I need to build myself up and focus on me for a while. I really hope you understand how I feel. If you ever need to talk, I'm here"

 

I did not want to respond, but I didn't want him to think I literally sent him a loving card that says how much I love him after the breakup.

 

So I only replied:

"the card was sent last week, when things were different. things have changed".

 

He replied "Ok... well, I just wanted you to know then that I appreciated it"

 

This was the last time I heard from him. I kept the no contact since. I think he finally understood that I don't want to be a doormat.

 

It's been 3 days without contact and yet I feel not good about this incident.

 

Do you think the card was a setback? I can really imagine how he is sitting there crying (he is super sensitive), and all confused about his life. I feel bad for him, but I also am angry at him for putting me through this. He has a lot of stuff to figure out, and I told him when we broke up that I want him to just figure it all out, but would rather not be there while it happens.

 

Again, his reasons for the break up were that he needs to be focusing on building his business. He was to move to be with me (across the Ocean), but he was fearing to not get his visa and felt really overwhelmed, as his business wasn't happening the way he hoped it would. He thinks he needs to work more on it before he can make the move (but still wants to come back in 2-3 months and see me then).

 

I will keep NC, but I am scared he will forget about me. I do think we deserve a second chance, because we had a very loving, strong relationship, lots of chemistry, similar values and interests and caring for one another.

This just all seems so uncalled for.

 

My mother thinks he may have this 'grass is greener' syndrome or 'quarter life crisis', where is just trying to find out if this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life, combined with the struggles he goes trough with his career dream and this huge move. A stressed, overwhelming moment for him...

 

Part of me hopes that him realizing I wrote this card during a time where he was especially stressed, made him perhaps miss me. I don't know.

 

Thoughts?

[marky00]

Im about day 50 NC. Very tough.

 

 

I think your sms was good. Leave it there. In a way, you showed him you respect yourself by stating the card was sent prior to the breakup. Well done.

 

 

If you can be STRONG and leave it as is, honestly you would be one of very few to perform this well as a dumpee.

 

 

Don't read into his message too much. The reasons they give are never accurate. My Ex said something about wanting to be IN HER WORLD or something similar but as it turned out she met someone else.

 

 

Honestly, that card was always going to be an issue. You handled as well as you could have.

[evanop]

(please check my last two threads for backstory, i feel it is important)

 

My ex contacted me via whatsapp, facebook and email today and tried to call me several times. he wrote me that he thinks he made a mistake and wants me back, but also wrote he thinks i don't want him back now after all he did.

 

we were 3 days no contact. what should i do?

 

i kind of don't want to respond. i am still angry at him and i want some space now. but i also feel bad for him. i still love him, but i am afraid he is still confused and will change his mind again in the future.

[spiderowl]

he emailed me yesterday that he cries all the time and is hurting so much. That he can't foresee the future but feels like he really needs to fight on his own for a while, trying to get his business going. And then kept on telling me how much he loves me and misses me and I am always on his mind and he cries so much.

 

He basically seeks contact every day since the break up and it hurts so much not to be able to answer. But I know the best thing I can do is be no contact.

 

I Know he is not happier now. His decision must have been influenced by his father. He saw him one day before he broke it off. I can already imagine how his dad told him to go his own way and be a man and don't jump into a relationship without having figured his life out.

 

Urgh I am so angry at his dad. But I think there really is nothing I can do but do my own thing.

I miss him like crazy though.

 

He thought he can break up and then drag me along, like a "break" more than a breakup, but no way.

I am better than that.

 

The problem is that just because someone is unsure they want to commit themselves to a relationship for the future, doesn't mean they will not miss you if you break up. Of course he misses you and is hurting. You are hurting too. The difference is that he feels the need for a break. He is learning that he can't have you AND a break. It is a lesson for him.

 

I suspect another girl has come along that he is attracted to but who he hasn't taken it further with. Now he is faced with the prospect of having to make a commitment to you (by moving to be with you), all these things are confusing him. The essence of it though is that he would not be having doubts if you were the one for him. He would know.

[dumbass2]

wow, this guy is using you like a yo yo and being totally unfair to you. He broke up with you and now he's doing this to you? He knows how you feel and if he really felt the same, then he'd be sure about everything. I have a feeling this is going to go back and forth for a while longer until he just stops contacting all together and then you will be really hurting. He's not done being hot and then cold. No one can tell you what to do, so use your past experience and try to make the best decisions for YOU. It's easy for us to say block and move on, but we can sense where you are at with this. You know what you want, but you can't force someone to feel and act the same.

[Frank13]

(please check my last two threads for backstory, i feel it is important)

 

My ex contacted me via whatsapp, facebook and email today and tried to call me several times. he wrote me that he thinks he made a mistake and wants me back, but also wrote he thinks i don't want him back now after all he did.

 

we were 3 days no contact. what should i do?

 

i kind of don't want to respond. i am still angry at him and i want some space now. but i also feel bad for him. i still love him, but i am afraid he is still confused and will change his mind again in the future.

 

Oh for God's sake this isn't rocket science. He is a commitment phobe. The thing with them is not only can't they commit to a relationship, they can't commit to ending it either and this is exactly what you are seeing. You will never win this. As long as you are available he wants out. Once you are gone and in his mind he isn't committed he wants you back. There is no fix for this. It will go back and forth forever. Do some research on commitment phobes and you will be amazed how the stories you read about other people involved with a commitment phobe seem exactly like yours.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Frank13

[evanop]

Oh for God's sake this isn't rocket science. He is a commitment phobe. The thing with them is not only can't they commit to a relationship, they can't commit to ending it either and this is exactly what you are seeing. You will never win this. As long as you are available he wants out. Once you are gone and in his mind he isn't committed he wants you back. There is no fix for this. It will go back and forth forever. Do some research on commitment phobes and you will be amazed how the stories you read about other people involved with a commitment phobe seem exactly like yours.

 

You are probably right. But I feel that this has maybe to do also with his age. He is only 24 and this is his first real serious relationship that seems to be going somewhere meaningful (in the past, he's been unhappy with the women he was with, they were either a bad match or treated him poorly, his father and brother told me so too). GIGS?

[evanop]

I suspect another girl has come along that he is attracted to but who he hasn't taken it further with. Now he is faced with the prospect of having to make a commitment to you (by moving to be with you), all these things are confusing him. The essence of it though is that he would not be having doubts if you were the one for him. He would know.

 

I can't fathom that he met another girl. He's not in his best shape right now, and he's working all the time. If he really met a new girl, it must have been within 1 week, and I find it difficult to believe he'd fall for a girl in one week after our very deeply connected relationship of 8 months. He's not the type for that. And if he is, then I was super wrong about him and I don't think I want to be with him anymore or take him back.