No contact against me by ex - I'm feeling offended.

[dangerous]

While I understand the benefit of No Contact it seems to me mainly of use when the break up is unbalanced (when one of the parties wants to break and the other isn't as ready)?

But when both parties are in agreement, then is NC relevant?

 

I ask this, as after a mutually agreed breakup with my ex GF, she has gone NC with me despite us agreeing we'd remain as friends.

 

She's disconnected me from Facebook and also removed me from several group social events that she recently invited me too. All without warning.

 

I feel hurt and offended and frankly I'd like to tell her how hurtful I found it. Btw I confirm I do not want to get back with her.

 

There is the added complication that I am likely to bump into her at some group social events next month and I'd hate to either ignore her or pretend everything between us is all happiness.

 

Opinions and experiences would be appreciated.

Thank you.

[cucumber95]

Maybe she just told you that because that is what you wanted to hear? Maybe she is confused about breaking up (not sure if she wanted it or not?).

 

It hurts being blocked, removed but this happend to me last month, ex-gf just after breakup removed all pictures on facebook/instagram, blocked me everywhere (whatsapp, skype, facebook, etc..), and she broke by text, and I wanted to break up on good note o_O, I know what it feels like

 

You need to forget about that, it looks like she doesn't want to be friends, and that is painful but well it's her decision.

[266696687]

You need to let this one go I'm afraid. She isn't doing it to hurt you she's doing it to move on. You unfortunately have no say in her life (you broke up) you're not entitled to be on her social media or invited places. You are her ex not her boyfriend and you are being treated as such. You really shouldn't be offended. The chances of you being 'friends' immediately after breakup is unrealistic she need time to process, heal and move on from you and you need the same. Use this time to get on with your life and do other things. That is what she is doing.

 

If she wants to get in touch to resume the friendship at some point months or years from now she will get in touch.

[dangerous]

Both good advice And thanks for the clarity.

I agree it's HER way of dealing with things and I ought to respect that.

[spiderowl]

Blocking is not neutral, it's an action. Actions stem from strong feelings. She was probably more hurt than she thought about the whole thing. This is her way of coping.

[Satu]

Here's a poem for you:

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

- Arthur Symons, “After Love,”

 

 

Take care.

[dangerous]

The strange thing is that she drove all this. She dumped me brutally two months ago then after me chasing her persistently, we gave it another try. After a month of being together she again told me shr wasn't happy. By that time I had come to terms that it was all on her rules and I wasn't happy with that. This time I volunteered that we should break up and she said yes. She was the one who said lets be friends. But the next day she did all this.

I suspect she's hurting but she was never one who would make the effort to make up, she will expect me to do all the running. That's why the relationship was doomed in the first place.

I realise we aren't right together as lovers. She said she didn't want me and that's why I walked. I'm just sad that we can't be friends.

 

I admit I am lonely but the answer is to make new friends not regret over old relationships...

 

But I would still like to reach out to her to ask why she's upset when she was the one who wanted this and whether I said somethings unintentionally that hurt her. I hate to leave things on a bad footing if it's not necessary. Maybe I'm being to idealist?

[Blanco]

It's unrealistic and unfair to expect someone you just ended a romantic relationship with to immediately transition seamlessly into a friendship.

[dangerous]

Hi Blanco,

But that's my point: I didn't end it. She did and then we did.

Is there any difference?

[dangerous]

I'm still feeling this urge to CONTACT her as a friend. I accept we are over as lovers, and she hurt me, for her own selfish reasons. BUT the fact that she has gone NC with me, means she is hurting. Maybe we can talk and there was something I can say to reassure her. I'd still like her as a friend, rather than nothing. She may not even want to talk, but at least if I try, I will feel better, and maybe achieve my own version of closure. I don't see this will harm me... or will it?..

 

 

Sorry to ask, but can I have some opinions and encouragement either way? Thanks, and sorry, I'm feeling low this morning.

[Offspring]

It sounds like you'd be contacting her to make yourself "feel" better. She has blocked you etc. to purge and move on, regardless of how much she is hurting, and I'd say a lot. She is trying to regain control of her life. If she isn't feeling good, it is no longer any of your concern. It would be healthier for her to talk to somebody outside of your relationship / friendship. You contacting her might send her confusing messages (I read your other thread and am aware of the situation).

[dangerous]

Offspring, you are right. It would be to make me feel better. But I wonder if it will. Basically, I'm lonely, and miss her company. I know it will be healthier for me to replace the void she left, with new people and experiences, and I'm working on that. I just have that feeling that there is a little more I can do to close the issues with my ex.

But I think that it's probably not my place to make the contact. Maybe if she really needs it or wants it, she will contact me, and that may or may not happen.

I think the dilemma I am going through right now, is we both ended it this time, mutually, so I feel bad that we can't just try to be friends, and I would have liked to try that...

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe there's someone else in the picture and she doesn't want you finding out via social media.

 

Don't contact her. She knows where you are if she wants to get in touch. Most of the time, exes can't really remain friends after a break-up. Even if it was mutual, it's still usually awkward and not the best idea.

[elaine567]

The strange thing is that she drove all this. She dumped me brutally two months ago then after me chasing her persistently, we gave it another try.

 

I guess she is done, and she wants to make a clean break this time.

Leave her be.

 

Few manage the transition from being lovers to true friends after a break up as one usually wants more, and that becomes very awkward for the one who just wants to move on with their life.

I don't know about her true feelings she could be heart broken, she could be relieved, who knows?, but you are still far too invested in her to become her "friend" at this moment in time.

 

I know it will be healthier for me to replace the void she left, with new people and experiences

1000X yes.

[dangerous]

I know that everything said here is good advice. BUT..

Whilst I realise SHE needs to get over herself, and her way of dealing at the moment is NC, I keep returning to my feeling that life's too short. Why shouldn't I reach out and offer friendship?

 

 

I want to put things to rest. It is such a shame that we can't talk about things and accept we are not ready for love, but we could still be friends.

 

 

If she rejects it, then fair enough, no more contact.

 

 

Of course I want to contact her, and hoping someone will agree with me, but if possible I'd really appreciate some more reminders/advice from you good people...

[stillafool]

I know that everything said here is good advice. BUT..

Whilst I realise SHE needs to get over herself, and her way of dealing at the moment is NC, I keep returning to my feeling that life's too short. Why shouldn't I reach out and offer friendship?

 

 

Because she doesn't want to be your friend. Normally when people break up they go NC so they as well as you can heal and move on. She is trying to move on and a friendship between you two is unrealistic at this point. If you are now her friend would you be okay meeting and getting to know a new guy she's dating? Well that what a friend would experience and you aren't ready for that yet, are you? When you see her out just say hello and keep it moving.

[dangerous]

I couldn't edit my last post but after thinking I wanted to add:

 

 

Of course I want to contact her, and I'm hoping someone will agree with me, and validate my thinking... but I probably just need to hold on, and remain stoic. It probably will hinder my recovery and hurt me more ...

 

 

And I don't think there is any chance she will date for a while. She has loads to work out alone first. I just hate that she thinks badly of me, even when we agreed to split mutually.

[Bialy]

Why shouldn't I reach out and offer friendship?.

You already did and she has decided she does not want to entertain friendship at this time. Hence, she blocked you.

 

Life is short. I know where you are coming from. I wanted friendship with my ex and he blocked me as well a month ago.

 

Don't reach out pleading for friendship. It's done. Things are still raw. Maybe in a couple years or so she will be open to the idea.

[Bialy]

Think about it this way:

 

Why would you even want a friendship with someone who would block you to begin with? Someone who didn't even give you a heads up that they were going to block you?

 

Thinking about it that way has helped me in the aftermath of my break-up.

[BlueIris]

...

There is the added complication that I am likely to bump into her at some group social events next month and I'd hate to either ignore her or pretend everything between us is all happiness.

 

Opinions and experiences would be appreciated.

Thank you.

 

NC is for self-healing, for processing, moving on. She’s doing what’s best for her so don’t be offended. If you do see her at an event, just smile but don't approach. Maybe in a year or three you'll both have healed and there won't be any discomfort. Give it lots of time.

[Blanco]

You're only thinking about what you want. You want her "friendship" because you're lonely; because you can't stand the possibility that she might think badly of you.

 

You aren't going to get validation for your thinking because your thinking is incredibly selfish.

[Blanco]

And I don't think there is any chance she will date for a while. She has loads to work out alone first. I just hate that she thinks badly of me, even when we agreed to split mutually.

 

lol since when has someone having internal stuff they need to work on prevented them from dating. If anything, I think that makes the average person more likely to date. Better to shift focus to someone new than tackle potentially lofty, uncomfortable issues with one's self.

 

I remember after I ended my last relationship, I was convinced she wouldn't be in a relationship for a while. Took her about two months.

[elaine567]

lol since when has someone having internal stuff they need to work on prevented them from dating. If anything, I think that makes the average person more likely to date. Better to shift focus to someone new than tackle potentially lofty, uncomfortable issues with one's self.

 

I remember after I ended my last relationship, I was convinced she wouldn't be in a relationship for a while. Took her about two months.

 

No-one wants to be seen to be alone and lonely, so when someone expresses an interest, it is so easy to take them up on it and before they know it they are dating again.

[Kelley]

I think there were good intentions to start with, then maybe the hurt took a hold and she just had to go NC to move on. I regret not going NC when my b/f broke up with me. It hurt for 3 months being a friend, and I didn't move on I lived in hope, to then find out he has a new girlfriend and he is moving on was devastating. I'm going NC now to heal and move on. You have to respect she has done this for her own emotional wellbeing. Not to hurt you, just to move on. Everyone handles break-up's differently, you just have to respect her decision. Take care.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Don't be offended, get positive and get glad!

She got what she wanted, so go out and don't be sad!