Your cheating ex moving on while you still dwell on the past

[Nox]

First off, I'm really sorry if a similar thread exists, I didn't know how nor where to look for it.

 

 

The Coping subforum is filled with situations that suck, but this one is kinda particular. I concieved this as some sort of support or just a venting thread for all of us who have been cheated on and then replaced with the person with whom they were cheating.

 

What are your experiences? If it's happening to you now, how are you dealing with it? How bad is it?

 

 

I got inspired to create this thread because it's currently happening to me (i.e. to my ex)

He cheated on me for months before we broke up. So here I am, still suffering from a rather fresh break up, while he's in a relationship that could be even considered as serious in a couple of months. I just feel so dumb!!!

 

I was miserable with him during those months, and due to some other circumstances in our lives we weren't particularly happy for a while before he started cheating. I even sensed that there was someone else, I asked him about it repeatedly and he claimed there was nobody else. Even while breaking up he kept saying how there was nobody else - I only found out about it a week after the break up, when I told him to stop texting me and to end all contact. He then unlocked some of the stuff on his Facebook profile and it showed he had been with her for the last 4 or 5 months of our relationship.

 

I decided to trust him when he was saying that there was nobody else because I thought to myself - if we're gonna get married (we planned on doing so) then we must learn to trust each other. That's also why I decided to stick to him and support him fully even though I felt bad. I thought no loyal partner should turn their back on the other person just because things are not great at the moment.

We were together for a bit over 3 years if you ask me (and probably a bit less than 3 years if you ask him ) and I really thought it would be immature to leave just because we're not in a honeymoon stage in our relationship.

Guess he never looked at it that way.

 

And now I still feel shattered from what happened... Had some flirts but no new relationship, haven't even kissed anyone new since we broke up. And yesterday I thought to myself that I wouldn't even be surprised to hear that he got married to her.

If that happens I hope I'll at least get over him fully before that and have a new boyfriend, even if it's not that serious.

 

I know this is not a competition and deep down it doesn't matter where he is and what is going on in his life, but it still sucks incredibly to feel replaced.

[Bialy]

That's awful! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. A lot of people will do that. They will date and test the waters with someone new and won't admit to seeing anyone until AFTER they are on firm ground with the new person.

 

This leaves you completely shell-shocked and grieving and at ground zero while the other person has had time to not only get over the past relationship, but to be settled in a new one.

 

It SUCKS! And it's ****ty.

 

That's what I'm going through. My ex and I were estranged for a few months and he would say he is not seeing anyone. It turns out he had been steadily developing the relationship with the person and they are now living together, have a mortgage together, and he proposed two weeks ago.

 

I learned all of this in a short time span.

 

While I know he is NOT the man for me, these past 2-3 months have not been easy. I'm still digesting and processing this. I have GOOD days and then I have days where I get bogged down with thoughts of how unstable and impulsive he is.

 

I'm coming to terms that I can't even consider him a friend. A friend is someone who wouldn't do this at all - they'd care about the other person enough to let them know and not leave them blind-sighted.

[Bialy]

And you're dead-on. Even though it's NOT a competition, I too wish I had someone new in my life.

 

Someone DIFFERENT than my ex and someone who I can build something with.

[Arieswoman]

Nox,

I am sorry you are hurting like this, and I really feel for you

 

If you feel that you are being replaced please try this from Baggage Reclaim;

 

Search Results being replaced

[Nox]

Wow, thanks for the links Arieswoman, and overall it's a great website

 

Bialy, your post feels almost like I wrote it myself. Oh, the joy.

I'm so sorry to hear about other people going through this, but in a way it's a relief to know I'm not alone.

[SixxChick]

I'm not alone.

 

No, you are not.

 

It's hard enough to get over a breakup, but to be replaced so fast sucks.

 

The only consolation I have is, good luck to the new shiny toy. Because chances are, she'll be on this forum some day lamenting about the same dysfunction.

[Nox]

Yesterday I found out his new gf is pregnant.

 

A couple of days ago I had this feeling that they'll get married soon (same old intuition that I ignored for months) - so I am not really that shocked. Didn't have a feeling they'll get a kid so soon, but I did sense some sort of "next level" of their relationship, obviously.

 

Is it bad of me to wish him to become miserable and unhappy with his life choices? I wish no harm to the kid of course.

I just hope my ex feels emotionally (romantically) empty. I hope the lack of me in his life starts hurting him.

 

Had I been told a year ago that my ex will be a father soon, I'd figure I would be the one who was getting pregnant. Ugh, I feel so horrible!!!

[elaine567]

Is it bad of me to wish him to become miserable and unhappy with his life choices? I wish no harm to the kid of course.

I just hope my ex feels emotionally (romantically) empty. I hope the lack of me in his life starts hurting him.

 

 

Truth is, he checked out of your relationship a long time ago but instead of telling you that and ending it he chose to cheat on you instead.

So the day he broke up with you was not day zero for him as it was for you, he was already months into a new relationship, a relationship that is ongoing and a relationship that is is now progressing forward.

 

There is no such thing as love everlasting, your relationship ran its course and now he has a new one, that is how the world works..

Yes, that is hard on you, but you have to stop obsessing over him and her, it is just a waste of your time.

Your ego won't let you believe he could just "forget you", but my guess is that he probably has. I am not saying he has forgotten all you shared but just that you are no longer on his "romantic" radar.

He has moved on to pastures new, you have to do the same.

[Nox]

You're right, and thanks for saying that.

 

The thing that made stuff even worse for me were his texts (the last one a week ago even though the breakup happened over a month ago). He'd either send a sad emoji, or tell me how he is sad we're over and so on... I just have no idea what's on his mind.

 

So, even though I didn't contact him and removed myself from his life, for some reason he wouldn't f*** off. Hopefully he will now. Otherwise I'll just have to change my phone number. Thankfully we don't live near each other and our lives are not that linked together so I can avoid most stuff by changing my phone number.

[elaine567]

You're right, and thanks for saying that.

 

The thing that made stuff even worse for me were his texts (the last one a week ago even though the breakup happened over a month ago). He'd either send a sad emoji, or tell me how he is sad we're over and so on... I just have no idea what's on his mind.

 

 

Lots of dumpers want to stay friends with their exes, but as you have found the dumpee just cannot be friends with the ex as it hurts too much.

Dumpers often want to play silly games too, so by telling you he misses you, he wants to hear that you miss him too and that can be a huge ego boost for him, also some men just want to know you are still available to them sexually and so will play on your emotions to get sex.

Horrible, but unfortunately true.

Edited October 2, 2016 by elaine567
spelling

[Nox]

Yeah, thank goodness I told him to GTFO.

I hope if he does it again I will by then be more stable than I am now, so it won't affect me.

[elaine567]

Yeah, thank goodness I told him to GTFO.

I hope if he does it again I will by then be more stable than I am now, so it won't affect me.

 

Many men cheat to feel like he is "da man", maybe your ex is missing having two besotted women at his beck and call.

 

He cheats on the ex with the new gf then he cheats on the new gf with the ex, it is not an uncommon scenario....

 

GTFO was the correct response.

[Nox]

Yeah, I heard of those guys who cheat on their new gf with their ex after doing it vice versa.

In fact my friend's ex husband wanted to do just that, YEARS after the divorce. That's even crazier.

[kckc]

I think it's the worst thing that can ever happen, so to avoid it - move on ASAP. Every time when we do something - we choose to do it (or not). I mean, people choose to dwell on the past. And don't tell me they're not responsible for the way they feel... They do. If you're upset - CHOOSE to be happy. "Ok, I'll be happy, there's a bright future ahaid, I'll definitely meet someone that loves me and I love him, my ex is my PAST." Don't cry it finished, be happy it happened. Give yourself a little joy. Don't cry over someone that hurt you! Don't cry over someone that left you, don't cry over someone that betrayed you. You are better than this.

[Bialy]

Nox,

 

You dodged a bullet. You should rest easy and have some peace in knowing you don't have to deal with those issues.

[Nox]

Bialy, yes, this is exactly what I feel. If I got pregnant with him I know I would love my child and wouldn't regret having it but I think I'd end up being a single mom soon enough and I'd think the child is the only good thing that happened with him.

Even though I am not really young when it comes to having kids (29) I think there's still a chance of someone better coming along while my biological clock is still active.

 

kckc you are basically right, but I am talking about the state of shock while the breakup is VERY recent. We were together for over 3 years and broke up a bit over a month ago. At such an early stage (not just for me, for anyone) I think it's even healthier to feel the pain, cry it out, and so on - one must go through that depressive **** and I think supressing will only make things feel worse for a much longer period of time. (at least it would for me)

What you said seems just about right and as reasonable as it can be. But my shock comes from the fact that he got into a new relationship so quickly (basically while we were still together ). If it happened 6 months down the road I wouldn't be shocked. And yes, in that case, what you said would be spot on.

[Arieswoman]

Nox,

Even though I am not really young when it comes to having kids (29) I think there's still a chance of someone better coming along while my biological clock is still active.

 

if this is your goal then you need to be looking for a guy who is on the same page as you.

 

Good luck x

[Kelley]

I feel your pain I really do I'm going through something similar, he cheated on me, I was daft enough to stay friends (which hurt and I didn't move on in 3 months) to find he is now with the woman he cheated on me with. He told me he doesn't love her and that he still loves me, generous huh? He still wants me to fall back on, but I have gone NC, day 2 now. It hurts soooooo much and all we can do is one day at a time, until we forget how many days we haven't spoken and we are feeling better. Keep strong and take care.

[Nox]

I had a dream of him a couple of nights ago. He was so friendly and talked to me as if our breakup happened ages ago and we're on friendly terms now. A friend of mine was also in my dream, and she told us some funny story which he decided to share with his new gf via a text. So he told her he was with me and my friend and wrote that funny story told by my friend. The next thing I saw in my dream was a text he got from her - "you *******, you really expect me to believe you just saw your ex, you probably made plans with her, I know you're doing something bad behind my back" etc...

 

 

And I feel so sad. I feel more sad now than I did right after the breakup. Hurts like hell.

[Bialy]

Hang in there.

 

Be kind to yourself this weekend. If you haven't already - write down on a piece of paper why he is not the man for you and why it would never work between the two of you.

 

When you're feeling sad, reminding yourself of the person's sh_tty behavior helps place things back in perspective.

 

You deserve someone loyal, truthful, and loving.

[Nox]

Thanks Bialy.

 

In fact no, I haven't made such a list. I'll definitely do it soon. I did it several times in the past but I kinda forgot about it now. Thanks for reminding me!

[Trinity_84]

My first serious boyfriend left me when we were going through a rough patch (brought on by his sudden change in attitude towards me and my increasing neediness as a result). Later I found out he had been "seeing" someone during the last few weeks of our relationship (so he was just gaslighting me the whole time). I think they are still together, or at least they were for years.

 

Our relationship lasted about 6 years off and on, and it took me about 3 to fully recover and move on and stop blaming myself for what happened. I almost killed myself for this guy while he was off having the time of his life with his new girl.

 

So all I can say is, yes, it happened to me, and I hit rock bottom, but eventually I overcame it and moved on fully with my life.

[Bialy]

Some similarities between our stories, Trinity.

 

I've never contemplated suicide. However, after learning it all, I've been through every emotion: nostalgia, anger, disappointment, despair, more anger, sadness, relief, happiness, more disappointment...

 

I'm at a point right now where the emotions I feel are the following: disappointment, relief, and most importantly - peace.

[frigginlost]

I'm a little bit older than you folks as I'm close to 50, but OP let me give you a little life tidbit for you...

 

I was cheated on in the past by a woman that I absolutely adored. She carried on with him for close to 4 months. I had no clue. When she dumped me, she and him were months ahead of me. I was miserable, and she was beyond happy with the new guy (talks of marriage, etc). But, time has a way of reversing things.

 

Ya see, close to a year later cracks started showing in the facade that they had built. The honeymoon period ended, and now the real world is hitting them. I stayed away from dating for close to a year and now have met someone who I am really interested in. We are starting to bond.

 

As my life seems to be moving forward...

 

My cheating ex's and her new beau's seems to be moving backward...

 

And I get to smile about it all. You will too. Just give it a little time.

[Offspring]

a woman that I absolutely adored

 

This is the bit that i just don't get.. How can they not adore us back? Nor, realise the value of being 'adored'?! Game players.